Rating: PG for violence Summary: Shakespeare simplified Category: Theatre humor
Disclaimer: Shakespeare wrote "Julius Cæsar." Julius Cæsar was a Roman emperor and presumably belonged to himself, at least until Shakespeare got his hands on him. I got the idea for doing these from Zeke's Five Minute Voyager website. But i wrote the story.
Ah, yes! #3! Thank you so much to all those friends and authors who've kept after me to write more: Rug, Megan, Tobin Mitchell (who reminded me that I should do this play), Blue Lightnin', susie (I did NOT end with one of your lines!), Adia SB, Capt. Janeway, and everybody who reviewed my last two! Wow, THANK YOU! =D Oh, and Spastic HSJ, I think you'll be able to appreciate a good bit of this . . . I think you know why.
Oh, and I honestly think I made Brutus so stupid in this retelling is because my tenth grade English teacher seemed so enamoured of his philosophies when we studied it in class.
The Condensed Version of Julius Caesar
by Sicily
Marullus: Grr, I'm so mad at Caesar . . . Bad Caesar! Caesar killed Pompey! Flavius: C'mon, let's go do some Ancient Roman graffiti.
Soothsayer: Beware the ides of March! Cæsar: No.
Cassius: Brutus, what's wrong? Brutus: Grr. Cassius: Brutus, you're so wonderful! Don't be mad!
[People: YAY! YAY #2! YAY #3!] Brutus: Grr, I bet they're making Cæsar king. Cassius: So, um, you don't want Cæsar to be king, hm? Brutus: Me no like kings. Cassius: Right, gotcha, bye now. MWAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Casca: It's raining! Wah, I wanna go home! This is scary! Cicero: Wimp. Casca: Maybe so, but I know something you don't know! Cassius: What? Casca: They're gonna make Cæsar king! Cassius: Not if I get there first . . . Casca: Ooo, whatcha gonna do? Cinna: Y'know, if we could get Brutus to help, we could kill -- Cassius: YES, exactly. Give him these letters.
Brutus: Hm. Me like Cæsar. Me no like kings. Should me kill King Cæsar? Hmmmm . . . Lucius: You've Got Mail! Brutus: Hmm, it says Brutus should kill King Cæsar. Hmmm . . . . Lucius: You've Got Visitors! Brutus: Hmm . . . people come who want Brutus to kill King Cæsar . . . hmmm . . .
Cassius: Are you going to help us kill Cæsar? If you don't, he'll be the star of the play and not you. Brutus: Hmm, yes. Me kill King Cæsar. Cassius: Good. Y'know, after we kill him, I think we should cut him up, and mangle him, and eat his entrails, and then maybe we should kill Anthony, and -- Brutus: No, that's too disgusting. Then it would be too much like an X-Files episode.
Portia: Why are you acting so weird? Brutus: Ha! Me know something you don't know! Portia: I'll poke my eyes out if you don't tell me! I'm very smart, you know. Brutus: Me tell you tomorrow.
Calpurnia: I don't think you should go to the Senate today. I had a bad dream. Cæsar: No, I better go. Your bad dream probably meant I'm stronger and braver then you and I should go to the Senate today.
Artemidorus: I'll give this letter to Cæsar . . . it says not to go near the bad guys.
Portia: Go! Lucius: Go where, ma'am? Portia: I can't remember, I'm too ditzy! Um, go see how Brutus is, yes, that sounds good.
Artemidorus: Read my letter, Cæsar, read my letter! Cæsar: If I do that, I won't die heroically, and we won't have a plot.
Brutus: You should be nice to Cimber. Cæsar: Why?
[Everyone stabs Cæsar; Brutus last, mostly because he's so slow he couldn't figure out what they were doing till they were all done] Cæsar: umm, um, shoot, I always have trouble with this line, umm, script, script, umm, ah, yes, "Et tu Brute?" dang, I hate Latin . . . .[dies] Conspirators: Ha ha, we did it, we did it, we did it!!
Servant: Can Anthony come in or will you kill him, too? Brutus: Me already say, me no want this to be the X-Files! Us only kill King Cæsar!
Anthony: Omigods, they killed Cæsar!! WAH!!! Cassius: Anthony, will you be my friend? Anthony: Oh, um, sure! Me wuv you, Cassius, even though you killed my best friend! Brutus: You can make a speech at the funeral if you say we're nice.
Anthony: I swear I didn't mean it, Cæsar! They're not my friends, you are, forever and ever!
Brutus: Me kill King Cæsar because me think kings bad. But you should vote for me in next election! Anthony: Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! No, not that many! Ow! That hurt! STOP THROWING YOUR EARS AT ME!!! Oh, and by the way, Brutus sucks, vote for me. OW!
Cinna: Hi, my name is Cinna, I'm an alcoholic. Citizens: Kill him! He murdered Cæsar! Cinna: No! That wasn't me! THAT WAS A DIFFERENT CINNA! AAAAH!
Anthony: We have to kill him, and him, and him, and him . . .
Brutus: Me wonder if Cassius still likes me . . . Cassius: Let's talk without all the soldiers listening.
Cassius: You don't like me anymore! Brutus: No, you no like me! You didn't give me any money from the bribes you took. Cassius: Ummmm . . . If you keep talking like that I'll kill myself! Brutus: Nooooooooooooo! Don't do that! Me sorry, Cassius!
Cassius: So how's your wife doing? Brutus: She's dead. Cassius: Bummer, dude.
Brutus: Me think us should attack. Cassius: No! We shouldn't! I didn't think of it first, so we shouldn't!
