(DING DING DING) Andy Burton: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Yonkers, New York, weighing in at 287 pounds, "The Perfect Speciman" BROCK CARDEN! Dan: Here comes Brock Carden making his way down the aisle and he looks primed and ready for this one James! James: He a good ol country boy yo! Big duffy hick! Dan: Carden sliding into the ring and now he's warming up. Andy Burton: His opponent... He claims to be the best wrestler to ever set foot in this sport. He is a man of pure intensity. He is accompanied by Bishop, hailing from the Torture Chamber, standing 6 feet tall and weighing in at 240 pounds, here is .... "Human Torture Rack" IAN WALSH!!!! ["Human Torture Rack" Ian Walsh walks down the aisle. He is led by Bishop. Bishop is wearing black jeans that are loose fit on his legs, a tight, black t-shirt with no writing on it, black, combat boots, and he is wearing a long, black, leather trench coat. He is built. His face is clean shaven and his short, black hair is matted down. Bishop is carrying a Singapore cane. The cane rests on his shoulder as he walks a considerable distance in front of Ian Walsh. His face is one of stone. He looks at the nearby fans, but he pauses for nobody. "Human Torture Rack" Ian Walsh follows behind. He is wearing baggy, black sweat pants, and a red "Rutgers: Scarlet Knights" t-shirt. The t-shirt has a black knight's helmet and a white circle with the following written in black: "RUTGERSENSIS.IN NOVA.CAESAR(Part of it is covered by the black helemt on the shirt.).COLLEGII." Inside of that circle, a picture of the sun is shown with the following written around it: "SOL.IUSTITIAE.ET.OCCIDENTEM.ILLUSTRA". He also wears lack wrestling boots that go up to about mid-shin.] Dan: Look at the intensity on the face of Ian Walsh! James: IAN!!! IAN!!!!! IAN!!!!! [He is built, but not big. Ian is small in size, but he doesn't care. His face is one of stone and he pays no attention to the fans. He has a five-day scruff. His short, dirty blonde hair is matter down. His eyes show somewhat of a saddened look. The lights dim. The fans starts to jeer. They starts throwing things at Ian Walsh and Bishop. A mean look appears on Ian's face. He let's out a powerful yell and his veins pop up in his arms and in his neck. He looks around at the crowd with a mean look. He continues down the aisle way and you can feel the intensity coming from him. He slowly walks around ringside as Bishop enters the ring. He walks over to a wooden table and looks down at it. He gathers all of his strength and intensity and punches through the table. Ian walks over to the announcer's chair and folds it up. He takes the chair and starts smashing against the ring post like a mad man. When he finishes, the chair it is totaly bent out of shape.] James: Yo man, this cat must not like chairs too much son! ["Human Torture Rack" Ian Walsh enters the ring. He walks around the ring and pulls against the ropes. He shrugs his shoulders and tries to losen up. He walks over to Bishop and tells him to slap him in the face a few times. Bishop does so and makes Ian totaly mad. Ian grabs the microphone from the announcer.] "Human Torture Rack" Ian Walsh: "You people have really pissed me off. Now... Brock Carden is going to feel my wrath. Brock Carden will feel my pain and know what it is like to face the czar of torture. It's time that I show all of you what a real wrestler can do. Brock Carden, prepare to meet your demise!" [Ian throws the microphone at the announcer and he struggles to catch it. Ian yells at the announcer and the announcer just stands there and nods. Ian picks him up by his sports coat and throws him against the corner. He then storms around inside of the ring. Ian Walsh's theme music fades, and the bell rings.] Dan: And here we go! Carden immediately attacking Walsh before the bell, and smart move by the big man trying to take it to Walsh! Carden has him against the ropes and he's really taking it to Walsh and OH MY GOODNESS!!!! Walsh just pushed him away! Carden charges towards Walsh and WALSH CATCHES HIM COMING IN WITH A KICK TO THE CHEST!!! He turns him around and applies a swinging front-facelock! But Carden with the rake to the eyes! Carden grabs Walsh by the head and REVERSE NECKBREAKER BY CARDEN!!!! Carden with the cover..............one.............two.............and he only gets the two count! James: Dat was luck! Ian gonna KILL HIM SON! Dan: Carden in control now as he picks Walsh up and body slams him to the mat! Carden brings the big man up and forces him into the corner! And CARDEN WITH A HUGE CHOP TO THE CHEST!!!! And another one!!!!!! And another one!!!!!! But it doesn't seem to be even phasing Walsh! And Walsh grabs Carden and pushes him into the corner instead! Now Walsh with the chop to the chest!!!! And a second one!!!!! And a third one!!!!! Walsh lifting him up annnnnd BOO-YA!!!!!! NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX BY WALSH!!!! Walsh with the cover............one..........two...........and Carden kicks out! James: Yo man, where da HO'S at? Dan: Could you concentrate on the match just once James? Walsh picking up Carden and now he slaps on a full nelson! Referee Ramon De La Cerveza checking for the submission, but Carden refusing to give up! Walsh slapping on the pressure...Ramon asking Carden if he wants to submit. Carden shaking his head no! Walsh still applying the full nelson and OH MY GOODNESS!!!! HE turns it until a bulldog and drives Carden's head into the mat! And I know that had to take a lot out of Brock Carden! James: No diggidy! No doubt! Dan: Walsh bringing the dazed Carden to his feet and now he's placing him on the top turnbuckle. Walsh now going up and let's see what he's going to do here! Carden lifts him up and T-BONE SUPLEX OFF THE TOP ROPES!!!! What a show of strength and agility by Ian Walsh! And Walsh now in full control of this matchup! Walsh pulling him up and SPLATTERHOUSE!!!!! Big DDT into the knees by Ian Walsh! And I think we know what's coming next! James: He gonna make him scream like a b!*%# Dan: And there it is!!!! The IANMISSION!!!!!! Carden trying to hold on! Referee Ramon De La Cerveza checking him and HE GIVES UP!!!!!! And Ramon calling for the bell! (DING DING DING) Andy Burton: Here is your winner.........."HUMAN TORTURE RACK" IAN WALSH!!! Dan: Incredible win for Ian Walsh tonight on War, as he remains undefeated here in the AICW! And that has to be great momentum for him going into the biggest match of his AICW career next Sunday at Dangerous Games! James: He gonna kill ALL DEM HERBS BABY! Dan: Next up.... (A familiar-looking figure that appears to be a reincarnated, oversized Chris Farley in an undersized black leather jacket and sunglasses hops the barricade.) Dan: HEY! That's Harry Huckleberry! James: I think he got fatter yo! (Harry Huckleberry gets in the ring and pulls a cordless microphone from his jacket pocket.) Hot Stuff: Alright, everybody just shut your mouths and listen up, because "Hot Stuff" Harry Huckleberry's got somethin' to say! (crowd jeers) Dan: Doesn't he always? Hot Stuff: (sweat beading up on his forehead) For almost nine months now, "Hot Stuff" has been puttin' asses in the seats for this lousy fed, without ever getting a long-term, lucrative contract like some of these other fat pretty-boy wannabes have been getting! The suits up in New York don't know what the fans want! Whenever "Hot Stuff" was on the show, you knew you were gettin' your money's worth! The standing ovations I got were deafening! I got so many bras and panties thrown at me, the ring looked like a FREAKIN' LINGERIE SHOW! (laughter mixed with jeers) Dan: I don't know about that one! Harry Huckleberry wasn't exactly "a ladies man" James: Word up! He gots NO PLAY! Hot Stuff: (sweating profusely) But I still never got the offer! Today, my contract with the AICW was officially up! And so I waited by the phone, waiting for that all-important call...it was around 1:30 today when the phone finally rang. Yeah, it was the doorman at my luxurious hotel calling to tell me that my pizzas had arrived, over an hour and a half late! Dan: Oh please! James: Come on man! You know how important food is to that fat n!&&@ Dan! Hot Stuff: Well, you can imagine what a lousy mood that put me in! When I showed up at the AICW offices today, they had a contract waiting for me...but did I sign it? (shakes his head) Nooooo way! I'm not signing anything until I get what I want, when I want it! A superstar of my caliber has needs, you know! Dan: Superstar? James: YEAH RIGHT!!! Hot Stuff: As of today, I am a free agent! So if anybody wants my services, this is an open invitation to anybody--well, anybody with the cash, that is! Show me the money! Dan: "Hot Stuff" Harry Huckleberry is "a free agent?" Hot Stuff: Now, the AICW seems to have went out and trademarked the "Hot Stuff" name...so from this day forward, you can just call me... BUTCH!!!! Dan and James: BUTCH??? Butch: And my services will go to the highest bidder! But be warned, they don't come cheap! (takes a handkerchief out of his jacket pocket and begins wiping the perspiration from his brow) James: I'll make a bid! A penny yo! I need a bed to bang my ho's on! Butch: Roll out the offers! Show me the money! Dan: Well it doesn't look like Harry has too many takers! Butch: The offer's not gonna be on the table forever! (long pause as the silence is broken by an occasional cat-call from a fan) James: I said a penny yo! Butch: Dangerous Games is comin' up, I'm sure somebody could use a bodyguard! Dan: Yeah, Harry's got a good point there! Butch: Okay, first person out here with some cash! My services to the first person to come through the curtain! Dan: Let's see if anybody comes! (A familiar voice breaks through the arena sound system.) Voice: (cracks) BREAK IT DOWN!!! (The Degeneration Y theme music blares throughout the arena as Mr. Y, Y-Pac, and Samu-Y walk down the aisle.) Dan: OH GOD!!! DEGENERATION Y??? (Mr. Y is wearing a black leather jacket and Y-shirt, and his mask now has a large "Y" right in the center. Y-Pac is also wearing a black leather jacket and a D-Y T-shirt, and he has a Mr. Y mask rolled up around his head like a bandana. Samu-Y is wearing a black ninja outfit with little Y-patterns on it and a smiley face on the sash, and the Y-mask has slanted eyes.) Dan: DEgeneration Y making their way into the ring with their newest member, Hediki Chono, now know as....Samu-Y? James: HI-YAH!!! (Mr. Y pulls a cordless mic out of his jacket.) Mr. Y: (voice cracks) YEAH! (crowd jeers) Y-Pac: Yo Butch, a little hard up for money these days? Well...(tossing a coin at him) here's a quarter, do us all a favor and go call Jenny Craig! (crotch-chops) BOO-YA! Dan: Now come on. I think that was totally uncalled for! James: (laughing) Oh snap! He got DISSED!!!!! Mr. Y: (voice cracks) Yeah, that's right! Now get lost, fat boy! Nobody wants to hear your (voice cracks) SOB story! Yeah, that's right! Everybody came out here to see (shrieking) DEGENERATION Y!!! (Y-Pac crotch-chops at the fans) That's right! (crowd jeers) Dan: Well the fans not too thriled to be seeing Degeneration Y here, contrary to Mr Y's opinion! (Butch raises his microphone and attempts to speak, but the power to the microphone appears to have been cut) Dan: Well Butch's microphone apperas to be turned off and now he is making his way to the back shouting something angrily at D-Y! James: He scared yo! Mr. Y: Now, you said somethin' about the AICW's pay-per-view this Sunday...that's right, Dangerous Games! Yeah! The big show! From (voice cracks) New York! That's right, the Big Apple! City that never sleeps! At Madison Square (voice cracks) Garden! Yeah! Now, as everybody knows, you just can't have a big show like that without (shrieking) DEGENERATION Y!!! (Y-Pac crotch-chops at the fans) Yeah, that's right! (more jeers) Dan: Well I guess we can, becuase D-Y isn't on the card! Mr. Y: Now all you Phoenicians just shut your (voice cracks) HOLES for a minute--yeah, that's right! Your HOLES!! I got stuff to say... Dan: Phoenicians???? James: Yeah kid! Dat's fat! Let me write that down! Mr. Y: That's right--STUFF! Yeah! See...(reaches in his jacket and pulls out a crumpled Dangerous Games souvenir program) "In the Main (voice cracks) Event, AICW Champion Chandler Stone will wait in the ring while seven other athletes go around Madison Square Garden trying to collect three flags." Yeah, that's right! Three flags! I can do that! Dan: Mr Y refering to the Main Event, the highly anticipated Dangerous Games challenge! Mr. Y: Now who do we got here? Byron Brady? The "Hard Line"? I'd make him walk the "Hard Line," alright! I'd lay the hard line down on his butt! Yeah, that's right! His (voice cracks) butt! (Y-Pac crotch-chops at the fans) Dan: I bet you Mr Y wouldn't say that to Brady's face! James: Yeah, cause it's TOO UGLY! Mr. Y: Big D? Yeah, the D stands for (voice cracks) DUMMY! Yeah, that's right! (Y-Pac crotch-chops) "Honest" Nicky De Niro? I'll be honest and say he honestly (voice cracks) SUCKS! That's right! He sucks! (fans jeer as Y-Pac crotch-chops) ... Dan: Fans, thankfully we have to go to a commercial break! Hopefully Mr Y will be gone when we get back!