6 March 2004. Today's topic is my mixture of megalomania and modesty. O often wonder about them, particularly about their near-inseparability. A splendidly positive review of Xerolage 30, a collection of my visual poems, that Gregory Vincent St. Thomasino posted at his blog yesterday got me thinking about them again. (Note, in case I forgot to mention it in any of my earlier entries, Geof Huth also posted a highly complimentary review of my collection; it appeared at his blog on 2 February, my birthday.)

In his review, Gregory termed me "a compulsive explainer," quoting me on myself in my forword to Xerolage 30. What does this have to do with my megalomania and modesty? Well, I think a main reason I work so hard to explain what I'm doing is that I megalomaniacally think what I'm doing is mind-disintegratingly terrific. I also (more often, I suspect) believe that it's worthless. Yet--because my megalomania is apparently inextinguishable--I then still believe it needs to be explained. The reason? Because of all it's trying to do that others can succeed in doing if they take the time to understand what I was trying to do, and why. I can never believe that I'm not at least showing the world possibilities.

Of course, another main reason I love to explain, and a reason that's outside megalomania/modesty, is simply that I'm fascinated by the workings of the human mind. I love to pursue why people do what they do--including me, a person as unrelated to me personally as anyone else when I'm trying to figure him out. Or so it seems to me. I spend so much time with him only because I'm near him so much (to more or less repeat the way Thoreau defended his focus on autobiography).

I'm sure I will return to this topic before long. I've had too tough day today to say more on it now--I had what I'm pretty sure is a kidney stone attack. I have such attacks once every five or ten years. This one I think I repulsed by drinking several quarts of water, and jogging for fifteen minutes, and being otherwise physically active for most of an hour. The attack wasn't severe, but it worried me. I can't afford any more medical bills. Just had a huge one for a shoulder ache that turned out due to a bone spur in my neck plus bad posture. I needed an MRI, which was the big expense. The physical therapy, three sessions, wasn't cheap, either. It seems to have worked, so I can't complain. Just don't want no more medical expenses, just yet.