1999 CJRL AUCTION DRAFT
Back row, from left: Dave (No-Names), John Michael (formerly the Pulverizers), Debbie (DNTs), Larry (Terminators), George (Knuckle Knockers), Art (Super Kings), Jim (Devil Dogs), Bill (Spiders), Joe (Cassville Crew), and Tom (Hub City Skels).
Kneeling in front: Dave (Razmataz), Don (Razmataz), Tim (Spiders), Bob (Ladykillers) and Mike (Peacekeepers).
Not pictured: Mike (Knuckle Knockers).
The 1999 CJRL Auction Draft was held at Joe Schott's house in scenic Jackson, New Jersey. The league was forced to find a new draft location after being banned from Rova Farms Bar and Restaurant in Jackson after only one year as the official draft site. An incident involving Jim Lyons of the Devil Dogs and a lampshade was mentioned as the deciding factor. When pressed for comment, Lyons stated "I thought everybody did that."
Joe's house was great for the draft and everything went well. The league appreciates Joe's hospitality. Dave Wilson of the No-Names has suggested that Joe's home would be even better for the CJRL draft if the weight-bearing wall between the living room and dining room were removed. "Joe is a team player. He'll do what it takes for the league" stated Wilson. The Razmataz partnership of Don Gasparo and Dave Searle added "We're bringing our whirlpool bath if there is going to be that much room."
Tom Kaminski of the Hub City Skels plays it cool after spiking the Diet Pepsi of Don Gasparo and Dave Searle of the Razmataz with rum. A dejected George Argento, first year partner in the Knuckle Knockers, is seated on the floor after finding out the draft was "BYOS"--Bring Your Own Seat.
The dreaded CJRL "Booby Prize" hat can be seen on the table. The Razmataz exercised a loophole in the CJRL By-Laws that states the previous year's last place team must wear the booby hat at the next year's draft UNLESS that team is in its rookie CJRL season.
Art Johnson of the Super Kings attacked the camera man after losing out on a bid for F.P. Santangelo. In a tirade reminiscent of Sean Penn, Johnson attacked with a sharpened instrument shouting "Damn paparazzi! I'll show you!" The camera man suffered only minor injuries and refused treatment. The only real damage was a $30.00 cleaning bill to remove the ink from his shirt.
After Mike Chodroff of the Peacekeepers noticed a pattern of quick counts on bids involving Jim Lyons of the Devil Dogs, he accused the auctioneer of the grevious offense of "quick counting" (see CJRL By-Laws, section III, article 98). The auctioneer quickly fessed up, and stated "Dad said no more driving lessons unless I helped him out. I didn't want to do it I tells ya! I also accepted $2.35 from Coach (Wilson of the No-Names) to help him or he would bench me." From Coach Wilson, "I don't recall any cash payments--I just asked him to keep everything on the up and up." Jim Lyons was not forthcoming in his statement, "You want the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" Other than the fraudulent practices, the auctioneer did a wonderful job for us, and the CJRL appreciates his help.
In a bit of lighthearted fun during the draft, a mentally challenged Bob Taylor of the Ladykillers is shown imitating his favorite Detroit Red Wing, Sergei Vanintonfsky. A confused Debbie Streckenbein of the DNTs is doing her best impression of Bob Taylor doing Sergei Vanintonfsky. This reporter caught up to the Red Wings star later that week. I asked him to do his impression of either Streckenbein or Taylor. Vanintonfsky replied "Impressions, I don't do impressions. My training is in psychology."
Several teams experienced a trance-like state during the 1999 draft. Here Debbie of the DNTs and Mike of the Peacekeepers are seen experiencing that state. It was during these trances that teams would inexplicably call out names like Kirt Manwaring, Razor Shines, and Chico Walker when it was their turn to put up a player for bid. After showing this picture to Fox Mulder of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, he explained that these episodes were voodoo curses. Mulder's partner Dana Scully pointed out the dark image in the background pulling hair from Chodroff's head. Mulder stated that with the team owner's hair in his possession, a voodoo witch doctor can temporarily control the person's actions. Using carbon dating, infrared lasers, and flipping a coin, it was determined that Joe Schott of the Cassville Crew was behind the dastardly deeds. Schott reportedly stated "First I will control the Central Jersey Rotisserie League, then I will control the world!"
As can be seen, Debbie of the DNTs is attempting to steal team secrets from the Devil Dogs. Last year, Jim of the Devil Dogs was put on double-secret probation in the CJRL for stealing secret information from the DNTs. I seems that the DNTs have it in mind to return the favor.
John Michael, formerly of the Pulverizers, is celebrating picking up another big hitter for Hayley's Heroes. For the second straight year, John Michael pinch hit at the draft for his sister-in-law Joanne. Unfortunately, due to a violation of the "excessive celebrations" rule, John Michael has been barred from attending any CJRL-related events for life. When asked if he thought this was too harsh a penalty for John Michael, Larry of the Terminators stated: "I think he got what he deserved. All that 'in your face' and 'ha ha ha ha ha' each time he gets a player. To tell you the truth, I think we should've run him out of town on a rail!"
A real, live Dave of the Razmataz appeared at the CJRL Auction Draft in 1999. After much speculation that Razmataz co-owner Don actually suffered from multiple personality disorder and made his partner up, CJRL team owners were happy to know that both Don and Dave are doing well. However, it seems that Dave may need to catch up on his sleep, or start drinking Surge for the 2000 draft!
"Hmm. Kerry Wood. Is he any relation to Wilbur Wood?" Word has it that a computer virus will be unleashed at the 2000 Auction Draft on any team owner using a laptop computer. The virus will cause the computer's sound board to exclaim "Micky Morandini!" each time the team owner has his or her turn to put a player up for bid. The Razmataz has already upgraded their anti-virus software just in case.
Fed up with hearing about how unfair his Scott Rolen and Jermaine Allensworth for Jeff Blauser trade from three years ago was, Larry of the Terminators decides to use physical force on his father, Art of the Super Kings. After CJRL security broke up the melee, Art was heard offering Chico Walker to the Terminators for Jeff Bagwell.
Catching some zzz's, Larry of the Terminators is wondering if he can still get Barry Bonds for a quarter. It's hard to stay awake when you are figuring out if you can afford Julian Tavarez. A case of Jolt will be in order for 2000's Auction Draft.
Tom of the Hub City Skels deep in thought about whether or not he should pay more for his outfielders or his starting pitching. The question was answered when Tom stated "$6.25" for Rickey Henderson. Henderson was reached in the Mets clubhouse during a game, playing cards with Bobby Bonilla. Henderson stated "The Skels are gonna have to pay me what I'm worth, or I may get some pain in my legs, if you know what I mean."
Research is the name of the game. Last minute preparations are crucial. The battle rages on!
New Knuckle Knocker managing partner George did a good job during his first CJRL draft. He finished in the money, and put a lot of pressure on some veteran CJRL teams. Knuckle Knocker founder and partner Mike was reached as he was stationed in Germany saying "George is a baseball guy, and we want baseball guys. As a reward for his performance, I would like to announce that the Knuckle Knockers have exercised our option on George for another season."
The Spiders are a happy team. They have happy players. However, Tim and Bill will have to rebuild a pitching staff that was formerly the envy of the CJRL. Tim, pitching guru and scout for the Spiders, stated "We look for live arms, guys with some pop on that fastball. I know that I've taken a lot of heat over overusing Kerry Wood last year. But if you media guys call me a modern-day Billy Martin with pitchers, I'm going to sue!" Bill, hitting instructor and General Manager, later remarked "I don't know how we are gonna do this year. With my brother, who I like to call Billy Martin Jr., running our young arms onto the DL and over to Dr. Jobe's office, I just don't know what this year will bring."
Dave of the No-Names has finally put in his last "Fifty cents. Hey, I have to at least put one bid in." Bill of the Spiders has decided that he has all of his picks, and now it is up to his partner and brother Tim to get that power-hitting first baseman they have been looking for since last season.
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