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This thing started as a guide to the old neighborhood for the scores of Bulgarians who crashed in our living room during the two years we lived in Manhattan. It's also a collection of my favorite spots and wandering routes. This is for friends planning to visit or move to the Big City. I expect your comments and additions, kids.

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Flashmaps is a nice book to have ($9 or so) as it has a variety of maps, ways of chopping up the city, and many useful numbers-- transportation, museums, stores, etc. I find the neighborhood and district map a good way to get a feel for the city. I also like the cross-town street finder section which allows you to find cross streets based on building address numbers. Also invaluable is the Lower Manhattan map which shows all the confusing little streets below the grid.

Though I will be shot for my disloyalty, I do not recommend Let's Go. Except perhaps the Prague section of the Europe book which Krzystof did this year, should you happen to be going across the water. However, in general, I dislike their format and find the style pretentious. The little map cards they sell separately are recommended by Krzys as a good alternative to Flashmaps.

Time Out Guide to NY (the book) has a rather nice layout and much information I think is very insider NY in spite of it's Britso roots.

Village Voice: weekly newspaper -- free in Manhattan in newspaper dispensers, pizza joints and at some newsstands. Comprehensive listings of things to do in NY. Comes out (ha ha) each Wednesday. For the desperate apartment hunters, If you simply must have it before it hits the streets: Tuesday Nights it can be found after 10 or 11 PM at the Kiosk at Astor Place. Entertaining, but considerably more banal than its reputation as the vanguard alternative living guide.

The Free Press is another freebie. More perverse and obtuse articles, and at least one story per issue devoted to transsexual adventures. Has equally good listing of happenings around town.

New York Magazine: Weekly mag. You gotta pay for this one, but it has good listings and if you're too "Uptown" for the previous two, this might be your unalternative alternative.

The New Yorker: Same as above, but for the literati. It will take you a few subway jaunts to finish the articles, but at least you'll look smart in the process.

I've never read Time Out-NY the magazine, so I can't say. But with the others so easily available, why bother? Then again, it may be good, as I rather like their city guides.

Get that free subway map from any token booth! Subways are my fav. mode of transportation, especially the awesomely comprehensive and FAST (red) 2,3 express and (also red) 1,9 local lines (beware of renovation caused delays in 1998). The A & C (blue) can also be a blessing. These lines will go anywhere you need to go. They do not go to the East side, but why would you want to go there anyway? Stay on the West side. The B, D, F can also be helpful if you're on 6th Avenue. Beware, as the B train uptown will shunt you out in Queens after 8 PM.

There is no discount for frequent travel on the subway. But if you get a MetroCard, a plastic thing which you can add money to at every token booth, you can transfer for free from subway to bus and vice versa. Technology.

SUBWAY SAFETY:

Everyone has their Pumpkin time. It's 8 PM, or latest 9 for many. Mine is 10:45 PM. I find that even on week nights, many people are still coming home before the clock strikes 11, and the subways on major lines are still pleasantly abuzz. I might even venture to take the subway later on the weekends in big groups. But in all cases, know your lines. Know your stops. Know your neighborhoods. Don't go anywhere or do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

I despise the East side lines (4,5,6) and use them only when necessary. There is one interesting little detail that I enjoy when I'm in the neighborhood. If you are at the Astor Place Station heading uptown, the newsstand has been relocated to the old women's room. Someone had a nice sense of humor at the planning office.

Avoid buses, especially around rush hours. Other times, never wait for a bus. Take a bus only if it's there. They are nice late at night going back uptown. These buses are more reliable than the flaky cross-town variety which are maddeningly inconsistent. See MetroCard description in the Subway Section.

Only take yellow cabs. Before you get into a cab, check to make sure there is a license visible. It should have a long number, the cabby's name, and his photo. It will be located near the meter, or sometimes on the Plexiglass divider behind the drivers head. If there is no license visible, do not get in the cab. Try to make sure that the driver looks vaguely like his picture. Also check for a medallion license, one with a four character code which is also printed on the light on the top of the cab.

The official cab-hailing pose: Stand carefully just off the sidewalk and raise your arm in the air with your index finger pointed.

Cabs can be cheaper than subways if there are a few of you. They will not take more than four passengers. They are convenient for going cross town, and for late nights. Beware. There can be traffic jams at 2 AM. Also, decide whether your cabby is sane. They all like to frighten their passengers as a rule, but if you become really white knuckled, tell him to stop at the next corner because you are feeling unwell. Take down the number on his license, and take down the 4 character medallion code. Report bad cabbies to the TLC complaint number which you will find on a yellow sticker in the cab. For longer rides, you should watch the meter. On a continuous run, it should click once every 4 N/S blocks. If it's clicking significantly more than that, or if the cabby is tapping a (magnetized) pen on the dash board, he's ripping you off. Complain. But make sure you're in a safe neighborhood, should you need to find another cab.

Yellow stickers inside the cab explain the fee structure. There is a $2 initial charge, a .50 surcharge if it is after 8 PM. There is no baggage fee or any other extra charges save tolls and tip (15% is customary).

Cabs and snow do not mix. 1) Cabs are beat up and rarely have snow tires. 2) Cabbies are usually immigrants from warm climates, and have little experience driving in snow. 3) Cabbies are often completely insane when behind the wheel. DO NOT TAKE CABS IF IT IS SNOWING. Buses, subways, and walking are all preferable to cabs in bad weather.

Wear your seatbelts. In 1997 a new cab safety campaign started. As you paid your fare, a tape of a woman with a really annoying Long Island accent shrilled, "Please remember t' take awl youh personal belong-gings." A perfect New York experience which was quickly replaced by the more bizarre appearance of celebrity messages. I nearly freaked out the first time Eartha Kitt purred at me, reminding me to fasten my seatbelt. There's also Placido Domingo, and a few others by now. Keep me posted as to any new ones.

You might consider a car service, Carmel with the easy to remember number 666-6666, or 1-800-9-CARMEL can be reasonable for longer trips, costing the same as a cab with fixed rates (e.g.: from the airports). The drivers can be slightly more experienced, and many own their own cars, so they have more investment in safe driving. Usually. Be aware that during foul weather, cabs and car service are nearly impossible to get, so plan ahead.

Cars in New York City are a bad idea. Parking is obscenely expensive and they add an 18% tax in all garages. If you're lucky, you can park on the street. Beware of where you can and can't park, and of street cleaning times and days. You do face a serious risk of having the car stolen if it's a popular model. Also, if you leave anything in the car, it may be broken into just to see if the stuff is worth stealing. If you must drive in and park on the street, you might be marginally safer if you park in a residential neighborhood where there are many doormen buildings, as doormen often keep an eye tuned to the streets every now and again. However, they also like to nap in the wee hours when their buildings are quiet, and the car hoodlums are doing their worst... Car alarms are routinely ignored. So leave the Jeep Cherokee in Mom's garage.

If you are planning to meet someone somewhere, pick a café or restaurant with a known address, and repeat it back to confirm. It is a decided pain in the ass to meet someone on the street. If you must, make sure to note the exact intersection, and specify which corner you will be waiting on. (i.e.: SW, NE etc.) Avoid meeting people at large places such as "On the steps of the Met" or "In front of Lincoln Center", or worst of all... "in front of City Hall". Many a meeting, and even a wedding, has been delayed or missed due to confusion there...

If you can't remember an address, call 411 from any pay phone and ask specifically for the ADDRESS of the place you're looking for. Often the operator can give you a cross street as well, very useful to know before heading into the subway...

Don't dress like a tourist. Cameras in bags please, bags worn across your chest. Leave nothing to chance. Keep cash and plastic distributed throughout your person just in case. Better yet, carry only what you need and leave the rest at the person-whose-futon-you're-crashing-on's apartment. Leave the Micky-Mouse visors and fanny packs at home. Look like you know where you're going, and all that safety crap you can read about in a real guide book.

NYC can be disconcertingly diverse to the neophyte. If you are on a subway and find yourself the only this or that on the subway, fear not. You are likely to be the only one to think it unusual. You will see strange, disturbing and ugly things. If you feel uncomfortable, or are alone in a subway car, move through the train to the conductor's car. In spite of the hype, NYC is quite safe. Just don't be clueless or stupid about it. Feel free to ignore anyone who talks to you, for any reason. You can be rude and continue to look straight ahead, you can wave your arms and say "no hablo ingles". This is New York.

When you eat at a restaurant, do not loose physical contact with your bag / purse. Two friends have lost their bags to restaurant thieves this year. Don't hang it on the back of your chair or keep it on the floor next to you. Keep it on your lap, put it on the floor with the strap around your foot or something. I'm serious about this. Be vigilant.

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Should you attempt it:

Highly Recommended: Fairway 74th & Broadway. Produce, dry-goods and gourmet type food at very reasonable prices. They sell Bulgarian Feta, decent bread and are open 'til midnight most nights. They are also more inexpensive than most other regular markets in the city. Lindt Chocolate bars: $1.29. (!)

Not recommended: Vermin infested Pioneer 74th & Columbus. Expensive and filthy.

Gourmet Supermarkets can be fun. Balducci's 6th Ave. at 8th St. Or something like that.

Dean & DeLuca's in SoHo is nice.

Zabar's is on B-way at 80th. I prefer Fairway at 74th...

Around the city are the ubiquitous Food Emporia and D'Agostinos. They are expensive and cramped, but in a pinch, suck it up... there is little else on the island.

A Word on Zagat's Guide to Restaurants in New York: Zagat's is considered the definitive study on dining out in NYC. However, I have consulted it extensively and though I usually agree on whether places are essentially good or bad, I find that I strongly disagree with the ratings they give.

*Khyber Pass: 34 St. Mark's Place (a.k.a. 8th St. in the East Village) between 3rd and 2nd Avenues. (212) 473-0989. South side of the street. Nearer to 2nd. Excellent Afghani food, Discovered by Abha. Afghani food is more savory and less spicy than Indian-- closer to Middle Eastern. The basmatI rice is perfect, as is the bread. Great vege dishes. Great meat dishes too, I'm told. Some favorites: The potato dumpling appetizers dipped in the tatator-like cucumber-yogurt sauce (Boulanee Kachaloo) . Share a pot of Shir Chay-- tea with spices, rose petals and cream. I also like the mashed-up rice pudding desert (Phirinee). Avoid the "doogh" at all costs. It is NOTHING like a lassi. If you have a party of 4, call in advance and reserve the tables in the front where you sit on carpets. Hard on the legs though. In any case, you can eat well here for $20 for 3 courses, and usually for less than that. Appetizers: $3-5, Entrees: $7-12, Deserts $3.

*Osteria Fiorentina: 281 Bleecker St. (212) 633-2941. North side of the street, just East of 7th Ave., across from Mona Lisa. Excellent Pasta (I give the Pasta Pomodoro the rare A), great prices, great location, rustic atmosphere. Pastas $6-13. Delicious minestrone. Love the kitschy Piano and Violin dinner music, but make sure to sit well away, lest it drown out your conversation. For the Svetlana and Lisa double date, dine here, have desert at Mona Lisa across the street, then drag your escorts to window shop at Afghan Friend Jewelry a few doors East on Bleecker. For the record, Svetlana prefers amber, whereas I am partial to lapis.

*Café Mona Lisa: 282 Bleecker. South side of the Street, just East of 7th Ave. My favorite café. I love the atmosphere and the soups. The salads are huge and well made but the dressings can be a bit bland, though a good deal. Nice for café fare but avoid the tasteless sandwiches. The service can be rather slow, so this is better for a leisurely hang-out, rather than a power lunch. If you are Bulgarian or a talent scout, ask for Krasimir and send him regards from me.

*The Sushi Bar: 256 E. 49th St. between 2nd and 3rd. (212) 644-8750. Closer to 2nd on the South side of the street. Tacky Japanese interior, but amazingly amazing nouveau sushi. I like the roll with arugala and potato. They create incredible sauces and innovative sushi and vegetarian sushi. They are not cheap; $6 for a specialty roll. Nonetheless, I cannot figure out why this place is always empty.

*Brio: 786 Lex between 61 & 62nd (212) 980-2300. West side of the street. Lisa's favorite restaurant over all. A+ pastas. Elegant, Aristocratic older set. I like the decor. Best Pasta anywhere. Pricey. Pasta's $10-15, and salads $7, but most things on the menu have turned out to be delicious. My sister Karen discovered. JFK Jr. and his puppy spotted here.

*Xunta (pronounced Shoontah): 174 First Ave (bet. 10th &11th streets) 212-614-0620

Tapas bar and Flamenco guitar Mondays @8(!). Opens at 4pm. Boring decor, cramped interior, lousy service, but excellent tapas and Monday Night music. Try to grab the table in the window for maximum comfort. This is primarily a bar but one can create a light meal by ordering a selection of tapas. Tapas (snacks) & Raciones (bigger portions of snacks) range from $3-7. The Tortilla Espanola served cold is nice, as are the grilled vegetables, and a host of others. If you're really hungry, beware, the prices can add up. The Bread with chopped tomatoes and onions is filling and simple. Sangria packs a decided punch. Watch out.

Fez: In the Time Café Restaurant. On Lafyette St. at Great Jones (a.k.a. 3rd. St.) (Please check address.) Discovered by Abha. Food is not great, but not terrible. Deserts are nothing much. But the atmosphere is kind of sexy. More a bar and hangout than a restaurant. Crowded as hell on Thursday nights though the weekend with NYU types. Sometimes there's music.

Dakashi Sushi: Sushi-to-go stores located around the city. They have fair miso which you drink from a styrofoam cup, and fairly good sushi which is made fresh somewhere in Queens and supposedly delivered a few times a day. Cheap and quick.

Café L'Angolo: (Café fare only) 108 W. Houston at the corner of Thompson. Another nice overpriced café with good coffee, hot cocoa and couches to lounge on.

Pongal: Lexington at 28th? Excellent South Indian food, totally vegetarian, discovered by Abha. Menu is not in English, so ask for help. Dosa's are nice-- they are like crispy crépes.

Vatan: 3rd Ave. somewhere in the 20's. Gugarati (The West of India) food. Fixed menu, $20. Totally vegetarian. The restaurant is like a small village, and the waitstaff are in traditional dress. It's a fun excursion, but go there hungry.

Café Sha Sha: 510 Hudson St. Just North of Christopher St. East side of the street. Good soups, good café fare, classical music, and nice but simple atmosphere. Small patio in the back for warm weather. My and Svetlana's second favorite café.

*Magnolia Bakery: 401 Bleecker at W. 11th. St. (One or two blocks East of 8th Ave. on the North side.) Quaint sweet things in a quaint atmosphere. The cupcakes are the closest to Hazel's that I've had. So quaint, it's hip.

* Cucina della Fontana: Bleecker St. near Perry? St. Lounge on the Victorian couches upstairs and have an absinthe. But whatever you do, do not eat the pasta in the dining room downstairs. (Though you must have a look ...)

The Sazerac House: 533 Hudson St. (212) 989-0313. 10 Bulgarians and I dined here one New Year's Eve. Specializes in fish, but their salads are amazing. If I remember correctly, the entrees were in the $8-15 range.

Zen Palate: 16th and Union Sq. East. This nouveau Japanese-esque place is a hit or miss with people. But it is cheap, has interesting atmosphere and is totally vegetarian. Dolly Still hasn't forgiven me, but I like it.

Polish Food on 1st Avenue: The area between 10th St. and 14th St. or so has a few good and cheap Polish family restaurants. There is Christina's and a better one, K & K Polish American Restaurant. Ist Ave. Between 11th and 12th on the East side of the street. These places are incredibly inexpensive, and serve good but bland Eastern European delicacies. I'm a big fan of the white Borscht or Zurek, as well as the chicken soups. Also some offer Blintzes, potato latkees and other such delicacies. For an even more Polish experience, go to Manhattan Avenue in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. (See walks section.)

Il Corallo: SoHo Italian place with very good salads and pastas, Inexpensive and crowded. I've yet to try it, but Daniel swears by it.

City Pie: Pizza Joint: 72nd St. between Columbus and Amsterdam / B-way. Nearer to the latter on the South side of the street. Good pizza in a joint setting. Best pizza I've had in NYC, but that's not saying much. Note the Romanian Pizza guys.

Omega Diner: (Typical Diner food) 72nd between Columbus and Amsterdam/Broadway. South side of Street. Can be pricey as things add up. The Omega Omelet is very nice.

Dinastia China: 72nd between Columbus and Amsterdam/Broadway. (Yucky inside, but good Chinese & Latin. I like the Home style tofu. Also like the fried plantains, either sweet, or "tostone" Pressed flat, fried and salted... Chinese were brought to the Caribbean as indentured servants. The descendants of these immigrants have maintained their Chinese culture and recipes, and have added Spanish Caribbean dishes to their repertoire. The key is that most of these restaurants offer two distinct menus-- one with the traditional egg drop soup and all, and the other with the aroz con pollo. Can make for an interesting meal if you combine dishes from the two.

*Isabella's 359 Columbus at 77th St. (212) 724-2100 (SE corner) Make reservations, and try the chocolate cake deserts. Excellent Pastas (rated A), but avoid the soups. Prepare to spend $20-35 per person. Seinfeld mentions it on the show, and is reputed to be a regular. When Ivan and Svetlana had expense accounts, we were regulars too. Rather noisy, no atmosphere, but delicious waitstaff... I mean... deserts... Warm Chocolate Cake, Profitto Rolls.

Lisa & Svetlana's version of the Endive & Watercress Salad: Ask to replace the E. & W. with regular greens, and to keep the Roquefort dressing on the side.

Papardella. 75th or 76th and Columbus. I forgot which. (SW corner). Good Italian place. I rate it an A-/ B+. Very good pasta. Nice atmosphere. Pastas in the $8-15 range. Ivan and I went there once, came home and turned on Seinfeld which opened with a shot of the gang dining there. It was a very New York experience.

Aegean Restaurant: $7-$20 / person: 70th and Columbus. Good Greek food. Try the Shepherd's salad. It's like Shopska Salat. Bulgarians will feel very much at home here if they tune out the Greek chatter of the waitstaff. I like the blue atmosphere and the deserts.

Museum Café: 77th & Columbus. $7-20. Eat in the solarium to avoid the lackluster decor. Food is standard and without flair. (I sound like Zagat's) I go there for the amazing fries. Ivan likes the pork chops.

*Istanbul: 413 Amsterdam (bet. 79th & 80th St.) (212) 799-6363. AMAZING Turkish food: Boring but not inelegant decor, but delicious things like the feta stuffed pastry called "Cigars." This place is not cheap- $20+ a person. Deserts are also excellent and very sweet.

For the Nouveau Chi-Chi Set:

Pricey Restaurants recommended to me by Jim Barondess of the Bow & Arrow Press which I have never tried, but are bound to be good knowing Jim:

Tompkins 131 Le Gigot Grammercy Tavern

131 Ave. A 18 Cornelia St. 42 E. 20

(Jim is an owner) (Jim did logo and cards) (Jim did all graphic design)

Cheaper eats, try grille upstairs.

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THE STATEN ISLAND FERRY, or the Poor Man's way to see Lady Liberty. The Ferry leaves every half hour or so from "South Ferry" on the 1 train... or is it the 9? In any case, there's a bit to see around the tip of Manhattan, like Wall Street, and the tiny pockets of Federal style architecture which remain here and there. You'll find the ferry station soon enough. The ferry takes something like 1/2 hour to get to Staten Island, and you don't have to pay until you come back. But there's NOTHING to see in that part of Staten Island, so don't bother getting off the boat. Stay on, and save your fifty cents altogether. Sit at least one leg of the journey on the West side of the boat (Right side as you're heading out to Staten Island) to see the Statue. On the way back enjoy the views of Manhattan and pretend you're Melanie Griffith in Working Girl. Enjoy the vintage-ish feel of the ferry and get a $2 shoe shine from the shine guy: "Shine? Shine? Shine-Shine?" Hope the boat doesn't sink, because there are not enough life vests for rush hour capacity.

THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE. On a particularly fine day, take the subway (Green- 4) to Court St. in Brooklyn Heights. Walk around, especially down Montague St. (there are many reasonable restaurants along the way) to the Promenade-- where there is a beautiful view of Manhattan. Don't knock Brooklyn-- this is one of the most pleasant walks in the city. Find your way to the Brooklyn Bridge, just keep asking likely people, it's a bit tricky to find the pedestrian entrance. If you get lost correctly, you might happen upon some interesting Greek revival houses. It's a bizarre neighborhood. Walk across bridge and savor the amazing gate to Manhattan. Be nice and stay on the pedestrian side of the walkway to avoid rancorous bikers. Best to do on a sunny day early in the morning when the sun is lighting up Manhattan or around sunset. This may seem touristy, but it is one of the little treasures New Yorkers relish.

In Spring the area around City Hall Plaza can be pretty. This is where you will end up after crossing the Brooklyn Bridge from that fair city.

* A good cheap-o clothing / shoe store for the little lady is Broadway Generation on the corner of B-way and Park Place.

From there are many walking options around lower Manhattan, and heading uptown: Read and choose, or hop on a subway. Lazy bastard.

Tribeca can be No Man's Land and a walk via B-Way or 6th Ave to the Village is 25-40 minutes of boredom. I have another suggestion. On the West side, try a nice, but not THRILLING walk up Greenwich Street. which will take you through a pleasant part of residential Tribeca dotted with pockets of industrial zones. It continues up , and on into the Meat Packing industry which lines the North-West part of the West Village.

Look for a big industrial building around 12th Street? which has a hole cut though it. This was the entrance for elevated trains arriving with the carcasses for the processing plants. (Daniel's enlightenment)

Have a walk from the Financial District / City Hall area to Fulton St. Start near the intersection of Broadway and Fulton. Right along Fulton Street you will find a newly renovated area of Federal buildings along a pedestrian mall. This area houses all the shopping conveniences you would expect from your local mall-- but with better architecture. Continue along Fulton Street walking East all the way to the South Street Sea Port, another touristy-mall-under-the-guise-of-historical-restoration. It's good an smelly if you walk in the evening, as you pass the famed fish market area with lots of sinister nooks and crannies amidst the cobblestone streets.

A more touristy trek : Mulberry St. Northward through the tourist trap of the remnants of Little Italy. Do not attempt this on a weekend; too crowded to breathe on the street. Be choosy should you get hunger pangs. I have found overly charming Italian waiters, but have yet to find a great plate o' pasta there.

You might also try heading north on Broadway or West Broadway to get a glimpse of SoHo, but these too have been yuppified. Any of the other Northbound streets in the vicinity will give you a nice taste of SoHo. I like to see the cast iron buildings, and think about the movie After Hours.

(Note: This walk describes areas which may not be thrilling to the tourist, but are interesting for those who like to get a sense of neighborhoods by wandering.)

Right near the Manhattan Bridge Overpass, (Canal and Forsyth, Forsyth and East Broadway) there is very grimy produce market area, much less touristed than the areas around Canal and Broadway. Hardly a non-Chinese face to be seen around here. I also love how the market stalls have sprung up in the nooks and crannies under the bridge.

From there wander around the Lower East Side which is decidedly more random ethnic than Jewish these days. In search of the ultimate Jew Town, I stumbled onto Essex St. near the corner of Hester. There I found some semblance of what I imagine to be the old Lower East Side, complete with Judaica stores and a real pickle guy selling barrels of all things pickled (except ham hocks). However there is reputed to be much more to the area, but I haven't been down there enough to get a feel for the lay of the land. Somewhere in there is the Tenement Museum which gives history of the area, its inhabitants and their living conditions at the height of the turn of the century immigration influx. Haven't been there yet, but I plan to go. Walk Northward on Orchard or Essex. From there, cross Delancy, (I never saw the movie) and wander the streets up to Houston. Much of the area's Jewish life shuts down for the Sabbath, so plan accordingly.

* If you're looking for fabric, Beckenstein's has great selection and prices. Also Harry Zarin. Don't have the addresses.

* Around 8th to like 14th, there are a few good and CHEAP Polish restaurants / diners. Christina's Comes to mind, or better yet K & K Polish and American Restaurant between 11th St. and 12th St. This one has a little garden porch out back and is rather fun. Beware-- Polish food is notoriously BLAND. But hearty.

* If you're there and it's a Monday evening, go to XUNTA. (See "Eating out")

* Look for the emerging Ukrainian neighborhood in the area too especially 2nd Ave. around 8th.

(These areas will appeal to a wider audience, as there is much more to see.)

St. Mark's Place, a.k.a. 8th St. between Avenue A and Astor Place, is the High St. of the E.Vil. It's worth a look, especially between 2nd and 3rd Avenues.

* Also one of my fav. restaurants, Khyber Pass is there. (see Eating out)

* Look for a store on St. Marks called Religious Sex, which really appeals to my blasphemous aesthetic. It sells fetish wear and goth clothing. I'm in love with the green and black Medieval dress.

One of my most favorite walks in the city is crossing from the East Village to the West Village. My preferred route is 10th St. from 1st Avenue Westward. At 2nd Avenue, I admire the church and Stuyvesent St. Walking Westward, I continue on until I hit Greenwich Ave. I love the triangle just West of St. Vincent's Hospital (at 7th Avenue).

* There is a rather faded but charming tea shoppe there called "Tea and

Sympathy" (108-110 Greenwich Ave. bet 12th / 13th.) which I always meant to stop at, but never did. The whole area there is funky and fun.

I then take West 12th Street which heads West just there until I come to Abington Square. From there see the section (below) on West Village and see the eating out section.

*WEST VILLAGE: ABINGTON SQUARE*

My favorite part of town, how predictable. My favorite blocks are those around Abington Square, where 8th Avenue, Bleecker and Hudson Streets converge. There are plenty of little fun shops along Hudson Street to see, as well as plenty of restaurants there which look interesting, but again, I have never tried.

* One cute little one is called Mappamondo at 581 Hudson St. just across from the origin of 8th Avenue. (212) 675-7474. I vow to go there one day soon. Hudson Corner Café is a nice bright grille type place favored by Nalini and Darren.

* Café Sha Sha (510 Hudson St.), just North of Christopher St. Nice little café with homemade soups and an over amorous cat.

If I could live anywhere, it would be on those initial blocks of Bleecker (at Abington Square.) There are so many lush and wonderful places along that street. Millions of restaurants I want to try. Here are some stops along the way:

* Have a Cupcake at the Magnolia Bakery, Bleecker and W. 11th. St. (One or two blocks East of 8th Ave. on the North side.) It's quaint, and Daniel remarked how it looks like your Mid-Western gramma's kitchen. Make sure to wave to my favorite Sapphic bakeress from me. I adore this place.

* Have a drink at the restaurant at Bleecker and Charles: Cucina della Fontana. Sit at the funky bar upstairs. Though the downstairs is a must to see, I had the pasta there, and it was decidedly disgusting. How disappointing. Perhaps a Sunday brunch there might be better?

* On Charles St. just South of Hudson??, there is a wonderful sight. A tiny freestanding cape style house with a yard and jungle gym, perhaps the only one from the time when Greenwich was really a village.

Bleecker in the West Village is wonderfully swank and lush. Taking it across town is a nice walk. Bleecker in the Central Village is where things start to get more NYU-ish and touristy. I am not a huge fan of the area East of 6th Avenue, but it can be expensively entertaining, and is worth a wander. The heart of the Central Village is the intersection of Bleecker and MacDougal. Have a drink at one of the 4 corner café's with the other Bridge and Tunnelers.

* If you walk a few blocks North, you will find Washington Square Park. This is surrounded by some interesting buildings and details, from the Italianate Catholic church to the Renaissance and Gothic detailed buildings to the famed Triumphal Arch.

* 6th Avenue always is abuzz, as is West 4th St. Somewhere in there is the cheap falafel stand called Falafel King, good, but eat at your own risk.

For those who appreciate the industrial aesthetic, I recommend a stroll though the Meat Packing District: Horatio Street Northward to about 14th Street, and from 8th Avenue to the Hudson River. This is a lovely area to purchase choice cuts of meat (note the smell on the streets), and also attend such evening-time establishments as "The Vault," "Manhole," "Mother / Clit Club," and a few others. It is also the place to pick up the occasional transsexual prostitute. This is an up and coming loft neighborhood. As you pass the sidewalk conveyor belt and hooks of the processing plants, look up. You will see that air conditioners dot the upper story windows. Signs of human inhabitation.

* Gansevoort St. and the R&L 69 Café

* West 14th St. (The main drag for clubs... and vice versa)

* The strip which borders the West Side Highway-- for some great desolate urbanism. Nice to walk up to Chelsea this way.

* Mother on 14th St. is a great club. Has this Adams House like mystique. On

Friday nights it's Grrl's nite and transforms itself into "Clit Club."

Chelsea has become the gayest area of New York City. It is younger, more "alternative" than the West Village scene. West 16th St. or "the street where they shot all the women" as Daniel remarked, has many nice looking young men walking to and fro hidden clubs and bars among the warehouses. 8th Avenue from say 22nd to 16th is Chelsea's main drag. There are many cafes and bars, so it's alive day and night. Although Chelsea is being gentrified and gay-a-fied, it is still visually less thrilling than the Village.

* One of my favorite little details is Reggie Fitzgerald Triangle where West 14th, 8th Avenue and Horatio St. converge. Garber's Hardware store looks right out of the 1940's with it's orange and black sign.

* Two interesting buildings: The Port Authority Building at 15th and 9th (which Daniel despises because it blocks his view of downtown) and the New York Service Center with all the porthole windows right next door.

A great afternoon outing is to Little India in Jackson Heights, Queens. Take the 7,F,R or something else to Roosevelt Avenue in Jackson Heights. (20+ minutes from midtown) Walk along 74th Street I think it is, and savor the bright colors of the sari shops. There are a million $5.95 -$7.95 luncheon buffets, of varying quality. S hop around. Nalini and I wore our saris here once, and everyone thought I was a Hare Krishna. Patel Brothers is a good place to buy produce, bulk foods and Indian snacks.

Little Poland, Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Take the G train (good luck getting to it) to Manhattan Avenue in Brooklyn. You can also take the L and walk a bit. (It will take you 30-45 minutes or so to get there from Midtown). The area you want is Manhattan Avenue and Greenpoint Avenue. Along this little stretch, you can barely hear anything other than Polish. Although the commercial area is just one main strip, there are many Polish specialty stores and restaurants. It is a good place to get cheap clothing (sweatshirts and the like) and housewares.

* Two of use ate a two course dinner of good home cooked Polish food for $12 at Christina's (yes, another one) on Manhattan Ave.

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I'm kind of bad at this. Best talk to some more cultured New York-o-philes. Museums are always good. Met is a fav, as is the Gug (provided they have some worthwhile exhibition, not Elsworth Kelly and his 155 canvasses of primary colors set at odd angles, Though Dolly and I came up with some brilliant interpretations of these.) Mus. of Nat. Hist. is always good, especially the politically incorrect homage to hunting wild beasts of far away lands. I like the feel of the entrance hall. Like the dinosaurs, the gemstones and the meteorite.

THE CLOISTERS is a wonderful place. It is a monastery reconstructed from bits of decaying ecclesiastic Europeans buildings. The museum is at the Northern tip of Manhattan (well North of the Crack Zone) where you can see a portion of the Met's beautiful Medieval collection. There are nice gardens in the warm months which are planted with the botanical species identified from the Unicorn Tapestries (which reside within the Cloisters). The M4 bus ends right at the Cloisters, but it may take forever. The A train (30 minutes from midtown) is another way, though it involves a 10 minute walk through the park when you arrive. If you have a car, a trip at a quiet hour up the West Side Highway may be in order-- but avoid the RUSH HOURS!

Never been to the Intrepid, but always wanted to go. It's a WWII aircraft carrier with a permanent exhibition of various military planes on deck.

South Street Seaport. MacMall.

Rainbow Room... Ahhhh... Rumbaing 'til dawn. Now if I had the right dress...

This is New York, stand in line all morning in Times Square ticket office ( I forgot the name), and go to a show for 1/2 price.

The New York City Aquarium. It's right near Coney Island. The aquarium is decidedly mediocre, but does have two interesting attractions: The beluga whales and the Shark tank. There are also these bizarre dioramas of marine related scenes with moving dummies.

Coney Island. I never made it on any of the rides, but Nalini and I walked the boardwalk and ate bad food. It was kind of a scene. But be home before dark.

Brighton Beach. I never made it there, but the plan was to put on a rhinestone mini dress, stilettos and lots of blue eye shadow and go to dinner and a show at Rasputin. This is supposed to be the premier hang-out for Russian Mafiosi and their escorts, as well as the Russian community on the big night out. I've also hear that Baku is supposed to have excellent food.

Roosevelt Island Cable Car. $1.50 each way. I haven't yet been, but I hear it's a pleasant afternoon of walking around the green parks.

Gold Room at the Federal Reserve: Think of Die Hard 3. See $150 Billion. You have to make a reservation a week in advance. (From Daniel's History of Finance tour of New York.)

The Empire State Building: I love this building, but I prefer wandering the lobby and looking at the art-deco details than braving the hour-long lines to get to the observation deck. I especially like the relief map over the concierge desk at the main entrance which shows New York City as the center of the Northern Hemisphere.

For the overwhelmed, how about a quiet evening on the futon with a sheaf of take out menus and Channel 35. Keep your phone and credit card handy.

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Here are a few places I found for spending money: Note my taste runs decidedly in the bargain vein.

* For power bargain shopping, consider consulting Mr. Cheap's Guide to NY.

Drugstores:

Duane Reade. Sprinkled around the city, these usually have the best selections and prices. Love's is a distant second. Beware, the corner druggist may cost you an arm and a leg.

For Women's Clothes:

Broadway between Canal and Houston offers many cheap stores with lots of disposable sweatshop made clothing.

For summer dresses you must visit The Dress Guy. He sells sun dresses on the West side sidewalk on Columbus between 73rd and 74th in the summer months. Look for the swarm of women flocking around a rack of bright dresses (batiks and florals) and a blonde California type. If you speak German he will be thrilled. Trust his opinions on whether the style and color suits you; he has a good eye. But the mirror there is a bit too generous. He spends the winters in Indonesia designing fabrics and operating a small dress-making factory. He spends the summers in NY selling the dresses on the street and having intense conversations with a bevy of female admirers. Nice life.

Columbus Circle: (59th St. and 8th Ave.) , 10-5 daily except in the dead of winter for jewelry, watches, sunglasses, hats and gloves, ethnic this or thats. Good for gift shopping.

Upper West Side: School yard at 77th and Columbus every Sunday afternoon except dead of winter, I think. Has all sorts of things from barrettes to sheets to vintage clothing to ethnic goods to antiques and plants.

42nd St. Bazaar: 42nd St. and 5th, I think. This is an enclosed marketplace with jewelry stands, ethnic clothing, leather bags, other random fun stuff and the ever present $10 watch guy. I swear by the watch I purchased there.

For cheapo watches, barrettes, scarves, perfume, jewelry and Indian stuff the import stores on Broadway between 34th and 28th are amusing. Some sell only to "wholesalers", but not all. This is where 90% of the street merchants get their wares.

Canal St. also has many such shops. There you can also find inexpensive Chinese imports.

* Funky stuff: Ziggy's 267 Bleecker between 7th and 6th. North side of the street.

* Ethnic stuff: Afghan Friend. 266 Bleecker between 7th and 6th.

Used Books:

I love the Strand. It feels like a very crowded library. B-way at 22nd?

Wander the Village. and B-way on the upper West side. There are some nice bookstores hidden in nooks and crannies. I was not a devotee of any in particular except the now defunct Shakespeare and Co.-- another casualty of the Barnes and Nobles invasion.

Housing Works Bookstore Café: benefits homeless AIDS patients. Everyone cool has volunteered there at some time or other. I think it's Mercer St. just South of Houston.

Etheria: 8th St. between Avenue A and 1st. Daniel's fav. music store. They let you listen to anything they sell.

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* "Only in New York..."

* "It's a smawl wirld."

* "She was so upset-- She was so upset, she dint even go to A-robics."

I once told a friend I was on my way out to make a "Packie run." In Bostonian, this means "going out to the local package goods (liquor) store to get beer." In New York this would be interpreted as rushing out to the Pakistani owned corner store. Beware of such gaffs.

* Measure the longest acrylic nails you see worn by women around the city.

* Look for funny signs around the city, remnants of Ed Koch's reign.

* "Don't Block the Box"

* "Don't even think about parking here."

* "No Parking:

Not 5 minutes

Not 1 minute

Not 10 seconds

Not at all."

(Sign at 730 8th Ave. at W.46th St.)

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1.) Who are these people?
a) Hizzoner

b) Dr. Z

c) Al Goldstien

d) Liza Devlin Stalone

2.) Rockefeller Center subway stop encompasses three streets in its name. Name them.

3.) Wearing the Peyes (sp?) can be an annoyance. What do Hasidic men do to minimize the

inconvenience?

4.) Where is Turtle Bay?

5.) Name four Stuyvesents in New York City.

6.) What is the current worst area of New York City?

7.) What is Savage Love?

8.) What is "Crunch"?

9.) What is the significance of Z-96?

10.) Whose line is; "Lie back, get comfortable."?

11.) What is a gum target?

12.) What does CPR stand for?

13.) When is alternate side not in effect?

14.) Define the term "Don't block the box"

15.) What is the correct NYC pronunciation of "ask"?

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To get you in the mood for your trip, these Movies really capture the essence of New York. (Ratings are on a 5 star scale)

*Desperately Seeking Susan: Destined to be a classic. Madonna can't act, but she plays herself brilliantly. ****

*Chain of Desire: This is not a terrific film, but it has an interesting vignette idea which really describes the energy of the city. ***

*After Hours: This movie makes me exhausted and nervous... Just as a night in SoHo ought. ***

*Married to the Mob: This is a fabulous film. It captures more the accents and hair of NY than the cityscapes, but is well worth it. Michelle Pfeiffer is fab. ****

*The Hudsucker Proxy: This is a great family movie, but don't let that scare you. Very off-beat with amusing twists and visual references. A beautifully imagined version of 30's NY. ****

*Liquid Sky: Great early 80's cult classic. "Delicious, delicious... Oh, how boring."***+

Six degrees of Separation : A fantastic story. Fantastic characters, and acting. Chaos, Control, Chaos, Control...*****

The Best of Everything: A terrifically campy portrait of three gals trying to make it in 50's NY. Great Technicolor.***+

When Harry Met Sally***+ A good Billy Crystal vehicle. Meg Ryan plays herself-- again.

She's gotta Have It: Witty and unpretentious for Spike Lee, if anyone can believe it. ***+

The Women: ahh L'amour, L'amour..Note that there are only women in the film. Even the dogs are female. ****

Wall St. as if he could afford THAT apartment as a first year trader, 80's or not.**

Let's Make Love: Marilyn Monroe, Yves Montand: Nice NY-in-the 50's movie.***

Working Girl: In a surprising plot line, the underdog triumphs.**+

Greencard: Cute, again.**+

Usual Suspects: Too violent. Hard to follow. I guess that's the point, though. ***

Fisher King: Guy buddy crisis thing, Woman stands around waiting. What a snooze. **

Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle- Viscous indeed, but just not engaging.

The Cowboy Way: Cowboys hit NYC.

Midnight Cowboy: Down and out and half dead in a NY squat.

Moonstruck: Cutsie Brooklyn movie. **

Angie: Another Cutsie Brooklyn movie. **

Johnny Dangerously:

No, I have not seen Taxi Driver, or anything with Al Pacino-- or is it Robert De Niro? Nor have I seen Metropolitan (Barcelona was rotten enough), any gangster movie, Crossing Delancy, etc.

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Here are a few books which capture the spirit of the Cement City:

Here is New York by E. B. White. This is a wonderful essay on life in the City. It may be hard to find, but find it in a library or something. It's a wonderful finger on the pulse kind of piece.

Gay New York by George Chauncey. A historical study of gay men's culture in New York from 1890-1940. Deals with fairy balls, sailors in Times Square, and the YMCA culture.

Sport by Louise Fitzhugh. Another kids book about a kid kidnapped by his mother in a divorce settlement and held hostage in the Plaza Hotel. Sounds grim, but is hilarious. All of her books are great NY books: Harriet the Spy and to a lesser extent, The Long Secret.

Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing by Judy Blume. Hilarious. This is the only Judy Blume book which mercilessly escapes her coming of age sentimentality. My mother credits this book with teaching me how to read, because after it was read to me, I began to teach myself to read in order to read it myself.

The Pushcart War by Jean Merrill. Read this in 5th grade. It's a kids book dealing with how the Push cart vendors stopped the trucks which threatened to put them out of business. Great anti-big business allegory.

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d. Deadpan NY1 newscaster

2. 47th-50th

4. East side of midtown along the East river in the 50's.

the East Village on Second Avenue among others.

6. East New York, Brooklyn

8. A chain of "alternative" gyms

12. "NYC needs Courtesy, Professionalism and Respect." Motto of the newer and friendlier NYC police

15. AXE.

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Contributors and Partners in Crime throughout my tenure in New York:

Jim of the Bow & Arrow Press: graphic designer and restaurateur.

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Disclaimer:

I will not be held responsible should you hate my walks, get food poisoning from some restaurant I have mentioned, get mugged or whatevered, have a miserable time, or any other scenario as a result of using this guide. Use at your own risk. But I hope it will be helpful. Please give me your additions and impressions.

A Note to the Let's Go Mafia: If you appropriate any of the listings I have mentioned and put them into your books, forever ruining these places, so dear to me, with the stampede of herds of backpack-wearing, yellow-book-toting Eurotrash, I will be very depressed and may be forced to undertake extreme measures of retribution.

c. Lisa, 1997