Dear people who aren't editors of obscure newspapers that wish they were more than just kind of a tabloid,

I imagine you've all heard about the President's proposed tax cut. I asked if he'd give me and my two friends a preview of how it would work, because none of us are very intelligent. He finally relented, saying that he would simulate the tax break we'd get. That's mighty charitable of him, I thought.

I received my simulated tax cut today. I'm a middle-class man myself, making about $100,000 a year. I received a fake check for - get ready for this - exactly 15 cents this morning! Amazing! I pondered to myself (I just learned the word "ponder" yesterday), "Gee, when my real tax cut comes, should I cash it, or should I just frame it on the wall as a living commeration to Mr. G. Generous Bush?" ("Generous" is, I hear, his middle name).

My friend Bill Smith lives a couple of blocks away in a neighborhood called "Hills of Green". He has a 25 room house with a pool out back and a butler and maid. His kids each have their own computer, TV, and videophone. He also received his simulated tax cut today. He told me that, based on this simulated tax cut, he'll buy a Mercedes Benz, a BMW, and a Ferrarri with his real tax cut and he'll put the extra $10,000 in the bank.

My friend Bill Frank Edward Lexington XVII lives in a carboard box uptown. He's not too bad off though (he somehow managed to pay $3,000 in taxes last year). Old B.F.E.L. XVII also got his simulated tax cut today. It was a piece of lint with a note that said, "If you contribute to the government, you get the benefits, slacker! Straighten up and fly right you not very patriotic bum! Get off the streets and do some work!"

THIS WHOLE THING IS A CONSPIRACY! A CONSPIRACY I TELL YOU! BILL SMITH, THE RICH FRAT BOY GETS TENS OF THOUSANDS, AND THE REST OF US GET NEXT TO NOTHING! HECK, OLD BILL LEXINGTON GOT A MEAN NOTE, TOO! WHERE WILL IT END?!!!

Ahem. As you can see, this appears to be only the tip of the iceberg. Did you hear about his environment and energy plan?...

-Editor Edgar J. Loudmouth P.P.C.F. (Professional Pessimist and Conspiracy Freak)

Note: None of these events are real in any manner. This document is simply a diversion and is in no way meant to be factual, offending, or anything else other than humorous.