The Berurim - Dating - Grossman Parenting

The degree of one's emotion
varies inversely
with one's knowledge
of the facts
- the less you know
the hotter you get.
- Bertrand Russell

It is a capital mistake
to theorize
before one has data.
Insensibly,
one begins to twist facts
to suit theories,
instead of theories
to suit facts
- Arthur Conan Doyle,
physician and writer (1859-1930)

The most important thing
in communication
is to hear
what isn't being said.
- Peter F. Drucker

We have clarified the advantages of calling or visiting references in order to find out about your potential date. Keep the following recommendations in mind:

Pay attention. Use issues that were raised earlier in the conversation, or in other conversations, to clarify new issues that arise
Ask about apparent contradictions
Take notes, so you can review the phone call later
Ask the contacts for additional contacts from the person's place of employment, Yeshiva, neighborhood, or family

You can try to glean the following information from your Berurim:

Strong positive or negative. If the contact exaggerates certain issues, then you may question their judgment – or the person's friends.
Limited contacts. If your potential date has difficulty offering referrals, then you may want to verify the reason:
- Is there a personality problem? (negative)
- Is your potential date shy? (not necessarily positive or negative)

The Berurim did not give sufficient information?

If so, then you may want to ask yourself some questions:

Is there a problem in communication?
Did somebody misunderstand the facts?
Are there issues that require further clarification?
Are you searching for good or bad things in particular?
Were there drastic or intense differences among these contacts?
- Is it because you are too emotionally involved? (Maybe somebody else should make your phone calls)
- Is it because your questions are not clear?
- Is this a possible warning sign about your date's honesty?
- Is your date trying to hide something?
Do you feel that the contacts were instructed about what to say?

Where do you want to go now?

See the next article in this series