The Gift of Loss

There are only a few occasions in my memory that a single sentence can pack a punch that sends me to my knees. I can still feel a pain in my stomach when the following words resonate through my mind. "You had a little girl" said the on call doctor. I was flat on my back on an examining table in the busy emergency room late one Friday night in February, 1990. I had given birth to the little girl that I had dreamed of giving birth to for years. The only problem was this: she was born dead on arrival. At that dark, shell shocked moment, I could not imagine that anything positive could ever come out of that small examination room, normally reserved for sexual assault cases and the like, not for women delivering babies.

Yet seven years later, as I pondered writing about the most positive aspect to come from the life of my daughter, I realized I have compiled quite a catalog of positives that have come due to my sweet little Marlena's life. I have thought about her impact upon me personally many times. In fact, I have thought about it so much so that I now think of Marlena's Life and Death as one of the most precious gifts I have ever received.

My precious First Born's Birth and Death occurred concurrently due to an in utero cord accident. I was unaware that anything was wrong until I delivered her while en route to the hospital. No doctor, no emergency crew, no medicine, no tranquilizers separated me from the bleak reality of the death of my little girl as I delivered her lifeless body into my own hands as my husband drove our car down the California freeway that life changing Friday night.

The life lessons from this experience are worth more than any amount of tangible, worldly wealth.

What life lessons? you may be wondering. First, I have learned that I can survive unbearable pain. I have learned that even though some friends back away following a loss, they can still be good friends, just ill equipped to deal with my suffering. I have learned that there are a lot of brave people in this world who have endured similar pain to mine. I have learned that when life goes completely contrary to my plan, the unintended plan may in fact be grander than I could have ever imagined. I have learned that even though my husband sometimes doesn't understand my feelings, I will continue to love him, anyway. I have learned to not be afraid of death. I have learned to confront my own self centered nature in order to meet people when they are hurting, even when I don't necessarily feel like it. I have learned to forgive others who have hurt me without realizing they were hurting me, and have even forgiven those who may have been aware of the pain they were inflicting upon me. I have learned that in comparison to my family, little else matters. Most importantly for me, I have learned that God is in control, not me, and that when times are the absolute bleakest, He will literally carry me through.

I have also gained friends, wonderful friends from all around the country. I have gained an expertise so that I am the first one called whenever someone I associate with knows someone who has experienced a loss and desires counsel or a shoulder to cry on or just some understanding. I have gained more empathy than I ever could have imagined in a lifetime.

Marlena has truly taught me a lot of wonderful things. I suppose the single most important positive thing her life has taught me is that loss, while being something I would never choose to go through again, has provided me a turning point in my life. It has molded me into who I am today. Where before my darling daughter came into this world, I would turn on my heals and run as fast as possible from death and loss, I now can embrace loss with all my heart and soul and being. Marlena, my one and only first born child, has given me The Gift of Loss.

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Since June 23,1999