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Day before surgery. Some of the grandkids and the girls' boyfriends
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FINAL UPDATE: Thursday, July 15, 1999
(Finally written July 24th)
It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I write my final entry to you in regards to mom. Her fight and her pain has ended, and now she is at peace with her body and in heaven with my dad....
Four months plus from making it through a life threatening surgery from bladder cancer, fighting a staff infection from the hospital for another three weeks, enduring 9 weeks in a rehab center ( in which she seemed to be doing so well) and three and a half weeks later, her pain, long fight and battle has ended.
Mom did all she could to get herself released as "improved" and out of the Rehab. We now know and feel she knew her time was coming to an end and did all she could to ensure her release to her home and her bed. She did not want to die in any hospital or rehab, but was determined to be no where else but home when her time came, and this she did succeed in doing. We all believed and hoped she was going to do better and get stronger but we were wrong.
Unfortunately within the first 24 hours after returning home, mom fell and from that time on, she was never out of pain. The doctors diagnosed nothing broken, but something must happened that day. Maybe an internal rupture of the cancer. Maybe her real thought of independance was drained. We really will never know for sure. We did set up 24 home care for her since she began to not be able to do much for herself. Family constantly visited and stayed with her but she seemed to be going slowly, first refusing solid food to finally not having the energy to suck liquids through a straw. Her final days were with us feeding her spoonfuls of liquids and keeping her as comfortable as we could.
We did find one aide that was a blessing to us and mom and her name was Joan. We can never thank her enough for all the comfort and love she gave to mom, making sure her final days were comfortable, making us feel confident she was always in "good hands". . sacrificing her time to be at home with her own family of 4 children. She, too, fell in love with mom and mom's spirit and she took such wonderful care of her. For this we give much thanks.
The Friday before Mom passed away, she couldn't do anything at all and was having trouble even looking at the any of us or even the granchildren. Her vitals were always wonderful, but something else was going on. Maybe we can say she did die of old age or she finally got tired of fighting and hurting. Whatever it was, mom knew her time was coming near.
By Monday, we stopped all her meds since she could not even swallow them. We got the Duraderm patch (for severe pain cancer patients) and prayed it would take away some of the hurt she was feeling. It did not keep her from still suffering but we do feel in our hearts, it did help to some degree. This same day, Mom agreed to sign a DNR. It was her assurance she would not be taken to the hospital. Mom was home, in her bed, and this was where she chose to remain. Not back to a hospital, only home and with her family to the end...
Wednesday morning, July 14th, Mom asked her aide to please get the family over.
"Why, Pomi?" asked the aide, Joan, with her Jamaican accent.
"I want to say Goodbye" she told her.
"Goodbye to whom?" she asked.
And mom said "Everybody".
My brothers and their wives, my neice and nephews and my daughter all went over as soon as we heard. My hubby and my boys were away to Camp in Pennsylvania. He made the 3 hour drive in less than two fearing they would not make it in time to see her still with us. They made it home. We all had time to talk to mom as she went in and out of dream talk of calling my dad's name and saying odd dates. She answered and knew each one of us, but was still having much trouble "staying with us". But she did. She said what she wanted to say. We all told her what we all needed to say at our own private times. Mom knew. And we now know how hard this must have been for her to even know herself. Time was drawing so very near the end.
By Thursday morning, mom was pretty well in a coma like state. She was having so much trouble with beathing and she seemed distant and far away. The afternoon was so very long, watching her suffer so. Certain things did bring the gentlest of a finger pressure so we knew she heard us, although by now, she could not speak nor we doubt see us through her eyes. Her music played in the background for two days. Oh, how she loved Engelbert Humperdink. Every year her and I went to see him. He was scheduled to perform in November and I prayed she would get to see him one more time. Her song with my dad was "After the Loving", one of his first hits, which we played for her quite often during her struggle.
At one time, while their song was playing, I told mom to listen hard. It was time and to please let go, go to dad and dance away with him. With all the stregnth she must have had left, she actually picked up her arm and placed it on my shoulder to hug me. Her last gesture to me was a finger pressure on my hand when I told her again she must let go, it was ok, and I loved her so very much.
We were all at Mom's and at her bedside when she took her last breath. Our love for her was there and she knew it. She passed away finally in her bed. Her pain was over. Ours began and is still here. God how I miss her.
We laid mom out on Saturday, July 17th for the first day. She was dressed in a seafoam colored sequened evening gown and with yellow roses adorning the casket. Down to maybe 70+ lbs. but looking beautiful anyway. And at peace. She was buried with dad on July 19th.
An interesting coincidence: My dad passed away 13 years ago and mom's most ailing sadness was that they would never celebrate their 50 anniversary together and have a big celebration. Well, Saturday, July 17th WAS Mom and Dad's 50th Wedding anniversary... Mom got her wish... She was finally with Dad, dancing in the clouds and we were all there with them. We look back and see that over 100 people came to see mom on Saturday alone. She had her 'celebration' and she and dad were together, dancing to "After the Loving". With this we all have some great comfort.
All our love, sadness and God Speed to "Mom", "Grandma" and loving "wife" of David. Again, together, and in Heaven. We are very much lost with out her here... but in our hearts, we are happy she is no longer in pain and know she is with dad... I Love You, Mom... Thank you for EVERYTHING....
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At the service during the funeral, I edited a poem that was sent to me from a dear online friend. Below is the poem read for mom. We believe this is the message she would have told us if she could have...
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry,
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things,
we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an Angel came and called my name,
and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
in heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind,
all those I dearly love.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
and all I've promised you".
Today for life on earth is past,
but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last,
and since each day's the same day,
there's no longing for the past.
So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.
David M. Romano, Author
...to Mom,... 
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