|
8 November 2004. I'm a perpetual reviser. So, it's no surprise that yesterday, as I was sorting through my files to find works to use in my presentation, I found one I immediately saw a way (I thought) to improve:
What I changed was the quotient--the haiku at the top. It had been, "slate-grey old rowboat's/ constant knocking against its dock/ at the marsh's edge." What I didn't like about it was "old," which is over-used, especially in haiku, and not as particularizing as "peeling paint" or some image could be. The latter has too many syllables for this haiku, of course, but I tried to think of a better adjective. "Worn?" A little better, I think. Then came "battered," and changes to the entire first line so as not to exceed five syllables: "battered grey rowboat's."
By now, I was really into the scene. "Grey" didn't work for me. Too grey, and no rowboat of my past was grey, that I could remember. Not that that should matter, but it did. Ack. As I played with the poem's wording, I realized I had eight syllables in the second line. I don't think I'd known that. I'm no stickler for the 5/7/5 syllable scheme in haiku but this one I wanted to be traditional.
Meanwhile, I couldn't think of a one-syllable color that worked for me. Red was too bright, blue too primary (as was red, also). Black would emphasize the darkness of the scene too much. Brown was a possibility but didn't click for me, for some reason. Then came the inspiration to color it unseen! Mystery. Right after that I warped "constant knocking" into the three syllables of "small noises," which most readers, I thought, would identify as knocking noises. I like the result. I think the poem is now finished.
|