old pond

  frog

 splash

    !

Karl questioned my imagination, which led me to pontificate once more on my own version, which follows:

   old pond;













     the sound 
       of a frog's

      splash-in

"Mine focuses on the sound of the splash, which I consider crucial. In yours, we can imagine the sound of the splash but it's not necessarily central. Also, in mine it's just the pond and the sound of the splash; Yours has a frog in the middle, which I consider distracting. That is, yours is three scenes: pond, frog and splash; mine just the comparison of the pond with the sound. Yours also short-changes the stillness of the pond. I have a colon and white space for that--and my use of the word, "sound" greatly increases the likelihood that the reader will immediately imagine the absence of sound preceding the sound.

"To each his own."

COMMENTS

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