This page will present various issues to discuss or observe on your dates. Your own list may be quite different.
Try to accomplish two major tasks:
- Ask and clarify certain basic issues
- On your inital dates, you will clarify basic issues
- On subsequent dates, you will deal with more intensive issues
- Observe your date in various circumstances and situations, in order to find out what s/he is really like.
Clarify basic issues:
- What made you want (or decide) to go out with me?
- How do you see yourself in 5 years? 15? 25? 35?
- Tell me about your friends
- What do your best friends study?
- What do you enjoy doing together with them?
- Do they work? What are their professions?
- Tell about friendships that you have maintained since kindergarten
- For a boy: Tell me about your recent chavrutot
- Tell me about your family (same questions as above)
- How do you feel about living in Location X?
- Tell me your feelings about Topic X
Observe how your partner deals with various moods:
- Happy
- Sad
- Proud
- Excited
- Disaffected
- Annoyed
- Agitated
- Frustrated
- Disappointed
- Boastful
- Angry
- Shy
- Reticent (about handling something)
Observe the partner's actions and body language in various circumstances:
- After receiving good news
- After receiving bad news
- After being praised
- After being insulted
- After receiving a gift
- After finding out that s/he will have to give a gift
- After he/she breaks something
- After being told to pay an unexpected bill
- After the partner has experienced a crisis
- After having to do something that s/he does not want to do
- After having to go to a place that s/he does not want to visit
- After having to apologize
- After eating something that s/he does not like
- After having to decide whether to fight over an issue
Observe the partner's traits:
- Is the partner helpful?
- Does the partner show resourcefulness?
- Is the partner skillful with his/her hands?
- Is the partner neat, clean, and tidy?
- Is the partner overly fastidious?
- Does your partner have any traits that you find repulsive?
Observe how the partner acts with you, with family, and with friends:
- Does the partner show concern for your feelings and needs?
- How does the partner try to persuade others to do things?
- Does your partner seem to overwhelm you in any way?
- How does the partner act with siblings and with other children?
- How does the partner act in public among friends?
- How does the partner act while involved in his/her hobbies?
Observe the partner's awareness and attitude towards religious observance:
- How seriously does the partner relate to synagogue issues?
- Do your dietary or Kashrut differences disturb you?
- Do your partner's philosophical or ideational differences bother you?
- Do you approve of your partner's hashkafa (Weltanschauung)?
Learn about your partner's actions, opinions, behavior, and background:
- The home
- The Yeshiva or the school
- The dormitory
- Classmates
- A Rabbi, mentor, or confidant
- Volunteer activities
- Army service
- Another (possibly surprising) influence?
In addition to your formal dates, try to observe the partner under relaxed conditions - when s/he is not trying to impress you.
