Cirah Payton De Heus
Late march of 1999 I was 6 1/2 months pregnant
and quite happy I was coming along so well....
This was our second attempt at trying for a baby,
the first ended in Miscarriage at 11 weeks and now
that I had made it this far and saw my little
girl healthy and happy in the Ultrasound I thought I was homefree.
One Monday after a relaxing weekend I felt as if I was coming down with
the flu....It was
cold season and I had been out that weekend at
the mall shopping for baby stuff.....by 2:00 Monday afternoon I really
wasn't feeling well at all and decided I should see a doctor....two hours
from my arrival
at the doctors office I was on a lifeflight to
a better hospital due to kidney failure. Because at that time
my kidneys were not working and my lungs started
to fill with the fluid my body was retaining they
decided to take my daughter....Cirah Payton De
Heus. They couldn't get the epidural in and my
pleading for them to wait and wait that maybe
they could stop it proved to be an unwise choice because they waited too
long.....they thought they finally got it in but they didn't and I was
too weak to protest
much physically when they strapped me down and
started the C-section but in my mind I was screaming....not that it mattered
because I knew that it was too soon for her to come and even if she survived
she would be laden with complications for the rest of her life. After
it was over I asked not to
be given any pain medication because I wanted
to be alert when I held her.......so for an hour I watched
her open and close her mouth and whimper......I
watched her suffocate because her little lungs were just too small and
there was nothing they could do for her.....I held her until she stopped
moving....until she
was completely still and then I gave her to God.
I had never been so angry and so hurt....at myself....
at the doctors.....at Cirah and even at God.
She was so perfect.......if only I was strong enough....if my body was
strong enough....she would be in my arms today.
I will always remember her......born on April
Fools Day.....Not Funny At All. They said I shouldn't have children....that
I would be endangering my life....but I have never been one to be told
what to do. Since then I have had an ectopic pregnancy and at long
last a full term pregnancy.....It was the longest 9 months of my entire
life......I was monitored so closely it felt as if I lived at the doctors
office and the worry and stress and anticipated dissapointment was agony.....my
baby shower not quite enjoyed as is should have been because of the underlying
thought...."will all this be for nothing...what will I do with all of this
stuff if something goes wrong".....due to complications with Cirah I will
always have a C-section when having children and when I went in the room
I was shaking so bad......The lights and the table and the masks all brought
back that tragic night when my daughter was born and I instantly started
to cry and shake uncontrollably.....it is procedure to strap your arms
down and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle that
so seeing how distressed I was they agreed to
let my husband hold both my hands with the promise that
I wouldn't go berzerk.....and when I heard my
son scream after they suctioned out his mouth I cried so hard the doctors
thought something was wrong with me......I had never been so relieved in
my entire life.....he is 9 months old now and every day I thank God and
everyday I think about what it might be
like if he didn't come into my life....I will
never take him for granted. He is my everything and his
father and I are working on getting him a sister........hopefully all goes
well.