Does the title seem to imply that this page will discuss two separate subjects? That may be the case, but their similarities are so astounding that you may not be able to distinguish between them.

Many Jews leave their homes and come to Israel. Some of them plan to stay for a brief time, possibly in order to study. Others are expected to come as a lifetime commitment, in order to make Aliyah.

Those who plan their venture properly have a good chance of succeeding. Others may not even read this website before coming!

Still others accept the common Israeli attitude of Yihyeh tov � Don't worry, be happy � everything will work out just fine. This na�ve attitude has a number of features:

• It's a way to avoid thinking about major problems
• It relieves people of the burden of planning their lives
• It's a fatalistic recognition that we cannot see at this time how things will work out
• It's a survival technique for those who are forced into an unfortunate position

This Israeli attitude applies to dating as well. Both Aliyah and dating represent lifetime commitments. Such major issues loom so large in some people's minds that � paradoxically � they avoid thinking about them in a serious manner. Yihyeh tov.

Aliyah and dating also represent painful conflicts between various difficult choices:

• Between the heart and the mind
• Between what "should" be done and what other people want them to do
• Between the "right" thing to do according to people whom you respect, and your own feelings about the right way to live your own life
• Between the guilt trip people place on you, and your desire to choose your own future
• Between things that people talk you into doing, and your own list of reasons for not doing them
• Between things that you should or ought to do, and things that you know are good for you

Some people cannot withstand the pressure from others who are significant in their lives. They may not be able to respond to charismatic speakers who seem to have all the answers. In their weakness, they may feel that their only alternative is submission. As a result, some of them "try out" Aliyah. Others "try out" a marriage to an unlikely partner.

In some cases, these people may feel that the predictable, impending failure of their unfortunate venture could be their best response to those who have pressured them to act in the wrong manner.

What a price to pay. People may waste some of the best years of their productive, young lives just because they cannot stand up and respond properly to some nudniks.

Those people who gave poor advice to the young couple are rarely able or willing to help after their divorce. The victims who thought they were taking the easy way out discovered that it wasn't so easy after all. They suffered during the period of pressure, during their foolhardy Aliyah, and then they suffered again as they tried to rebuild their lives back "home."

Upon returning to the States, they are likely to blame Israel for their failure. However, now that they have developed a stronger spine, their response to future ISBI recommendations may be a more assertive and mature, "Been there, done that. Israel failed me. Now, leave me alone and let me live my life here in the Diaspora." Too bad they couldn't give a similar response several years before that.

Their badmouthing brings to mind the sin of the Spies who visited the Promised Land in the time of Moses. We are still paying the price for those actions, and that repeated Lashon Hara certainly does Israel a great disservice.

True, Israel does ultimately teach some of these people a lesson � albeit at a great price - about being in control of their own lives. Their experience gives them the ability to prevent others from pushing them around. A failed marriage does the same.

However, that lesson need not be so painful. Perhaps people should follow their hearts. There is an easier way to learn the bottom line for both of these issues, in a straightforward manner:

Israel is not for everybody.

You, and only you, will have to live with your chosen partner.

Now, don't allow them to push you around any more.

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Keywords: Aliyah, CanDo, Communicate, Control, Dating, Doubts, Failure, Intelligence, Israel, Marriage, Maturity, Nudniks, Opposites, Personality, Power, Pressure, Questions, Slander, Vision
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