The Cat In The Hat

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By David Poland
Movie City News

November 21, 2003

The popcorn was stale.
And the soda was flat.
Still we sat in the house
And watched Cat In The Hat.

I sat there with Alli.
My sister sat too.
And I said, "How I wish
This was Kill Bill, Part 2!"

Too late to run out
Cell too weak to call.
So we sat in the house.
And we just watched it all.

So all we could do was to
Watch!
Watch!
Watch!
Watch!
And we did not like it.
Not one little splotch.

CHUMP!

And then
Something went CHUMP!
How that chump made us jump!

We looked!
Then we saw him step in on the show!
We looked!
And we saw him!
Mike Myers! Oh no!
And he said to us,
"Why aren’t you laughing, you fools?"

"I know it is late
And the movie’s not funny.
But I had to do this
Or give back lots of money!"

"I know some good gags we could try,"
Said The Cat.
"I have some old tricks,"
Said the Master of Flat.
"A lot of old tricks.
I will show them to you.
Your grandma
May remember just one or two."

My family and I
Did not know what to say.
The jokes weren’t that funny
on Night Saturday.

And John Horn said, "No! No!
How that cat burns my ears!
Tell that Cat in the Hat
He draws out all my fears.
He should not be here.
He should not be about.
He should not be here
In the paper I’ll shout!"

"Now! Now! Have no fear.
Have no fear!" said the cat.
"My words are not bad,"
Said the Cat Who Said Shat.
"Why, we can have
Lots of good fun, you’ll agree,
With a game that I call
Desperate… Unfunny!"

"This is dumb!" said the fish.
"I do not like your voices!
This is dumb!" said the fish.
"You’ve made horrible choices!"

"Have no fear!" said the cat.
"It will get better soon.
I will do some dick jokes
You’ll be out before noon.
With fast waving hands!
And a kick in the balls!
I can also throw weird stuff
All over the walls!”

"Look at me!
Look at me now!" said The Rube.
"With a smirk and a snort
At Ms. K. Preston’s boobs!
I can hold up release!
I can just not approve!
And a little tantrum!
Is the best thing to use!
And look at how clever!
I can chew the paint off the sets!
But that is not all!
Oh, no.
You can bet...

"Look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me NOW!
It’s fun to overact
But you have to know how.
I can upstage you all
All the sets and the color!
I can upstage the kids!
And the CG fish feller!
I can wave my big hands
Like a spazed out show off!
And I’ll go for the groin
Turn your head and then cough!
I can irritate fans
As I give it my all!
But that is too much.
Oh, yes.
Too much is all..."

That is what the cat said...
Then the box office fell!
Though the first weekend worked
The next weekend was hell.
And my family and I,
We saw ALL the things fall!

"Now look what you did!"
Said the fish to the cat.
"Now look at this studio!
Look at Hulk! Look at that!
You sank our director,
He has talent to spare.
But you sucked up the film
Never came up for air.
You SHOULD NOT be here
Where he acting is not.
You get out of that mask!
Jim Carrey you’re not.

Then the reviews came in
A thumb up, one or two,
"We don’t care ‘bout the critics
Do they think that we do?"

And my family did not know
What to say.
Should we tell them
How boring their film was that day?

Should we tell them about it?
How to be nice but true?
Well...
Smile and keep walking
Like the publicists do.
 

Copyright © 2003 by Movie City News.

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