A Rednecks' Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin'
'Cept a redneck named Taylor
His first name was Bubba
Joe was his middle
And a runnin' down his chin
Was a trickle of spittle
His socks, they were hung
By the chimney with care
And therefore there was
A foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared
And rousted the boys
There was Rufus, 12
Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin' on 10
And Otis was 7
Joh, George and Chucky
Were 5, 4 and 3
The twins were both girls
So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls
No need for a shirt
They threw a hat on each head
Then turned with a jerk
They ran to the gun rack
That hung on the wall
There were 17 shotguns
They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young'uns
"Now hesh up ya'll
The last thing we wanna' do
Is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting
And needed her sleep
So they crept out the door
without making a peep.

They all looked around
And then they all spit
The young'uns asked Bubba
"Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared
He could not say word
This was just like
All the stories he'd heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof
Ain't that a darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know
They was about to start shootin'
They aimed their shotguns
And nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted
In venison steak
Bubba hollered out
"Don't shoot boys!
That's Santy Claus up there
And he's brought us some toys!"

The dogs were a-barking
And a-raisin cain
And Bubba whistled and shouted
And called them by name
"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet!
Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Roscoe!"

"Git down from the porch!
Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin' the trailer
Or you'll make Santy Claus fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin'
And wouldn't shut up
And they trampled poor Pete
Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag
And threw out some toys
Bubba got most
And only a few for the boys
He jumped in his sleigh
Told his reindeer to hurry
The trailer started to wobble
Santa started to worry
Just as the reindeer
Got into the air
The trailer collapsed
But Bubba didn't care.

He was busy lookin'
At all his new toys
Then a thought hit him
And he said to the boys
"Go check on yer Maw
Make sure she's all right
The roof fallin' on her
Could-a hurt just a might."

But Maw was OK
And the girls were too
They fixed up the trailer
It looked good as new
And as for Bubba
He liked Old St. Nick
But Santa thought Bubba
Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas
And the boys did too
And the Taylor's wish
A Merry Christmas to you!

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