The Dasleahnomicron - Humor - Traitors : Part Four
Part Four people!
*The Eulogy is parked outside a hotel. Inside, the Rivals are taking breakfast. Berial has tagged along for no real reason*
WAITER- What can I get for you sirs?
ARGRATH- Coffee, flesh-blister. And hurry! I am in desperate need of caffeine...
TZAPHIEL- Why?
ARGRATH- When you get to my ripe old age, you simply NEED it.
BERIAL- Not us though!
ARGRATH- Curse your youth...
WAITER- How would you like it sir?
ARGRATH- *exasperated sigh* So black that I have to chew before swallowing. Okay?
WAITER- Errr... okay sir, I think we can manage that... *turns to Gabriel* And sir?
GABRIEL- Strong monkish ale. With added zeal, if possible. I likes me mah zeal.
*Waiter scribbles down on notepad.*
WAITER- Righto. And you two?
BERIAL- Got any foul, raw bubbling warp essence?
WAITER- *shrugs* I believe we have some Horlicks in the back.
BERIAL- That'll do.
TZAPHIEL- O.J.
WAITER- He's currently staying at the Ritz sir, not here. Anything-
TZAPHIEL- *strained* Orange... juice...
WAITER- Ah, gotcha. Okay gents, I'll be right back.
*Waiter leaves*
GABRIEL- Well, here we are, in Merrye Olde Englande! Lande ofe endinge everye worde withe ane ee! ... apparantly... e.... yeah.
ARGRATH- Yay, whoopy, never been there before. Only live here, s'all.
TZAPHIEL- Ditto.
BERIAL- Same here.
GABRIEL- Well, I'm looking forward to it!
TZAPHIEL- In the name of all the Hells, why!?
ARGRATH- If you say it's because you want to see the Queen, we'll redefine your world as living PAIN...
GABRIEL- In all honesty, I want to go to the Tower of London.
TZAPHIEL- To destroy the Crown Jewels?
BERIAL- Drop the destructive urge or your fixin' to get YOUR Crown Jewels destroyed.
TZAPHIEL- You and what army of arch-fiends, chump boy?
*Berial and Tzaphiel growl pathetically at each other. Argrath sighs and seperates them with a sweep of his massive decaying arm*
ARGRATH- Sure, why not? Tower of London sounds okay for a day out.
TZAPHIEL- And Westminster Abbey? How about there too?
ARGRATH- Do you promise not to summon Daemons while in there?
GABRIEL- Yeah, like when we went to Notre Dame. I mean, I've seen some pretty messy carnage in my infernal life, but sheesh...
TZAPHIEL- What exactly is wrong with Daemonettes cavorting with each other in hedonistic lust-rituals in... in the... the... *he trails off as pleasant mental images come to mind*
GABRIEL- Tzaph?
*Tzaphiel burbles incoherently for at least a quarter of an hour, to silent and worried stares. There are occassional audible snatches of sentences including nipples, tongues and the interesting alternative uses for ice-cubes, root vegetables, and chocolate fudge sauce*
BERIAL- *eventually* Tzaph!
TZAPHIEL- Oh, sorry. *pause* We were talking about Daemonettes?
ARGRATH- That was ten minutes ago!
TZAPHIEL- My bad. So, can we? Can we go to Westminster, pleeeeeeeease?
GABRIEL- Will denying you result in you doing those damned Chaos puppy-eyes?
TZAPHIEL- Oh, most definitely.
ARGRATH- Fine, we'll go to the Tower of London AND Westminster. Fetid tapdancing Nurgle, this is why I don't hang out with you damn Undivided peons...
BERIAL- We'll probably need to use the Ancient Labyrinth Caverns of Eternal Depressing Gloom and Nauseous Stench to get around.
TZAPHIEL- You mean the London Underground?
BERIAL- Bingo.
GABRIEL- Well, let's eat and then move.
ARGRATH- Sounds good.
*Argrath inhales several plates of food. The three Word Bearers do likewise*
*Meanwhile, a couple of tables away, the Traitors sit, eating breakfast and crouching low in their seats in an attempt to remain unseen*
FABIUS- *through a mouthful of toast* Do you think they've seen us?
AHRIMAN- *buttering a coissant* Do not be foolish! My spell of invisibility has us cloaked, veiled in an impenetrable shroud of shadows and illusion! *munches, with his mouth full* They could not detect us even if we were a metre away from them!
*Back with the Rivals*
GABRIEL- *without looking up from the menu* Guys, the Traitors are over there.
TZAPHIEL, ARGRATH, BERIAL- *in unison, without looking up* We know.
*Back with the Traitors! Whoo-hah! Crazy scene changes abundant I say!*
ABADDON- I think I heard where they're planning to go!
KHARN- Really? Where?
ABADDON- I think they're going to go to the Tower of London, and Westminster Abbey.
AHRIMAN- But which one first?
ABADDON- I dunno. We should split into teams. Ahriman, you're with me. Fabius...
FABIUS- Aw crap.
ABADDON- Aw crap indeed. You're with Kharn.
KHARN- *in a full bodycast after his misfortune with the taxi* Oh, goody!
FABIUS- Oh, god.
ABADDON- Don't worry guys, I'll give a couple of friends a ring... *he produces a Chaos mobile phone, complete with spikes and poly-daemonic ringtone* Hehehe... hahahaha... muahaha... BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*Fabius and Ahriman shift back slightly*
AHRIMAN- Is he okay?
FABIUS- I don't really wanna know.
ABADDON- OH YES, THE POWER!!! IT MAKES ME FEEL ALIIIVE!!!
*The Rivals are outside the hotel, planning what to do*
ARGRATH- Well, I want to go to the Tower first.
TZAPHIEL- But I wanna go to Westminster Abbey!
BERIAL- I'm not picky.
GABRIEL- Me either.
ARGRATH- Tell you what; Berial and I will go to the Tower. Tzaph, you and Gabe go to Westminster. Then we'll meet outside the Houses of Parliament, or something.
TZAPHIEL- Sounds rockin'. Gabe, let's go.
GABRIEL- Oh, yes, "master"...
*The Rivals wander off. The Traitors pop up from behind a conveniently placed bush*
ABADDON- Fabius, you and Kharn go after Tzaphiel and Gabriel. Ahriman and I will follow Argrath and Berial. Remember, you'll meet up with your contact at the Tower.
FABIUS- Muahahaha, he shall be the death of them both!
ABADDON- Yes, quite. Ahriman!
AHRIMAN- Yo!
ABADDON- Onward!
AHRIMAN- Ho!
*Abaddon and Ahriman dramatically leap after Argrath and Berial. Fabius, wheeling Kharn in a wheelchair, trundle after Tzaphiel and Gabriel*
*Meanwhile, on the bottom of the sea...*
*A mysterious figure shifts on the seabed. They are shrouded in the inky blackness of the depths of the ocean, and stagger to their feet*
MYSTERY FIGURE- Urgh... limbs *gasp* smashed... lungs *gasp* squashed... slight headache... spleen... still unaccounted for... can't keep *urgh* describing symptoms... must regain strength... must regain... POWER!!!
*Mystery figure rises from the ocean in a coruscating halo of dark light and malign Chaos energy*
MYSTERY FIGURE- MUAHAHAHA!!! TREMBLE WORLD, FOR MY BLASPHEMOUS REJUVENATION IS COMPLETE!!! ONCE AGAIN, I SHALL BE PLAGUE AND DECAY UPON THIS EARTH!!! FEAR ME, OH FEEBLE INHABITANTS OF...
*pauses to read a nearby signpost*
BEXHILL BEACH!!! MUAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA!!! *pause* .... yeah.
*Random old couple look towards the darkling figure*
OLD WOMAN- Who do you think that is, 'Arold?
OLD MAN- Dunno Mabel... looks like one of them Chaos Warlords of Nurgle, or somesuch.
OLD WOMAN- Ooo, I don't like those Chaos Warlords... always killin' and spreading unholy disease. Our Trisha had a spot of bother with one of 'em only the other week, and she said...
MYSTERY FIGURE- SILENCE, FLESH-BLISTERS!!!
OLD WOMAN- Politeness don't cost nothin', young man. Now apologise!
MYSTERY FIGURE- BE QUIET, YOU HEINOUS HAG-BEAST!!!
OLD WOMAN- Well I never!
OLD MAN- 'Ere, now look 'ere...
MYSTERY FIGURE- DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND THE PLACE YOU CALL LONDON? SPEAK QUICKLY, 'LEST I EVISCERATE THEE AND FEED THEE THINE BOWELS!!! ... or pancreas *pause* ... yeah.
OLD WOMAN- What's the magic word?
MYSTERY FIGURE- WENCH, I KNOW COUNTLESS DARK INCANTATIONS!!! WITH BUT A WORD I CAN FLAY THE FLESH FROM THINE FACE, OR TRANSMUTE THINE BLOOD INTO CAUSTIC TAR!!!
OLD WOMAN- Unless I hear a "please", we ain't telling you nothin'.
MYSTERY FIGURE- OH FOR THE EYE'S SAKE... PLEASE?
OLD WOMAN- That's better. Didn't hurt, did it?
MYSTERY FIGURE- THOUGH MY MAGNIFICENT STATURE DOES NOT DISPLAY IT, MY SOUL HAST BEEN TORN IN TWAIN FOLLOWING SUCH PETTY PROTOCOL AND MORTAL NICETIES.
*long pause*
OLD MAN- Oh.
OLD WOMAN- Would you like a sticky bandage?
MYSTERY FIGURE- NAY!!! I DESIRE ONLY THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE WHEREABOUTS OF THE PLACE YOU CALL LONDON!!!
OLD MAN- *gesturing vaguely over his shoulder* 'Coupla miles that way.
MYSTERY FIGURE- AH, YOU FEEBLE FLESH-THINGS STILL BEND UNTO MINE WILL!!! FATHER NURGLE HAS NOT ABANDONED ME YET!!!
OLD WOMAN- You don't have to shout, we're right here.
MYSTERY FIGURE- *faltering* ERR... IT IS MORE... DRAMATIC!!! *pause* ... or something.
OLD MAN- Never 'eard so much shouting in all me life.
OLD WOMAN- Tsk, Chaos Warlords these days. Just a bunch of noisy hooligans!
MYSTERY FIGURE- ERRR... I... WELL... YOU SEE...
OLD MAN- No respect!
OLD WOMAN- Our generation was better!
OLD MAN- Back in my day...
OLD WOMAN- I remember when...
MYSTERY FIGURE- BE QUIET!!! DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU INSULT WITH YOUR ENDLESS TIRADES?
OLD MAN- Who?
MYSTERY FIGURE- I... AM... *thunderclouds roll in, sea becomes stormy and wild* DAAASLEAH CAAALIN DESAAAI!!! SCOURGE OF LIFE, BANE OF PURITY, DEFILER OF FANOGANE VIII, AND HERALD OF THE PLAGUES OF GREAT FATHER NURGLE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*long pause*
OLD WOMAN- What did he say his name was?
OLD MAN- I think he said Daniel.
OLD WOMAN- Well, I didn't vote for 'im.
*With a scream of rage, Dasleah slays the old couple and flies towards London*
DASLEAH- SOON I SHALL HAVE REVENGE UPON TZAPHIEL FOR HIS BETRAYAL OF ME UPON THE FLIGHT TO THIS DESOLATE PLACE!!! NO BEING, MORTAL OR DAEMONIC, INSULTS DASLEAH AND LIVES TO TELL THE TALE!!! NO-OOONE!!!
*pause*
DASLEAH- God, I'm good at this.
*Back with Tzaphiel and Gabriel, at Westminster Abbey*
GABRIEL- This is the place. Pretty nice.
TZAPHIEL- Indeed it is... indeed it is. A beautiful structure with a long and proud history, embodying faith, duty, and honour.
*long pause*
TZAPHIEL- Well, no time like the present. Gabe, pass me my Hymns of Pandemonium.
GABRIEL- *handing over a huge book* I thought you'd never ask.
TZAPHIEL- *flipping through the book* Let's see... what to summon... Catastrophes... Daemonettes... Desires... Elementals... Enigmas... Fiends... Flamers... Flesh Hounds... *mutter* a friggin' index would have been nice... *brightens up* ah, here we go... Furies.
GABRIEL- Hallejulah.
TZAPHIEL- Hallejulah indeed. Now then... I'll need a blood sacrifice...
GABRIEL- *grabbing a nearby civilian and messily tearing him in half* Check.
TZAPHIEL- ... And an Icon to summon them to.
GABRIEL- *producing a big novelty foam hand declaring that "Furies Are #1!"* Check.
*Tzaphiel puts on the big novelty foam hand and begins the summoning ritual*
TZAPHIEL- Uuz'bhed'urruu Rghao'vsoouz'nrua...
GABRIEL- Do we HAVE to use Furies to destroy Westminster? I mean, I have krak grenades...
TZAPHIEL- Where's the fun- and effectiveness- in that? Furies are ten gallons of ass-kicking in a five gallon jug, yo'.
GABRIEL- Point taken. So make with the sacrilege!
TZAPHIEL- You made me lose my place!
*Suddenly!*
MYSTERY VOICE 1- That's not all you'll lose!
MYSTERY VOICE- 2- Indeed, for a great deal more than your place will be lost!
MYSTERY VOICE 1- Yeah! Like your life! Muahahahaha!
TZAPHIEL- Who's that?
GABRIEL- I dunno... but they're good.
*Fabius wheels Kharn out from behind a pillar*
FABIUS- Thought you could escape us, eh?
TZAPHIEL- *shrugs* Owing to your utterly grotesque incompetence... yeah.
FABIUS- Well, you were wrong!
KHARN- DEAD wrong!
GABRIEL- Damn, they're really good.
TZAPHIEL- Yeah, they're really good... at being losers!
GABRIEL- OO-RAR!!!
MYSTERY VOICE 3- As amusing as I find all this witty banter...
GABRIEL- Yeah! As amusing as you being a loser!
TZAPHIEL- OO-RAR!!!
FABIUS- Damn, they're stealing our bit...
KHARN- Why I oughta...
TZAPHIEL- Oughta what? Not be a loser?
GABRIEL- OO-RAR!!!
MYSTERY VOICE 3- If I hear one more "witty" phrase that would often be associated with either pro-wrestling or a cheerleader's hissy-fit, there's gonna be a whole lotta pain... *pause* for you.
TZAPHIEL- Then show thyself!
*The owner of Mystery Voice 3 steps out of hiding to reveal himself...*
GABRIEL- Dum dum DUUUM!!!
TZAPHIEL- You don't have to say "dum dum DUUUM"... it's implied.
GABRIEL- Phooey.
*The owner of Mystery Voice 3 is... Typhus! He seems different from before... he has a crapload of bionics and augmetic limbs*
TYPHUS- Hiya.
TZAPHIEL- It's Typhus!
GABRIEL- I thought you died during the Eye of Terror campaign!
TYPHUS- Nay, I was but grievously wounded. But my devout followers rebuilt me with bionics and strengthened my body! Now I am stronger than ever! Half Typhus, half android! HENCEFORTH, I SHALL BE KNOWN AS... TYPHOID!!!
*long loaded pause*
*longer...*
*Tzaph and Gabe suppress a snigger*
GABRIEL- Laaaame...
TZAPHIEL- Typhoid? Pssh, I think I hear Influenza calling.
TYPHOID- You leave my mother out of this!
GABRIEL- *unlimbering accursed crozius* Don't sing it, bring it, mamma's boy.
FABIUS- *readying Rod of Torment* Bile shall whoop your ass Bile-tastically.
TZAPHIEL- *unsheathing Dark Blade* Hope you have a good doctor, 'cos I'm about to put the hurt on.
KHARN- *flailing IV tubes in a threatening manner* IT'S THWACKY TIME!!!
TYPHOID- Oh for Heaven's sake... if I wanted to hear stuff like this, I would have stayed at home and watched a pseudo-sport, like professional wrestling or Foxy Boxing. But, pain is pain... *readies Manreaper*
*The five close in on each other, ready to strike, when suddenly!*
GABRIEL- Dum dum DUUUM!!!
TZAPHIEL- For the last time, it's implied!
GABRIEL- Don't harsh my buzz, square.
*Anyway... suddenly, a menacing winged figure flashes past, and settles on a nearby low wall*
MYSTERY FIGURE- CEASE!!!
ALL- WTF!?
MYSTERY FIGURE- *pointing to Tzaphiel* YOU!!! TZAPHIEL!!! NOW YOU DIE!!!
TZAPHIEL- I'm not Tzaphiel! Errr... *pointing to Gabriel* He is!
GABRIEL- Hey, ass!
TZAPHIEL- I'm just trying to divert daemonic rage onto you... geez... why can't you be a team player for once?
MYSTERY FIGURE- ENOUGH!!! I AM TIRED OF YOUR BANAL DRIBBLINGS!!!
*pause*
TZAPHIEL- ... You said "banal"... right?
MYSTERY FIGURE- ... YES.
TZAPHIEL- God, that's a relief...
MYSTERY FIGURE- ANYWAY... NOW YOU...
TZAPHIEL- 'Cos, y'know, that would just be nasty otherwise...
MYSTERY FIGURE- SHUT UP!!!
TZAPHIEL- I mean, you probably wouldn't be the only one who'd get tired of it... I'd be downright annoyed...
MYSTERY FIGURE- SILENCE!!!
GABRIEL- Isn't it kind of contradictory to shout "silence"?
MYSTERY FIGURE- ENOUGH!!! *huge eruption of dark energy and light* NOW THEN... TZAPHIEL!!! YOUR TREACHERY WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED!!! NO-ONE DRUGS ME, PUSHES ME OUT OF A PLANE, AND LIVES TO BOAST ABOUT IT!!! *pause* well... not for long anyway... yeah.
TZAPHIEL- Wait! That must mean that you're... you're...
MYSTERY FIGURE- YES TZAPHIEL... YES!!!
TZAPHIEL- You're... *gasp*... Aunt Petunia?
*pause*
MYSTERY FIGURE- ... YES TZAPHIEL!!! IT IS I, DAAASLEAH!!! *thunderclap* ... yeah.
TZAPHIEL- That was my second guess.
GABRIEL- Moron.
DASLEAH- NOW TZAPHIEL, PREPARE TO PAY THE PRICE!!!
*Tzaphiel and Dasleah leap to battle*
FABIUS- So... what, are they ignoring us now?
TYPHOID- I've had under a dozen lines, and the writer's cutting me out already? Laaame.
KHARN- I like bagels.
The fight of the century is under way! Dasleah versus Tzaphiel! Who will win? Who knows? Who cares? And what of Argrath and Berial, being pursued by Abaddon and Ahriman? All these questions and more will be answered in Traitors, Part Five!
