|
********************************************** Okay, I feel it is my duty to warn you all that this story contains gods. Some of the gods are made up. Some of them are taken from religions that have existed for a long time and still exist today. Some of them have been taken from mythologies from around the world. I have taken names from Hinduism, Greek mythology, Egyptian Mythology, and probably a bunch of other mythologies that I've forgotten to mention. So if you're super-religious and dislike gods being mentioned so casually, I suggest you don't read this. I probably should have thrown in some characters from Christian mythology too, so that people won't think that I'm singling out Hinduism, but I feel that if you think you will be offended by things like that, don't read it. Both you and I will feel a lot better if you do so. Thank you! ********************************************** �Annie, Dahling! You�ll never get Goddess of the Year if you come around looking like that!� Annie cringed and turned around, hoping that she had somehow misplaced the voice and that the speaker was not Aphrodite. Hope, however, was not on her side today and there the love goddess stood, 6 foot 1 in all her glory. It wasn�t that looks mattered to Annie. Quite the opposite, actually. Despite, or maybe because she was the Goddess of Bad Weather, Annie didn�t care what a person looked like so as long as they provided the cheese balls. Aphrodite, however, was the exception. Her looks had really gone downhill after that whole Trojan War business that happened a few years back. Today, she was wearing a Pepto Bismal pink jumpsuit with black polka-dots, white platforms, and had her hair up in a red beehive that temporarily blocked out the sun. It wasn�t her clothes, either, that bothered Annie that much. It was just her. Annie forced herself to put on a cheerful grin. �Oh. Hi, Aphrodite. Um. I like your...um...� She paused, her mind completely blank as to how she could finish that statement. Truthfully, Annie thought that Aphrodite looked like a drag queen, but Annie didn�t have the heart to say it. Aphrodite ignored the uncomfortable silence and smiled her �I�m a Crest kid� teeth at Annie. �Sweety, there�s got to be something that we can do about your outfit today! You�ll never get a good man wearing that! Let me see...� Aphrodite began digging around in her purse, a bulking Goliath of a thing made of red leather. Triumphantly, she pulled out a tiny tea bag and handed it to Annie. Annie looked at the tea bag, then looked at Aphrodite. �Hey! Is this that new perfume that they were advertising on TV the other day? What�s it called...Mary Wanna?� The love goddess zipped her purse and looked at Annie. �Sweetheart, first of all perfume is generally a liquid, unless you count those dreadful solid colognes that they�re selling which smell like the time my cat when bulimic. And this is not perfume. Second of all, marijuana is a drug and is not generally found in tea bags.� She reached over and plucked the tea bag from Annie�s hand with her bright pink fingernails. �This, darling, is the thing that will make any man fall desperately in love with you.� Aphrodite leaned down and gave Annie an exaggerated wink. �Including that cute hunk-a-god Andy.� She smiled and held up the tea bag proudly, like a mother would her gifted child. �Annie, this is my very own concoction, my special tea I call Lewd Fluid.� Annie scratched her head. �But I don�t like tea! I like kool ade, and pomegranates, and the color periwinkle. Oh! And have you ever met Andy? He�s nice!� Aphrodite sighed. She did like Annie, she really did. The girl had potential. However, this constant childishness was very distracting. Not to mention, unsexy. �I already know about Andy, Annie. And if you ever want to have little baby lightning bolts, I�d suggest you go home and brew this tea. The moment you drink it, the first man who sees you will fall desperately in love with you. But be careful, sweety. Make certain that you only leave the tea bag in the hot water for about 30 seconds. Anything stronger would have disastrous results.� She gave the tea bag back to Annie, who stuck it in her pocket. �Now, don�t forget about what I told you, Annie.� She warned. Annie smiled innocently up at her. �Forget what?� But Aphrodite had already turned away, yelling, �Oh Durga! Honey, I have the perfect pants to match your tiger...� As Annie watched her strut away to where Durga was standing, she smiled and decided that where she was presently was boring, so somewhere else would probably be more amusing. The realm of the gods was a generally exciting place to be, so undoubtedly she�d find something to do. The realm was where every god ever worshipped on earth stayed when not receiving praise or cursing a wayward mortal or something. Annie hadn�t been worshipped in about 3,000 years, but that was okay because she didn�t really care about that, anyways. She liked doing her job without having to make sure not to send a tornado to a certain town because they had killed a goat for her. Creating bad weather was just too fun a job to have to double check everything. Annie began to wander about the sky, flying here and there with her green wings glinting in the sunlight. Oh, how she loved to fly! There was something just so magical and mysterious about it. She put the tea bag into her pocket between the octopus-on-a-stick and the month old french bread. Annie was about to forget about the tea bag when suddenly she noticed an unusual smell. It was exactly the same scent that you smell when a thunderstorm is about to strike. Annie gave a brilliant smile and turned around, trying desperately to cool the blush forming on her cheeks. �Hi Andy!� Andy, God of Natural Disasters, flew down gracefully and smiled back, blushing a bit. �Hi, Annie. You�re looking really pretty today.� His face reminded Annie of the time she dropped her stuffed monkey into a bowl of ketchup. Annie loved ketchup. �Thanks! How are you? Today, not yesterday.� Annie said, immediately wanting to slap herself. She didn�t mean to be that confusing, but she couldn�t help it. Rumor had it that she had created such a strong tornado when she was a baby that it blew her head first into mount Washington. Annie had no memory of anything like that happening at the time, but who really knew? Andy, however, understood what she was saying. �I�m fine. I�ve been working on a hail storm all day, though. I�m pretty tired.� How perfect! She could drink the tea and make Andy totally fall in love with her. Annie began fly quick circles in the air, until she realized that Andy didn�t know what she was so happy about. �Oh. Are you thirsty? I have a drink. If you�re thirsty. So do you want to come to my house? If you�re thirsty. I mean...um.� She stopped and looked down at her hands. The tips of her fingers were still covered in paint from this morning, when she attempted to make a rainbow. Quickly, she put her hands behind her back, hoping Andy wouldn�t see. He didn�t. Instead, he smiled at her and told her that he would love to. Annie�s heart thrilled. �Come on!� She shouted and flew off towards her house, Andy close behind her. It only took a second for them to reach their destination, but Annie was grinning ear to ear by the time she stepped onto the rickety old porch, scattering a dozen or so cats. �Make yourself at home, Andy!� She called from the kitchen. The darn teapot had to be in here somewhere. She pulled out a half-eaten apple from the snout of a stuffed pig (she could have sworn it had been alive a couple days ago!) and set it aside. This was almost as bad as her room. Not quite as bad, though, because Annie could still walk across the floor without tripping. There it was! Annie smiled and reached behind the dripping pipes underneath her sink, frowning a bit when a cockroach ran over her hand. She�d thought one had escaped her cockroach farm! Trying to avoid any other scuttling creatures, she drew out the teapot. Odd...last time the pot wasn�t nearly this green or furry.... Annie shrugged and rinsed the fungus off as best she could. A little bit of green fur was still on it, though, and refused to come off. Annie was scrubbing it with a toothbrush when Andy came in. �Hey, Annie.� He said and sat down at her kitchen table, which she had tried to paint blue last summer, except that she had forgotten to take the stuff off of the table when she�d painted it so there were bare spots at random places. Annie smiled at him. �Hi.� She said and filled the pot with water, giving up on remain fungus. She placed it on the stove to warm up, than sat down to talk to Andy... ...Except Annie didn�t have the slightest clue as to what to say. �So. Um. Well.� She started, looking around the room for inspiration. There was the igloo she kept in the corner from her visit to Alaska last winter, and to the right of that was the dodo that she kept as a pet. She�d named him Herman. And to the right of the bird was a giant fingernail that she�d found when Aphrodite had dragged her to the Gods of Beauty hair and nail salon. Finally after a full minute and seven seconds of embarrassing silence, she found the perfect subject! �So, do you like my sofa?� Annie gambled, praying the lumpy piece of furniture would do as a topic. Andy looked perplexed. �Where is it?� �Oh, it�s over there underneath my taxidermy collection.� She pointed him towards the general direction. Darn my house for being such a mess, Annie thought. She glared at her kitchen/living room as if it had become so messy on purpose, barely noticing when Andy began picking up the stuffed creatures and stacking them on the table. �What are you doing?� She asked him. She started to get up when the tea kettle began to shriek. Digging in her pocket, she pulled out the tea bag and plopped it into the kettle before she ran over to where Andy was working and began to help. As Annie piled one of her favorite stuffed dinosaurs, the Rhinosaurus, onto Andy�s shoulders she glanced at the clock. Oh no! An entire hour had passed since she�d put the teabag in! �Oh, Humbug!� She cried and ran into the kitchen, leaving poor Andy to struggle under the weight of 6 stuffed prehistoric birds, 9 dead chipmunks, and one horned dinosaur. The tea smelled surprisingly of raspberries and azaleas, with a subtle scent underneath that Annie couldn�t quite place. �Hey Andy!� She yelled, pouring the tea into a coffee mug that had �I heart Pittsburgh� written on the side. �You want a drink?� Andy�s muffled reply came from somewhere underneath the mountain of stuffed creatures, which Annie assumed to be a �yes�. �Is a coke okay?� She yelled, watching in awe as the steam coming up from the tea formed a heart with an arrow through it before it disappeared. �Sure!� Andy said, walking casually into the room. He had set the pile of stuffed animals back onto the couch. Andy took the offered drink and smiled at her, making Annie feel as if the butterflies in her stomach had developed jet engines on the back of their wings. Annie smiled shyly back at him and took a sip of the tea. �Eww!� She cried and ran to the sink to spit out the mouthful she had taken. The tea had tasted like mold! Maybe she hadn�t washed that kettle out as well as she should have. Annie didn�t like the taste of most outdoor plants, although dead oak leaves did have the most peculiar taste! After thoroughly rinsing her mouth out with tap water, she turned around to talk to Andy. �Sorry about...tha...� She trailed off. Andy, it seemed, was trying to make out with the air. �Oh dear...� she murmured, then ran out to find Aphrodite. * * * �Hold up a minute, Darhlin�. Are you telling me that you left the teabag in for an entire _hour_?!� Aphrodite�s nails, now painted a nauseating urine-yellow, tapped worriedly on the armrest of her sun chair. The love goddess was now wearing a red-striped, steel-gray, two piece that did nothing if not make her breasts look like launching missiles. She sat up and looked at Annie, who was desperately trying not to cry but failing miserably. �I�m sorry!� Annie whimpered, looking down at the grass and wringing her hands. Small tears were forming in the corners of her eyes as storm clouds were gathering overhead. �I didn�t mean to! I just got distracted and the Rhino..the Rhino...the Rhino Saurus was too heavy so I kept on having to pick it back up again and by then it was an hour later and I couldn�t make time go backwards so I just had to drink the tea then and I�m sssssooorrrryyyyyyyy!!!!!!!� Aphrodite was up in a flash. By now the rain was pouring down as Annie cried and the Love goddess was getting soaking wet. Poor Annie was going to get dehydrated if she continued crying like that... With a shrug, Aphrodite took Annie�s hand and led her inside of her trailer, of which Zeus once remarked that there wasn�t any need for stars anymore since all one had to do to find ones way was to look by the light of her house. It wasn�t her fault that he hated glittery pink! �Here you go, sweety.� She said, leading the sobbing goddess of Bad Weather to her furry green love seat. �You just calm down while Auntie Aphrodite makes everything better again, okay?� Annie sniffed and nodded, curling underneath the blanket that Aphrodite brought, trying to control her shivers. With a tiny, quivering voice, Annie whispered, �I�m sorry I made it rain all over everything. It does that when I get upset. I�m sorry.� Bringing Annie over some chicken soup in a mug, the love goddess smiled and adjusted her beehive. �That�s all right, dahrlin�. No one minds. Now, you just trust your Auntie Aphrodite and we�ll see what we can do to fix this right up, okay?� �Okay.� Annie whispered and followed Aphrodite to her chariot that had somehow or other been transformed into a Buick when Circe had gone haywire. �What are we going to do?� �I dunno, sweety. First things first, though. We gotta find Andy before he ends up making out with Zeus-knows-what and getting in trouble. You said he looked like he was making out with nothing?� �Yeah!� Annie cried. �He had his mouth open and was wiggling his tongue around and stuff! Like this!� And with that she began to demonstrate for Aphrodite as the beat-up old Buick passed Sati, teaching her suicidal followers how to best kill themselves for their husbands. �Annie! Stop that!� Aphrodite hissed. �You�re embarrassing me in front of the goddesses!� Annie, however, was too intent upon correctly mimicking Andy and didn�t hear the Goddess of Love. As she stuck her tongue out as far as it could go, and then waved to Agni as they passed by, Aphrodite began to turn beet red in embarrassment. �Come on, Annie! Stop it! Come on!� Taking her hands from the steering wheel, she tried to snap Annie back into focus, and was about to succeed when CRASH! The Buick had run into a hot-dog cart. The jolt had snapped Annie out of her attempt at mimicry and she looked around at the hot-dog buns and packages of ketchup scattered onto the windshield. �Woah.� Aphrodite gave out a moan and fell onto the steering wheel, groaning into her hands. �My car. My beautiful Buick! I just had it waxed 2 days ago!� A shadow fell over the window. �Hey!� A voice said. There was a sound of knocking on the glass. �Are you all right in there? You kinda screwed up my hot-dog stand...� Aphrodite opened one eye and glanced up from the steering wheel, then quickly did a double take. �Hermes? Hermes, is that you?!� The man grinned. �One and the same, Aphro! Long time no see!� Aphrodite exited her car, grimacing as she looked at the wreckage. It would take _ages_ to get that fixed... Then, however, she looked at Hermes. �Hermes!� She cried, grinning from ear to multi-pierced ear and sweeping the man into a huge hug. �I haven�t seen you in a millennia! Where the heck have you been? Hera kept saying that you had been eaten by a hydra, but I asked Anubis and he said that he hadn�t seen you so I knew that you had to be alive! Gods of the Dead are reliable like that for accurate information and oh my beautiful car...� As Annie struggled to get out of the Buick, more offended than hurt that Aphrodite hadn�t asked if she was okay, she scrutinized the man who Aphrodite had called Hermes. He was of a medium build with curled yellow hair and a roman nose. He was rather thin and meek-looking, especially with Aphrodite next to him. He wore winged sandals, but from the way they looked, Annie guessed that the feathers had been clipped. She skipped towards him. �Hi! My names Annie! What�s your name, Hermes?� She asked, smiling brightly. Aphrodite stood up straighter, looking more than a little peeved that her car had been smashed. She glanced over at Hermes, who was examining Annie with interest. �You don�t have to answer that, Herm.� He grinned at Aphrodite and walked over to where Annie was standing. Even though Hermes wasn�t exactly tall, he still was at least a head taller than Annie, including her wings. He wore a white tunic that had more than a few mustard stains on it, and, by the look of it, a few relish stains, also. He took her hand and shook it. Although he didn�t have that strong of a handshake, his hands were callused from labor performed long ago. �A pleasure to meet you, Annie and to see you again, Aphrodite. To what do I owe this unexpected visit, ladies?� His face held the weathered continence of a Victorian gentlemen, but his eyes still gleamed with a trickster�s light. �Oh!� cried Annie, �I like you! And I like hot-dogs, too! Especially the daschounds when they jump up and lick your face!� Annie began to laugh, a childish, delightful sound that made Aphrodite loose some of the great frown that had developed on her face. She patted Annie on the head. �That�s regular dogs, sugar. Hermes sells a combination of ground kidney, stomach and sheep heart, plastic, and wheat chaff mashed inside of an intestine called hot-dogs. Yummy things, if I do say so myself. Had a couple of them last week when I went window shopping down in the mortal world.� Hermes grinned unabashedly, �At least you like them. I was going out of business, anyways. Manatou�s Ambrosia House has been attracting all the customers since he came out with that new strawberry flavored Ambrosia.� Aphrodite raised an eyebrow. �Nothing like artificial sweetener to attract the masses, huh?� Hermes chuckled. �But why were you driving so fast, Aphro? What unexpected mishap could have occurred to two such beautiful ladies?� �Well...� Aphrodite began but Annie interrupted her, jumping up and down. �Andy�s in trouble and I didn�t want him to kiss the air but I had the tea and everything and the mold wouldn�t come off the kettle even after I said pretty please and tried to brush it and then I left it in too long and I�m sorry!� Annie burst into tears again and rain began to pour down onto the trio. This seemed to upset Annie even more so, because soon after lightning began flash and thunder rolled in the sky. Aphrodite turned to Hermes and yelled something, but neither Hermes nor Annie could understand what she said. Since Annie couldn�t hear anything over her sobs, she calmed down a minute and the storm subsided into a light rain. �That�s better!� said Aphrodite, wringing out her wilted beehive hairdo. �You know, I bet the entire celestial plain will be sending you strong worded letters concerning the sudden changes in weather.� �Sorry.� A flower appeared in Hermes� hand and he gave it to Annie, who accepted it gingerly. �Don�t lose this.� He warned gravely, then ruined the effect by winking. Annie looked at the flower. It was very pretty, with blue petals that looked like hearts with a black center. When Annie sniffed it, the scent it gave off made her feel very sleepy. �The flower isn�t orange.� She said, proud that her statement was both true and profound until she realized that it didn�t make any sense. Hermes knelt down next to Annie and made her look at him in the eyes. �Now, listen to me, Annie. That flower there was grown by Discord herself and I had a Tartarus of a time getting a bunch of them a couple eons back. That flower is very rare and very special. Whenever someone under a spell smells it, they�re immediately cured. Do you know why I gave it to you?� Annie frowned and looked up at the sky, pondering. �Um...because it�s pretty?� Hermes shook his head and sighed. �Come on.� He said to the two goddesses. �Lets take my chariot back to Annie�s house, okay?� Aphrodite nodded and grabbed Annie�s arm. Together they followed Hermes, hoping that this time they wouldn�t crash. * * * By the time they reached Annie�s house Andy had already progressed to the front pouch. His mouth was wide open and his tongue was sticking out, as if he were making out with nothing. �Holy Zeus...� Hermes swore under his breath. �This looks bad.� Aphrodite stomped across Annie�s front yard and was inspecting Andy closely. She stood there for a few minutes, making �hmmmm� noises under her breath and occasionally muttering �I see�. Annie stood hopping from one foot to the other, looking worriedly at Andy. Finally, Annie couldn�t take the pressure anymore. �Can you do anything?� She cried in distress, jumping up and down in impatience. Aphrodite glanced at her and smiled. �You�re in luck, honey-buns. I know what went wrong with the spell.� Aphrodite paused for a moment to add to the effect. Being a love goddess for so many years had made her grow to adore getting attention. She waited until it looked like they would yell something, then said, �You brewed the tea too long. It made the spell superstrong so that the first thing Andy saw wasn�t Annie, but the air molecules directly in front of him. So he literally is trying to make out with the air itself.� �Oh wow...� Annie breathed. Hermes was still staring at Andy in fascination, but seemed to snap out of it when Aphrodite walked in front of him and frown deeply with her hands on her immense hips. �Annie, do you still have that flower I gave you?� Hermes asked. �Yeah.� Annie replied with a happy smile. �I did just that! I kept it in my pocket and everything.� �Give it here.� Annie nodded and began to look for the flower. It took her a minute to dig it out of her pocket, in the process of which she discovered where all her earthworms had gone, much to Aphrodite�s disgust. Annie gave him the flower. Hermes took the flower and placed it under Andy�s nose. Annie held her breath. The God of Natural Disasters blinked and stood up straight, looking puzzled. Then he grinned and Annie felt her heart flutter a bit, like a dove stuck in a wad of bubblegum. �Oh, hey Aphrodite, Hermes. What are you guys doing here?� Before either god had time to answer, Annie was running up the steps onto the front porch. �Andy!� She cried and jumped on him, enveloping him into a huge hug. Aphrodite smiled at the two. Annie could be a little annoying, that was true. However, there was something that was just so likable about the little goddess. �Come on, Hermes. Let�s go get a hot-dog.� Hermes chuckled. �Gee, haven�t had any of those in a while.� Aphrodite grinned at him and grabbed his arm, heading back towards the chariot and, simultaniously, giving Annie a chance to spend time alone with Andy. She wasn�t the Goddess of Love for nothing. �Hey! Annie, what happened? I can�t remember anything that happened today for some reason. Everything�s all foggy.� said Andy, smothered under Annie�s fond embrace. �Um...� Annie said, struggling for a good lie. �Nah.� She thought and smiled down at Andy. �Can�t start lying to him from the start.� Annie just shook her head and stopped hugging the befuddled god. �Come on!� She said, grabbing Andy�s hand. �You�ve probably never seen my cockroach farm! It�s really cool and dirty! And I taught the little buggies how to line up and spell the word �Doodle�!� She ran into her house, banging the screen door behind her. Andy shook his head and laughed, then walked inside of the rickety old house where the goddess of bad weather was waiting for him. |
