[posted 12/21/97] Reflections By: Amy Michelle Bitter (c)1997 Disclaimer: ‘Star Trek: Voyager’ and it’s characters are owned by the almighty Paramount, Inc. Everything else is mine! (Take that almighty Paramount!) All song lyrics used are owned by the individual who composed them. Notes: This isn’t exactly a story. It’s more like a summary of what has happened in the P/T relationship told from Tom and B’Elanna’s points of view. ************** “Show me love, show me life, Baby, show me what it’s all about You’re the one that I have needed Show me love and what it’s all about...” -Robyn, ‘Show Me Love’ ************** If someone who have told me three years ago that today I would be madly in love with Tom Paris, I would have laughed in their face! I thought Tom was a arrogant, self-absorbed, pig! And, that was putting it mildly. There was a time in my life when I thought that I would never love anyone ever again. There was a time in my life when I felt that no one could ever love me. I felt alone, unwanted, and unloved. That was my childhood. I wanted to escape that existence so badly that I joined the academy. That wasn’t for me either. I left before I finished my second year. That’s when I met Chakotay and joined the Maquis. Even though for the first time in my life I felt as though I had a family, something was still missing. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Mama never loved her much, And Daddy never keeps in touch, That’s why she shies away from human affection. But, somewhere in a private place, She packs her bags for outer space, Now she waiting for the right kind of pilot to come...” -Savage Garden, ‘To The Moon & Back’ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ When we found ourselves stranded in the Delta Quadrant, many members of the crew were devastated. At first I was mad at Captain Janeway for getting us all stuck here, but as time went on, I stopped being angry and realized I really didn’t even care. I felt indifferent. I had nothing to go back to the Alpha Quadrant for. I began to make friends among the crew. Harry was one of the first friends that I made because we were both in the Ocampan hospital together. I could never understand why Harry was friends with Tom. I still thought of Tom as a womanizing mercenary. I once heard Chakotay say that Tom would fight for anyone who was willing to pay his bar bills. Then came the incident with the Vidiians. I was split into two people; one human, one Klingon. Tom helped me through that. I told him things that I had never told anyone and he didn’t laugh or make fun of me. He listened and he seemed to care. I started to see him in a different way. I started to see him as a friend. He proved his friendship to me on countless occasions. While we were trapped in the caves on the Shakari planet, he admitted that he felt more than just friendship for me. Even though I had the pon farr and it would have been so easy for him to take advantage of me, he didn’t. When we found my condition was life threatening, he was willing to help me. Again, I found myself looking at Tom in a different way. I started to respect and care for him. Tom wanted to take our relationship further, I wasn’t ready for that. He even said he wanted to see more of my Klingon side. I told him to be careful what he wished for. Tom didn’t care about my past or about the fact I was half-Klingon. He wanted me for me. As time passed and Tom and I spent more time together, once again, I found myself looking at him in a different way. I started to love him. And, that scared me. I did everything I could to push him away. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “I want to push you around, I will, I will I want to push you down, I will, I will...” -Matchbox 20, ‘Push’ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Then came the Day of Honor. It had started out as the worst day of my life. Tom and I had designed a holodeck program together in order for me to celebrate the Day of Honor. I decided the whole thing was stupid, and once again turned my back on my past. Tom pushed me to accept myself. He told me it was part of who I was. I just pushed him away again. Later that day, I found myself facing death. Floating in space with Tom in environmental suits and running out of oxygen, I finally realized what a coward I was. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “I really feel That I’m losing my best friend I can’t believe this could be The end...” -No Doubt, ‘Don’t Speak’ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I gathered up all my courage and finally told Tom what I should have said long ago. I told him I loved him. He didn’t respond except to question why it took me so long to tell him. We avoided each other for a few days before we finally talked about what had happened. I again tried to push him away by telling him he didn’t have to reciprocate and he could just pretend I had never said that I loved him even though I meant it. He silenced me with a kiss which was his was of telling me that he loved me, too. We tried to keep our relationship a secret, but we didn’t do too good of a job. Everyone knows now and seems to be happy for us. I don’t need others to be happy for me. I’m happy for myself. For the first time in my life, I’m happy. We’re both happy. ************** For most of my life, I felt as though the name Tom Paris was synonymous with loser or screw-up. Let’s face it, my life was a mess. That was, before I joined the crew of Voyager. And, before I met B’Elanna. Ever since I was a kid, I felt like I could never do anything right. It was usually my father, the great Admiral Owen Paris, who made me feel that way. I knew from an early age that I wanted to be a Starfleet pilot. I wasn’t sure if I was doing to please my father or not. But, one thing was for sure, I was-- and still am one hell of a pilot. Then came Cladik Prime. I caused the death of my colleagues. Instead of telling the truth, I lied. I falsified reports to cover up my mistakes because I didn’t want to let anyone down. I got off free, but my conscious got the better of me and I confessed. I was ushered out of Starfleet and became pretty much a wanderer. Sort of a rebel without a cause. My life was a mess, but I didn’t care. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Help me, I broke apart my insides Help me, I’ve got no soul to sell Help me, the only thing that works for me Help me get away from myself...” -Nine Inch Nails, ‘Closer’ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I joined the Maquis, mostly because I wanted some place to fit in. I gained a reputation in the Maquis. Everyone knew about Caldik Prime. They all knew I was the son of an admiral. I was considered a mercenary by many. And, of course, I was a womanizer. I cared about no one but myself. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Is love really the tragedy the way you might describe? Or would a thousand lovers still leave you cold inside?” -Savage Garden, ‘Tears of Pearls’ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Then, it happened. I screwed up again. On my first mission for the Maquis, I was caught. I was sent to prison in New Zealand where I stayed until one day I had a visitor; Captain Kathryn Janeway. I never knew that by agreeing to help her, I would be getting a second chance at life. When Voyager was lost in the Delta Quadrant, I wasn’t sad like everyone else. In fact, I was happy. I would finally get a chance to start over with my life. However, starting over wasn’t as easy as I thought is would be. Some people were able to see past what I had done. People like Harry and Captain Janeway were willing to accept that I was willing to change. Others still saw me as the womanizing pig that I once was. One in particular was B’Elanna Torres. I wanted so much to prove to her that what everyone said about me was wrong. By trying to do that, I began to care about her. I soon found out that B’Elanna and I had a lot in common. More than she was willing to admit. I wanted even more to be her friend then. In the process of becoming her friend, I began to feel more for her. She, too, learned that I was someone she could trust. I once admitted to her that I felt more than just friendship for her, but she wasn’t willing to accept that. She pushed me away. B’Elanna, like me, was deathly afraid of being hurt. I confronted her many times about her pushing me away. Her response was always the same, if I found it so hard to be her friend, then just leave her alone. I tried, but I just couldn’t. I care for her too much. In fact, I loved her. But, it seemed impossible that she would ever feel the same way about me. I had finally come to terms with my past. I realized that we all have a past. What’s important is how we live now. Too bad B’Elanna couldn’t see that. She’d learned to accept my past, but she still hadn’t accepted her own. B’Elanna had been running from her past for so long, she didn’t realize it was part of who she was. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Every little thing that you have said and done, Feels like it's deep within me Doesn't really matter if you're on the run, It seems like we're meant to be” -Backstreet Boys, ‘As Long As You Love Me’ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I tried to make her see that. I even helped her design a program to help her celebrate the Klingon Day of Honor. That day was a big turning point for B’Elanna and I. Once again, she pushed me away and for a short time I was willing to just give up on her. Then, we found ourselves on the brink of death. I couldn’t die without finding out how she felt about me. I asked her if she thought I had changed since I met her. She admitted that I had changed, but then tried to push me away once more. Then, she finally gave in and told me how she really felt. As our oxygen ran out, she told me she loved me. I found myself in shock. In my heart, I wanted to believe that she did love me. But, something in the back of my head told me it was the oxygen deprivation talking. After avoiding each other for a few days, I finally approached her and told her that I knew she didn’t mean it. She insisted that she did mean it, but assured me that I didn’t have to feel the same way. There she goes, trying to push me away again. But, this time, I wouldn’t let her. I kissed her letting her know that I felt the same way. Our relationship moved on from there. Now everyone pretty much knows how we feel about each other. But, what’s more important is that I know that B’Elanna and I are happy. We both have new lives now. Lives with each other. ************** I’ll be your dream, I’ll be your wish, I’ll be your fantasy, I’ll be your hope, I’ll be your love Be everything that you need I’ll love you more with every breath Truly, madly, deeply do I will be strong, I will be faithful Cause I’m counting on A new beginning, A reason for living, A deeper meaning....” -Savage Garden, ‘Truly, Madly, Deeply’ ************* That’s it! Questions, comments? Send them to me at amyb@i1.net. :o)