Fail - Discussions - Articles about Psychology

Many discussions follow a pattern that is clearly doomed from the outset:

Each side is convinced of the justice of their own position
Each side sees the issues in unchangeable terms of black and white
- They are convinced that they are right and correct
- They are convinced that their partner is wrong
Each side is convinced that they know whom to blame
Each side is convinced that they know what the opponents intended to accomplish
Each side is convinced that the situation presents a limited number of alternatives
- Each side is convinced that they already know and have considered all of those alternatives
Each side is determined to "win" the discussion
Each side tries to bring in powerful but unfair methods in order to force a win
- Those methods inevitably cause a breakdown of the discussion process
- That breakdown of the discussion process is itself the background for the next discussion
- Thus, their determination to win has caused the discussion to boomerang

How can we change this mutually intransigent situation?

A good mediator can help the discussion partners create a more appropriate set of positions. He will train each partner to speak to himself, as follows:

I will not say, imply, or believe that I am convinced about the correctness of my position
- I will try to understand the equal validity of my discussion partner's position
- I will do this by exploring the position of my discussion partner in an open manner
I will not say or feel that I know what what my opponent intended
- Instead, I will try to learn about the impact and result of doing things in the way proposed by my discussion partner
- By agreeing to this method, I realize that I will force my discussion partner to understand my side as well
I will listen to and accept the feelings of my partner
I will not assign blame
- Instead, I will try to understand all of the issues and people that contributed to the discussion
I will not take a strong or tough position
- Instead, I will try to explore the beliefs of my discussion partner
I will not limit the alternatives to those that I have in mind
- Instead, I will work together to search for additional alternatives
- I will consider those alternatives fairly, even if they contradict with my own intial feelings or beliefs
- This means that the validity of my partner's ideas will be equal to my own ideas
I will not do or say things that will force my side to win
- Instead, I will be fair and honest
- I will follow proper rules of debate
- I realize that this means that I may lose
  - I accept that option
  - That's right - I will be prepared to lose gracefully
I will try to think about and then to express my position clearly
- I will do my best to argue my points to show why I am right
- I will bring evidence to support my point of view
When the discussion shows that an issue is different from that which is expected, I will cheerfully clarify and correct my original position
I will use and accept ideas presented by my discussion partner
My goal will be to reach the best possible conclusions, decisions, and resolutions.
Having reached those conclusions, decisions, and resolutions, I will cheerfully accept and follow them immediately.

Where do you want to go now?