Christmas One-Liners

What Do Elves Learn In School?
The Elf-abet!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

What kind of bird can write?
A PENguin

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
Because it has long distance runners on each side.

Why does Scrooge love Santa's Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle

JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
Mike: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

ELF No. 1:What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
ELF No. 2:Okay everyone, sack time!!

If Athletes get athlete's foot, what do Astronauts get?
Missle-toe!

Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because the angel had said, "No L!"

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
CLAUStrophobic

What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf-esteem.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon Hood

Where do Polar Bears vote?
The North Poll

Why do birds fly South for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging
about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh Ho, Ho, Swoosh!?
Santa caught in a revolving door.

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A subordinate claus.

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it "soots" him.

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
It's true... Comet cleans sinks!

How come you never hear about the 10th reindeer, Olive?
Olive?? Yeah, you know, "Olive" the other reindeer,
used to laugh and call him names."

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.


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