A DUNG'S TALE

(Although this is based on the old radio play format 
it is meant to be staged. I leave the particulars of 
set design to the director)

Characters:

MC...........radio announcer
DR TOES........representative for Dr. Toes foot products
Dad Jimmy

Mom Mickey
Aleasha...........oldest child
Max...........middle child
Tawnee........youngest child


(Station UDDR's theme song)

MC:  Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to this week's 
broadcast of station UDDR's  "Kicked to
the  ditch" series. This morning's saga has dad 
Jimmy ‘Can't Believe the Luck I'm Having’ taking
his adoring...(clears throat) family on a weekend 
car trip to Punchafella State Park.  After this
station break we will begin with this segment 
of our continuing story called  "A DUNG'S
TALE".

(A girl comes out with an "applause" placard. 
Audience applause. MC waves to somebody in the
wings." Come on! Yes, it's time". Man steps 
up to mike.


DR.TOES: 
Are you afraid to be in public 
because of (booming "canned" voice)"FEET REEK"?
It's terribly embarrassing when your friends and 
neighbors turn up their noses because you have
"FEET REEK". No don't shake your heads! You know 
what I mean. You've had it. Yes you
have! It's when that old toe jam has become a 
living presence that demands to be
recognized, "Smell me! Smell me! Smell me!" it says. 
And you do. And so does the entire country.
But the country does not wish to be acquainted with 
your foot smell, and neither do you.
"So what can I do?" you ask. Well I'll tell you.
You just give those feet of yours a thorough
scrubbing and apply a generous coating of 
Doctor Toes 'Rid-a-Reek' foot powder. Yes, sir, Doctor
Toes 'Rid-a Reek" gets rid of that "stink in 
a wink!" Just one application will tell that old 
toe jam that it's not welcome in your part of 
town! So try Doctor Toes' Rid-a-Reek" today!
Available at apothecary shops everywhere!

(Girl with applause card. Applause. Sponsor leaves as 
MC returns to mike)

MC:    Now ladies and Gentlemen lets join Dad Jimmy 
in "A Dung's Tale"

JIMMY: Is everyone settled in? 

MICKEY: Yes dear.

JIMMY:  Then lets go!

TAWNEE:   How long does it take to get to Punchafella
state park? 

MICKEY:   A couple hours I think. Right?

JIMMY:   More like three.

ALEASHA:   Max give me some room!

TAWNEE:   Dad?

JIM:   Yes Tawnee?

TAWNEE:    Are we staying over night in a cabin?

JIMMY:  Yes we are.

TAWNEE:   Yay!

MAX:    I hope there's grizzly bears.

ALEASHA:    There's no grizzly's in the South 
Carolina dummy!

MAX:   I wish there was. I'd get one to eat you!
(makes chomping motions at her.)
No, I take that back. You'd make the bear sick!

ALEASHA:   Ha! Ha! Give me some room! (settles 
into her book for much of the skit)

JIMMY:  Hey look, Mickey! Cows! Want me to stop so 
you can kick a few? You're the queen of the
dairy farm!

MICKEY:   You don't kick cows, Jimmy! You kiss 'em! 
(puckers) UMM! (then laughing)
WHEW! Methane breath!

ALEASHA:  Move your butt over!

JIMMY:  Smell'll knock you right on your butt!

MICKEY:  I love cows! There're my favorite animals. 
On the hoof. Off the hoof. I love them
either way!

TAWNEE:  Dad! I'm hungry!

ALEASHA:  A triple burger with cheese sounds great!

TAWNEE:   They don't hear us. They're talking 
about cows again!

MICKEY:  I prefer them on the hoof though! 
They have that endearing little quality  going for
'em!

JIMMY:   Endearing? Ya, right. They got this 
sixth-sense or something. 

ALEASHA:  Sixth-sense. A cow clairvoyant?

JIM:  It's true! They know when you're around, 
they pick up a scent or something, and they
know if they can get you or not.

ALEASHA:  Get you? Kick you, you mean?

JIM:  Oh, no. Kicking you can avoid. This other 
weapon is far more sinister and undetected!

ALEASHA:  Mom, maybe you shouldn't have let 
Dad out in public today!

JIMMY:  When you enter the barn all's quiet 
except for these contented munching sounds.
Ah, you think, the cows are happy today! 
No problem! Ya, they're happy all right cause they've
picked you out as a target. Only you don't 
suspect it! How could you? You don't see any animosity
in their eyes,  only an unconcerned dumbness. 
What a ruse!

MAX:  Maybe you can get Dad on medication!

MICKEY:  That won't be necessary!

ALEASHA:  I wish we could eat!

TAWNEE:  Hush, Aleasha! This story's better 
than eating!

MAX:  We've heard it hundreds of times.

ALEASHA:  You mean this is real? He's not off in
left field again?

MAX: NO! If you weren't so busy chasing boys 
and reading those dumb love books you'd know!

MICKEY:  How can you accuse cows of deceitfulness? 
They're just playing a game with you!

JIMMY:  Some game. I'm sorry I mentioned cows anyway.

ALEASHA:   (after a pause) Oh, sure. Quit now that 
I'm interested.

JIMMY:  You tell it Mickey. You're the one that thinks 
it's a game 'cause it's never happened to you. 

MICKEY:  They pick their victims wisely. 
It wouldn't do to play with someone that enjoys the
game.

JIMMY: I don't know why you call it a game. 
It's nothing less than war!

ALEASHA:  He's so defensive!

MICKEY:  You really can't appreciate their appeal 
until you've been around them a lot!

JIMMY:  You’re the Dairy Princess not me. Thanks, 
but "meanwhile down on the farm" is not for me!

ALEASHA:  Max! Put your shoes back on! (girls open 
windows)

MICKEY:  (sounds of car speeding up) Do you have 
to chase the cars down the road?(opens
window) 

JIMMY:  I want to be at the head of the line!

MICKEY:  Well you can't be, so quit trying!

JIMMY: (chuckling, then) Why are all the windows open?
(Suddenly he gets the essence of...) DAMN! Max, put your 
shoes on! NOW!

  (Music)

TAWNEE:  What’s that music for? It’s my line next!

MC: We‘re taking a commercial break. Now a 
word from our sponsor!

DR.TOES:   Do your classmates give you dirty 
looks in the locker room or on the school bus?
Does your family hang their heads out of 
the window when they ride with you because of that
certain overpowering fragrance? Now don’t 
sit there acting innocent. You know what that smell
is and so does everyone else around you. 
That’s the undeniable odor of ‘FEET REEK’ and son
don’t be mistaken into thinking it only affects adults.
No sirree! Young men perspire  and
Dr. Toes RID A REEK foot powder will work for you too.
It’s specially formulated so that it is effective on young 
and old alike.

ALEASHA: (jumps out of car and goes to Dr. Toes)
Hey mister? Is that true?

DR.TOES: Young lady, we’re on the air.

ALEASHA: Just tell me yes or no and you can get 
back to your commercial.

DR.TOES: Why yes...We  have a no questions asked 
full money back guarantee on our product!

ALEASHA: Good! Give me that can!(grabs can, runs 
to car, dumps entire contents on Max and
then goes back and hands the empty can to Dr. Toes)
Thank you! (returns to car)

DR.TOES: But...I can’t do this. I’ve lost my place 
(M.C. is waving him to continue)...um...Dr. Toes 
RID-A-WRECK...I mean Dr. Toes WED-A-WEEK...
er WET-A-BEAK...

MC: (pushing Dr. Toes from mike) Now on with our 
saga of Dad Jimmy in A Dung’s Tale!

TAWNEE: (to M.C)Is it my turn now? Ok? Alright. 
Were did we leave off?  Never mind I
Remember… I have to use the bathroom!

JIMMY:  You'll just have to wait awhile.

MICKEY:  But honey, she has to USE the bathroom!

JIMMY:  I can't help it there's no stations around!

ALEASHA:  Use a can!

MAX:  No! Out the window!

TAWNEE:  I can't do that!

MAX:  I can! Want to see? (getting on knees, 
turning towards window)

TAWNEE:  Dad!

ALEASHA:  Max, sit down! (picks up book after 
giving Max a dirty look and starts reading)

JIMMY:   MAX! Don't even think about it!

MAX:  I was only kidding Dad. You know I wouldn't 
do anything like that!

TAWNEE:  How 'bout that time you mooned the 
crossing guard on the way to school? She was
so upset she quit that day and went to work at 
the state hospital.

MAX:  Never could understand her doing that. 
I mean if it upset her so... hospital gowns 
as you know....

TAWNEE: (after tire goes off the shoulder 
of the road) Dad! Stay on the road!

ALEASHA: How do you expect a person to read?  

MAX:   Let mom drive. She's not a maniac like you!

TAWNEE:  Ya! Let mom drive. You never pay attention!

MICKEY:  (sounds of car slowing to a stop)
What are you doing? I'm not ready to drive yet!

JIMMY:  I'm going back to look at that 
historical marker.

TAWNEE:  Dad! I'd like to get to the park 
sometime today!

JIMMY:  (doing a three-point turn) Don't worry 
about it. This'll only take a minute!

MAX:  Hurry Dad! There's a semi coming!

MICKEY:  Watch the ditch!

TAWNEE:  Dad! The truck...(air horn blast)

ALEASHA:  (reading)"...And he pulled her into 
his arms out of the way of the careening truck!"

JIMMY:  There! See? No problem! (coming to stop)

ALEASHA:  "...and they fell into the grass 
laughing and crying at the same time."

MAX:  I'm joining the marines when I get home!

JIMMY:  What was that Max?

MAX:   The MARINES! War can't be any more 
dangerous than your driving!

JIMMY: Oh nonsense! (motor sounds off) Hush now so 
I can read this. "In 1812, during the war of
1812, General Wade N.D.River, while crossing 
through this area with his battalion, was said to
have used this tree to urinate behind. This tree, 
only a sapling at the time of the incident, was
dedicated in General River's name on May 1975 by 
the Chamber of Commerce and the good
people of the town of Peewell."

MICKEY:  (laughing) And I thought hysterical markers 
were boring!

JIMMY:  On the contrary, HisTORical markers are really 
quite informative.

TAWNEE:  Can we go now?!

JIMMY:  (sounds of car starting and taking off)Yes, 
I'm done. It's a shame you kids weren't more
interested in reading these things. You might learn 
something.

  (a thump)

MICKEY:  (worried and excited) What was that!
(looks out back window) Oh, no!

MAX:  What happened?

MICKEY:  Jimmy hit a bird!(to Jimmy) You ought 
to go back and see if it's still alive!

JIMMY:  It's dead.

MICKEY:  But how do you know? You didn't even 
slow down!

JIMMY:  Don't worry, it was only a bird, for crying 
out loud!

TAWNEE:   I like birds. You shouldn't have killed
a bird Dad!

MICKEY:  I thought more of you than to just 
plow down an innocent little bird. And you don’t
even care enough to see if you'd finished the
job or left it to suffer! What if it had been a
child...or even ...(sniff) a cow!

TAWNEE:  Dad, you're so mean to kill a cow!

ALEASHA:  (looking up from book) You hit a cow?
I hope he wasn't clairvoyant. I think there's
a law against...

JIMMY:  (overlapping)I DIDN'T KILL A COW! It was 
just a bird!

ALEASHA:  That's mean!

JIMMY:  Mean? Mean! Thank goodness, there's a 
gas station coming up. Who wants something to
eat?(no answer) Well?

ALEASHA:  I don't think anyone's talking to you.

MICKEY:  I know I'm not!

MAX:  I'm still talking to Dad!

JIMMY:  Good Max! Thank you!

MAX:  Dad?

JIMMY:  Yes Max?

MAX:  (pause) Why'd you murder that bird?

MICKEY: (After screeching around a corner and 
to a stop) You didn't have to pull in that fast!
You almost hit the gas pump! I see...you’ve 
got a vendetta... kill a bird, a gas pump, just
anything, just so it satisfies that overblown 
male ego-macho thing...Oh, and just 'cause you're 
mad over your own insensitivity you don't need to take 
it out on us! We don’t need to kill a gas pump to feel good!

JIMMY:  (gets out of car slamming door) Insensitive!
(goes to back of car, fills tank)

MAX:  Cool it daddy-o! Like we're totally on your
wave length! PEACE!(gives sign)

ALEASHA:  (on peace)Poppa-joppa!

TAWNEE: (on joppa)Ping! (MOM and KIDS laugh)

MICKEY: Did you know Aleasha, that he’s even talked 
about starting a radio station?

ALEASHA: No, really?

MICKEY: Sure. His call letters are gonna be WHOG 
and he’s gonna play nothing but beer
drinking music. On the hour, instead of the news, 
He’s gonna tell his best dumb blonde jokes.
He’s even planning a hot line where the guys 
can get together and compare the horse power of
their Evinrudes!

TAWNEE: (now watching out back window)  Dad said the 
S word!

MICKEY:  He must have poured gas on himself again!
(they laugh again until DAD comes up to window 
passenger side)

JIMMY:  Do you want something from the store Mickey?

MICKEY: Why were you cussing?

JIMMY: I spilled gas down my pant leg.

MICKEY: Looks like ya had a wee accident.

TAWNEE: My doll can spare a diaper if you need one!

JIMMY: That won’t be necessary. Do you want something 
or not?

MICKEY: Seeing as how I’m still not talking to you 
I’ll have to say no.

JIMMY: Fine then. I’ll be back in a minute.

ALEASHA: I’m going in.

MAX: We’re going too. Dad wait up. We need some money.

JIMMY: Here’s a dollar for each of you. Spend it 
the best way you know how.

ALEASHA: Generous to a fault.

MICKEY: ( alone, fussing with radio) Gotta find me some 
cow punching-goat roping music! Yee Ha!(sounds of 
static )  Sheesh! Can’t get a thing out here in the 
sticks. Bet they have to pump in the sunshine too!

(Music up for commercial)

Ah, there’re something!...oh! It’s that dumb sponsor...

(DR. TOES steps up to the mike again....)

DR.TOES:  (taps on mike)...Foot fungus...

MICKEY: Foot fungus? Is that like mushrooms? Hey, 
Mister! Is fungus like mushrooms? Or toadstools? 

DR. TOES:  Well…um a fungus is in the same family as...um...mushrooms...

MICKEY:  Does that mean we can get mushrooms growing 
from  our toes?

DR. TOES:  Well, no...actually it’s a diff...

MICKEY:  Did you know cow manure is great for growing 
certain kinds of mushrooms and that
with these mushrooms you can ... 

DR. TOES:  Mam please! I’m supposed to be doing a 
commercial right now....

MICKEY:  Of course I never did try one , never was 
into that sort of thing ...but you know I
remember a movie once with a bear cub who ....

(ALEASHA comes out of the store and up to the car)

ALEASHA:  What’s he doing up there again? It’s 
supposed to be my line now...

DR. TOES:  Please! Can I do this? Thank you ...
Dr. Toes ‘Rid-a-Reek’ is formulated to help get
rid of the most stubborn fungal growth...

MICKEY: (to Aleasha) You get that from walking 
in cow patties! Mushrooms grow from your
toes and these mushrooms if you eat them will...

DR.TOES:  (to MC) I can’t do this! No I refuse ... 
You’ll have to get a new spokesman.... It’s not
in my contract to take this...(walks off stage)


ALEASHA: He’s gone...

MICKEY:  Good! Let‘s see now...oh! Did you get 
what you wanted?

ALEASHA:  Oh, ya! I bought the store out on that 
measly dollar he gave me! (tears open a coffee
cake and starts eating it , watches people going by)

MICKEY:  Where’s everyone?

ALEASHA:  Jimmy’s standing at the counter reading 
those stupid newspapers again...How
embarrassing! Oh!(notices boy) He’s cute!

MICKEY:  What about Max and Tawnee?

ALEASHA:  Max is coming now. Tawnee’s probably still 
looking. She can’t ever make up her mind..

MAX: (getting in ) That store clerk is giving dad 
some mean looks!

ALEASHA:  Gee...I wonder why...

MAX: (squeezes chip bag until it explodes) YA!

ALEASHA: Do we have to have these sound effects?

MAX:  That’s the name of the game sister: he who 
dies with the most sound effects wins...

ALEASHA: I wish you’d hurry up and die then!

MAX: (in his best “Duke” voice) Little darling, 
if you don’t believe it, I’ll just haveta take you
out back of this establishment and prove it to ya!

MICKEY:  (giggles) My hero!

ALEASHA:  (opening door) Come on then! I wanna see 
how big those words are when I stuff your mouth fulla 
parking lot asphalt! 

MAX:  (stealing back in his seat) That‘s ok, 
I already ate.

ALEASHA: Good then! (slams door shut for emphasis) 
You do have a brain or two in your head...

MAX: (gets a good mouthful of chips and crunches 
them right in her face. ALEASHA chunks
him under his chin, he lets out a yelp and spits 
chips all over) You dumb girl! Look what you’ve
done! You made me bite my tongue! And I almost 
choked to death! Mom...

MICKEY:  Is it bleeding? (checks his tongue) 
You’d better go inside and put some cold water on
it...(as he leaves) and tell them to come on! 
(to Aleasha) How’d you get such a brother?

ALEASHA: You had him not me!

MICKEY: Pure coincidence! I had my eyes closed...

TAWNEE: (enters car) The manager has dad in the 
office.

MICKEY: Oh, really! His dirty deeds have found 
him out!

ALEASHA: Will they arrest him?

MICKEY: I doubt it. But it’d be nice if he thinks 
they might...

ALEASHA:  Serve him right for all the times he’s 
embarrassed us in stores...holding up the
lines... people staring at him...

TAWNEE: Aleasha! I don’t want dad to be arrested! 
... He’s got all the money!

(Music)

They don’t quit do they?

MC: Now a message from our sponsor Dr. Toes 
Rid-a-reek!

DR. TOES: Do the police give you a suspicious look
every time you walk on their beat? Do you
worry they think you might be a criminal? Have 
you considered that the problem may not be
your actions at all but the smell you exude as 
you walk down the street? It may not
be your psychopathic behavior at all but a common 
attack of ‘Feet Reek’. Now before you turn yourself
in to the law try the powder that has been tested 
under the most arduous circumstances and
found to be the best possible product for eliminating 
that foul foot odor! Dr. Toes....

MICKEY: Hey! I thought that stuff killed mushrooms! 
He said before that it killed toemushrooms...you heard
him, right Aleasha?

ALEASHA: I heard it ! You know you’re confusing 
people out there! Either your powder gets rid
of odor or it gets rid of mushrooms! It can’t do 
both!

DR. TOES:  It’s not mushrooms! It’s fungus!

MICKEY: See! Fungus, mushrooms, it’s all the same!

DR. TOES: It’s not the same thing!

MICKEY: It is...Aleasha you remember that movie 
with the bear cub, right? 

ALEASHA: You mean where he ate the mushrooms? 
That was neat! Hey fella!? Do your mushrooms do that?

DR. TOES: I don’t have any mushrooms!

ALEASHA: No? Then why bring them up anyway?

DR. TOES: I didn’t bring them up! ...I give up! 
I'm outta here! Bonus or no bonus! I will not come 
on this stage again as long as they are here! ... 
Season, smeeson!...  (leaving) I don’t care...ya, 
well you do it then!

MICKEY: OK Max, he’s gone! You’re on!

MAX: (entering car, laughing) Finally...well um...
They’re making dad buy one of each of the all the different 
newspapers in the store! (dumps out a bag filled with candy, 
sodas and more chips)

TAWNEE:  Hey! Where’d you get all that?

MAX: Dad gave me some money so I wouldn’t
 tell mom!

ALEASHA: Well, you’d better give me some so 
I won’t tell him you told mom!

TAWNEE: Ya, me too!

MICKEY: I want my share too if I’m gonna act 
like I don’t know anything!

MAX: (down to a paltry few pieces of candy)
 Man! This blackmail business is for the birds!

TAWNEE: Don’t mention birds! You’re gonna make 
me cry again!

MAX: You never cried in the first place!

TAWNEE: Ya, but dad thought I did! (pulls kids 
magazine out of back pocket) That’s how I got
this!

ALEASHA: Hey!

TAWNEE: Takes a knack!

(JIMMY comes out with a stack of newspaper, sodas, 
and a fake rose)

MICKEY: You must be making some plans for a long 
stay in the bathroom!

JIMMY: Huh? No, just found some interesting 
stories...Here... (hands her the rose) this 
is for you!

ALEASHA: Flowers, mom?

MICKEY: Takes a knack! (to Dad)Thanks.(smells the fake 
rose) Gee, it DOES smell like a real rose! ...Hon, 
there must be some really good stories for you to buy all the 
newspapers!

JIMMY: Ya...there are...

MAX: It’s a good thing you weren’t reading magazines, 
huh, dad!

JIMMY: MAX!

(ALL but Jimmy break out in laughter at this)

(MUSIC)

MC: Now, time for a station break!... I thought 
you talked him into it?...well...I can’t do it! ...
no way am I doing a commercial about foot fungus!...
Ladies and gentleman it appears that we are
having difficulties in bringing you our commercial 
so we will get back to our production of ‘A
Dung’s Tale’ (leaving stage)...what?...no...my 
agent told you time and again I don’t do commercials!

(Lights go out, there’s a crash and lights come on 
again)

ALEASHA: What was that?...oh, that’s us...

MAX: Mom told you not to chase cars down the road!

JIMMY: Who ever thought I would catch one...(throws 
ticket on dash)

MICKEY: Don’t worry honey. It shouldn’t cost too much
 to fix that fender.

MAX: If he can afford it after he gets sued for 
creaming that Beemer!

TAWNEE: And pays for the ticket!

JIMMY: Will you all just leave me alone for awhile? 
Can’t you see I’ve had enough?

MAX: OK, let’s play cards.(shuffles) Five card stud. 
Nothing wild.

TAWNEE: Me too!

(MAX deals the cards)

MICKEY: At least no one was hurt.

ALEASHA:  Hey! I need another card!

MICKEY: It could have been much worse.

MAX: Ante up!

MICKEY: The car still runs. We didn’t have to pay 
a tow bill.

ALEASHA: I fold.

MAX: Show ‘em Tawnee. HA! I got a straight! That 
beats your flush.

TAWNEE: MOM! Max says that his straight beats my flush!

ALEASHA: Tawnee let me see your cards. She has a 
straight flush! She wins.

MAX: No way. She cheated!

ALEASHA: Look at em Max! See, King, Queen, Jack, 
ten, and nine of hearts...

MICKEY: I believe that’s a royal flush!

TAWNEE: A royal flush! Wow!

MAX: Alright, alright. You beat me!...hey Dad? 
Speaking of flushes... do you think you will find
enough to do while you’re in the bathroom reading 
all those papers?

JIMMY: That’s enough! (pulls over) You drive Mickey. 
I can’t anymore.

MICKEY: Well…ok I guess I will...(they switch seats) 
Close your eyes and relax, I’ll tell you
when we’re there.(pause) Let me try this radio again. 
(turns knob and country comes blasting out.
Jimmy jumps) Sorry. (turns it low)

ALEASHA: You never did finish the story about the cows.

MICKEY:  Jimmy was telling it.

ALEASHA: Dad? Finish the story...

JIMMY: What? Not that... ok...see when cows hear 
you coming towards the barn they’re laying
down but by time you’re in they have gotten up. 
The thing you don’t know is that right before
they get up they drag their tails in the gutter  
and when you’re not looking...

MICKEY: SWAP! Right across the face!

ALEASHA: You mean they hit you in the face with 
their tails, and that their tails are covered
in...

MICKEY: Exactly! It’s a swell game!

JIMMY: Swell...ya right...

MICKEY: He hates it cause every time he goes 
near a barn they get him!

JIMMY: It’s a conspiracy. 

MICKEY: What’s this? Punchafella State Park, 
one mile. Honey? We’re almost there!

JIMMY: What?! I just closed my eyes!

MICKEY: I know but...

TAWNEE: We’re there?

MICKEY: Just about a half mile now.

TAWNEE: Yay!

MAX: Alright!

ALEASHA: Jimmy has first dibs on the bathroom!

MICKEY: Start getting your stuff together!

MAX: I hope I see a grizzly bear!

ALEASHA: I hope a grizzly sees you first!

TAWNEE: I wanna see a bear cub!

ALEASHA: Ya, one with a mushroom!

MICKEY: Here we are then.

JIMMY: Stop here. (car stops) I wanna see the view 
before we go in. (getting out) It’s spectacular!

TAWNEE: (after looking out the window)This is it? 
What’s so great about this? (falls back in seat with 
a pout)

JIMMY: Tawnee be appreciative!

TAWNEE: Why? I didn’t want to come here in the 
first place.

MICKEY: Honey? What’s that sign over there by 
the gate?

JIMMY: (walks to sign) Ain’t that a slap in the face. 
The park’s closed until further notice. (turns to 
car) I thought you said you called the park office yester...(as he 
comes up to the car everyone’s face has
changed into a cow face…"Moos"..) Aw!!!! Not my family! (falls face first 
on hood of car. Lights dim)

(Station theme song)

MC: (off stage) Hey? What happened to everyone? And where’d the cows come from? 
They weren’t in the script...
(Lights dim)