Dan: Welcome back to War! I understand that we have a tape from a press confrence held eariler today giving by Alex Raptor! Raptor has not been too happy lately with the AICW's Inoki Cup Champion! James: Hell yeah! Devon Burke be "playa hating" Raptor, and "kid fresh" ain't HAVIN IT!!! Dan: Let's roll the footage! [A wooden podium, much like one that candidates for political office would stand behind for a debate, is set up in the middle of the ring. On the front of the podium, just below the microphone is a large silver placard with bold letters reading 'RSPWF TOP 50 CRUISERWEIGHTS POLL.' "Juice/Know the Ledge" by Eric B. and Rakim resonates throughout the arena. Alex Raptor, sporting a red Stanford University baseball cap and a black 'www.WHO'S-THE-BOSS?.com' t-shirt, saunters his way up to the microphone, clears his throat and gets set to launch into one of his patented tirades. Strangely, Raptor has brought a large sack of some sort with him, with the stenciled letters IDAHO across the tan burlap] RAPTOR: "I have a full agenda to cover today, so I don't need distractions from any of you welfare whites out there." [crowd is unruly, boos are deafening] "So what I am going to do, is give you s#!theads your 15 seconds of fame. That's right; Don't point the camera at me, I get enough airtime Mr. Camera Man, point it at THESE MORONS!" [Alex gestures to the rowdy masses, camera pans through the first 50 rows or so, spanning the circumference of the floor seats, as excited fans are all jumping up and down, waving their signs and mugging it up for the camera] RAPTOR: [as the television monitor captures the raucous fans in all their dorkdom] "Look at you all... you're the bottom rung of the ladder. What's the combined IQ? I got news for you all, you can cheer for me, because I am the ONLY ONE giving you losers your 15 seconds of fame; so you can either take it, or go climb some bridge for it." [another hearty round of boos and catcalls] "If any of you trodlights out there have an ounce of sense in your peabrains, you'll now shut your pieholes, open your ears and get ready, because I am about to 'flow like Christ when I 'speaks' the gospel'! Before I forge ahead though, I need to pass along a vitally important message. Now I'm not one to ever address my employer -which seems to be en vogue lately- but I would be remiss if I didn't mention a little something to Commissioner Otero. And since everybody else is getting in their little 'shoot' lately, then why the hell not." [the hostile crowd starts to settle down] "At any rate, Ms. Otero, 'Argie,' if I may, I notice a preponderance of people throwing their weight amongst other things around your office lately as well as laying their hands on you; But the remedy is just a phone call away. So maybe if you'd just release that DEATH GRIP you've got on YOUR WALLET, then perhaps we could do business. Remember just like 'The Boss' says, "This gun's for hire, even if we're just Dancin' In the Dark." But I think I'd rather Lambada with Juan LeFon. [grabbing his index cards] "First order of business is a brown-nosing little plebian by the name of Private Gomer Marshall." [crowd pops at the mention of Alliance member Cadet Lance Marshall] "Private, before you come out here calling MY name, isn't there a matter of you scrubbing the latrine or something of that nature? That's what I thought. You can start with the toilet in the Alliance locker room, and I'll have you know, I just finished squeezing a colossal yam in there, so you may want to go and drink the fragrant scent in before it dissipates. I've been told it smells like strawberry ice cream. As a special treat -just for you Private- I had eggs and beans for breakfast, so the logs slid right out of the old poop-shute, dingleberry free; Plus I didn't even flush, I left you a nice 'Jack-In-The-Box'. When you are done with that [grabs the large burlap sack and dumps out several potatoes] I have these for you to peel. That should keep you busy for at least a little while. So when you get home after doing your duty, you better keep your feisty b!&*# in line, chump, because I'll think nothing of doing an Ike Turner to her Tina and pimp smackin' that little wench back into the kitchen where she belongs. You obviously aren't man enough to keep your woman in line, so maybe I'LL have to do it for you if she doesn't shut her cakehole." [crowd is booing profusely] "Next issue is Big Douche Bag, Devon Burke..." [the loudest of pops drowns out Raptor as he waits impatiently for the crowd to calm down] "I know you don't have a phone in that Adobe you live in, so perhaps one of your 'cohorts' can ride a burro into your village and pass along my sentiments to you. Now the crack staff at the home office of the ALEX RAPTOR FOR TOP CRUISERWEIGHT COALITION has done a little more research, and it turns out that your old man was a little too beefy to be an official cruiserweight. This deception was hard to detect at that time, because the scales were just a couple of cactuses rigged to a string. That doesn't surprise me though, because where you live Burke, the main form of currency is still wampum and arrowheads, plus I've heard that you have a dirt floor in your livingroom. So aside from pops being a cheater, which I see has been generously passed downstream in the Burke gene pool, it turns out 'dad's' only cruiserweight competition at that time was pygmy Navajo midgets. Yes. Pygmy Navajo Midgets. So you do the math, foolio; which I am certain will be monumentally hard, judging by that half a college you attended. [crowd is unruly, intervals of thrown beverages pelt the base of the podium] On a lighter note, I feel compelled to acknowledge some people who helped elevate me to where I am today. At this time, I wish to thank the many 'contributors' to the ALEX RAPTOR FOR TOP CRUISERWEIGHT campaign, which is a poll dedicated to the REAL cruiserweights of this profession, and these philanthropists are: first and foremost THE BOSS, George Costanza, The Don James Garibaldi, Linda Evans, San Francisco Cannabis Club proprietor and freak ticket candidate for Governor Dennis Perron, Rip Torn, Charlie Ward, Tony Danza, Adam Horovitz, Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf ('hey, go have sex with Jesus Christ'), Lyle Lovett, and Christina Applegate. Without the generous financial backing of the aforementioned, I wouldn't have my palatial headquarters in scenic and snooty Palo Alto, CA, nor would I have my NEW Jeep Grand Cherokee, horny debutantes like Donna Rice or even this lovely podium, which provides me a dignified platform from which to educate the inbred masses. Thank you very much!" [cut to commentators] Dan: This guy is just simply outrageous! James: (still laughing) Dat's one funny n!%%@ yo! Dan: And look at this!!!! The Throbbing Members are sitting at ringside! Look at some of the outrageous signs they are holding up! (The camera gets a shot at Stephon T. Davis and "Sunset" Tommy Jobber. Davis is holding up a sign which says "Kelly Lynn...Pet My Member!" Jobber is waving a sign that says "Im hung like a Horse") Dan: These guys just have no class whatsoever! Now our next match should be a dandy folk! "Human Torture Rack" Ian Walsh, will go up against..... (Suddenly, Danny Moore, the man who was decimated by Frenzy after His partner turned on Him two weeks ago comes down the aisle, wearing a jean vest, black shirt and blue jeans. Nothing at all like His usual manic self, His face is set and he looks extremely focused and determined. stepping through the ring ropes, "The Masochist" grabs the microphone, looking around at the mostly-hostile audience) Dan: Well Danny Moore wasn't scheduled to be here... Danny: I know that I'm not exactly in you people's top ten of favorite wrestlers.........Hell, I'm probably not in the top 500 of most of your favorite wrestlers.......but I've got somethin' that needs to be said......and this is the supposed Fair age of the AICW, now that we've got Kelly Lynn as comissioner....so I'm gonna TALK.....and Please, you all are gonna listen....okay? (Pauses, listening to the crowd, then shakes His head, chuckling at the response) Danny: Sorry.....I shouldn't find this funny....that i need to come out here and beg in a public arena......what I'm gonna say has to be said....Legion.... you survived the Breakup of the Demonweb pretty well......Osmosis? you survived the breakup of the Demonweb pretty well............Mr. Y? Hell.........you've got your new stable............Steve Dunne.....you survived the breakup of the Demonweb.......and where does that leave Me? (Shrugs) It doesn't seem to matter to anyone. after all, I'm just some little garbage wrestler with a knack for going through tables. (Pauses....a bit more worked up now) Danny: Let Me tell you people for a minute what pain is......I thought I knew pain............Pain used to be going out there every night in Japan...and getting stabbed, or blown up, or set on fire, or dropped onto a thousand thumbtacks, or smashed off cement.......pain was being here in America and going through chairs, tables, whatever. Need someone to cause a distraction? Need someone to take a nasty bump so you can blindside someone? Jus' ask the masochist.........He loves Pain, right? (dry chuckle) Well.......I thought I knew Pain.....but the fact is.........I idolized......I IDOLIZED Two men....in the AICW.......One's gone.......I don' know where......or on what terms..... I jus' know the Big Man is gone..........and the second.........(Shaking his head) Steve Dunne......(looking at the camera....his face is torn, as if he's about to start blubberin') you were the REASON, the REASON, I got into wrestlin' Man..................we've been through better times, and worse times together....I can't understand what you did man............I want to talk.... but if you want to keep the team broken up, that's okay......I had a match thursday night.....against El Augila Negro..............Not one brawling move did I execute in that match.......(smile) not one.......I'm an athelete... and I can make a damn good singles wrestler......... (Trails off as Steve Dunne and Christina O come down the aisle, looking faintly amused) Danny: Steve? (Steve and Christina O. enter the ring...Danny backs up a bit, but Steve remains in front of him, while christina moves to the side) Danny: what are you guys doin' here? Steve: (Gesturing for the microphone) you know Danny............not to crush your singles aspirations............because any good wrestling fan knows about your singles days in japan.........but I'm starting to regret what I did on that Monday night WAR, walking away from you in the Frenzy match and all that. Danny: you are? Steve: (Nods) yeah..........I think the thing I regret most is that I didn't cripple your scrawny ass Myself!! (Lunges in as Christina O nails Danny in the back of the head with a spin kick. Danny staggers foreward and Steve nails him in the face with the microphone....Danny drops, holding his face, as officials swarm the ring, trying to hold back steve dunne) Steve: I'm gonna end your career, you pathetic little waste of life......end your career! You don't belong in this fed! you're worthless.......you're nothing! Nothing Danny...............you're dirt! you're (BEEP)! (Officials manage to get Steve out of the ring.....christina O meets him at ringside, whispering something to him.......in the ring, Danny moore sits, holding His bloody face and blubbering like a baby) Dan: This guy Steve Dunne has some nerve attacking Danny Moore like this! He's a dirtbag! James: Dunne is DA MAN! He putting that chump in his place! Dan: We'll be right back after these messages! Don't go away!