Readiness - Dating - Articles about Parenting

Don't let other people tell you when to get married. You will make that decision, with the assistance of your confidant. You may also consult with your physician.

This page will offer responses to those who try to persuade you to get married at a different stage.

Controversial "readiness" tests have been used for decades in order to determine whether children approaching first grade could carry out school activities properly. There is no justifiable reason to extend that trend to dating, and there is no "right" time to begin dating.

However, there are some historic and accepted norms.

Historic norms

The Midrash explains that the matriarch Rebekah had a preliminary marriage ceremony at the age of 3 – although Isaac was forbidden from marrying her for another ten years.
Pirkei Avot - Ethics of the Fathers 5:25: "Judah ben Teima says, Eighteen is the age of marriage."
In Yemen, not that long ago, girls married at the age of seven or eight, so that the King would not take them (ius primae noctis; see also Ktubot 3:) before their future husband. In addition, Yemenite fathers were afraid of dying young, and they wanted to be sure that their daughters would have secure futures. Therefore, they made arrangements for their daughters to marry young – in their early teens.

Accepted norms

Some people postpone serious dating until later in life. They discuss issues such as a lack of desire to commit themselves.
Still others want to pursue careers or save "enough" money before getting married.
Children in various societies who are not yet interested in marriage may go on pleasure dates. This is often influenced by peer pressure.
In some secular high schools, the high school prom makes a date de rigueur.
Many mature people who reach their late teens or early twenties feel an urge to marry, and start dating seriously.

In general, the trend is for today's "young" children to date earlier than in some previous generations. The media exposes them to things that only married people saw a generation before. They are also becoming physically mature at an earlier age.

Jewish tradition certainly encourages people to get married young and to raise large families.

Therefore, today's questions about readiness may reflect the surrounding society or culture, but they do not reflect the view of traditional Judaism. Jews always married when they became of age - and that age was always determined by the community.

The big picture

It would be wise to determine your larger plans for life before discussing issues about your future partner. Develop clear ideas about what you want to do, where you want to live, what lifestyle you want, and where you stand in relation to your own religious community. Your dating preferences will fall into place more successfully after you have determined the surrounding factors.

Summary

You or your culture may determine that you should marry at a later age than some people did in the past. However, that postponement may not necessarily reflect your readiness.

It is more likely to reflect a choice.

Where do you want to go now?

See the next article in this series