Summer Comments
7/12/01
(SPOILER: Lots of negativity to follow, don't read if you normally characterize me as
an optomistic person.)
Well, it's summer, so I doubt anyone is checking this site. APs came in today. Grant it,
I've known my History score for 2 days now, so the joy has subsided (for the sake of my
sanity, I hope it returns in full glory with my next caffeine binge), and so the Calc test
was able to have its full effect on me. I'm satisfied. I'll state that first. But even
after everything I've learned from junior year, I can't help but compare myself to other
people, to their scores. Something's nagging me, some sense of disatisfaction. Of course
my sister blurting out "Well, you didn't even try," isn't helping matters at all.
(Eric, cover your eyes!) Like hell I didn't try!
That's what is bothering me most about
this whole thing. Some people appreciate my work, some people borrow it, some people
encourage it, and some people discard it. And the discarding seems to come from my family.
Why? Because my brother got certain scores, so I'm expected to match them. If I do better,
great, just as long as I meet them. I told my mom about my History score on Tuesday,
she didn't seem shocked or happy or anything. Even after she had the nerve to tell me
I pretty much sucked at History! It frustrates me that my mom doesn't appreciate
most of what I do. It's all expected of me. I'm expected to give up my life and
soul and sanity for a couple of scores and grades. And after sacrificing all that, my
family doesn't seem to care. Except for Andrew, who seems to take all this so negatively
because he thinks my life is all about beating him and that my family will look down
upon him because suddenly I'm "better". I don't blame him, he may be right.
After the past few hours of thinking, I realize Andrew's right about so much... I mean,
why kill myself just to get into UCLA and be like everyone else in my family? And even
if I do get into some private school on a fluke, my parents will probably sit me down and
say something like, "We really hate telling you this, but we can't afford a private school,
even if you graduate in three years." And the worst part about it all... why do I have
to care? Honestly, why do I care so much? It really makes all of this a pain in the butt.
And you know what, I curse my third grade teacher for it all. Ok, so that's immature.
But my third grade teacher made me sit down, shut up, and start trying.
If she hadn't been around, I could have just gone on the rest of my life being
stupid. I'll tell you what... I think the stupid people are the only people on this planet
who can ever really be happy. They don't seem to notice every little problem around them.
And unfortunately when I'm bored and in "one of my moods" (as my mother likes to say),
I think too much. It's a curse, I tell you. Thinking, being able to process any amount of
information is a curse. Hence the caffeine dependency... creates euphoria, rids one of all
the bothersome problems and just makes your head spin. Having your head spin is preferable
to wanting to bang my head into a wall and crack my front teeth (again).
In conclusion, I suppose I did pick up something of Andrew's... cynicism. I guess we are like
Tom, and my mom is just like Amanda. (How sad, I'm making a literary reference.) And all I've got to
do now is find enough temporary escapes to stay away for one more year, and
then I'm gone. Gone... Sure, many parts of my life contradict this attitude. (Just accept
that I'm super-hormonal and stuff like that, and this will all be easier to swallow.) Ok,
there are many things I know I am fortunate to have, and when I think about how much those
precious memories mean to me, I want to cry, especially since at a moment like this, I know
taking all of those for granted. Those are the few miraculous strings holding me together.
So if I may end on any trace of a positive note... Thank God for those strings.
This entire statement is entirely unlike me, but somehow I feel like
expressing myself this way, so I apologize if this in any way ruins any positive image
you may have of me. I will try to be more positive in future writings.
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