AICW Monday Night War Monday April 20th,1998 Live From The Key Arena, Seattle Washington (The camera pans around the sold out Key Arena as "The Russian National Anthem" blast throughout the arena. The crowd looks on with interest as Dima "The Russian Powerhouse" Lerminsky makes his way down towards the ring. He is dressed in an all red suit and does not look very happy as he argues with many of the fans who make fun of him. Dima continues to jaw with some of the fans until he finally reaches the ring. He climbs into the ring, walks over to Andy Burton and snatches the microphone away from him.) Dima "The Russian Powerhouse" Lerminskiy: SHUT UP!!!! (The crowd begins to chant "USA" repeatedly) SHUT UP AND SHOW DIMA SOME RESPECT!!!! (The crowd continues to chant "USA" as well as shout and taunt Dima) Pathetic Capitalist DOGS! You people make me SICK! The ENTIRE AICW makes me SICK!!!! You are not worthy to hear the words of the great DIMA! (The crowd laughs at Dima and makes fun of him more.) BE QUIET!!! (the crowd chants even louder. Dima tries to talk above the noise.) This AICW makes me SICK!!! I travel all the way to MOSCOW, RUSSIA for Saturday Night Heat! I stood outside the Moscow Arena for 6 HOURS in the COLD and the SNOW awaiting for the AICW to open the arena! And what happens? THEY DON'T SHOW UP! (The crowd laughs and chants "Idiot" repeatedly at Dima) Dima: I say SHUT UP!!! Then, to make matters worst, I walk over to the only television in city of Moscow and turn it on! And there I see Saturday Night Heat being broadcast from MOSCOW, IDAHO! America is WEAK!!! How dare they name one of their cities after the great Soviet Capital MOSCOW! And they have nerve to name city in this "potato state" after Russian City? You will PAY for this act of high treason AICW! For DIMA is fed up with the treatment that you have giving me, and I will NOT take it anymore!!! (Dima throws the microphone down as the Monday Night War music plays in the background. The camera pans over to AICW commentator Dan "The Man" Chan who is sitting at the broadcast booth. Dan is wearing his usual black suit and tie as Dima walks over and takes a seat next to him.) Dan "The Man" Chan: Good Evening everybody and welcome to MONDAY NIGHT WAR!!!! I'm your host Dan Chan and joining me today is my very disgruntled collegue Dima Lerminskiy! So, how was your trip to Russia Dima? Dima Lerminskiy: SHUT UP DAN!!! Before you find yourself a victim to the RUSSIAN ROULETTE!!! Somebody will PAY for this tonight! And the gun can go off at any moment! Dan: Nevertheless, we have a great show for you all tonight! In the Main Event, The AICW Television Champion "The Convict" Oswald Bates will defend the title against the up and coming superstar Rebel! Dima: Both this Bates and this Rebel are PATHETIC! Especially this "confederate" Rebel! If he comes near me, I will CRUSH him like the American BUG that he is! Dan: We also have a great match as two former friends "Pretty Boy" Troy Walcott and Riverstorm lock up in action! Dima: There is no friends in the sport of wrestling! You should never trust anybody! Especially if they are AMERICAN! Dan: We also have a very interesting matchup between Chandler Stone and Tuxe.... Dima: (covers Dan's mouth) You IDIOT!!! This Chandler owns the rights to the name of that cartoon character! If you say his name you have to pay Chandler money! The capitalism in this country makes me sick! Dan: Oops! We have some tag team action for you tonight as The Roadkillers do battle against The Golden Cavalry! And finally, two of the AICW's top rookies will face off as Zeek Monkey steps into the ring against Goat Ninja! What a great card we have for you tonight! Without further ado, let's go to Andy for our first match! (DING DING DING) Dan Chan: We're about to get our first match underway here and it should be a real barnburner. Two of our most... uh... unorthodox superstars geting ready to battle. Dima: In Russia, we wrap crazies in sheets and beat them with reeds! (The lights fall, and "Macabre Tavern" by The Church begins.) Dan Chan: Oh no, it's The Firm. Dima: These greasy Italians think they run the show... (Vic Garibaldi appears, and knocks fists with some fans on the way to the broadcast table.) Vic Garibaldi: Hey, Yakov, I hear there's a bunch of capitalist swine stripping your Yugo out in the lot. You better check that out, huh? Dima: Imperialist Pig Dogs!! (Dima throws down his headset and storms away as Vic puts the headset on.) Vic Garibaldi: How goes it, Chan Man? Dan Chan: May I ask just what you're doing here? Vic Garibaldi: Observing. Looking at the new blood. I haven't seen the bottom of a card in a long time, DC. Dan Chan: Be that as it may, let's go to Andy Burton. Andy Burton: The following contest is scheduled for one fall!! Currently in the ring, from Nightmareland, weighing in at 245 pounds... ZEEK MONKEY!! (Zeek Monkey holds up his bag. He pushes some hair from his face.) Zeek: MY FRIEND!!! You can't have him!! Dan Chan: Certainly an odd character is Zeek Monkey. Vic Garibaldi: He's about my size, but nowhere near my class. Cesar ought to give this looney a makeover. Andy Burton: And his opponent... from Tyler, Texas... weighing in at 257 ponds, here is... GOAT NINJA!! Vic Garibaldi: Another looney. The hell is that in his hand? Dan Chan: That's a crowbar, Vic. Vic Garibaldi: Interesting.... Dan Chan: Referee James Roma ready to call this one, Goat Ninja with a slight size advantage. Vic Garibaldi: But Danny if it was all size, I wouldn't have held the International belt as long as I did. Dan Chan: Here we go with the lockup and Goat Ninja getting the edge. He backs Zeek into the corner and Roma asking for a clean break. Ninja's going to give it to him. OH NO! Zeek with a thumb in the eye! Vic Garibaldi: Gets him an early edge, Dan, don't knock it. Dan Chan: Indeed it does. As does that blantant low blow, Roma's backing off Zeek Monkey, as Zeek laughs. Vic Garibaldi: Gotta admit, it was pretty funny. Dan Chan: You make it sound like he's Firm material, Garibaldi. Vic Garibaldi: He's got no finesse, look at this potzer, stomping on Goat Ninja. Big guy like Ozzy has more finesse than this guy. Dan Chan: Well, Vic, Zeek Monkey is a hardcore wrestler, and like his style or not, he goes out there and gets violent. He takes it up a notch in that ring. He's pulling Goat Ninja up to his feet, and BOO-YAA!! Drops him with a big headbutt, and Goat Ninja hit the mat hard. Vic Garibaldi: You get the early edge and you don't let up. That's how you-- what the hell is he doing? Dan Chan: He looks like he's trying to get Ninja up... and DOWN!!! A sidewalk slam, and he made it look easy. And he's back to stomping on Goat Ninja. Pulls him to his feet and an Irish whip sends the Goat into the corner. Zeek Monkey going for a splash and.... NOOOOOOO!!! Goat Ninja gets down, and I think Zeek Monkey might have caught the post in the face!! Vic Garibaldi: I'll tell ya, Dan, that ain't pretty. Dan Chan: Absolutely not. And now it's Zeek Monkey going for a ride. Into the ropes and... a kick to the gut, followed by a fast European Uppercut. Back into the ropes goes Monkey... coming back and a BIIIIG Backdrop that sends the starnge Zeek Monkey to the floor. Vic Garibaldi: I'll tell you, this is where Zeek can get dangerous... Dan Chan: Yes indeed. Goat Ninja on the apron as Zeek is getting up, and BOO-YA! Flying ax-handle drops Zeek Monkey again. Vic Garibaldi: BOO-YA!! The hell does that mean? Dan Chan: What does 'fahgettaboutit' mean? Goat Ninja getting on top of Zeek Monkey... Vic Garibaldi: Call the GWO! Dan Chan: Will you stop? And hammering away is Goat Ninja! Audience: One.. two.. three.. four.. five.. six.. seven.. eight.. nine.. Dan Chan: Punishing blows by Goat Ninja as he sends Zeek Monkey for a ride... BAM!!! Right into the barrier! Vic Garibaldi: You know why he only hit him nine times?? Dan Chan: I'm afraid to ask... Vic Garibaldi: Nobody in Seattle can count to ten!! Heh heh, fahgettaboutit. Dan Chan: Let Jerry Lawler be Jerry Lawler, okay? As we see Goat Ninja taking the upper hand, he rolls Zeek Monkey back into the ring. Ninja slides in, picks him up and POW!! A backbreaker! Zeek Monkey crawling toward his corner, reaching for his bag. Vic Garibaldi: What do you suppose is in that bag, Danny? Dan Chan: I think we're better off not knowing. Goat Ninja rolls across Zeek Monkey and he's grapevining that left leg. Zeek able to get to the ropes and James Roma counting... Roma: One... Two... Three... Four... Vic Garibaldi: DISQUALIFY HIM!!! Dan Chan: Shut your yap, Mafia-boy. Vic Garibaldi: You wanna take a short walk, Chan? Dan Chan: Zeek Monkey getting back to his feet. Sent into the ropes once more... BOO-YAA!! A beautiful dropkick hits it's mark!! Goat Ninja grabs him by the legs... OH MY! THE TEXAS CLOVERLEAF!! An incredible submission tactic in the center of the ring!! Zeek Monkey screaming in pain!! I don't know if he can hang on! Vic Garibaldi: Get it right, potzer! That move is The Shakedown, and I'd break him in half right now for using it, but this is a new suit. Dan Chan: Well, he must have heard you, Vic, he breaks the hold and sends Zeek Monkey through the middle ropes. Goat Ninja going out after him... OH MY!! Zeek Monkey waiting with a chair! You could hear that smack all the way in Puyallup, Vic! Vic Garibaldi: Where? Dan Chan: Nevermind. A stunning chairshot puts Zeek Monkey back in control. It looks as though our official, James Roma didn't see that... Vic Garibaldi: What a surprise. Dan Chan: The two men slugging it out outside the ring. Zeek with the edge... setting Goat Ninja against the post.... what could he be doing here??? Roundhouse Right.. NO!!! Goat Ninja ducks and Zeek punches cold steel! James Roma: THREE!!! Dan Chan: Roma with the count, as Goat Ninja goes for an atomic drop! BAM!! That'll leave a mark on Zeek. Vic Garibaldi: How would you be able to tell? Dan Chan: Backhand knife-edge chops taking their toll. Ninja picks him up!! STOMACHBREAKER!! Vic Garibaldi: Great, we'll all know what Zeek had for lunch. Thanks a million, Goat Ninja. James Roma: SEVEN!! Vic Garibaldi: You think Roma can count to ten, Dan? He's not from Seattle is he? Dan Chan: I'll have you removed! Goat Ninja hoists him up! BIIIIIIG POWERSLAM that send him right through a TABLE!!! James Roma: NINE!! Dan Chan: Goat Ninja running back, slides into the ring... Roma calling for the bell, did he beat the count?? Vic Garibaldi: And who cares? Andy Burton: Ladies and Gentlemen!! The referee has ruled this match a DOUBLE COUNTOUT!!! Dan Chan: I don't think he's done. He's going for that crowbar, Vic. Vic Garibaldi: Rule number one, Danny, don't get a Texan ninja with a crowbar mad... I'd love to stay and enlighten, but I have to get Ozzy in gear for his match tonight. Tell Dima I'm sorry I missed him. (Garibaldi takes off he headset and walks back to the dressing room.) Dan Chan: We're going to need security out here in a minute, those two are insane! Stay with us folks, lots more action on the way, including Riverstorm taking on his former stablemate "Pretty Boy" Troy Walcott!! Stay Tuned!!