Crybaby
You see it happen time and time again.
The father has a big job, a good job, a high-paying job. A job that occupies a lot of his time, takes him on the road, and keeps him away from home.
The father tries to raise his son, tries to teach him the difference between right and wrong. Tries to teach his son to be a man and not a baby. But he just isn't around enough.
Without a constant father figure, one of two things tend to happen. The kid ends up being either a headstrong bully, pushing around his mother and siblings, or a whimpering simp (Or a simpering wimp, your choice.) because he learns that whining can get you somewhere with mommy.
(By the way, I have no intention of singing "Cat's in the Cradle" at any point, so don't worry. Back now to the column, already in progress.)
Sometimes, however, both things happen.
The boy becomes equal parts bully and whiner.
The boy becomes Chris Jericho.
Jericho's father is retired NHL hockey player Ted Irvine. Good player, good man. I'm sure he tried his best with young Christopher. But he apparently wasn't there enough. Hey, you play half your games on the road in pro hockey.
And now all those chickens are coming home to roost with Chris Irvine, aka Chris Jericho.
One minute he's a bully, beating up ring announcer Dave Penzer and tearing his jacket. As I write this, he's already done that four or five times. Hey, Jericho, don't you think you're ready for a real challenge, like maybe Michael Buffer?
But when he's not bullying Penzer, Jericho is whining. Oh, I don't get any big matches or title shots. Oh, the fans don't recognize me for what I do. Even when he tries to talk nice to the fans, like when he discusses how seriously he takes being a role model, he does it in a tone so insincere that it makes even Gene Okerlund blush.
But, despite all that, Chris Jericho is a lucky man.
Why, you might well wonder?
Because I am Chris Jericho's friend. I see Chris' recent antics as nothing more than a nationally-televised cry for help. Chris Jericho is a friend in need.
And we all know that a friend in need needs friends, indeed. Or something.
In that vein, here are my suggestions to my good friend, Chris Jericho:
1) Cut the hair. Even the guys from Poison are wearing it above the collar these days. And if you don't want to cut the hair, wear one of those silly masks over it like the Mexicans so your relatives won't be embarassed by the way you act.
2) Watch tapes of your dad playing hockey. Okay, so maybe he couldn't be there in person that much. But he's still your dad, darn it. If you watch tapes of him playing, you might realize what a rough, tough, hard-working honorable man he was and become the same. Of course, you might realize he had no touch around the net, too.
3) Get a young valet. Only this time, bring her on camera.
4) Kill Dave Penzer. That way, that'll be over with and we won't have to worry about you embarassing yourself repeatedly. I doubt murder charges would be filed, to tell the truth, because who the heck is gonna miss Penzer?
5) Hire a manager. My suggestion is Eric Bischoff, because at least that way you'll be on television a lot. If you don't want to go NWO, my only other suggestion would be to hire anybody but Teddy Long.
6) Wrestle Louie "Innovator of Boredom" Spicolli and Bobby "Hard to Watch Work" Walker. A couple of easy wins would do your confidence a world of good.
7) Change your nickname from Lion Heart to Lyin' Heart. Truth in packaging.
8) Align yourself with Bret Hart. Hey, all Canadian citizenship has brought you so far is high taxes, a worthless dollar, the heartache of all your NHL teams moving to the United States, the additional heartache of the U.S. winning the World Cup of Hockey, and the upcoming heartache of the U.S. winning Olympic hockey gold. You may as well milk something from being a hoser. Bret likes to surround himself with people that aren't as smart as him. You're Canadian, so you likely fill the bill.
All of the above suggestions aside, you know what's wrong with Chris Jericho?
I do.
And it's nothing a good spanking wouldn't cure.
Maybe several spankings.
