Dan: Ladies and gentlemen, we're just about ready for Pretty City, and the return of the one and only Hardcore Legend! Let's take you down to the interview area! ("If You Think I'm Jiggy" by The LOX blares through the arena as the AICW Television Champion, "Pretty Boy" Troy Walcott and bodyguard Executive make their way to the platform where tonight's Pretty City Show is set up. Fireworks and explosions go off as the champ makes his way up onto stage and then begins to speak.) PBT: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the critically acclaimed TV hit...THE PRETTY CITY SHOW!!! My goodness, first of all, I'd like to address "Ass F*&ker Andrew" and Westside Walavan for their correcting me of my error in a recent flash. I said that Thomas Edison invented the phone when it was in actuality Alexander Graham Bell. What a mistake, boy do I feel dumb. NOT! See the fact of the matter is, it was a mistake, a stupid mistake at that, however, you two can be as politically correct as you want but the only thing that matters to me in this sport isn't being a Jeopardy freek...(the crowd chants along) THE GIRLS...THE GOLD...AND THE GREEN, and that's why Benjamin Franklin was my favorite president of all time, are you guys gonna tell me that B.F. wasn't a president, all the power to ya...idiots! Now, without further ado, my guest for tonight revolutionized the term..."HARDCORE"...this man had his career nearly ended by a brutal attack at the hands of "Hardcore" Hank Thunder, so ladies and gentlemen, making his return to the AICW...here is THE HARDCORE LEGEND HIMSELF!!!!!! ("The Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson blasts throughout the arenaas the fans stand on their feet and cheer. The camera pans across the arena as everyone cheers in anticipation of Johnny Payne.) Dan: Listen to these fans! They're ready! They are ready for the return of the Hardcore Legend! (The camera pans the crowd. It switches to a close-up of a small child in a beaten-up old Johnny Payne T-shirt that appears to be too big for him and a Knick Man bandana sitting atop his father's shoulders and applauding. The camera switches once again to a shot of a woman in the audience with a sign that reads "Welcome Back, Johnny!" beneath an older picture of Payne. The camera switches a final time to a shot of the entranceway as a man in a beaten-up pair of jeans and a torn FMW T-shirt rolls out on a wheelchair. He has his long, greasy, dark-colored hair held back behind a headband, and his eyes shaded by a pair of sunglasses. There is a neckbrace around his neck. The fans' cheers die down as they realize that this man is NOT Johnny Payne.) Dan: What...what's this? That's not Johnny Payne! (Loud jeers from the fans as the Payne impersonator rolls towards the interview area.) PBT: Johnny! Welcome back! (stepping off of the platform as the spotlight centers on him) How have you been! You look fantastic! How has rehab been! Oh and by the way, tell Alexandra I need my purple silk boxers back, those are my favorite...thanks. So how's she been anyways? Guest: Oh, she's fine, she's just fine...she wanted to be here tonight, but our car got taken to the shop, so she's bonin' the mechanic to see if she can't get us a deal. Dan: Oh my--!!! PBT: Same old Alexandra, always shakin her ass to get what she wants. By the way, tell your mom I said hello, I haven't seen her in a while...well, with clothes on I mean.... Guest: I certainly will, thanks Mr. Walcott. Well, as everybody knows, I got to where I am thanks to good ol' Alex and that ass of hers, but--God love 'er--she's been workin' overtime lately, bein' as I've been outta work and all... PBT: Mr. Payne, I am terribly sorry about what happened that terrible night. Your tragic injury nearly ended your wrestling career, but you should be back in action soon from what I hear. But what the hell were you thinking when you tried to dive onto the table?...why...for what! Guest: Well, as you well know, I'm the Hardcore Legend. Ain't nobody more hardcore than me. I'm more hardcore than Sabu, Funk an' that Jamison chick together! PBT :Yeah, I know what you mean...I guess if I lived with Alexandra Payne I'd be "hardcore" all the time too...get it...hard....core...Alexandra's core! That was a good one Johnny...you sly dog (winks and nudges him). Speaking of Alexandra, her and I are supposed to be "gettin jiggy wit it" tonight, if you know what I mean! Guest: Hey, I'd pay to see that! Anyway, like I said, I'm the Hardcore Legend. I've been to Japan hundreds of times, and everybody knows that Japan is the most hardcore country in the world. You can't get more hardcore than Japan. Those Japs love their violence. PBT: You're damn right, all those Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee people! Guest: I've been in barbed-wire matches, thumbtack matches, broken glass matches, spike nail lobotomy matches, even the dreaded "King of Hell Satan Death" match...ooh, that one brings back some memories... PBT:Awwww...that's really nice (sarcastically pats him on he back) Guest: (clutching his neck brace) OW! PBT: OH MY!!! I'm sorry Mr. Payne...are you okay? I didn't mean... Guest: (interrupting)... I'm alright, I'm alright. Anyway, I've been in the most hardcore matches you can think of. I've had my ass kicked in every way possible! I've had my ass kicked in ways you can't even imagine! Now, back in January the Hardcore Legend slipped up. PBT: Yeah, I know, you hit the ground pretty "hard...core" when you missed the entire table! What the hell were you thinking!! Guest: No, I mean I literally slipped up. See, I'm the Hardcore Legend, I don't make mistakes. Some moron greased up the platform, and I slipped off and banged my head on the table! And lemme tell you somethin', that hurt! PBT: Now Johnny...Executive here has been known for crippling people with his touch...so maybe since you're already cripple, if he touches you, maybe you'll be uncrippled? Let's try...CEO, go easy on him, just tap him. (Executive comes down, bends over and winds back like he's gonna deck him then gently taps him on the forehead. The Payne doppleganger stands and walks with mock surprise) Guest: It's...it's a miracle! I can walk! I CAN WALK AGAIN! (throwing his arms up and pointing heavenward melodramatically) GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, I CAN WALK!!! THANK YOU MR. WALCOTT!!! PBT: Don't mention it...now, what are you're plans Mr. Payne, now that you are no longer a crippled up old loser? Guest: What am I gonna do now? Why...show the world how hardcore I am! I beat this injury, and now I'm gonna beat somebody up! (flexing his muscles and growling) Henry Thunder, I want YOU! You thought you could end my career, now it's time for me to end YOURS! Whatcha gonna do when the Hardcore Legend runs wild on YOU?! PBT: (interrupting)...Uh, that's very nice, there you have it folks...THE HARDCORE LEGEND HIMSELF!!!! Johnny Payne!!!! (the crowd boos as "The Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson plays and the persona heads back to the locker room with his arms raised). Ladies and Gentlemen...next week, my guest will be another ENTREPENEUR, and he will be PRESENTING his elite corporation, one that shall be a force to reckon with, and I actually respect em...ladies and gents, they are....uh...sorry, it's a secret...but don't take it personal (he holds the mic towards the crowd as they scream) Crowd: "IT'S FOR BUSINESS PURPOSES ONLY!!" PBT: See ya...and I wouldn't wanna be ya... (He and Executive leave as "If You Think I'm Jiggy" by The LOX plays) Dan: Fans, I apologize for that...what else can I say, but...we'll be right back...