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I'm planning on coming to Israel and I have a lot to offer.

I'm a professor of the history of left-handed Cherokee Indian vegetarian astronomers who moved to Portugal in the late 1830s. That's right. I'm a world renowned expert in that field, and I'm very proud of it. I'm planning to leave my position in the United States and move to Israel. I know that I can fill a niche over there, because many Israelis don't know anything about my field. I'm sure they'll all sign up for all my courses. I'll make Israel the new center for understanding this field of knowledge.

Which university do you think that I should apply to for this?

Actually, I'm coming to Israel with this friend of mine. He's been in the United States for nearly eight years. He came from Mexico, and by now, he's picked up the language pretty well.

He was the one who noticed that this here package of Israeli soup nuts has a whole bunch of spelling mistakes. He'll offer his English editorial services to Israel.

They're going to scoop him right up. Those Israelis are desperate for somebody who knows decent English, because they certainly don't. They'll want to hire him right away. That's good, because he has difficulty getting a job here. People complain about his English. However, in Israel, he's planning on becoming both an editor and an English teacher.

As far as English teaching, well he never really tried to teach before, but he figures that he won't have a problem, since he knows some English, and the Israeli people need to know English. Does your Board of Education have an office here in Sweden for people who want to sign up to be teachers? My friend is flexible. He's ready to teach eleventh and twelfth grades anywhere in Northern Har Nof.

Money

Why can't you Israelis decide how much your money is worth?

Every single day my dollars are worth a different amount. How are people supposed to know how much to pay for things if you keep on changing the value of the dollar? Products all have these numbers printed on it for those she-... she-... she-... shekelim or shkolim or sheqels or whatever you call your dollars. That doesn't help.

Stores should be required to indicate the prices of items in money. Nobody is going to know how much things cost if it's written in shekels, and those storekeepers can cheat us.

Until you mark these products with money, or at least until you add the real price to the tag, nobody is going to know anything.

That's not the only problem. I don't know how anybody manages to spend money.

I went into a store and all I wanted to do was to buy some milk and bread, but then they started talking to me in Hebrew. If you want to do business with the world you'd better know much better English. I tried. I told them that I do not speak their tongue, though I can read from my prayer book quite speedily, so they switched to their atrocious English. "Yoo vant zis?" one fellow asked me, gesturing toward the dairy products. Like, well, hellllooo, what did I just say? I wasn't discussing the weather."

So I emptied out my wallet on the counter and I told them to take whatever they want. It's not as if I was playing with real money, anyhow.

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Keywords: Consumerism, Editing, Employment, Money, Teaching
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