Revelation: The Feeling I Had 
Part 4/4 

by Caitlin <dana_lynn_tighe@hotmail.com> 

Rated PG 
Disclaimers apply from part 1 
Author’s notes at the end. 

Dedicated to Sarah for all her help and critiquing!:) 

=/\==/\==/\==/\= 
I cannot take the heat 
I guess I’m letting go 
I’m tired of stitching up my dreams with 
This thread of hope 
I’m still a believer of 
Twin hearts and timeless love 
And all I ever wanted was the feeling I had with us 
(“The Feeling I had” by Amy Grant) 
=/\==/\==/\==/\= 
 B’Elanna Torres was still fuming over her conversation with Tom earlier 
that day in the cafe.  ^I never should have trusted him again!^ she 
thought bitterly. 
 “Mom, why are you so mad?”  asked Gillian. 
 B’Elanna glanced down at her small daughter.  She smiled sadly at her. 
“It’s nothing you need to worry about, hon.”  B’Elanna was embarrassed 
that her three-year old daughter was able to pick up on her emotions so 
acutely.  She had always thought she had been able to efficiently hide 
her emotions from others.  So much for that theory.  B’Elanna leaned 
down and hugged Gillian.  “I love you.”  she whispered into her ear. 
 “I wuv you, Mom.”  Gillian whispered back. 
 “Sweet dreams.” 
 “You’re leaving?” 
 “I’ll just be out in the living room.” 
 “Will you sleep with me tonight?” 
 “I don’t know, Gillian.  You’re really getting a little too old for 
that. . . .” 
 “Pwease?” 
 B’Elanna tried to hide her smile.  “Fine.”  Gillian beamed at her. “Let 
me go get changed.”  Gillian nodded happily.  “Lay down, Gillian.” 
B’Elanna commanded before she left the room.  B’Elanna could already 
feel her anger at Tom taking second place to her love for her - their - 
daughter. 
 By the time B’Elanna had changed into her wine colored pajamas, tidied 
up the living room a little bit, and shut off the lights, Gillian was 
already asleep.  B’Elanna slid under the covers next to her little 
daughter.  She lay on her back and stared at the ceiling as she listened 
to Gillian’s even breathing.  she could still feel her anger at Tom 
burning inside of her.  She really had thought that he loved her, but he 
had certainly proved that she had been wrong, hadn’t he?  She still had 
a small flame of home inside her that everything would work out and he 
would come back to her and they would raise Gillian together, but it 
seemed as though with every day that flame seemed to grow smaller until 
at last it would go out. 
=/\==/\==/\==/\= 
 Tom Paris slept fitfully that night.  He couldn’t get B’Elanna out of 
his mind.  Again.  Tom finally got up and threw on a pair of jeans and a 
windbreaker over his tee-shirt ad boxers and left his temporary 
apartment.  The night was calm.  The muffled sounds of San Francisco 
reached Tom.  He walked for over an hour just thinking.  He didn’t know 
what to do.  Today had just shown him that his love for B’Elanna was 
true.  Now he just needed to figure out how to let her know that he 
really did still love her. 
=/\==/\==/\==/\= 
 B’Elanna was awakened by a knock on her door.  She sleepily threw the 
covers back and padded out of the bedroom and into the living room.  She 
straightened her pajamas and ran a hand through her hair.  “Who is it?” 
she called out wearily. 
 “Uh . . . it’s Tom.  I really need to talk to you. . . .”  Tom heard 
her sigh.  “Please, B’Elanna, this will only take a minute, and then if 
you still want me to leave I’ll leave and we won’t ever have to talk to 
each other again.” 
 Finally, he heard her unlock the door and she opened it slightly. 
B'Elanna's face was in the shadows and he couldn’t read her expression. 
“Fine.  Let me grab a coat.”  She disappeared back inside the apartment 
for a minute and then reappeared with a coat pulled over her pajamas. 
“Gillian’s asleep.  If we talked in there we’d wake her up,” she 
explained.  Tom nodded.  “So, what’s so urgent?” 
 Tom noticed the icy edge to her words, but he was here and it was 
either now or never.  Tom took a deep breath.  “B’Elanna . . . I’m 
sorry.”  He saw the shock register on her face.  “It sounds so 
inadequate, but I don’t know what else to say.  I’m sorry for jumping to 
conclusions about your . . . fiancee.   I’m sorry about leaving you,” 
Tom’s voice faltered a little. “I’m sorry for letting you down, 
B’Elanna.  I hate myself for it.  I don’t deserve you.  After tonight, 
I’ll leave and you’ll never have to see me again. B’Elanna, find someone 
who you can love, and who won’t let you down, like I have.”    Tom got 
up and turned to go, but B’Elanna’s hand clasped his arm.  “Tom, you can 
not just leave like that.  Maybe I was overreacting when I said I never 
wanted to speak to you again, but I was angry. I’m still angry, Tom. 
But that doesn’t mean that you can just walk out of here without a 
second glance.” 
 Tom looked at B’Elanna incredulously.  “I thought that’s what you 
wanted me to do.” 
 B’Elanna’s released Tom’s arm.  She laced her arms protectively across 
her chest.  “I-I don’t know what I want,” she said so softly that Tom 
almost didn’t hear her.  “You make me so mad, Paris.  You walk out on me 
for no good reason, you don’t have any contact with me for four years, 
then you expect to walk back into my life and just pick up the pieces 
and start up right where we left off!  I’m sorry, Tom, that’s just not 
going to happen.  But I can’t let you just take off again.  It’s not 
fair to *our* daughter.  She needs a father, Tom.  A real father.  At 
this point, you are not that father, Chakotay is.”  B’Elanna let one of 
her arms drop to her side.  “It’s not fair to Gillian, Tom.  She 
deserves to have a better father than she’s having right now.”  B’Elanna 
paused as though she was out of breath. 
 “I know, B’Elanna, I know,”  Tom said softly. 
 At the look of despair on his face, B’Elanna felt something flutter in 
her chest that she hadn’t felt for a long time.  Before she could think 
rationally about what she was doing, B’Elanna brushed a stray strand of 
Tom’s hair back into place.  Tom looked up at her, and their eyes 
locked.  B’Elanna couldn’t move.  She could feel her heart beating 
wildly and her pulse racing.  ^No, what’s happening to me!  Just a 
second ago I was so mad at him. . .^ 
 Tom couldn’t tear his eyes from B’Elanna’s.  The moment seemed to 
stretch on forever; a perfect moment in time.  Until, suddenly, it was 
broken.  B’Elanna lowered her hand stepped away from him.  She cleared 
her throat, and Tom's shoulders sagged. 
 “Goodbye.”  Tom took one last look at B’Elanna, and then he walked 
away. 
=/\==/\==/\==/\= 
 B’Elanna stood and watched Tom leave.  A part of her said Good 
riddance!  Get out of here!  But another part said, I’m letting myself 
lose him again!  She stood out in the cold long after he had left.  Then 
she turned and walked back into her apartment building.  She slowly 
climbed the stairs and let herself back into her apartment.  B’Elanna 
numbly sat down on the couch and then she began to silently cry. 
=/\==/\==/\==/\= 
 Cameron stared at Tom in disbelief.  “You and B’Elanna used to date, 
and she is raising your daughter?” 
 “Yeah.  Cameron, I know that this is coming as a big surprise, but I 
didn’t even know about Gillian until a few days ago. . . .” 
 “Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Cameron asked angrily. 
 “I didn’t know that B’Elanna and I even had a daughter.  I was trying 
to forget her, Cameron, but now that I’ve met her again and I know the 
truth, I can’t ignore it anymore.  We had a misunderstanding and we 
split up.  I don’t think it’s fair of me 
to. . .” 
 “Fair of you, Tom!  What isn’t fair is that you asked me to marry you!” 
 “Cameron, it’ll be better if we don’t get married. Believe me. 
Wouldn’t you rather have this happen now rather than five years down the 
road?” 
 Cameron had started to cry.  “So you actually love this half Klingon 
woman, and you weren’t going to marry me because you loved me?  You were 
going to marry me just because?” 
 “No, Cameron, I. . . .” 
 “Look, it doesn’t matter anymore, Tom.  I should have known that we 
wouldn’t work out from the start.  Maybe you’re right, that it’s better 
this way, but it sure doesn't feel like it!” 
 “Cameron, it’s better if we break the engagement now.” 
 “Fine.  Engagement broken.”  Cameron stormed out of his apartment.  She 
had every right to mad at him, Tom knew.  But he really hadn’t wanted to 
hurt her . . .   when he had asked her to marry him, he had thought he 
loved her.  It wasn’t true love.  He hadn’t really loved her with the 
kind of love that made him want to spend the rest of his life with her. 
Even though Tom knew that he couldn’t have B’Elanna, he also knew that 
he couldn’t marry Cameron. She had been a sort of side diversion to help 
him so that he wouldn’t miss B’Elanna as much.  Tom sighed.  This whole 
love thing was so confusing! 
=/\==/\==/\==/\= 
 B’Elanna Torres knocked three times on the door to Tom’s apartment 
before anyone answered.  Finally, the door was opened slightly and Tom 
peeked out.  When he saw that it was her he opened it wider.  “B’Elanna. 
I . . . uh . . . I wasn’t expecting you.  Would you like to come in?” 
 “Actually, do you think we could go for a walk?” B’Elanna asked. 
 “Sure.  Lemme grab a jacket and get some shoes on. . . .”  Tom’s voice 
trailed off as he disappeared into his apartment.  Two minutes later, he 
and B’Elanna were walking down the street.  The morning sun was warm on 
their backs.  Tom glanced over at B’Elanna occasionally, trying to read 
her expression.  He decided that it was probably best to keep silent 
until she was reading to talk. 
 “Tom,” she finally started, “do you remember how you once told me, ‘if 
we give up now, they win?’ ”  Tom nodded.  “Well, I’ve been thinking a 
lot about that.  And 
Tom . . . truth be told, I don’t want to lose you again.”  B’Elanna 
paused as she gathered her thoughts.  “I think that you’ve made some 
mistakes in your life, but that’s what forgiveness is for, right?” 
 Tom turned to face B’Elanna.  He searched her face.  “Are you saying. . 
. .” 
 “I’m saying that I forgive you, Tom, for everything.”  Tom stared at 
her in open-mouthed shock.  This was not what he had been expecting. 
“Yeah, you still get under my skin and make me very mad, Tom, but . . . 
do you think we could try again?  For Gillian’s sake . . . and for 
mine?” 
 A grin slowly spread across Tom’s face.  Tom swept B’Elanna up into a 
tight hug.  He spun her around and for the first time in over four years 
he heard her rich, beautiful laughter.  When he set her down, they 
looked at each other for a moment, and then they kissed hesitantly.  The 
kiss deepened, and B’Elanna couldn’t keep the expression of delight off 
her face. 
 “I love you, B’Elanna Torres.”  Tom whispered in her ear. 
 “I love you.  I’ve always loved you.” she said simply. 
 They stayed that way, with their arms around each other, for a short 
eternity. 
 “All I’ve ever wanted was the feeling I had with you.”  Tom whispered. 
  “Are you ready to go home, Tom?”  B’Elanna asked warmly. 
 Tom pulled back a little bit from B’Elanna’s embrace so that he could 
look into her eyes.  “I already am home.” 
=/\==/\==/\==/\= 

Author’s notes:  This was my first series, and it was an experience. 
Thanks to everyone who wrote to me about it, part 4 finally did happen! 
Sarah has been a life saver with her input, critiquing, and P/T zeal. 
This story would have been a lot worse if she hadn’t been a part of the 
process.  Thanks again so much, Sarah.  I welcome, love, and will reply 
to all feedback -- good and bad as long as the criticism is constructive 
-- at dana_lynn_tighe@hotmail.com