Dan: And we're back. Let's.......... ("The Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson begins playing as the Johnny Payne doppleganger from last week's Pretty City walks down the aisle.) Dan: It's that imposter Johnny Payne! He's back! (The Payne imposter enters the ring and raises his hands in the air. He goes for the ring microphone and begins to speak as he walks around the ring.) Impostor Payne: Hello Japan! It's good to be back! I know you all love the Hardcore Legend here in the Land of the Rising Sun, and it's great to be here! It's been far too long since I've been here in Jap-land. I love this country! It's the most hardcore li'l island there is! Dan: These fans are certainly not pleased by the comments being made by this impostor, this doppleganger! This is the second week in a row that he's made off-color remarks like that! Come on, have some respect! Impostor Payne: Now, as everybody knows, the Hardcore Legend was out for a few months with a career-threatening injury. Doctors even said that the Hardcore Legend may never walk again. But lookie here! (jogs around the ring) I can walk again! (hops on one foot) I'm healthy as a horse, and I'm not talkin' one ready for the glue factory, either! And it's all thanks to the great "Pretty Boy" Troy Walcott! I owe him my life and my livelihood! From the bottom of my heart, the Hardcore Legend thanks you! But on the flip side, there's the guy who put me out to begin with. The man responsible for my career-threatening injury. This guy who calls himself "Hardcore," Henry Thunder! Henry Thunder, you're not hardcore! Do you wanna know what bein' hardcore's all about? I'll show you hardcore! Get your a$$ out here right now, and I'll kick it back to the States, you worthless piece of trash! I'm pumped up and pissed off! VERY pissed off! Trust me, you don't want to get me pissed. And I'm talkin' REALLY pissed. Come on, Thunder, where are you? You bum! Dan: Hardcore Henry Thunder isn't even here tonight! Although I'm sure when he sees this he won't be pleased! Impostor Payne: C'mon! Where are ya? I know where you are! You're in the back, dirtyin' your drawers in fear of the Hardcore Legend! You don't want none a' this! I'd kick your a$$! I'm too hardcore for ya! You chicken! You dirty yellow rat bastard! Yeah, you've got a yellow streak down your back a mile wide! I shoulda known! Well, lemme just tell you somethin', Hanky! If I ever find you, I'm gonna give you the beating of your life! Why? Because I'm the Hardcore Legend, and you're just another fourth-rate coattailer who can't do his job like a man! (throws down the microphone and exits the ring as "The Beautiful People" starts up again) Dan: Imagine the nerve of this guy! Johnny Payne is a legend of our sport! He has no right making fun of him like that! Dima: The only TRUE legend in the sport is DIMA! Argie: What a great card we are having tonight! And don't forget, later on tonight, I will make my grand announcement, so make sure you stay tune! Don't turn that channel! Dan: Coming up next, we have the Television Title match between the champion "Pretty Boy" Troy Walcott and the challenger The Great Salami! This should be a great contest. Let's go to Andy! Andy: The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is for the AICW Television Championship! Introducing first, the challenger: from Salamiville, weighing in at 280 pounds, the Great Salami! Dan: The Great Salami getting an opportunity for championship gold here tonight! Argie: The Great Salami's been on a winning streak lately, he deserves this title shot! It's gonna be a barn-burner! Dima: Ha! This puny American thinks he is something just because he gets a few wins over lower-class American competition! I think this "Salami" is full of baloney! Andy: And his opponent--accompanied to the ring by the Executive--from "Pretty City," Connecticut, weighing 247 pounds, he is the AICW Television Champion: "Pretty Boy" Troy Walcott!!! Dan: And here comes the champ, cocky as always! Troy Walcott has been quite successful as TV Champion, but could his arrogance get the better of him? Dima: Troy Walcott thinks he has right to be so arrogant. Only RUSSIANS are superior enough to look down upon others! This "Pretty Boy" is lucky that Russian Roulette has not humbled him yet! Argie: Russian Roulette needs to learn how to sign official contracts for sanctioned matches and stay out of other people's business, or else I might have to see about doing something about that! Dima: You would not dare! Argie: (snickering) Don't try me. Dan: PBT now entering the ring, and he just walked up to the Salami--he's talking trash in the big man's face! OH! He just slapped him! The Salami now coming back with a series of fists and salami chops! Salami with an Irish whip, and a clothesline takes him down! Now the Salami picking PBT up, but...no, Walcott gouges the eye! Argie: That was a blatant violation of the rules! Dan: Walcott with another eye gouge, and referee James Roma is reprimanding the champ! Now Walcott raking the Salami's eyes across the top rope! Walcott is all over the Salami! Now he's choking him out with the top rope! Argie: Wake up, James! Wake up! If you can't do your job, we'll get somebody else who can! Dan: Walcott backing off...no, now he's back to choking him out on the ropes! James Roma putting the count to him, and Walcott backs off. Dima: If he breaks the hold before the count, it is perfectly legal! Argie: Now we don't need that kind of attitude around here! It's all about good sportsmanship. That's what it's all about. Dan: Roma now directing a lock-up, and the two men with a collar-and-elbow tieup. Walcott slaps on a standing side headlock. Argie: See, Troy Walcott can wrestle clean when he wants. This is a nice move, this side head...headscissors...whatchacallem... Dan: Headlock. Argie: Yeah, see? Now Salami pushes him against the ropes, and he bounces him off...but he put his head down, and Walcott just put on that move on him, that side twist...spinning move...that was good, this is a good match! Dan: That was a swinging neckbreaker. And this is an armbar. Walcott's trying to wear the challenger down! Argie: Yes, yes! But you can never count the Great Salami down! He's a great young up-and-coming star, and he's pulled off quite a few upset victories lately! Dima: In Mother Russia, we have old proverb: Luck can only take a man so far! Dan: Walcott whips Salami to the ropes, and now a nice pinpoint dropkick sends him down! PBT immediately follows up with an elbowdrop, and a nonchalant cover doesn't even get a one-count! Argie: He's not going to pin the Salami that easy, uh-uh! Especially not with all the fans behind him! Dima: These fans do not look to me like such big supporters of this "Salam... Argie: Oh, keep quiet, Dima! Dan: Walcott throws the challenger into the opposite ropes again, and a nice spinning heel kick! Now a lightning-quick legdrop to follow it up, and a pin attempt...only a one-count! Walcott lifts his opponent and sends him off the ropes. Now a powerslam right in the center of the ring, but he doesn't go for the pin! He picks him up, and now he hits a piledriver! 1...2...Salami kicks out, and Walcott complains about a slow count! Argie: Ain't that a shame! Complaints won't get you anywhere in the AICW! You've seen where whinin' and poutin' have gotten some of our other, let's say, "ex-employees"! Dima: Crying and whining are typical of Americans! Dan: Walcott whips the Salami into the corner, but the Salami comes charging out and spears him with a body tackle! Now Salami's pounding the champion! James Roma backs him off! Argie: (self-assuredly) That's right! Whether the fans like you or not--heck, whether I like you or not--you've still got to obey the rulebook! Dan: Salami comes at Walcott, but Walcott reaches up and a rake of the face blinds the Salami! Walcott lifts the big man, and...GUT QUAKE across the top rope, or the "GQ" as he likes to call it! Dima: GQ likes to call me! They want me to appear on the cover of their rag of a American magazine, but they cannot afford to pay me! Capitalist dogs! Dan: Now Walcott lands a stunner that sends the Great One flying to the outside! James Roma keeping backing Walcott off, and...look at this! The Executive is taking full advantage of the opportunity to put the boots to the Great Salami! Now he's rolling him back into the ring! Argie: I don't like the idea of having so many people out at ringside to begin with. Why do all these wrestlers need so many people with them? Dan: Walcott now with a face-first suplex, and he immediately locks on a camel clutch! He's wearing down the big man! Argie: Don't count the Great Salami out just yet! He's got a very good chance of winning this TV title here tonight! Dima: I tire of hearing you sing the praises of this so-called "Great Salami"! Argie: Don't give me any attitude, Dima... Dima: I am not the one with the attitude! Argie: Don't forget who you're talking to here, Dima... Dima: Why am I getting all the flak tonight? Why are you singling out Dima to hassle? Is it because my political views do not coincide with your own? Is that it? Dan: Dima, please... Argie: We'll talk later, Dima... Dima: Damn skippy! Dan: The Great Salami demonstrating his strength, powering out of that camel clutch! Walcott releases the hold, and now he pulls his opponent to his feet. Irish whip into the opposite corner, but Salami rebounds out and takes Walcott down with a clothesline! Argie: The Great Salami's got his second wind! He's making his big comeback! Dan: Walcott back on his feet, and Salami...what's he doing? Argie: He's trying to hypnotize Pretty Boy Troy! You forget, he used to be the world's greatest hypnotist and magician before he came to the AICW, remember? Dan: Oh, yeah...I don't know how that slipped my mind. Anyway, it doesn't seem to be working, as Walcott rakes the eyes and delivers an inverted atomic drop! Now he goes for the Pretty-Plex! Nobody gets up from this! 1...2...3!!! Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner: "Pretty Boy" Troy Walcott!!! Argie: The Great Salami fought a hard match, he almost had that TV title won, but he narrowly got beaten by this dastardly Troy Walcott! If the fans demand it, we'll see these two hook it up in a rematch somewhere down the line! Dima: I would not hold my breath waiting for that one! Dan: We'll be right back with more of Saturday Night Heat!