Welcome back to part two! When we last left the gang...
ARGRATH- *beating the snot out of Kharn* Come on guys, only a coupla more pints of blood left in him!
*Mass kicking and punching. Argrath elbow-drops Kharn, Dasleah bends his leg the wrong way, Tzaphiel kicks him in the ribs and Gabe gives him the noogie*
KHARN- P-please... s-stop... the... ugh... paaaain...
TZAPHIEL- WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD YET!!?
KHARN- Well technically, I DID die at the Siege of the Emperor's Palace, and Khorne breathed life back into me.
GABRIEL- OH MY GOD!!! HE'S A ZOOOOOOOMBIE!!!
*Argrath, Dasleah, Tzaphiel and Gabriel recoil in sudden fear*
DASLEAH- Don't hurt us Mr. Zombie!
ARGRATH- You leave our brains alone, you brain eating... *thinks* brain eater!
TZAPHIEL- Don't annoy him! He'll stumble towards us slowly and groan! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!? DO YOU WANT TO KILL US ALL!!?
ARGRATH- Gotcha *to Kharn* I'm very sorry, Mr. Zombie. In fact, I respect your kind. Hell, some of my followers ARE zombies. And that scent of rotting flesh just can't be beaten!
GABRIEL- *murmurs to Argrath* Good going Argrath. Any more lies to keep him happy?
ARGRATH- I wasn't lying.
GABRIEL- .....oh.
KHARN- Let me get this straight. You guys think I'm scarier when I'm a brain-dead zombie instead of a blood-soaked, nigh-invulnerable Arch-Berserker of the Chaos God of blood and war?
DASLEAH- *sarcastically* Well, yeah!
KHARN- Hmm... not sure whether to take that as an insult or a compliment...
TZAPHIEL- Don't hurt us! Please! We love zombies!
ARGRATH- Yeah, we're all anti-Resident Evil! Honestly!
GABRIEL- Hell with that! I LOVE Resident Evil! Shooting zombies with an enhanced shotgun... golly, that's fun. And Nemesis? What a pushover! Yep, it just doesn't get better than blowing apart zombies in a variety of brutal ways, yessirree...
*Long silence*
TZAPHIEL- *slapping forehead, murmuring* Gabriel, you dumbass...
GABRIEL- What? What did I say?
DASLEAH- Now he's mad! Mad I say! Mad as chestnuts soaked in vinegar!
KHARN- You want zombie, eh? I'll give you zombie... ahem... *groans* braaaaains...
TZAPH, DAS, GABE, ARGY- AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
*They run off with screams of "mad zombie"*
KHARN- Hmm. That was easy. Guess I've been doing it wrong all these years after all... *light bulb appears over his head* Hey! I got a great idea!
*Meanwhile, outside Central Eye, Fabius and Ahriman are talking to Doomrider*
AHRIMAN- Look, Doomy, you're not really that great...
DOOMRIDER- B-but... wheels of fire! *he points pathetically at his bike* A-and... throbbing Daemon sword... *gestures weakly*
FABIUS- Oh lordy... look, Doomy. Your bike is basically a jump pack. That throbbing Daemon sword is a bog-standard power weapon. And don't get me started on the pulsating gun of gushing plasma...
DOOMRIDER- Wh-what about it?
FABIUS- It's a plasma gun. Plain and simple. And what's all this "He Comes He Goes" crap, eh? Care to offer some sort of explanation for this!?
DOOMRIDER- Shut up! It's not my fault I don't have any damn fluff!
AHRIMAN- That's right, it's Jervis' fault.
*Fabius, Ahriman and Doomrider all turn to face the camera, absolutely serious and deadpan*
AHRIMAN- Damn you.
FABIUS- Damn you Jervis.
DOOMRIDER- Damn you.
*They all stare at the camera for a while, before turning back to the script and conversation*
FABIUS- Okay Doomy, prove you aren't a waste of... *flips through Pamphlet: Chaos Space Marines*... half a page. Woo.
AHRIMAN- Hey, I'm the top half of that page! Let me think, how many pages were dedicated to me in the 2nd ed Codex? Hmm... oh, wait, let me think... hmmm... oh yeah... FOUR!!! Four pages of me! Two and a half for background, the other one and a half for my grossly overpowerful rules.
DOOMRIDER- *Ignoring the rambling Thousand Son Chief Librarian* You want proof? Fine, name anything, and I'll do it! ANYTHING. I am a follower of Slaanesh you know... *he puts a hand on Fabius's knee*
FABIUS- Don't touch me, biker-boy.
DOOMRIDER- *removing his hand* M'sorry.
AHRIMAN- How about a game of chicken?
DOOMRIDER- Sure! What against? A kiddy's tricycle? A Skoda? Some sort of wheelbarrow?
AHRIMAN- I was thinking something a little more challenging... Abaddon!
*There is a sudden hoot and the ground shakes. Around the corner comes an 18-wheeler truck, driven by Abaddon, who is smiling and waving cheerfully*
DOOMRIDER- Hmmm... I see... er... right...
FABIUS- Okay you guys- opposite ends of the street and start revving.
DOOMRIDER- I... er... can't... do this...
AHRIMAN- Why's that?
*long pause*
DOOMRIDER- I COME, I GO! *he rolls a D6. It lands on a 4. He turns it to a 1 and starts to vanish* See ya suckers!
AHRIMAN- Damn it.
ABADDON- No, damn Jervis.
FABIUS- Yes. Yes we should.
*They all turn to face the camera, again absolutely serious and deadpan*
AHRIMAN, ABADDON, FABIUS- Damn you Jervis. Damn you.
*Back at the Traitor's apartment. Ahriman, Fabius and Abaddon are all sitting on the couch*
ABADDON- I wonder where Kharn is.
FABIUS- He said he'd be back in a little while.
AHRIMAN- So, where is he?
FABIUS- What do I look like, his keeper?
ABADDON- He has got that Collar of Khorne for a reason, y'know.
FABIUS- Look, for the last time, I didn't lose the leash!
AHRIMAN- Well, someone did!
*Kharn enters. Instead of his normal power armour, he is wearing filthy rags, though he still has his helmet on*
KHARN- Yo, jizz-monkeys.
ABADDON- Don't call me a jizz-monkey Kharn, or I WILL take some sort of long iron pole and insert it into you. Nothing personal you understand, but... y'know.
KHARN- Gotcha.
*Kharn flops down on the sofa*
AHRIMAN- Kharn... where's your power armour? And Gorechild? And all your other wargear?
KHARN- I pawned it all and got these blood and filth-encrusted rags! Whaddya think?
FABIUS- Riiiiight... *deep breath* Okay, I think I'm braced enough for the momentous and outright stupidity that's going to follow my question. Oh... wait... *deep breath* Okay, definitely braced enough. Now... why, pray tell, did you pawn all your wargear and buy some blood and filth-encrusted rags?
KHARN- Duh, to fit in with my new scary zombie image!
FABIUS- Hmmm... yeah, I didn't think I was braced anough... *Fabius blacks out and collapses, banging his head on the coffee table as he falls to the floor*
ABADDON- Your WHAT image?
KHARN- My scary zombie image! Our arch rivals who live across the hall said I was scarier as a filthy brain-eating zombie than a mighty, raging Chosen One of The Great Hound Of War, so I sold all my Chaos stuff and got some really groovy zombie threads? Whaddya think? *He does a little twirl*
AHRIMAN- No offence, but it looks like you've just robbed a corpse.
KHARN- Funny you should mention that... you wouldn't believe how easy it is to break into a morgue nowadays...
ABADDON- So, you actually believed our arch rivals and sold all your wargear, then you robbed a corpse of it's clothing... where's the money though?
KHARN- Oh, I gave that to our arch rivals.
AHRIMAN- Why?
*Kharn shrugs*
ABADDON- *muttering* I am going to stab you in the face SO much...
AHRIMAN- Kharn, you're such a fool! You've sold all your cool Khorne *spit* stuff, and then you go and give the money to our arch rivals! WHY!?
KHARN- They said they'd pay me back! Why would they lie to me?
AHRIMAN- *to Abaddon* Shall we just not bother stating the blatantly obvious?
ABADDON- Good idea.
KHARN- I trusted our arch rivals 'cos they told me to.
AHRIMAN- Kharn!
KHARN- What?
AHRIMAN- *hands him a fistful of cash* Here's some cash, go and buy your stuff back. And hurry!
KHARN- Well, here's the thing...
ABADDON- *groans* Aw, sweet Phraz-Etar on a Shetland pony, there's more...
KHARN- I kinda sold all my stuff to our arch rivals... and then they persuaded me to give them back the money they'd used to buy my stuff... and then they sold my stuff to someone else for double the price they'd paid me for...
AHRIMAN- So, you basically GAVE AWAY your stuff and our rivals made a massive profit in the process.
KHARN- Well, in a purely philosophical sense, no.
AHRIMAN- You failed Philosophy, didn't you?
KHARN- Uh-huh.
ABADDON- *to Kharn* God, I hate you.
*Back in the arch-rivals' apartment*
ARGRATH- Well, we made a nice profit out of Kharn's power armour and Gorechild.
TZAPHIEL- Yep, now we just gotta decide what we're gonna do with the money...
DASLEAH- Hmmm... maybe we should invest it and spend it wisely, so that in the future we're financially secure and there's no risk of us getting into problems with debt or mortages.
*Long silence. They all suddenly burst into fits of laughter*
GABRIEL- *between spasms of mirth* Good one Das'!
TZAPHIEL- *nearly sick from laughing* Invest it! Good lord, someone shoot me before my blood vessels burst!
ARGRATH- *rolling on the floor* It's like my own personal Fate of Bjuna!
*They all eventually calm down*
DASLEAH- Thank you, thank you... I'm here 'til Thursday.
GABRIEL- *wiping away a tear, sniggering* Ahhh... what do you think we should do with the cash, Tzaph?
TZAPHIEL- I've got three ideas I'd like to run past you. Firstly, we use the cash to build a colossal basalt cathedral, dedicated to the eternal glory of Chaos Undivided and the undeniable holiness of mighty Lorgar, where thousands will flock and embrace the freedom of Chaos!
ARGRATH- Sorry Mr. Word "Beardy", but no dice.
GABRIEL- *producing a sack of D6s* Several, actually.
*Cheesy canned laughter*
TZAPHIEL- Okay, so that's a no-no. Secondly, we use the cash to bribe the GW staff into accepting my Codex. We use the remainder of the cash to hire some sort of Vindicare Assassin to pop off Chambers, Johnson, Haines, Thorpe and Sawyer and replace them with ourselves.
DASLEAH- Like we need cash to do that. That's what bolters are there for!
TZAPHIEL- Well, that just leaves the third option.
ARGRATH- Which is?
TZAPHIEL- We blow it all on an elaborate two-month long holiday, somewhere nice, hot and sunny.
GABRIEL- Yay! The Bolter and Chainsword boys are going to Paraguay!
*Long silence*
DASLEAH- Maybe not. How about New Zealand? New Zealand is awesome. It's probably the best place in the world. Actually, I'd have to say New Zealand is the best place in the Universe. Yep, I'm pretty sure New Zealand is actually God's finest work on this world, if not in the entire Universe. Ever.
TZAPHIEL- *arms folded across chest* A little biased, aren't we Dasleah?
DASLEAH- *mumbles* Yes.
ARGRATH- Maybe we shouldn't go somewhere hot and sunny. I'll fester and attract flies, and that's just plain inconvenient.
GABRIEL- Coughcough PARAGUAY coughcough...
TZAPHIEL, DASLEAH, ARGRATH- WE'RE NOT GOING TO PARAGUAY!!!
GABRIEL- *muttering* Hate you all so much... spoiling my life-long dream...
DASLEAH- Hmmm... where could we go which isn't too hot and sunny, but is generally nice and has a lot to offer young, handsome and extremely gullible tourists who also happen to be dark, psychopathic followers of the Ruinous Powers?
GABRIEL- *shrugs* London?
ARGRATH- What sort of show would this be if we had a special episode set in London?
TZAPHIEL- Yeah, and we all know that if we went to London for a special episode that is set in London, two of us would only end up sleeping with each other and eventually end up sharing an apartment and sparking off an on-screen love that would create obsession in thousands of gormless viewers.
DASLEAH- Coughcough RIPOFF coughcough OF FRIENDS coughcough...
ARGRATH- Did you say something Das'?
DASLEAH- Yes. Yes I did.
ARGRATH- Care to tell me?
DASLEAH- Not particulary.
TZAPHIEL- Okay, it's settled! The Bolter and Chainsword boys are going to-
GABRIEL- *interrupting* JERUSALEM!
*Tzaphiel screams with frustration and chases Gabriel around the apartment, trying to beat him to death with a courgette*
DASLEAH- So, Argy... you're a Brit... what's London like?
ARGRATH- Don't ask. Just... DON'T.
Will the Rivals enjoy London? Will the Traitors follow them? Will Kharn ever get his stuff back? Will Fabius ever regain consciousness? Will Tzaphiel kill something? Find out in the next episode of "Traitors"!
