Welcome to my second page of thoughts. This page will have my thoughts numbering 100 to 200. What will I say? Only time will tell. Fare thee well on your journeys, be they less fraught with uncertainty as mine.
~Bri
101. Well, here we are. A whole new thought area. I don't have to scroll down like 30 seconds before I actually GET to the next thought number. Well, as I'm starting a new page, I thought I'd begin it with something funny. But then I realized, ehy, I'm NOT a funny guy. I'm a somber, serious, brooding type of guy. So, I thought I'd take about my weekend instead. On saturday I went to Finnigan's wake, my first bar experience(considering I'm not 19 yet, I'd say that's some achievement). I had a fuckin amazing time. It wasn't like childish...I'd say 100% of the people in there were older then I am...so basically I was the youngest guy in there. But I didn't feel like it. I was in broody mode, with the whole 'Dark Angel' ensemble, as the guys so eloquently put it. But I still had a good time. A fuckin AMAZING time. And I didn't even do anything. I just sat there and took it all in. It was, at the same time, a very cleansing experience, and a very...polluted experience. Funny how things turn out that way.
102. OH man. OH MAN. I just watched the Angel season premiere. I haven't seen a new episode in quite some time. GOD DAMN, IT WAS GOOD. And, if anyone pays attention to my life(which is doubtful), you'll know that those 2 shows have a PROFOUND impact on me. They influence my mood. After watching that...shit, I'm experiencing a whole enw feeling. It's almost an estacy. I can't possibly describe it. But I sure as heel know that feleing like this is a helluva lot better then the life I live. Is this what it's like for most people? I'd sure like to be normal, if it is. Because...my life...it's not life. I don't live. I just exist.
103. Been a while, as usual. And, it's also been a while since I wrote a really depressing thought, but here we go. Ive been lying in bed this last hour or so...and I felt the constricting of my chest that signaled some of my darker days. But perhaps I'm returning to thos darker days...for I havne't felt so miserable, so utterly, utterly depressed in a very long time. And, for the first time in about a year...I really, desperately wished to die. I just wanted the darkness to claim me...I wanted the struggle inside of me to end. I wanted the evil to win, so I could earn a respite from...this... But it doens't matter now...if I get my wish, then I'll be happy...but it'll take a miracle to get me out of this rut.
104. This thought is sort of a culmination of the last few days of my life. I waited until now to write it for a few reasons, mainly because I was sort of caught up in the thrill of it, and I wouldn't be able to give a clear picture of what's really going on. But now, the thrill has, sort of, receeded a little, and I'm not a dumbstruck 14 year old anymore. So, let's begin. Trish. Ahh, what a girl she is. These last 2 weeks or so has totally reminded me of my early days with Brandy...it began on ICQ(or in Brandy's case, AOE), and it developed into phone talking. Of course, I never actually met Brnady, but I did meet Trish, which is satisfying and a let down at the same. Satisfying, cus I know who I'm dealing with, a let down because I built up the picture of Brandy in my head to such a point that she was a goddess to me(which nobody can really be). So now I know exactly what she looks like, and I, for the most part, can control myself a little. A little.
It does lend to the fact that I am rarely NOT in control of myself. I am calm, detachment guy, and I rarely let my emotions show in public. But not with her. Jesus, I honestly felt like I was 14 again...I had that butterflies-in-stomach feeling, and every time Trish would say something nice to me my stomach would not, jsut like it used to. Keep in mind that I'm EIGHTEEN now...Brandy, and for that matter, Cat, was years ago, and I thought I had passed my youth by. But I got one last chance at happiness. Happiness with someone else. I honestly thought I had seen the last of a true frienship with a member of the opposite sex, but hey, never say never. Of course, I have to control my feelings about her, something which I have been notoriously lacking in the past. I already told her I was falling for her, which was stupid of me, cus now she won't look at me the same way anymore, which is VERY stupid of me, because I'm not all that great to look at in the FIRST place, inside OR out. But hey, I digress.
Anyways, I have to sum it up by saying that I met someone. Someone great. Where it will go from here, who knows, but I have to do my best here, because this is my last chance, my very last, last chance at redemption. Because If I fail here.........
105. Yesterday I was work I was feeling pretty philosphic, pondering some questions that plague not only me, but probably all the great minds of the ages. Thought I'd write some of them down, and my interpretation of their meanings. Like, for instance, the struggle between good and evil. That's a relative term. It is not so clearly defined as that, into black and white. Each side has to sacrifice a high ideal to even fight the battle. Evil has to sacrifice chaos, and to fight the battle, they must have order, or else they will turn in upon themselves and lose. And good, good itself has to, simply, fight. Fighting is not something that is exactly looked highly upon in many circles. SO, they have to sacrifice innocence and pacifism to fight the battle, or else they will be overwhelmed, and lose. And, this would hold true in a black and white world, but we do not live in such a world. There are shades of grey to everything. There is even a whole another side, a side of neutrality, where they people have made the choice NOT to fight at all, but withdraw themselves from it, and live a life of choice. See, there are lots of things like that that would be discussed in higher centres of learning. I can hardly be bothered with such trivial matters as prime ministers and presidents, matricies, and the definition of an issue. Bah, that's paltry matters, I want to focus on the real aspects of life, what MATTERS, what defines the world itself, rather then the people in it. Maybe that's why I do so bad in school....Einstein got bad grades in school too. Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.
106. Another philosophical thing like that, something that I wonder about, is the concept of art. I always have a picture in my mind of things I'd like to paint. I'd know exactly what they'd look like, and even exactly what I'd call them. But I can't transfer the picture in my head to paint and canvas. Maybe because the picture in my mind is so perfect, and defined. It's like those paintings like greek-style, where everyone is so well-muscled and looking like almost not even human, but like gods, or something. That maybe what I think is emotions(that would be the names of my paintings), rather then something that can be expressed in words or pictures, it's rather something felt, but cannot be accurately depicted. But, If I could, i'd sure like to try one day. They would be Love, Death, Sacrifice, Tenacity, and Life. And I have an exact view of what they would be. I'll try to explain to the best I can, with the constraits of mere words. Love would be a guy sort of like screaming, and surrounding him would be like...a fog, I guess, sort of a light, airy mist, and that sort of be swirling around him, like he's (or she's) forcibly emitting it from him/herself. Death would be a guy in the corner of the painting, but you cna't really see him, and there would be black tendrils of smoke reaching out to him, with faces in each tendril. Sacrifice would be a guy standing on a cliff, or sort of crouching, while underneath him is sort of a forested landscape, with some water, and a setting sun. And just aprroacgin out of the right side of the picture would be a barely perceptible person running towards the guy. Tenacity, or I guess Uncertainly might be a better word, is just a guy...this one is the least of clear of all of them...he's just sort of got two sides of something fighting it out, while he sorts of just sits and lets the two sides have at it. Life would sort of be a culmination of the other four, with bits from each sort of swirled together. It would be an explnation that all these 4 things make up life....at least to me, anyways.
107. Today has been one hell of an intresting day. And anyone who reads my thoughts in any sort of order knows that intresting is a relative term. Not only did the FUCKING car not start...but I had to walk home. But that, compared to the emotion in me right now, is paltry. I just watched one of my favorite episodes of Buffy. It's one of the middle ones. Like, I think there's 6 or 7 seasons done now, and I think that season was the second or third. Probably third. Nevertheless, it was good stuff. Dark, bleak, depressing, sad, all the stuff that I like to see. And, all the stuff I embody. But...but I like the sadness. It envelops me. Funnily enough, this makes me feel more alive then anything else I have ever felt before. But, there are things I haven't really, truly felt, so I can't say it's the best thing I'll ever know. But then again....maybe it will.
108. I haven't been really up to doing thoughts lately. I would just think "ok, should I do a thoght...............nah." Well, that's got to change. It's time for thoughts. A whole slew of them. Things have been interesting enough lately. But because I've been neglecting thoughts so much lately, I thought I might as well give some updates as to what's going on in my life. But I couldn't possibly contain it all in one thought. SO...here goes:
109. First off, I should probably talk about Brandy. I kinda left everyone hanging with an update and no thought. But here, I'm redeeming myself. Well, basically....I talk to Melissa now, Brnady's best friend, whom I talked to way back when...when me and her...ok that's another story. Anyways, she gave me Brandy's AIM thingy, and I...well...I said hi. I got to say I was sorry...sorry for all the thigns I did to her...I carried that burden all this time...it was the key point in which my darkest days started...but now, I can finally leave that chapter of my life behind me...now all I have to do is leave the CAT chapter behind.....yea that'll be tough too...but now that I've been able to let Brnady know how I really, REALLY screwed up...I can move on. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAYBE I CAN GET ONNNNNN WITH MY GOD DAMN LIFE!! I'm currently just living out each moment, as a moment, rather then a day, or a life, even...and this is NO way to live, let me tell you...
110. Ok, that's done...what else? WEEEEEEEL...other then Brandy and Cat, and a few lost episodes in between, I don't have much to say about a love life that's SUPPOSED to exist. I mean, there was Brandy...and that was great, right up until the bitter end...adn then there was Cat, which was great for a LITTLE while, and after that, was TERRIBLE, right up until the gradual, confused end...whenever THAT was. And there was Karie...big mistake of mine. And Laura, even BIGGER botched episode. And Milena...but I ended that right for once. And Trish...but that yet to unfold...hopefully I can get that to end like Milena's did. And, of course, there was also Jennie, Alison, Andrea, Alana, and Danielle(Twice), but those were all before Brandy...and before I really knew what the FUCK I was doing. Ok, that was a whole slew of bad memories...I need some freakin GOOD emories to counter all that shit...but do I have any? Not any that ended nicely...
111. Wow, thought 111. Weird. Anyways, to continue my little ongoing story here...besides the Brandy thing, and an explanation of all the other SHHHIIIITTT....thats about it. I revised chapter 1 of my book....I think it's a keeper now. I also got started on chapter 2...goin good so far. When I actually get up the energy and the iniative to wrte, I think it's pretty good. Like now, for instance. I just wrote like 4 thoughts. THAT is a record. And i'm also writing a book...which is a pretty mean feat. AND, I've also written another 100 thoughts over the course of a year. And, I've wirtten some poetry(though I'm not all that great at rhyming). I mean, two years ago, in the darker days, I wasn't really all that great at anyhting. I was good at moping, brooding especially, and being generally sad...and that's about it. I'm still not really all that good at all that much...but it's a big step. Maybe I can overcome the shit that plagues me...to quote Staind: "Now I'm older, and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade..."
112. I'd say "It's been a while since I did any thoughts", but my thoughts are ALWAYS spaced out...so get used to it. Today has been a bad day. A singulairly irritating day.And I mean, usually there's SOMEthing that happens during the day that I can say "well, it wasn't ALL bad...". But it WAS all bad. And not just normal bad. Were talking BAD bad. And, oddly enough, I don't want to talk about it. Not here, not to anyone, or anyTHING, for that matter. But, I'm dreading it, because I'm going to have to. I don't like it...but it might JUST save thigns from getting a LOT worse. Guess we'll have to see....
113. Well, something of an interesting thought can be made. Today I was officially disgnosed with depression. I also got some pills(they're prozac, but not), whihch should boost my seratonin levels. But hey, of course I already kenw that, since I stoned myself stupid in finite today. Best math I've ever had. Anyways, my future thoughts will be probably be a lot different....because a LOT is about to change. I may not be the person I used to be anymore...but at least I won't die from all the emotion. And everyone seems to be so inclined to encourage that. But hey, maybe I can be happy....however many pills it takes.
114. My unwritten rules about thought-making were this: whenever something intresting happened, I would add a thought about it. But then I started adding thoughts about my life just to vent my feeling about stuff. Then I tried to return to my more philosophical musings...then all my thoughts got pretty dark. Then, last monday, I got my happy pills. Now I'm a whole different person, after like only a week. I'm by no means cured of my depression(at least I know I have it for sure now), but maybe, when this is all over, I can finally lead a normal life. Anyways, last night I was staring out my windoe in bed like I always do(usually when I do this, all of the dark stuff I think about tends to come to me in big waves)...but...when I expected the thoughts to come....instead there was nothing. I was just....not....thinking. I was relaxed. I was worried, or concerned about tomorrow....I was just content to lie in bed and enjoy the view. I have never in my whole entire life been able to do that....just sit and stare, without thinking. It was a great experience...the first real step to getting this shit purged from me.
115. Talk about intresting stuff. This has probably been one of the most fun-filled weekends of my life. ON Friday, while seeing Trish at wal-mart, I met up with her boyfriend and friends, and we ended up hanging out the whole night. Then I went over to this girl amanda's house yesterday, and that was friggin hilarious. Then today I saw trish get her web pierced(the little part under your tongue). I haven't done this much cool stuff in one weekend since the days of 'them(Them being the nickname we have for the mississauga girls...Cat, Karie, Laura, etc). I also haven't met such cool people since 'them either.
116. Well, well, well. I really need to think of better introductions to my thoughts...but I've probably used them all up by now. Is there really 116 different introductions? Anyways...a lot of intresting stuff is happening, seemingly all at once. First of all, I am planning on asking Laura to formal. But the thing is, I don't think I can buy tickets(they sell out quickly), and I'm HOPING she has tickets already...cus I heard things about her aksing her boyfriend to come(who's a complete asshole, apparently, and she wants to leave him), and if he doesn't...then I'm in there. AS pathetic as that is...in a strange way, it IS kind of romantic. Who knows....she might actually go with me. Three weeks ago I wouldn't have even CONSIDERED asking her. But hey, funny how my medicene is messing with my head. Also, I am now currently seein a shrink. It helps. Although today I'm pretty depressed.
117. Well, I have a follow-up to the previous thought, today being the day after, and also some new stuff to add. First of all, I was able to GET a friggin ticket! How weird is that? There are 732 tickets sold in total, and I got #731. HO YEA!! But I dind't ask her, cus I didn't buy the ticket until after the class I have with her. So tomorrow is the big day...whether or not to ask her. I will, but.............I dunno, I guess we'll find out what she says...if she says yes, then I'll be on cloud 9 for a few days, and if she says no...then I can sell my ticket for 3 times what I bought it for, and sulk. I'm good at sulking, I do it all the time. It's where I'm a viking. Anyways...new stuff to add. I saw cat today. I hadn't seen her since....hmm....probably april. It was all good...we went shopping, ate, and hung out. And although she has mono and can't kiss/touch me without me getting as horribly sick as she was, I still had a good time. YES, I can have a good time with her, y'know....despite what some people may think. Anyways...yea....good times. My shrink told me to start marking down how my day rates from 1 to 10....today was a 9. I'll probably start adding that into my thoughts....the rating, that is.
118. What a thought this is going to be. What a thought indeed. Why, might you ask? Weeeeeeellllllllll.....it MIGHT be because today is the happiest day of my life. Ok...it sure as hell feels like that...and it's probably at least in part due to my happy pills...cus I've had other happy days....but they were a long, long time ago. Anyways....I asked Laura to formal today...but if you read the above thought, you already knew that. And obviously I'm happy for a reason. Reason being she said YES. YES!!! How much better can you get then that? Today rates a prefect 10, regardless that I failed a finite test and it's parent-teacher interviews tonite and I have to work today...it all just falls away when I think of her...she's angelic. I'm probably reading too much into it...but I don't care. I need this. It makes up for the last 3 years of unending torment I've suffered. For once the good side of me has won. A key battle in the future of my exsistence. Because I now have something to live for.......her.
119. It's time to adjust some people's thinking. About me. Although, yes, for a time there I WAS happy, as fabricated as the reason was. I was so happy that laura had said she would go to formal with me....but did I honestly, truly believe she even knew who I WAS, much less liked me? Not really. Because my shrink told me that I created my own shyness, because I was afraid of getting hurt, I was able to consciously face that fear, and banish from my mind. But that created a whole new set of problems. First of all, I saw through the facade that is Laura. As beautiful as she is...she could never love me. But I accept that. Laura is in the past now...even though I really don't know how I'm gonna go to formal with her...but I can't reneg(sic) on her now....that'd be mean. I'll go, as bad of a time as I KNOW I'll have. But this also made me....some people could call it brave, others - like me - would call it foolishness. I am bared my feeling to 3 people in a matter of days, and(except for Laura, but I don't think she REALLY realizes how I feel about her...or she doesn't care) and have been throughly rejected. Before, i would bottle up EVERYTHING that I felt...but now, I can't hold anything in. I don't know which of these I like better. Or which evil is lesser. I guess this means I'm back where I started...because I've started having conscious thoughts about suicide again. Before, they were banished, and I couldn't even forcibly conjure up the image...now, like way back when(like a month, really), now they won't go away. I'm losing weight that I gained, i'm drinking and smoking again, and i'm sleeping more and feeling less rested. Oh, glourious day.
120. Wow, these thoughts are going much faster through then the first 100. I'm already one fifth done them...and it's been like two months. Anyways, hopefully my thoughts will start getting less depressing, starting soon, since the doc increased the dosage of my meds....doubled it, actually. The only thing is...with the increased, I can't drink or anything at ALL, for a goodly portion of time...ahh well, I'll feel better in the end. Good times, good times. I still have NO idea what I'm going to do about formal...I think I'll need Cat to go shopping with me....help me buy a tux...she'd be good at that. Plus we need to do table setup, arrangements for limos, after-parties....BBAAAAHHHH.....it's a lot to plan. It better be goddamn worth it...cus I have NOT a lot of cash...
121. Have I got thoughts for you. It's been a very...interesting weekend. Friday was probably one of those days where you just KNOW somethin's gonna happen. And boy did it ever happen. What does that mean? Good question...It was just an all-around good time. Even though I don't remember a whole lot, my meds mixed with drugs and alcohol cause all sorts of bad shit to happen in my head, and I think I did something I shouldn't have(or said) to Trish...but I'm afriad to ask. Ahh well, mebbe she'll readthis and it'll save me the trouble. Well, even thoughI paid for the night with the next morning, the severe, gut-wrenching, overwhelming depression passed after a few hours...so it's all good. I'm back to normal(actually....normal in the whole world sense...my normal is being fucked up).
122. I havn't done any thoughts for a little while, mostly because I've been pretty busy lately. But now that I have the chance, I'll do a few at once. This thought will focus on what's been happening in my life lately. Those things being that I've now hit on 5 girls in the last month. Before this month, I had hit on 5 girls in 5 YEARS. Why, might you ask, is there such a difference? I'd have to answer by saying it's mymedication. Seems like I can point everything going on lately directly to it's effects on me. Not all are beneficial. But anyways, I got my formal suit, and I look HOT. I just wanna eat me up. And I also...well, I'm sure I've donelots of other stuff too. But todat was probably one of the WORST days of my life, and although I can probably point at least part of it to that I didn't take my meds, but also cus everything just went horribly, horribly wrong today. I can't even BEGIN to list everything bad that happened. But I now know that I'm goin to Milena's for formal afterparties, which is nice, cus now I have somewhere to be. SO yea...bad days, but I'll live.
123. And about my meds...while they DO stop my thoughts from being, well...my first 100 thoughts(if you read them, you know what I mean). It literally prevents me from thinking of them. Something just clicks in my head, and they are just not there. But there's a price to pay for everything, and I'm paying mine. Not even mentioning the memory loss and total lack of sleep, but they make me SO energetic I can't stop moving. I also am almost given a false sense of security in what I do, because I literally don't CARE what I do either way, like my old conscience is replaced by a new one, one which makes me a lot less shy. But its taking me too far(what with the girl situations and everything). I wouldn't be DOING what I'm doing if it wasn't for this stuff...but I might not be doing anything without it. What a world I live in...
124. I have tended to not be doing as many thoughts as I used to, simply because I'm not thinking as much as I used to. NOT not thinking at all, just...focusingon the mundane events in my life, rather then trying to ponder higher questions. But...formal was yesterday, I suppose I should say a little something about that, since it was just one of those nights...like, for instance...well, there isn't a forinstance, a lot of bad stuff happened. My date ignored me, it was practically a club in there(and I've never been to a club in my life, and if I have my way, it'll STAY that way), there was hardly anybody there I knew, so I sat by myself most of the night. PLUS the afterparty was a disaster. I went to Milena's house. I probably had a good mickey, and enough weed to put an elephant into a stupor. ANd because of that...well, bad stuff happened. I can hardly admit it to myself, much less to the rest of you. Let's just say it was very likely one of the worst things I've ever done in my entire life, and that's not an easy list to top. Ahh, boy, this is what happens when I try to change who I am. I'm just not made for this kinda stuff...I'm a solitary guy...that's just who I am. I can't handle all these new things in my life...and NOBODY is making it any easier. My car has been in the shop for a week, my parents are crawling down my throat over EVERY little thing(though some havebeen fairly major), and school is grating on my nerves. I'm not getting any better...I'm just forgetting about all the pain that permeates every aspect of my being. But I can feel it, comin' back again...
125. Boy, back the good ol' days, huh? That's what happens when you abuse the medicinal purposes of marijuana. I was just wondering, throughout everything that I've done that's evil over the past couple of days, it sort of strikes me, the fact that nothing has really changed. Sure, i may FEEL better(at least most of the time), but nothing is BETTER. I may have my changed, but my surrounding's haven't. I'm not a different person on the outside. I'm still an unattractive, scrawny bastard who has an evil glint in his eyes and looks down his glasses at everyone who can't keep up in a conversation. Nobody likes me any more or less then they used to(and they probably have ever reason not to anyways...christ, i'm not the most personable fool around), and I'm CERTAINLY not doing any beter in academica. The sad part is, my baser emotions are still the same. I can feel anger, rage, and sadness. I can still lust. I don't really think I can love, cus everyone who I loved either never loved me back or stabbed me in the back. But I still can't control myself. Something...deeper still escapes, the part of me that I still don't understand. What compells me to do such terrible things(though it might be in part to massiveamounts of chemical substances in my system all at the same time), and whatever justification it leaves me. Whatever has steered me in the direction i'm now going. Cus, I mean, truly...nothing has changed. I wanted to kill myself because of what was going on. But it's still going on now. So why then, was I forced to resist the temptation? Is it because of the meds? Probably...but they can't stop everything. They can't change my surroundings. I still am forced to endure the torment of my exsistence, only with the meds, I srugged it all off or was forced to forget it ever happened. So maybe I should accept the fact that this life holds nothing for me. It hasn't given me one glimmer of real hope. Nothing lies ahead of me but a black road. So why should i go farther in, when i can just sit down right here, cross my arms, and refuse to go any farther. To die now...would be far easier then enduring another period of life until I broke. And break I would. And then I would die. The same way I would die now. Alone. Lost. Afraid. But with the only thing I have. Cold Purpose.
126. Reading some of my earlier thoughts, it occurs to me I dind't tell you what formal was like. Well, it was a DISASTER. Looking at it now, if i could take back asking Laura, i wouldn't hesitate for a second. And no amount of coaxing would have made me go. I had a terrible time. It was like a friggin club in there....3 slow songs in the whole time I was there(and we only left like half an hour before it ended), and Laura flew off somewhere, and I barely saw her at all. You'd think your date would at least hang out with you. Oh well, I can't do anything about it NOW. Yea, well, I ended up smoking 2 friggin cigarettes while being stone sober, JUST for something to do. And today I had one at SCHOOL. SCHOOL!! This isn't a good cycle i'm getting into. Boy oh boy, this has been a horrid week. Not even my meds are doing a good enough job to fix this. See what I mean when I said that my surroundings haven't changed? I may be a different person on the inside, but I still tend to fuck everything up 6 ways from sunday.
127. I've barely done any thoughts this month(december), and, truth me told, quite a bit has happened to me since formal and christmas, and since I'm leaving tomorrow for montreal, and I'll have many a story to relate, I might as well add a thought now. Like, for instance, yesterday, I spent 13 hours hanging out with Amanda, and later Trish. What a great day I had yesterday. It rates up there. Though, in a way, it reminded how many people are blessed enough to have boyfriends/girlfriends, and how I don't. That is INCREDIBLY selfish of me to think, but hey, I'm allowed to think what I damn well please. I can pity myself all I want, and there's not a WHIT you can do about it. Anyways...yea, it seems I jump from girl, depending on who I'm with. I mean, there's Laura(though I don't like her anymore), Milena, Karie, Amanda, Trish, and Thao. It always seems like they're the one for me...but then whenever I've made my feelings known(except to Thao...yet), I have been brutally rebuffed. SO WHY IN GOD'S NAME DO I KEEP DOING IT?? I may as well spare myself the pain and try to forget about it...but for some strange reason, I can't. What torment it is, to not be able to just be friends with someone. Oh well....that's the life I live.
128. Wow. What a friggin intresting new years expierience I had. Have I got stories for you. I'll be brief with them though, since I'm still reeling from last night(New Years' Eve). When we got there, we settled, and almost immediately headed out to the casino. There, on the first day, I won $160 on the slots(on one pull of the arm). After that miracle, me and ry put together 50 bucks, and headed over to the $50 blackjack tables, jus tto say we did it. However, i won, and we each doubled our money. the next day at the casino, i did the same thing, except i stayed, and ended up winning $250 at the tables, split between me and ry. And the third day, I won another 200(once again split between me and ry). So I was really fuckin lucky. Anyways, the partying section of it was pretty good too. First night we didn't do much, just sorta scouted stuff out. Second night, ry had a 26er of Rye, so i had to watch him as he trapised all over montreal, eventually leading him back to the hotel, where he passed out immediately. Third night, new yeas, we had bought tickets for a club, so we started drinking early. Over the course of the night, I had about the equivalent of 40-50 shots...so i was GONE. I started dancing, and didn't stop for about 6 or 7 hours. The girls down the hall from us thought it was hilkarious. And I did some pretty stupid things in front of them...there's pictures, but nobody will ever see them unless I so wish it. ANyways, we went to the club after that, and I just didn't stop. That's all a blur...but somehow i lost my coat check thingy, and so my coat is still sitting in the coat check room at club kokino in montreal. I hope I get it back. SO that was the one blemish on my other-wise perfect trip. BUt I don't ever get something without giving something up, do I? SO i'm not as pissed off as you might think...because i know that i can never recieve even just one oment of true, pure bliss. Ah, what a curse that is.
129. I meant to add thoghts for quite some time...but yea, I haven't really been up to it until now, so here goes. I've been really messed up the last few weeks. My meds gave me a weird side effect called disassociation. Basically what it is, is that I go in and out of mild coma's all the time. My mind wanders(through no will of my own), and I find myself, just not...there. The 'episodes', as my shrink termed them, can last for anywhere from 5 seconds to 5 hours. I've fallen asleep at work, went on stints in classes(so i don't pay attention to lessons and shit), and all sorts of crazy shit. So, needless to say, I haven't been doing any thoguhts, cus I haven't really been here to do them. But I got the prescription changed, so I'm back to semi-normality. And ready to do thoughts again. Yay. I don't really have anything else to say besides that, though...I haven't really been doing a whole lot of thinking. Though some intresting events have happened, but I'm not writing about them until I have a more objective point of view about them.
130. My meds are doing exactly what they're supposed to. I can't feel a thing. I was just about to write this thought, and I thought what I was gonna write about...and then I realized that I don't feel anything either way, so I don't really have anything happy or sad to say. Intresting. But yea, I might as well tell you about my day, since I got nothing else. Hmm, let's see, what did I do. Well, I wacthed a GREAT episode of Angel(GREAT), I'm talking to Alana for the first time in GOD knows how long(I don't even remember what we fought about in the first place to cause us t not talk for like a year). I tired to talk to Brandy, but she brushed me off(though I am severly UNsuprised). Other then that...I really have to pee. Yea, what a...normal day. WOW. I can't beleive I just said THAT...
131. Some of my previous thoughts there a re a little weird...I know, I wasn't exactly all there. But I changed meds(AGAIN), and so things are leveling out a bit. I'm much more philosophic now anyways, so I'm able to do some wholesome thoughts again. Though, this time, I have something a little more important to write anyways, so for now, I'll leave the philosophical musings on the back burner. Today my shrink told me that I'm gifted, and as such, the reason I do so bad in school is that I'm not challenged enough to care. Which is EXACTLY what I was struggling to realize, but now that I know, I can point to that. SO yea...I'm going to try and have an IQ test done soon, but apprently I'm hovering around the 130-140 mark. I think the average lies somewhere around 100. So that's pretty damn good. If that's true, then I'm smarter then about 98% of the people in the whole school. Now how's THAT for cool? I can run circles around most of my teachers as it is, but that means the few people who ARE smarter then me are the chinese kids with brains the size of watermelons. But that's ok...I don't want to be #1. I just want to be JUST good enough to have to care. yay me. It's one of the few times I've looked upon my intellgence as a blessing, not a curse. Cus I still believe ignorance is bliss.
132. Something actually happened that merits a thought. Now THAT hasn't happened in a while. And, it's actually something GOOD, which hasn't happepned in an even LONGER while. Last night Milena slept over. GOD, that was a dream come true. We slept together for a few hours, but then I had to go sleep in my own bed so my parents wouldn't get suspicious. My robe and a pillow still smell like her....GOD I love her...and she said she loves me too, and we held hands, and sheslept with her head on my chest...GOD, it still feels like a dream. BUT, at the same time, while it is undoubtedly something good, at the same time...it made me realize how TERRIBLY long its been for me. Even though I'm not sure I really WANT a girl...its times like those that make me see the merits of such a relationship. Its still a little fresh in my mind, so maybe I'm being a little biased...just like the time me and Niki slept together, but I still look back on that as one of the best nights of my life, so maybe I'll do the same here. I guess we'll just have to see...
133. Y'know, I always make thoughts (good ones, anyways) seem like it's the answer to ALL my problems, and everything is just wonderful and magical. Why do I do that? Is it because I truly want to believe it? Well, it would certainly seem like everything I even TRY to pursue either gets away, or gets thrown back in my face so harshly that I regret I ever chased it in the first place. Ahh well, that's what dreams are....just dreams. Though someday down the road this exact thing will happen again, and I'll interpret it wrong just like i did here....until that day, which I hope will be far off(if it ever comes at all), I'm making the promise to myself to never chase a dream. I have never, EVER, caught one, so why the HELL should I believe I'm going to catch one NOW? Being pragmatic is far easier on the ol' heart then being idealistic. It's getting now so you can hardly tell the fragments of my heart from the glue and tape holding it all together...
134. I wonder what it's like to be fully aware of yourself as you die. I'd say that everyone that dies, usually has something to keep them occupied in their last moments. Be it searing, blinding pain, or the drowsiness of valium, or sudafed...ha ha...I'd say that was funny, except the few people who've died and come back to life don't really know...do we? I mean, what is it REALLY like? To be aware that your last moment of this life has arrived...and what comes after? Usually, we don't know. I certainly don't remember. There's a lot of stuff that doesn't make sense, from what I DO remember, but hey, life's just FULLA stuff that doesn't make stuff. But I mean, c'mon...life isn't REALLY worth living. Think of it this way: I'm doing nothing...your working hard. In a hundred we'll both be dead. I should think that whatever we do in our next lives(if such a thing exists) would have little bearing on what we did or didn't do in THIS life. And even if it is....well then that hardly seems fair. Does it? Circumstances destine what we do. And those circumstances rarely seem fair either. Well, it's all the more reason to get the hell out of here. It's just a big bag of circumstances, hormones, and contradictions. Now THAT hardly seems fair, now does it?
135. Been a pretty messy week or so. Exams are done, finally...but that doesn't REALLY matter since I failed finite, so I'm basically screwed. Whoever takes me(if any), I'll go there for sure. Anyways, enough about that crap. Thogh, other then that....I haven't really DONE anything. I mean, I keep telling myself that everything is better now(cus of the meds, and the physch, and everything), but it's really NOT. Only I have changed. Everything else just stays the same. I'm being buoyed by something, preventing me from sinking back into the morass...but the morass is still there, I'm just lifted on top of it. ONly when the morass is GONE will I be happy, and since I'm fairly certain that it ain't goin anywhere anyimte soon, I think it's safe to say that I'm never gonna be happy. And it's gonna take some drastic measures to purge the morass from my life....and I can't possibly do it all myself...cus there has to be someone else...someone else has to be the initiator, because it's never worked when I've done it. Ahh well....back to pointless life. That's all it is....what's the point of slogging my way through it, if there's nothing to be had at the end? If there's just swamp swamp and more swamp, then why can't I stop moving through it now, when there's only more ahead, with no end in sight? And very likely, no end ever.
136. Some stuff has culminated over the last little while, but I haven't done any thoughts simply cus I didn't feel like it. But I do now, so I guess it's your lucky day. Anyways, my shrink visits are getting more and more productive, I learn something about myself every time I go. This week I learned, basically(she didn't tell me this, I deduced it on my own), that everyone since Karie is a manifestation of my ID, trying to break free, since I repress it with all the other shit I've had to deal with over the last few years. Seems like there's always something, and he(I think of the ID as a he), starving for attention because of it. Well, he's gonna hafta wait for a little while longer, but I promised myself not to ignore him forever. And because he was coming out in weird ways(like all the girls I had like two-week flings with), that won't happen anymore, which was ruining all my friendships with girls. Hopefully, with patience, I won't have to resort to that anymore. Like always, we'll just have to wait and see...
137. If I had written a thought anytime from the last one till yesterday, it would have been a pretty depressing one. I was in a real slump for a while, probably cus I wasn't taking my pills on a reglar basis. Oh well, I had the most amazing night of my life last night, so I'm pulled right now. I haven't been this happy in a good long while...I mean, sure the meds make me content, at least...but they don't make me HAPPY. So here I am...happy happy happy. yay for me. That's all your gettin out of me, though...I DON'T kiss and tell...at least not anymore.
138. Here is a summary(a quick one), of my month of march: I tried shrooms and hash for the first times(hash is a quick spike with a big crash, so i'm not sure i like it...but shrooms....hoooo boy....they last FOREVER). I also made leaps and bounds in the relationship department. I had a crush on Katie(remember, #1 on the hotties list? she was the reason i took it down), but that didn't work out, though I might actually end up going out with her SISTER(right out of a soap opera, i know...oh well). PLUS there's this other girl at school I'm thinking of asking out....yeesh, who knows, this stuff just comes in big spurts....I sincerly hope one of these works out, because if they don't, it's gonna be another long stetch of barren plain...ahh well, It's nothing I'm not used to. Other then that, I'll be happy to leave all you suckers behind when I go off to university, and be LOVING IT! I know I always used to say I wouldn't go...but since i've actually BEEN there and looked around, it seems completely worthwhile. :P later skaters! It's been a great 5 years....FOR ME TO POOP ON!! (I wanted to put that in the yearbook, but they wouldn't let me).
139. It's been a VERY long time gap in between thoughts here, but I have one, and I'm all over the place today, so I decided I'd add it. My life is MUCH different....I return to my own little heaven tomorrow...a place where I don't have to answer to ANYBODY but me...all the things I ever wanted are pretty much falling into place. I have many friends. I have a girl waiting for me, and a girl that *I* liked first is returning the affection...what a way things have turned out. Kinda makes you wonder, don't it?
140. Just sitting here thinking, kind of bored, I realized something and thought it was worthy to write down, so here I am, doing it. I had a simple thought....I think differently then other people, becuase I just must, to explain many things. Most people just have thoughts...but when I have thoughts, it's like another section of my brain is analyzing THOSE thoughts, and having thoughts of its own, all at the same time....so it's like I think and I think about WHY I think....sounds funny, but it's true. That's it. I can't explain it more then that.
141. You know what's a very uplifting song? Linkin Park - Faint. I'm listening to it right now and it's making me feel very motivated...to do what, I don't know, but it's motivating in itself. I don't really have anything planned for this thought, it's usually just a random impulse of mine to add thoughts, I'm sure that's where most of these came from...I don't remember writing most of them, but I have an idea of what I was thinking, since while I have changed, I haven't changed enough to forget what I am, and what I used to be. It's funny, my life is perfect in so many ways, yet at the same time, it's absolutely unbearable in others, many others. It's funny how I can say that I am happy, like, truly happy, not fake happy. I appreciate things like nature and people, just for the sake of their exsistence. Yet, while I revel in such expressions of life, I am very human in the sense of not being satisfied with what I have been given. No, no I want MORE, more then I have, because hey, isn't that what we're all driven by? The desire to have MORE for yourself? I surely know that I could stand to get a whole lot happier.
142. Today, September 17th, is a day that will live in my mind for many moons to come. So much stuff went down today. From my waking up to go to class, and seeing a big scattering of kids running around the forest at 12:30 in the afternoon...or when i came home after class and we all watched the joe schmo show(which is great), and then we decided to all get naked, and THEN we decided to go to the pub, and we drank, and then we went on TWO septerate mischief runs and got all sorts of cool stuff. But the kicker was I got to do some making out, and as it turns out, I was in competition with some other guy to see who was the better kisser, and i won! HO YEA! Now THAT would make any guy feel proud. So...today was a damn, DAMN good day. It's gonna be hard to top for tomorrow...but I guess we'll find out!
143. I'm standing in a black field, and it's raining. I'm in the rain. I'm screaming at the rain to stop, but it doesn't stop. Music is playing. I feel the uselessness of the moment. The rain makes me nothing. A life, compressed into a moment.
144. Have you ever experienced a moment of pure, total release? It could happen at any time, for any reason...you could be standing, leaning...and you are there. Where there is, is not here. Even for just a fleeting moment, it is possible to be free. Free from the wretched spiral of this mortal coil. The vagaries of human exsistence ripped from our minds and made flesh, stone, smog. It really is funny how the more enmeshed in the real world you are, the more you can feel how pointless it is. Yet, to be detached from the real world is to be free, to be unbound by the rules, structures, and corruptions that our minds create. Yet it is impossible for all humans to be englihtened, for then where would the point be in this real world?
145. I don't want to commit myself to too much at this point, since I'm not QUITE ready to be letting everything out, especially in the state of mind i'm in right now....SOOOO....I'll leave it at that. But I must remember a few things, to keep in mind when writing future thoughts:
1. I am in the middle of a quest.
2. Where am I going?
3. * What is holding me back? Who? And how? *
146. It's story time. Time for a story about my day, a very good day, one which I shall not soon forget. Me and Cindy woke up this afternoon with plans to go downtown, because we were gonna see Lindsay Lohan at Muchmusic(Because she is SOOOO hot). So we get on the subway, then get off the subway, then walk towards the building. We stop on the way at friendly stranger to buy some cool stuff, and also stop at this "active surplus" store, which sold the MOST RANDOM shit you could think of! We got cool stuff there, too. Then we get to muchmusic. We wait a little, then she comes out, to much fanfare. GOD was she looking hot. She made eye contact with me for like a second(though i doubt she gave it a second thought), and heard us all outside chanting "come outside, come outside!". Good times. Then she left after like a half an hour(and DID NOT COME OUTSIDE!!), and I waved to amanda the vj once, and after the show me and these two random dudes made hearts with our arms to her, and she did the same(hoooo hoo dilly...she's not as hot as lindsay, but still pretty fine). Then we left, cus there was nothing left to do! On the subway back, the conductor guy was singing all the stops to the passengers...it was a good moment, everyone seemed happy. It was a perfect end to a perfect day. So then we came home. And everything else is just gravy. :)
147. I haven't written any thoughts for a while. But I decided to this time, because of the sheer weirdness of this dream I had. I don't want to forget it, even though I told Cindy and Julie about it already. I don't remember most of it, in fact really only the last few scenes, but those are the ones that matter. I remember trying to escape from this maze of hallways, always with stairs going up. The halls were designed like high school hallways(I don't really know how to describe it other then that), and me and my old friend Patrick(best friend from grades 4-9, whom I haven't talked to in a few years) were the ones escaping from this 'place'. So we're running, running, running, and finally we get to this big room at the top, and its filled with people. The exit is at the other end of this room, so we make a break for it, trying to be sneaky to avoid anyone spotting us. So we're sneaking, sneaking, sneaking, and finally we reach the last stairs at the exit. But before we get out, I turn around, and lo and behold: the mass of people in the crowd are all looking at a stage, and on that stage: the last supper. The table is set, with Jesus at the center. He is wearing red, and looks like my pre-concieved notion of Jesus(remember, he was quite far away from where I was watching). But then, at the end of the table, I see Judas stand up. I yell, at the top of my lungs: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!". As I do this, Jesus turns to look at Judas, who in fact is throwing something at Jesus(I couldn't tell, it looked like a book, or a wooden block, or something). But I don't see it hit Jesus, for I have already turned around and am heading out the exit(remember, people were chasing us, and they definitly noticed when I yelled). And then, as me and Pat reach the exit, we both faint. I don't know why, we just do.
I wake up(in my dream), to find I am tied up, with Pat, in the back of a pickup truck, and I look up....and I see.....
Dick Cheney. He is reading an acceptance speech. I feel this as being true from the dream, but also because I could hear him saying things like "Oh I'm so happy", and "thank you, thank you", etc. And then, I wake up.
I don't know what this means, but I do believe that Dick Cheney in my dream MEANS something. Maybe since I'm a firm Democrat and I don't want Bush to win, this was a way of allowing my subconscious to acknowledge the possibility that he COULD win, since of course, Cheney was lookin' pretty happy. But the rest of it, I have no idea. Could mean anything, or nothing.
Well, that is my dream. Do with it what you will.
148. I have to write this thought and then copy+paste it because my computer keeps fucking up and I can't finish a thought. I need a new one. But back to the thought,
So, it's been a while since my last thought, and I think the time between each one gets progressively longer...what does that mean?
This doesn't hold the same appeal to me as it used to, writing thoughts...it should, though. Somehow this is suppossed to be good, people might read something and get some inspiration? I've had this for a while...almost 5 years.
Ok, I'm actually going to talk about something now, something I want to say...like...
......Like how unbelieveably complex life on earth is, and now things will get worse, I feel, not better. Not this year. It seems so promising, but something bad is going to happen.
I don't like that idea....I'd rather get lost in the music...
Interpol - Hands Away.
Good fucking song.
...................
Ok, so back to the thought.
But I don't know what to say. Except....I think my computer REALLY sucks.
That's funny, when I wrote except, I was going to say something else, but my computer did the stupid thing it does, when it erases everything I've written....it's a good thing I'm writing in notepad and can undo it...phew.
I bet Julie would want me to say something about her, so I will.
How about she's the best thing that's ever happened to me? mmm...I desire.
How about...love........yea, how about that? Love is more complex then any single human can conceive. I don't know how to expand on that. You can just sit and think, and everything is possible, but it's really not....so how are you allowed to imagine it? The world doesn't make sense that way...makes me wonder just how different humans will eventually get. It won't happen for at least a few hundred years, but after that...the world will never be as wild as it is now...and that kinda makes me sad.
.......and I think I'll leave it there.
~Brian
149. I saw a very intresting documentary today, the first third of a look into how corporations are essentially the cause for our continued destruction of the environment. I believe now, more then ever, that the Earth is in decline. Every bio-system on Earth is becoming more threatened, and the available resources dwindle every day. Humans especially; the cancer epidemic is mostly caused by our industrial practices. I really want to DO something...this made me want to stand up and change the world. But HOW do you do that? How do I change the course of human history for the better?
Now THAT is a question we should ALL be asking.
150. I'm in a mood. I percieve more than usual. "what if everything around you isn't quite as it seems? What if all the world you think you know, is an elaborate dream? When you look at your reflection, is that all you want to be? If you could look through the glass, would you find yourself afraid to see?"
These are the words I hear as I am in this mood, rather by coincidence. I percieve more then is what around me. There is more.
My tiny, weak mind cannot grasp, cannot concieve of anything outside the rules that bind this world together. Or can I? Maybe, what I think I know, is in fact all a lie?
Why do I ask these questions? Do I want answers to these questions? Or would I rather remain in this shell, and play this life out to its ultimate conclusion. Is there more out there? Is there another life to lead? Is there a choice?
I want to know.
Humans only became masters of the world through deception...and that is all we are. Humans are sneaky, and we crept out way into Earth's throne. We cannot decieve forever. I feel as though I am decieved as much as I decieve, and that leaves me with absolutely no truth. There is nothing to know.
151. Grrr. So much to express. And yet, despite my urge to let it all out here, I can't. I have to hold it in, because I'm afraid to reveal my feeling to just one person, and that fear is enough to keep this shit bottled in. But my bottle is big, annd there's still room. Sigh. So much lost hope, so much wasted potential, so much FOOLISHNESS. I feel like that 18 year old kid again, lost in a sea of uncertainty...GODDAMIT. I don't know how much more lamenting I can do over this stupid situation without beating the dead horse, so to speak. But, MAN, talk about differeing expectations....I gotta learn to be smarter with girls.
152. Lots has been going on. My summer is going very well, despite all the work. Second year of working for the town, picking up garbage, cleaning up washrooms....as bad as it sounds, it's fun. I feel like I have lots to add, because good things have been happening and I don't want to forget them. So lets talk about girls here. So I broke up with Julie, an unforunate but nessecary event, and now am pursuing all kinds of leads. Desiree didn't pan out, though...it's too bad I didn't know that she liked me back in the day...when I was depressed....having her would have surely cheered me up. But that's a lost cause, and shall remain so. I have a new prospect, though...but the time is not yet right. When the moment comes, I'm going to seize it...I still have a month and a half...I can do it.
153. I'm continuing my earlier thought here, as I want to branch out into a different category. It's still about work, though...just work people. So I've got to Kylie's house twice for party/going-to-bar nights, and both times have been really fun. It is very intresting to meet new people and see how they interact with each other. Especially Kylie. What an entrance THAT girl can make, let me tell you. But she knows how to throw a party, and I'm thankful for that....some very intresting moments have come out of it. Like people hooking up in the backseat of my car, smoking joints at 3am, seeing people you'd never thought you'd ever see again...man, I am really, really enjoying myself. Lets hope it gets better....as I imagine it will. Ha. I'm happy for once. Mark it down!
154. I feel like today should be special. I learned something today I would otherwise not have learned, and the only reason that happened is because I was caught in a lie. I suppose it never would have happened if i hadnt've let my guard slip, but I guess it was bound to happen eventually...it has been years. So, what do I do with this new information? I'm not sure. I see things a little clearer, but that of course may fade with time. I know how important it is now to get my life on track, and how precarious my position is. I could screw up my life just like I screwed up this moment, and end up with nothing.
And yet, I'm just not ready. Not ready to give it up yet. Not now, not when I've come so far, done so much...so much that nobody can ever know. And those who do...well...they count, but my achievement can never be shared with the world. The most ambitious thing I've ever attempted, and I can't even enjoy it. The fruits of my labour are illegal. I can never show the world that I am smart, smart enough to cultivate something out of the ground, to bring life into the world. The life I had created will never be known to those outside the circle of trust. And that circle is small. And they, even they, cannot appreciate what I have done, for all they see is the product. They were not there when i coaxed the most fragile of earth's bounty out of the ground, gave it life, water, air. They were not there to see the toil, the uncertainty, the wait. All they see is the harvest. But not me. No, I see ambition come to fruition. And I couldn't be less proud.
My greatest achievement in this life, and it comes to nothing. I think, perhaps, it's time to find a calling.
155. There are so many things I should have written about this year, good things that have happened to me, White Stripes concerts, Stills concerts, going to the forest, other good times...but no, I never did it. Just like I'm not going to class. Just like I'm wasting my life. Even now, I should be in class. I have to start going...I just can't seem to motivate myself. I've been having that problem throughout university...and I have yet to find a solution. So here I sit, wallowing in self-pity....with no recourse. I truly deserve to die.
156. Even more good things have happened to me, and even more so then before, my motivation is just not there. At Halloween pub, a girl actually asked me if I had a girlfriend, and then asked to sit on my lap. Now you would think that me, the guy who this never happens to, would jump on this chance to bag a hot girl(in a french maid outfit, no less)....but no, I didn't. Why? The answer is awfully simple. I felt nothing for her. I would have liked to...but no, my body was devoid of feeling for this girl....which is perplexing, yet somehow oddly consistent. THen the very next day, when another girl asks me to come back to her house, this very situation immediately crops up in my mind....again, the utter lack of feeling...and thus I went home instead. I don't really know how much different my life would be if I had pursued either of these oppourtunities....but either way, I am not satisfied. I can't remember the last time I was absolutely content with my lot. Funny how this all seems to tie together....girls....school....life choices....my future, it all seems to be crumbling at the seams, and I'm left here with nothing. Nothing to live for. But you. You, far off in the distance, the one I've been waiting for...whom I have yet to meet. I sincerly hope I can motivate myself to find you, to talk to you...to love you...
157. I am stuck in a rut. I'm floundering, and I shouldn't be. I know I can do all the things I need to do, and not just in school, but for some reason I'm just too depressed, too lazy, too apathetic to do anything about it. I willingly reject happiness. And I think I want to die. How's that for falling back on old habits? It's a very comforting feeling, to know that this is not permanent. Funny, I would figure most people would feel the opposite way, that they would rather their lives be permanent. I, for one, am happy it is not.
158. Feeling very strange today. The world possesses an otherworldy quality that causes me to see things in a slightly different light. I know it's because of the book I'm reading. It's called Wide Open, and in fact it has been making me feel just that, wide open. Present, vunerable, exposed. And yet there is the core of me, my very soul, wrapped again and again in indifferent and apathetic cloth. What a strange dichotomy. The outside of me is exposed, and the inside of me is cloistered, hidden. Yet somehow nothing advances, my life does not progress. I cannot find my niche, the place where I can stop and be happy until I die. Funny how I've been skipping over the meaty part of my life to come, and instead have been focusing on what comes after...after I finish the job I've been half-heartedly struggling to become qualified for. Sure, I want to be a teacher, but only to make enough money to be able to remove myself from that particular sphere of Western, human life. Only when I do that will I become myself.
159. Writing does not provide any answers for me. I'm not entirely sure why I decide to write, and why I only occasionally decide to do so. It is not going to help me get better marks, or cause any sort of advancement. I do feel good after venting some particular thought and transforming it from an absract image to a series of written lines, but it does not cause change. It only causes emptiness, for after voiding a particular thought, there is nothing to swoop in and replace it. So why am I emptying myself? Maybe, because these little pieces of me will live on, long, long after I am gone, and perhaps you, reader, will manage to eke out some small measure of meaning from my abstract musing.
160. I have an intention today. That intention is to mark this day. It's awfully important. It is, the last true day I will be living in this room of mine, this room in #16. It is a fine room, built by my own grandfather, and I'm sorry to leave it. I have a new place to live, and I have to move all my stuff, on this, my first day of winter vacation. I should record the date, too: December 13th, 2005. I feel like leaving some kind of lasting impression, something I can write down to remind myself of the joys of this place. I've had a lot of good times in here....this is where Julie and I had our most passionate moments. This is where Jackie and I had our best, and worst times. This is where I brought people, and everyone marvelled at my efforts. My celing is the night sky, covered in glowing stars. I felt my mind twist and bend and melt, watching the walls fall down around me, trippin like mad. I may forget all of these things, and I may find better times elsewhere....but this place....this place holds a special significance. Maybe I'm just not meant to grasp it...a sublime feeling it is, vast and uncontrollable. I ramble, because I want to include everything, but how do you compress more then 3 years into a paragraph. I moved in with Cindy, Darya, and Alana. Alana left, Julie moved in. Julie left, Zain moved in. Zain moved out, G moved in. Now, I move out.
I wish there was more to say...
161. Even my dreams are depressing. I dreamt about Julie again....she came to the house during a big party and we got back together, then I took her up to my room. Of course, as soon as anything good happens, Jerry Springer and some chick waltz right into my room and start setting up cameras and shit. So of course I have to leave Julie and throw them out the window, which starts this huge manhunt, and I end up being chased by like 15 guys, who I have to fight off just to survive, and then I wake up. What a stupid, stupid dream. I'd rather not dream about Julie, but shit, at least let me have the good parts!
162. There are many things I should have written. Much has happened, good and bad. And there is something I should say now, something important, memorable. I have not found it. I dream it will be owning my own small, quiet cafe, where I can avoid the hectic pace of today's world and simplify myself. Every now and then my life feels hollow, because I have not achieved my goals. And yet, I like to wander off the road. Who needs to follow the road to get where they're going? Wandering, rambling, meandering around that thing, that one group of atoms that your looking for, the part of you that is looking for you too. That, is life.
...So why am I unhappy?
163. I have not written in a long, long time. Does it matter? I felt like writing something.
Need to vent? Ask questions? Feel Free.
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