TRAITORS
We all know that Chaos Marines can conquer planets and bring entire systems under the grip of the Ruinous Powers... but how can they deal with the pressures of modern life? That's what "Traitors", everyone's favourite sit-com is for! Enjoy!
*The Traitor's apartment. Fabius Bile is sprawled on the couch, flesh-crafting with a rat he caught. Ahriman whistles tunelessly and happily as he busies himself around the kitchen. Suddenly Abaddon bursts in from his bedroom. His Terminator armour seems far too small and his hair is not in it's usual topknot, instead being draped messily around his head*
ABADDON- Look at this! What do you call this, Ahriman?
AHRIMAN- Whaddya talkin' about?
ABADDON- You goof, you shrunk my blessed Terminator armour in the wash! It's cutting off the circulation to my limbs! And now I'm gonna be late for work, and I haven't got time to style my hair, and it's all Kharn's fault!
FABIUS- Why, what's he done?
ABADDON- Oh, he's only acting like he OWNS the shower, that's all! Oh, my hair's a mess...
AHRIMAN- Chill Abaddon. You're just having a bad millennia, that's all.
ABADDON- Suppose so... oh, I'm gonna be so late!
*Abaddon dashes over to the door, flustered*
FABIUS- Hey, don't forget Drach N'Yen... AGAIN!
ABADDON- Shut up! We talked, and it forgave me- admittedly in a way that resulted me losing two pints of blood, but that's not the point! Damn, I haven't even had time to wash up yet...
AHRIMAN- Okay, okay, I'll go get Kharn out of the bathroom so you can wash up quickly.
*Ahriman goes over to the bathroom door and taps on it gently*
AHRIMAN- Kharn, can you just come out for a sec so that Abaddon can just wash up?
KHARN- *inside* I CAN'T HEEEEEAR YOU!!!
AHRIMAN- I didn't want to have to do this... *strange, hypnotic voice, his Mark of Tzeentch glows* You will exit the bathroom... I command it... you are my unwilling pawn...
KHARN- *inside* I... am... your... unwilling... pawn...
*The bathroom door opens and Kharn, wearing a towel around his waist, though he still has his helmet on, steps out, dripping water onto the floor*
AHRIMAN- All yours Abaddon.
ABADDON- Thanks Ahriman!
*Abaddon runs into the bathroom, and the sound of taps and splashing can be heard. Abaddon suddenly screams and runs out, his face plastered with blood*
FABIUS- So, Kharn... looks like you replaced the water pipe with a supply of fresh human blood that runs all the way from the donor ward... again.
*Canned laughter, Kharn turns to the camera and offers an open-handed shrug. Cut to theme song*
So no-one told you the Black Crusade was gonna be this way,
Your Raptors are jokes, Pred's broke, your Possessed are DOA,
It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
And when you haven't been able to kill, or maim, or burn
For millennia, doesn't matter, 'cos...
I'll be there for you, killing the Emperor's minions,
I'll be there for you, worshipping the Dark Gods,
I'll be there for you, 'cos you haven't managed to kill me yet...
(repeat)
*Back in the apartment. Kharn is building a house of cards, whilst Ahriman and Fabius are playing table football*
KHARN- You think Abaddon was pissed with me?
FABIUS- You mean apart from when he tried to remove both your hearts with the Talon of Horus?
KHARN- Yeah.
FABIUS- Nah. He was just screwed 'cos he was late for work.
KHARN- Good thing he actually missed with the Talon of Horus...
FABIUS- Yeah, you would've expected something like that to be master-crafted...
AHRIMAN- Shall we go down and see him later?
FABIUS- Yeah, maybe. *He scores a goal and gloats at Ahriman's expense* In your face, Thousand Chump! Manflayer; ten! The guy who practically destroyed his entire Legion; a big, fat nothing!
AHRIMAN- *hypnotic voice, Mark of Tzeentch and eyes glowing* But Fabius, I am winning.
FABIUS- *mesmerised* Yes, my master... you are winning... and I shall also give you... all my money...
AHRIMAN- Gooood boy...
*Meanwhile, across the hall in the second apartment...*
TZAPHIEL- Argrath, this is the last time I'm gonna tell you!
ARGRATH- *downcast* M'sorry sir...
TZAPHIEL- If you're gonna go down to the Chaos Arms and come back with your blood being 50 per cent alcohol, do your Stream of Corruption in the toilet, not all over the floor... and me... and all my stuff.
ARGRATH- I can promise nothing! Muahahahaahaha...
TZAPHIEL- Watch it.
ARGRATH- Sorry.
*Gabriel and Dasleah enter*
GABRIEL- Yo, Tzaph man.
DASLEAH- What's shakin' Argy?
ARGRATH- My titanic bloated gut of course!
*Canned laughter*
TZAPHIEL- Hey, let's head down to Central Eye and get some strong Chaotic ale.
DASLEAH- Yeah, perhaps that loser Abaddon is there today.
GABRIEL- I hope so. I can't wait to openly mock him and invite his wrath upon me.
*Awkward silence. To break the silence, Argrath farts and sniggers. Everyone else collapses, unconscious. Argrath then pokes their prone bodies with his plague scythe*
*Later, at Central Eye, the local coffee shop. Kharn, Fabius and Ahriman are all splashed out on a couch made out of flayed skin with screaming faces. Abaddon walks up, his hair still messy and not in its usual topknot*
ABADDON- Hey guys. Whaddya want?
AHRIMAN- Ah, the usual, y'know.
ABADDON- *scribbling on notepad* Okay, so that's a mug of raw bubbling warp essence and a cranberry muffin for you... Fabius?
*Fabius is busily liquidising an armchair into stimulants*
ABADDON- Fabius!
FABIUS- What?
AHRIMAN- And a cranberry muffin.
ABADDON- What?
AHRIMAN- Raw bubbling warp essence... and a cranberry muffin. The usual.
ABADDON- I wrote down your usual... raw bubbling warp essence... and a cranberry muffin.
AHRIMAN- Did you?
ABADDON- Yep.
AHRIMAN- Honestly?
ABADDON- Yes!
AHRIMAN- I didn't see you...
FABIUS- Dude, you're second only to Tzeentch in terms of psychic might. You can alter time, twist fate, shake the ley-lines of the Universe and clean us out every time we play Tzany Tzeentch. Why DIDN'T you see him?
AHRIMAN- Geez, I know I can do all that stuff, but it's not like I do it twenty-four-seven, only when it's useful. Anyway, I don't need to use psychic powers when we play Tzany Tzeentch. You guys suck Nurgle's pustules at that game.
ABADDON- Truth be told Ahriman...
*canned laughter at the very idea of Ahriman actually telling the truth*
ABADDON- Truth be told Ahriman, you DID make up that game. And you seem to change the rules every time.
AHRIMAN- For the last time, Kings are worth three, Jacks are worth eight, apart from red Jacks which are worth their base value... the six of clubs is a wild card, but I'll get to that in a moment. You play in concentric order, and the winner is the man with twenty tricks out of eight rounds-
KHARN- Excuse me... BUT SOME PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TO ORDER TODAY!!!
ABADDON- Sorry Kharn. Whaddya want? Blood for the Blood God?
KHARN- I'm fed up with you guys making assumptions about me all the time! You all look at me and think "Oh look, it's Kharn the Predictable, probably wanting Blood for the Blood God." Have you never stopped to consider that I, as a follower of the fickle force that governs us all, might possibly make changes in my life, changes that you have never dreamed of before!? Bah, chaos... order... these are names we give to things we cannot truly understand but take comfort in believing that we do. No one can truly understand such complicated forces that are part of and indeed beyond this corporeal expanse of space and time, which we foolishly dub the Universe, thinking it to be everything when truly it is nothing!
ABADDON- Kharn... what do you want?
KHARN- *long silence, then in a quiet mumble* Blood for the Blood God.
ABADDON- Right, that's raw bubbling warp essence, a cranberry muffin, Blood for the Blood God and... Fabius?
FABIUS- Oh, I'm okay with this armchair which I'm dissolving into stimulants. I think I might have stored some herbal tea in my Xyclos Needler as well...
ABADDON- *scribbling the order down* Right, I'll be back in a sec'...
*A chair is suddenly thrown across the room and hits Abaddon square in the back of the head*
ABADDON- *collapsing in immense pain* AAAAARGH!!!
*Raucous laughter from a table the other side of the room, where Tzaphiel, Argrath, Gabriel and Dasleah all sit*
GABRIEL- Hey, Abaddon, get a hair-cut!
DASLEAH- You suck!
TZAPHIEL- You couldn't break wind, let alone people's bones!
ARGRATH- Warmaster of Chaos my filth-encrusted ass!
*Abaddon gets up shakily*
AHRIMAN- Just ignore them Abaddon. They're only trying to provoke you.
FABIUS- You think!?
ABADDON- Yeah, they're below my notice. I'll just ignore them.
AHRIMAN- Oh, no-one cares. Hurry up with my muffin, coffee-monkey!
*Another thrown chair knocks Abaddon senseless*
AHRIMAN- How am I going to get my muffin at this rate? Kharn, sort 'em out.
KHARN- *gets up and unlimbers Gorechild* Just keep about two inches away from me. I don't want to have one of my attacks allocated against you.
AHRIMAN- Kharn, that's so friendly and thoughtful!
KHARN- You must be joking! You owe me money and I want the pleasure of taking it from you when you're still alive and able to scream and bleed.
*Kharn charges towards the four various Chaos lords; two Word Bearers and two Death Guard*
KHARN- Who wants some of me, eh?
*Argrath changes from the Corruptor to the Baneful, pestilent robes blowing around his colossal skeletal body, plague scythe in one hand, flail in the other. Tzaphiel becomes the Angel of Chaos, sprouting massive black angel wings and hefting the Daemon Falchion Zeal. Gabriel brings out a Brazier of Sinful Flame and chants the Hymns of Pandemonium. Dasleah Calin Desai metamorposises into his monstrous skeletal form (remember 41st Millennium RPG, Das'? Caleb vs. Dasleah!- ed). They all glower at Kharn*
ARGRATH- Bring on the noise.
TZAPHIEL- Some serious thwack is gonna get thrown down...
GABRIEL- And Kharn's gonna go home in a bodybag, says Gabriel 3.16
DASLEAH- Can the speeches, it's ass-whoopin' time!
KHARN- Ah monkey-trumpets...
*cue very messy, very prolonged beating of Kharn. Fabius and Ahriman watch*
FABIUS- Wow, Kharn has a lot of blood...
AHRIMAN- Yeah, except it was circulating through his body a couple of minutes ago... and now it most decidedly is not...
*more beating, screams of help from Kharn*
FABIUS- Yep, it's almost as if they're going out of their way to beat the sweet bajeezus out of him in the most time-consuming and agonising method possible...
AHRIMAN- If the worst comes to the worst, I get his windchime!
FABIUS- Damn, guess I'll have to make do with his lava-lamp...
Don't miss the next exciting episode of "Traitors"!
Stay tuned! :)
