The Dasleahnomicron - Humor - Traitors : Part Three
Part three's FINALLY here, with mayhem galore!
When we last left our anti-heroes, the Rivals were planning to spend the vast amount of money that they had gained (thanks to Kharn's utterly grotesque stupidity) on a two-week holiday in Merrye Olde Londone! But they are not alone...
*Gatwick airport. The plane has just landed, and, bleary-eyed, the Rivals stumble through Arrivals*
ARGRATH- Urgh, that flight was terrible.
GABRIEL- Indeed it was. Especially since that airline food mutated into Chaos Spawn.
TZAPHIEL- It didn't. It just looks that way all the time.
GABRIEL- That would explain a great deal.
ARGRATH- *looking around* Hey, where's Dasleah?
TZAPHIEL- *shrugs* I dunno. I think he just... faded away...
GABRIEL- You kicked him out of the plane!
TZAPHIEL- Now is not the time for accusations Gabe. Now is the time for bloody mayhem as we try and retrieve our luggage. Besides, Dasleah left on his own accord.
ARGRATH- At least, that's what we have to assume, as someone had mysteriously drugged him...
TZAPHIEL- Yessirree, a really dilly of a pickle of a mystery that. What dastardly cad could have drugged Dasleah and then kicked him out of a plane?
*Long pause*
GABRIEL- No idea.
ARGRATH- Nope.
TZAPHIEL- Heh heh... suckers...
GABRIEL- Did you say something?
TZAPHIEL- I don't know, did you?
GABRIEL- What!?
TZAPHIEL- Ah-hah, denying it now, are we?
GABRIEL- What are you talking about!?
TZAPHIEL- You tell me!
ARGRATH- Oh for Mortarion's sake... *he vomits over the two Word Bearers and a dozen travellers. Ignoring the agonised screams of dying Japanese businessmen, Argrath wheels the trolley off, muttering about how soon the whole world shall burn in his evil*
*Meanwhile, following the Rivals, the Traitors appear, wearing dark glasses and fake moustaches.*
ABADDON- Ah-hah! These disguises are so cunning, our rivals have not spotted us!
AHRIMAN- One of my better cunning plans, I believe.
KHARN- I think there's a scorpion in this fake 'tache...
ABADDON- Silence Kharn! And don't mess up my spare armour!
*Kharn, after selling his Chaos armour to the Rivals, is now wearing Abaddon's spare suit of Terminator armour; it is matt-black and peeling in areas*
KHARN- How can I mess it up? This thing's got a black basecoat! That's it!
ABADDON- It's my spare. That's why I don't need to have it painted, shaded, highlighted and drybrushed, you silly goose.
*Long pause*
FABIUS- Did you just say "silly goose"?
ABADDON- O-of course not! Wh-what makes you say that? Only "those types" say silly goose...
AHRIMAN- We believe you, fruity.
ABADDON- Hey, take that back!
FABIUS- Oh, now you're just being catty.
ABADDON- Shut up and hurry up. I don't want to lose sight of our rivals.
FABIUS- Rooow, hiss, hiss!
*They run off in pursuit of the Rivals*
*Customs*
CUSTOMS OFFICER- Anything to declare, sirs?
TZAPHIEL- Only my utter and complete devotion to Chaos Undivided and the exalted glory of hallowed Lorgar, may his faith never die.
GABRIEL- Ditto.
ARGRATH- Honestly, would you want to search me even I declared I was carrying some sort of illegal substances?
*The customs officer pales and faints*
TZAPHIEL- Let's mosey, homies.
GABRIEL- Don't speak like that. It sickens me.
ARGRATH- That's what you said when I decided to make a name for myself in the fragrance industry.
GABRIEL- Precisely my point.
TZAPHIEL- Besides, you couldn't make a profit with a perfume that's also a potential bio-hazard.
ARGRATH- There was nothing "potential" about it!
GABRIEL- That's what all those buyers would say... if their vocal cords hadn't bubbled away upon inhaling the stuff.
ARGRATH- And don't forget about the jaundice!
TZAPHIEL- *walking off* Oh, Eye forbid if we forget about your precious jaundice...
ARGRATH- Are you being sarcastic?
TZAPHIEL- *heavily sarcastic and elongated* Noooo!
*Rivals leave, Traitors sneak in. Customs officer has recovered*
CUSTOMS OFFICER- Anything to declare, sirs?
AHRIMAN- Nope.
FABIUS- Nothing.
ABADDON- Nadda.
KHARN- We're all psychopathic followers of the Ruinous Powers, cunningly disguised so that we may slip past your feeble defences and be destruction and the apocalypse incarnate upon thy land.
*Long pause, Ahriman, Abaddon and Fabius all stare at Kharn*
AHRIMAN- What part of "don't speak and only breath enough to maintain consciousness" didn't you understand?
FABIUS- Knowing Kharn, I'd say all of it.
ABADDON- I'll have to go with Mr. Gene-Splice McSplicely on this one.
KHARN- Silly! Everyone knows that all true followers of honourable Khorne ALWAYS tell the truth!
AHRIMAN- Kharn, are you familiar with the term "justifiable homicide"?
KHARN- Refresh my memory.
ABADDON- We'd be happy to.
*Ahriman, Kharn and Abaddon all produce weapons and surround Kharn*
KHARN- I'm sensing some negativity here...
*Back to the Rivals, walking to collect luggage*
TZAPHIEL- It's down here to collect the luggage, right?
ARGRATH- Yep.
GABRIEL- Cool.
KHARN- *off-scene* OH SWEET KHORNE!!! AAARGH!!! I COULDN'T BE IN MORE PAIN!!!
ARGRATH- Did you guys hear something?
KHARN- *off-scene* NO!!! NO!!! NOT DRACH N'YEN!!! NOT THERE!!! AAAAAAARGH!!!
TZAPHIEL- Not really.
KHARN- *off-scene* AAAARGH!!! WHY ISN'T ANYONE HELPING ME!!? I'M IN SO MUCH UNBELIEVABLE AGONY!!!
GABRIEL- *unlimbering accursed crozius* Right, who's ready for the luggage press?
ARGRATH- *readying plague scythe* Count me in!
TZAPHIEL- *unsheathing power sword* I wish it didn't always have to end in slaughtering civilians just to retrieve our suitcases... but, meh, whaddya gonna do?
*They walk off*
KHARN- *off-scene, quiet* Ribs... crushed... lungs... squashed... spleen... burst... self-narration... becoming annoying...
*The Rivals emerge from airport exit, drenched in blood*
ARGRATH- That was a rather successful luggage press, I feel.
GABRIEL- Do you think that, one of these days, slaughtering innocent civilians is gonna get boring?
*Long silence*
ALL- Nah!
TZAPHIEL- Well, our taxi should be here soon...
*There is a toot to their left. They all turn to see a customised drag-Rhino, painted in Word Bearer crimson*
TZAPHIEL- Ah, here we are...
GABRIEL- The Eulogy is our taxi? Who's driving?
*Berial leans out of the window*
BERIAL- Where to, guv'?
*Tzaphiel and Gabriel load their luggage and get in. Argrath follows slowly, muttering*
ARGRATH- Great, ANOTHER Word Bearer for me to attempt to kill... wherefore art thou, Dasleah and Kenshin?
TZAPHIEL- Argy, quit your belly-aching and get in!
ARGRATH- Are there any air-fresheners in there?
GABRIEL- Nope. Just good ol' fashioned Chaos incense burners.
ARGRATH- ... Very well then.
*He climbs in and the Eulogy pulls out. The Traitors emerge, dragging Kharn behind them*
FABIUS- They're getting away!
AHRIMAN- Curses!
ABADDON- Looks like we're well and truly nutmegged.
*Fabius and Ahriman turn to look at Abaddon. Long silence.*
ABADDON- What? Is there something on my face...?
FABIUS- "Nutmegged"?
AHRIMAN- Forget it you two. We have to catch up with them!
ABADDON- Why?
FABIUS- How else are we gonna keep this story going otherwise?
ABADDON- Point. But how are we gonna catch up? We haven't got a car!
FABIUS- Wait, lemme try... *he sticks a big foam thumb-up hand on the end of the Chirurgeon's arms and attempts to hitch-hike* Taxi!
ABADDON- It's not working.
AHRIMAN- Don't worry lads. I got an idea...
*The Italian Job's soundtrack spontaneously starts and then stops*
FABIUS- And what pray tell, would that be?
AHRIMAN- Just a little something I like to call... *he grabs Kharn and throws him into the road* A SPEED BUMP!
KHARN- Aw hell...
*Kharn lands in the middle of the road and lies there groaning. A taxi stops just before hitting him.*
ABADDON- *charging forward* Follow that drag-Rhino!
TAXI DRIVER- Righto guv'.
*Before getting into the taxi, Fabius turns to Ahriman*
FABIUS- That was a great plan Ahriman, using Kharn to stop this taxi!
AHRIMAN- *nervous* Yes... that's why I threw him into the road... of course....
KHARN- *staggering to his feet, bleeding profusely from several locations* Excuse me, but I'm in desperate need of medical attention here...
AHRIMAN- Oh bitch, bitch, bitch. Get in, moany.
*Ahriman bundles Kharn into the boot before the taxi drives off in pursuit of the Eulogy.*
*The Eulogy tears down the road, the taxi in close pursuit*
BERIAL- *checking wing-mirror* We got company, lads.
ARGRATH- It undoubtedly our rivals!
GABRIEL- Don't you mean Traitors? Cos... y'know... WE'RE the Rivals...
ARGRATH- Must you contradict everything I say?
GABRIEL- I don't contradict everything you say!
ARGRATH- You just did it again!
GABRIEL- No I didn't!
BERIAL- Can I just say that having a blazing row isn't gonna help us get our pursuers off our asses?
GABRIEL- *Cunning* Or will it?
*Long pause*
ARGRATH- No. What do we do, Tzaphiel?
*He looks over to Tzaphiel, who is sitting listening to music with earphones in*
ARGRATH- Tzaph?
TZAPHIEL- *Singing* Show me how you want it to be, tell me baby, 'cos I need to know now, because...
ARGRATH- Tzaph...
TZAPHIEL- *Still singing* My loneliness, is killin' me... and I... I must confess, I still believe, when I'm not with you, I lose my mind... give me a sign...
ARGRATH- Tzaph!
TZAPHIEL- HIT ME BABY, ONE MORE TIME!
ARGRATH- As you ask... *smacks Tzaph in the face*
TZAPHIEL- *staggering* Ah dammit!
ARGRATH- It was for your own good. Obviously, some sort of malign warp entity had possessed you.
TZAPHIEL- *sideways glance* Errr... yeah... obviously... a, er... warp, er, thingy. Of course... ha-ha... not Britney Spears... sweet Lorgar, of course not...
GABRIEL- *sitting back, utterly deadpan* Every time we think he's hit rock bottom, someone's always thrown him a shovel.
BERIAL- Tzaph, the Traitors are chasing us.
TZAPHIEL- Oh, they are now, are they? *Withdraws plasma pistol* I'll teach them a lesson!
*Tzaphiel leans out of the window*
TZAPHIEL- EAT PLASMA, YOU CADS!!!
*He throws the plasma pistol at the taxi*
BERIAL- You THREW your plasma pistol?
GABRIEL- That was our only gun!
TZAPHIEL- Well then, what's this then, eh? *producing something from his holster*
ARGRATH- That's a box of aspirin.
TZAPHIEL- ..... Well, drat.
*Meanwhile, back in the taxi*
FABIUS- Drive faster, accursed flesh-thing!
TAXI DRIVER- So as I was sayin', that's when I 'ad me bunions removed. Course, it were painful an' all, seein' as I 'ad it done wiv yer common garden rake...
AHRIMAN- Ah, I can almost smell victory! Muahahahahahahaha!!!
TAXI DRIVER- Beg yer pudden mate, but that ain't yer precious victory, just me ol' gut workin' me lunch through... well, bugger me, chicken always gives me gas... *offensive flatulent sound* Cor lumme, watch yerselves, that un's a proper guffer an' no mistake...
ABADDON- *praying* Look, I'm sorry about all those Black Crusades. Just get me out of this and I promise I won't launch any more unholy crusades into the False Imperium anymore...
TAXI DRIVER- *craning forward* 'Ere, what's that nutter doin'?
FABIUS- Looks like he's leaning out of the window... and throwing something!
AHRIMAN- Sweet Tzeentch, look out!
*Tzaphiel's plasma pistol smashes through the windscreen and lands in Abaddon's lap*
ABADDON- Well, this is certainly an awkward predicament...
*The plasma pistols start to spasm and fires on full-auto, spraying the inside of the cab with plasma fire*
AHRIMAN- Aaaaah!!! It's mighty AP of 2 cuts through my pitiful 3+ Save! Aaaargh!!!
FABIUS- Aaaaargh!!! 4+ Invulnerable Save... provided by Chirurgeon... ineffective... ARGH!!!
ABADDON- Sweet jeebus, it hurts!
KHARN- *muffled voice from boot* When in Rome... ARRRGH!!! The pain! The incredibly painful... err... PAIN!!! AAAARGH!!!
TAXI DRIVER- *spinning the wheel* If it's alright wiv you gents, I was goin' to frow the car into a rather cinematic spin, before the 'ole blummy fing tips over an' rolls to a stop as a nightmare tangle of twisted metal an' fire.
FABIUS- That would be fine.
AHRIMAN- Yep. Go for it.
ABADDON- Could we have the engine exploding for no particular reason as well?
TAXI DRIVER- Don't see why not.
ABADDON- Yay!
TAXI DRIVER- Right, steady yerselves gents. An' if I was you, I'd scream an' yell randomly as well. It 'elps.
*The Traitors all agree.*
KHARN- *muffled from the boot* What's going on? Guys? Guys...?
*Back in the Eulogy*
ARGRATH- Look, Tzaphiel's "plan", and I use that term in it's loosest sense, seems to have done something!
GABRIEL- Wow, look at all that random plasma fire punching through the car.
ARGRATH- Hey, that was a nice cinematic spin there.
GABRIEL- And look, the thing seems to have tipped over and rolled to a stop as a nightmare tangle of twisted metal and fire!
ARGRATH- And that's some nice random screaming and yelling there as well.
GABRIEL- Yeah, it helps.
ARGRATH- Whoa, looks like the engine's exploded for no particular reason as well!
TZAPHIEL- All according to plan! Hah-hah! Now Berial! Drive! Drive I say!
BERIAL- I'm not even half a metre away from you... you don't have to shout...
TZAPHIEL- YES I DO!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *slaps Berial across the head*
BERIAL- Wha-!? Why are you hitting me!?
TZAPHIEL- I DON'T KNOW!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*The Eulogy drives off towards London*
*Back with the crashed taxi. Fabius, Ahriman, Abaddon and the Driver are all standing looking at the wreck*
ABADDON- I have to admit, that WAS a nice cinematic spin.
AHRIMAN- And it was pretty cool when the car tipped over and rolled to a stop as a nightmare tangle of twisted metal and fire.
FABIUS- Yeah, and all that random screaming and yelling really helped.
ABADDON- And look, the engine exploded for no particular reason after all!
TAXI DRIVER- Well, that was me best crash fer a long time! Nice doin' business wiv you gents. Oh, an' if you want to catch up wiv yer Rivals, yer'd better start 'oofin' it, sharpish.
AHRIMAN- Right guys, let's go.
*They walk off.*
TAXI DRIVER- What a nice bunch of gents.
*He walks off in the opposite direction.*
KHARN- *muffled from within the wreck* Hello? Hello!? Is anyone there? I'm in an ungodly amount of pain... I think, I think... yes, yes, there is a metre-long metal bar through my leg... hello? Hello? Could someone please call an ambulance, because I can't emphasise how much pain I'm in... okay... I'll try and claw my way out... *snap of bone* Aaargh! My hand has bent the wrong way, so I'll try with the other hand... *snap of bone* Aaaargh! Okay, now both my hands are broken and bleeding... the blood is tinged with green... I don't think that's a good sign. Hello? I really could use some medical aid here... hello? Someone? I don't mean to rush, but I can feel my consciousness fading here... anyone?
That's Part Three people. Part Four's gonna be crazy!
