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July 19, 2004
Top Ten Things Yelled By Dumb Guys While Watching "I, Robot"
10. Try tickling them - - maybe robots is ticklish
9. Don't kill the fresh prince! Take me instead!
8. Who needs popcorn? The butter's good by itself
7. Come on, get to the hot robot lovin'
6. Isn't this 'I, Spider-man'?
5. Rumor has it, later the robot has sex with the pie
4. I believe grammatically it should be 'me, robot'
3. I hear this is based on the novel by Isaac Asimov's robot
2. I think some of them robots is on robo-steroids
1. Let Cheney run the country, I'm watching the movie!
Copyright © 2004 by Worldwide Pants.
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(CAUTION! Under-endowed fat man frontal nudity!)
July 02, 2004
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Fat Spider-Man
10. "Got any talc? I'm chafing like a son-of-a-bitch in this thing"
9. "My spider-sense is tingling -- no, wait, I think it's a stroke"
8. "If I climb that wall, do you promise not to stare at my gigantic
ass?"
7. "Thank god the Superhero League dropped the physical fitness
requirements"
6. "I'm part spider, but I'm all man where it counts"
5. "Some bug bites me, next thing I know I'm a fat piece of crap"
4. "If you're in trouble, come find me at Pizza Hut"
3. "Hey, you see a fat Wonder Woman around here?"
2. "I'd gladly trade my superpowers for some self-control at the buffet"
1. "You didn't hear it from me, but Aquaman's gay"
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June 29, 2004
Top Ten George W. Bush Complaints About "Fahrenheit 9/11"
10. That actor who played the President was totally unconvincing
9. It oversimplified the way I stole the election
8. Too many of them fancy college-boy words
7. If Michael Moore had waited a few months, he could have included the
part where I get him deported
6. Didn't have one of them hilarious monkeys who smoke cigarettes and
gives people the finger
5. Of all Michael Moore's accusations, only 97% are true
4. Not sure - - I passed out after a piece of popcorn lodged in my
windpipe
3. Where the hell was Spider-man?
2. Couldn't hear most of the movie over Cheney's foul mouth
1. I thought this was supposed to be about Dodgeball
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June 10, 2004
Top Ten Signs The Actor Playing Harry Potter Is Too Old
10. Uses magic spell to convince store clerk to sell him beer and
cigarettes
9. Character's trademark lightning-bolt scar is now obscured by liver
spots
8. He flies around on a magic walker
7. New movie includes several scenes of Harry shouting at neighborhood
kids to get off his lawn
6. Title of his next movie: "Harry Potter and the quest to see Cameron
Diaz naked"
5. Harry won't shut up about how baseball hasn't been the same since the
Dodgers left Brooklyn
4. Demi Moore has stopped visiting the set
3. He's the new spokesman for Lipitor
2. 70 percent of his lines - - "What'd you say?"
1. He's often mistaken for Letterman
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April 7, 2004
Top Ten Rejected Titles For The Upcoming Gay Western
10. "The Good, The Bad And The Hunky"
9. "How The West Was Redecorated"
8. "The Adventures Of Frank And Jesse And James"
7. "Seven Brothers For Seven Brothers"
6. "Butch Cassidy And The Even Butcher Sundance Kid"
5. "Rio Lesbo"
4. "Dances with Men"
3. "The Magnificent Seven Inches"
2. "Go West, Young Man...Now South... A Little More To The South... Oh
God, Yes! Right There!"
1. "A Fistful Of Wild Bill"
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February 26, 2004
Top Ten Good Things About Winning An Academy Award
10. "I mentioned Budweiser in my acceptance speech and to this day I get
a case a year."
9. "I hide a spare house key under my star on the Hollywood Walk of
Fame."
8. "Back in my day, I had good luck using the line, 'Wanna polish my
oscar?'"
7. "Dangle it from your rearview mirror and goodbye speeding tickets."
6. "No more of that 'It's just an honor to be nominated' bull."
5. "If you forget to rewind, Blockbuster generally looks the other way."
4. "On camping trips, the Oscar is great for pounding in tent stakes."
3. "A lot of people don't know this, but the head screws off and there's
Bourbon inside."
2. "Do you realize Mr. Genius Albert Einstein never won an Academy
Award?"
1. "There's a good chance Paris Hilton will make a sex video with you."
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February 25, 2004
Top Ten Things Heard Outside "The Passion Of The Christ"
10. "Hey -- no shoving, Monsignor!"
9. "I don't know why they added subtitles -- everyone speaks Aramaic"
8. "I'm hoping my medium Mountain Dew will miraculously be changed into
an extra large Mountain Dew"
7. "These 'Lord of the Ring' films are getting odder and odder"
6. "Was this really based on a book?"
5. "Twelve dollars for a movie ticket? Now that's a sin, am I right, people?"
4. "The Pope loved it almost as much as "Barber Shop 2'"
3. "Uh...I don't feel like dinner right now."
2. "That was awesome when Trump fired Pontius Pilate"
1. "Don't tell me the ending"
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