You can discover more about a person Sometimes people who carry out Berurim are on different wavelengths. The prospective marriage partner knows what he or she wants. The person being questioned has a different agenda. Both sides may talk, but neither side hears what the other is saying.
This frustrating apples-and-oranges situation can be exemplified by the young woman who wants to find a good father for her future children. She contacts the boy's Rabbi, who raves about how well the fellow studies in Yeshiva. They are on two different wavelengths. We will illustrate this issue with three examples:
Clearly, that Rabbi is right – from his point of view. As a Rabbi, he feels that a boy who studies well is good. Indeed, that�s what a Rabbi is supposed to know about a boy. However, you may feel that it bears little relevance to the specific issues that you are investigating at this point.
A Rabbi who says that a boy is "gentle" is presenting his picture of the boy. After all, the boy is expected to act properly when sitting with his Rabbi. However, the boy's model behavior may not necessarily reflect what he is really like.
Furthermore, the Rabbi may not know much about the boy's personality under other circumstances. Granted, other topics may arise when he studies with the Rabbi. However, both the Rabbi and the boy are fully aware of their relationship and relative status. As a result, more subtle character traits may not arise during their sessions together.
During Berurim, some Rabbis may want to know how much money the girl can put on the table, while the girl asks about a husband and father. The Rabbi wants to know whether the boy can continue his studies after marriage. The girl wants to know whether the boy is compatible.
in an hour of play
[i.e., when he doesn't realize
that he's being observed - d.g.]
than in a year of discussion
- Plato, philosopher
What the Rabbi is saying
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