12 Days Of Christmas
December 14, 1995
Dearest John,
I went to the door today and postman delivered a
Partridge in a Pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful
gift! I couldn't have been more surprised, darling!
With deepest love,
Agnes
December 15, 1995
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just
imaine, two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your
very thoughtful gift. They are truly adorable!
With all my love,
Your Agnes.
December 16, 1995
Dearest John,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! But I really
must protest, I don't deserve such generosity. Three
French Hens. My goodness. You are just a darling of
course, but I must insist, you've been too kind!
Love,
Agnes
December 17, 1995
Today the postman delivered four Calling Birds. Now
really, they are plainly beautiful, but don't you think
enough is enough? You're being too romantic dear.
Affectionately,
Agnes
Dearest Darling John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five
Golden Rings! One for every finger! You're just
impossible darling, but oh how I love it! Frankly all
those squawking birds were beginning to get on my
nerves, I am glad you thought of something different.
All my love,
Agnes
December 19, 1995
Dear John,
When I opened my door, there were actually six Geese
A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds
again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep
them? The neighbors are complaining, and I can't sleep
through all the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
December 20, 1995
John,
What the hell is with you and those flapping birds?!
Seven Swans-A-Swimming?! What kind of damn joke is
this?! There's bird excrement everywhere! The little
things never shut up. I can't sleep anymore, and I'm
a nervous wreck. It's not cute anymore!
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 21, 1995
OK Buster,
The birds were bad enough, but what the hell am I
going to do with eight Maids-A-Milking?! If that's not
bad enough, they had to bring their damn cows! There
is dung all over the lawn, and I can't move in my
own house!! Just lay off me smart alec, or you'll be
sorry!
Agnes
Hey Prat!
What are you, some kind of sadistic?!? Now there's nine
Pipers Piping! Jeez, do they play! They've never
stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The
cows are upset and they're stepping all over those
screeching birds. The neighbors are getting a petition
against me.
You'll get yours!
Agnes
December 23, 1995
Words fail me!!!
Now there's ten Ladies Dancing! But they're not
ladies! These broads are having a wild time with the
pipers! Now the cows can't sleep and they've got
diarrhea! My living room is a river of turds and the
building commissioner has subpeonaed me to give cause
for having all these animals. I'm calling the police
on you, you big creep!
One who means it!
December 24, 1995
Listen you bloody swine!
What's with the eleven Lords-A-Leaping on those maids
and ladies??!! Some of those women will never walk
again! Those pipers ran through the maids and have
been tipping the cows. At least the birds are quiet.
The were trampled to death by the Lords-A-Leaping. I hope
you are satisfied you rotten, vicious freak!
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
December 25, 1995
Law Offices of Brigham, Boink and Bilter
400 Cross Road
Hushloona, NE
Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve
Fiddlers Fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict
on our client, one Agnes Buford. The destruction
of course, was total.
If you attempt to reach Ms. Buford at Happy Daze
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to
shoot you on sight.
Please direct all correspondence to this office in the
future. With this letter you will find attached a
warrant for your arrest.
Merry Christmas!!
Cordially,
Brigham, Boink and Bilter
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