Godzilla
Director: Roger Christian
Screenplay: Corey Mandell Based on the Novel by L. Ron Hubbard
Starring: John Travolta, Barry Pepper, Forest Whitaker, Richard Tyson, Kelly Preston and Michael Byrne
John's Review
I've been told that the book is everywhere from mediocre to pretty good. L(afayette). Ron Hubbard wrote Battlefield: Earth because in his words he "wanted a Star Wars." L. Ron Hubbard the founder of the controversial scam that is Scientology, wrote Battlefield: Earth in 1982. The basis of the book being that it is 1000 years in the future and mankind has been enslaved by a race of 9 foot tall aliens, called Psychlos. (Psychos with an L, how original Lafayette)
The movie begins with a bunch of washed out shots at crooked angles, which, by the end of the movie, makes one's neck hurt. We then come to Johnny Goodboy (Pepper), our hero. (What a creative name, Lafayette) He sets off in search of greener lands and a horizontal lens. But when his girlfriend asks him why she can't come, is it because she's not as good as a man, his reply is simply, "no, you are better than any man. That's why you have to stay." WHAT? If this is the best L. Ron Hubbard has to write, then there is no need in reading the rest of the book. Next Johnny meets up with two other "man-animals" outside of a really bad matte painting, er uh, Denver, Colorado. They then get caught by a couple of people trying not to fall over in their platform boots. These Psychlos take them back to their big domed in area around Denver.
Apparently Psychlos can't breathe our air, and they can't get near radiation as, for some reason, radiation makes their air spontaneously combust. WHAT? But, if the Psychlos wear these nose bridges with strings attach they can breathe our air and if we wear it, we can breathe their air. Wow, what a concept. So Johnny tries to escape about 3 or four times, gets caught, gets the crap kicked out of him, (At one point he successfully escapes down some sewer drains where these 9 foot Psychlos, who couldn't possibly fit, follow him) but continues to try, until he gets the attention of Terl (Travolta), the head of security for the entire planet, although he never leaves Denver. A bunch of "political" leverage takes place, apparently the ONLY thing Psychlos are interested in is "leverage" against each other. It's pretty lame.
Needless to say, Johnny Goodboy gets trained on how to fly a Psychlo ship by Terl and then takes some man-animals out to a mine high in gold deposits. Because the area is high in radiation Terl can't go near. So he leaves a video drone which apparently flies by about once a day, takes a picture and then goes and takes a nap for the rest of the time. So during this time, Johnny takes a bunch of man-animals to Texas, to a weapons base, (Amazing that they knew where it was, considering none of them had ever seen a map) where they all learn to fly Hawker Harriers in the span of about an hour. Another amazing fact, after 1000 years, Hawker Harriers are not only still fueled and armed, but they still work! Terl mentions that even though all of the Earth's armed forces attacked them, the battle only lasted 9 minutes. I can only assume the Psychlos bored the humans to submission with their pathetic version of how politics should work, since every weapon at this base looked completely unused.
So then we have some special effects where the man-animals battle the Psychlos with their Hawker Harriers that still work after a thousand years against some really bad matte paintings. Then one of the good guys transports to the alien home planet of Psychlo where he detonates a nuclear device (Did I mention Johnny knew how to dismantle a nuclear missile?) which takes out the whole planet. I guess if one was to take a microwave to their planet and heat a burrito it would have the same effect. Of course during the battle we have things happen like, one of our heroes is outgunned against an alien ship when he looks down and picks up an armed bazooka. Armed with a heat seeking missile, nonetheless. So later when our hero is caught in an alien ship and must destroy it by shooting at some explosives (Yes, the alien ship and their alien language actually has the explosives, labeled "Explosives") he pulls the bazooka, literally, out of his pocket. Good thing it's still loaded.
If I didn't dislike L. Ron Hubbard and everything he stands for, I would still hate this movie. This is one of the worst films ever made. I mean worst. It's a sad sad world that does not have MST3K still around to dismantle this worthless pile of celluloid. Some critics have said that the special effects are pretty good. No, they are not. They are downright average. The matte paintings look just like matte paintings. The God awful camera angles grow increasingly annoying more and more into the film. The film score sounds as if it was composed by L. Ron Hubbard (Oh, you didn't know that he was an award winning composer, too? Shame on you, you should be reading Scientology propaganda more often). It was uninspirational and lackluster. The ending flourish, during the last "battle" was nothing more than a cacophony of noise.
The acting was awful. As much as I like Barry Pepper, he was trying to take himself entirely too seriously. Travolta and Whitaker are jokes to their professions after this hunk of garbage. They looked like clowns at the circus trying to balance themselves on stilts. This whole film reeked of dog s**t!!! I used to say that Eyes Wide Shut was one of the worst films I had ever seen. Eyes Wide Shut looks like an 11 Academy Award winning film compared to this drivel.
Grade: F
