Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest, set for one fall, is for the AICW Television Championship! Introducing first, the challenger: making his way down the aisle, at 220 pounds, here is Damion Sikes! Dan: Damion Sikes getting his shot at the TV title here tonight on War! Dima: Hah! Yet another lamb led to the slaughter! The competition for this so- called "championship" is as nothing! Andy: And his opponent, weighing 271 pounds, he is the AICW Television Champion, "The Convict" Oswald Bates!!! Dan: And here comes the TV Champion! This will be Bates' first title defense since winning it in Tokyo! Dima: Bah! Lazy American! Russian Roulette would defend his championship the very moment he won it! Dan: Sikes taking it right to Ozzy Bates as soon as he gets in the ring! Sikes with a series of right hands, and now an Irish whip and a dropkick! An early offense from Damion Sikes, and the challenger's got the advantage! Dima: This Bates must be suffering from jet lag! Dan: Sikes with an Irish whip on the champ, and he puts his head down for a back bodydrop, but Bates stops and takes him down with a double underhook DDT! Dima: Stupid move by this Sikes! Even a fool knows that one should never lower one's eyes to an enemy! Dan: Bates lifts Sikes up by the hair and headbutts him right between the eyes! And again! Dima: This "head butt" is not affecting either man, because neither has anything within their skulls! Dan: Bates whips Damion Sikes into the corner, and follows him in with a shoulder ram! Now he's lifting him up onto the buckles! He's mounting the turnbuckles, and...BOO-YA!!! A brainbuster from the second rope!! Dima: This move should also have no effect! Sikes has no brain to bust! Dan: Bates now getting back to his feet. He's pulling Sikes up as well. Here's the setup! This could be it! BOO-YA! The Jail Break! It's all over! 1... 2... 3!!! Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, the AICW Television Champion-- "The Convict" Oswald Bates!!! Dan: Ozzy Bates making a successful first defense of his newly-won TV Title! Dima: Ha! We shall see how he fares when he faces true competition--he should pray that he does not have to play "Russian roulette"! Dan: We've got plenty more to come here tonight on War, including another title defense! It's the big one, it's for all the marbles, as none other than the AICW World Heavyweight Champion himself, the Saint, puts the belt up for grabs against the former champ's right-hand man, the Demonweb's own Legion! Dima: Bane's lackey is looking more for revenge than championship gold! This so- called "Saint" may not be as lucky tonight as he was in Japan! Dan: Speaking of pay-per-views, we've got another big show coming up soon! It will be another spectacular event in the AICW tradition, and it... <"Here Comes Peter Cottontail" begins playing over the sound system as an obese pink rabbit stomps unhappily down the aisle with a basket full of eggs.> Dan: Well, Easter's over and done with, but apparently the Easter Bunny's still making the rounds! Dima: Bah! This "Easter Bunny" is just another overblown American icon! Dan: Well, I must say--Hot Stuff's never looked better! Although I don't think pink is his color! Dima: This is foolishness! Hot Stuff: Yeah, yeah. Yuk it up. Laugh all ya want. When Argie Otero made me dress up in this ridiculous outfit--ME, Hot Stuff Harry Huckleberry, of all people!--she expected me to come out here and act like a total goof for the kiddies. Well, everybody knows that the only thing that gets ratings is when Hot Stuff struts his stuff for the ladies! Ain't that right? So I'm not going along with her stupid ideas and undersized pink bunny outfits! I'm gonna take it off, right here, right now, and I'm gonna dance till the ladies drop! Dan: Uh-oh! Let's just hope that nobody drops dead! Hot Stuff: Hit the music! <"Master of Puppets" blares through the sound system.> Hot Stuff: Hey! That's not my music!!! Dan: Oh no! Not...HIM!!! Mr. Y: Hey! Everybody knows Easter was YESTERDAY!!! Yeah, that's right! It was yesterday! And everybody knows you're not the REAL Easter bunny! He made his deliveries already! Yeah, that's right! And I don't care who's fault it was, whether it was Argie's idea--yeah, that's right! Argie! She's always trying to screw me over! I was supposed to have my time out here tonight! ME!!! But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! We get some STUPID fat MORON in a BUNNY SUIT!!! Yeah, that's right! A bunny suit! And it's so PINK! And... STUPID!! Yeah! That's right! And what about these rotten eggs in this basket over here? Yeah! They're rotten! Hot Stuff: Sounds to me more like sour grapes than rotten eggs, Y-guy! Get on outta here, the ladies all wanna see me get jiggy! Go'wan, git! Mr. Y: Yeah? Yeah? Well...well...you SUCK! Mr. Y: Hey! I thought these were supposed to be HARD-boiled! Yeah, that's right! Hard! Mr. Y: Hey! HEY!! Y'know what? I think you an' me need to have it out! We need to take this TO THE RING! Tonight, you and me! One-on-one! Mano a mano! Yeah, that's right! Mano a mano! Oh yeah, and what say we make this a SPECIAL match? Yeah! A SPECIAL match! You and me, in a...in a...a ROTTEN EGG MATCH!! Yeah! That's right! Dan: Oh no! Dima: The stench of these two alone is overpowering! We do not need rotten eggs thrown into the mix! Hot Stuff: YOU'RE ON, you skinny little twerp! Dan: Well, it looks like we're going to have another match later on in the program! Expect the unexpected here in the AICW! Dima: I am sure Americans around the country are jumping for joy at the prospect of this match! Dan: Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've got to take a break, but when we return-- The Great Salami takes on Barry! Stay with us!