AICW Monday Night War February 2nd, 1998 Memorial Hall-Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania (The camera focuses on a hole in the ground as the Andy Griffith Show theme plays in the background. The snout of a small animal peeks out from the hole and sniffs around. The animal sticks its head out, and we see that it's a groundhog. Metallica's "Sad but True" begins playing in the background. The groundhog begins sniffing around, then sees its shadow and retreats back into the hole.) Voice-over (Dan): Punxsutawney Phil. For 122 years, this small rodent has been the grand prognosticator. Every February 2nd, this li'l fella comes out and if he sees his shadow it means six more weeks of winter! (The words "This morning..." zoom dramatically into the screen) This morning, at 7:05 AM... (The words "HE SAW HIS SHADOW!") zoom in) Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow! Normally, this means six more weeks of winter...but for AICW fans, it just means even MORE HOT ACTION!!! PUNXSUTAWNEY, GET READY FOR WAAAAR!!! (The Monday Night War theme music begins blasting as the screen explodes into the logo. The scene switches to the inside of Memorial Hall where the fans are on their feet. We see a number of signs and banners waving around as fireworks go off. The screen pans over to the broadcast booth where Dan and Lord Awesome are standing.) Dan: Welcome everyone, to Monday Night War! Happy Groundhog Day, everyone! I'm here with the man they call AWESOME--LORD Awesome, that is! Lord Awesome: That's right, it's official, I've signed a contract with the AICW, and that means you're gonna be seeing a lot more of me before too long! In the ring, out of the ring, who knows...but mark my words, whenever the AICW comes to town, you can bet Lord Awesome won't be far behind! Dan: In fact, I hear you're going to be the guest of our FIRST EVER AOL Chat on February 9th! Lord Awesome: That's right, Dan! The AICW has invited me to a special question and answer session on America Online, and I'm gonna be letting all the great fans on AOL in on what Lord Awesome's plans are here in the AICW! Dan: Fans, you don't wanna miss that! We'll have more information later on in the week, but right now... (Polka music starts up in the background.) Dan: What is this? (A man in a suit comes out accompanied by two bodyguards. He is carrying a groundhog in his arm.) Dan: That's the Mayor and Punxsutawney Phil! Lord Awesome: Enough with the groundhog, already! He gets too much attention as it is! Dan: There you see the Mayor of Punxsutawney holding Phil up over his head, and listen to this crowd! The Mayor seems to want to say a few words... Mayor: Ladies and gentlemen, on this great second day of February, nineteen hundred and ninety eight, Punxsutawney Phil has seen his shadow and declared that there will be eight more weeks of winter. (crowd boos) But fear not! It's always darkest before the dawn, and once we ride out this winter, we're in for one of the best springs we've ever had! Isn't that right, Phil? (holds the groundhog up to the microphone; the animal makes an odd noise) Dan: Phil seems to think so! Lord Awesome: I think his honor, the Mayor, seems to have lost it! Mayor: I'd just like to thank each and every one of you for joining us for the Groundhog Day festivities here in Punxsutawney all weekend, and what better way to cap it off than with AICW action! What a weekend it's been! The Groundhog Banquet, the Groundhog Eve Dance, and who could forget Phil's House of Horrors, eh? (chuckles to himself) What a weekend it was, capped off by the Grand Prognostication this mor... (Metallica's "Master of Puppets" begins to blast throughout Memorial Hall.) Dan: Oh no! Lord Awesome: We all know what that music means... (Mr. Y storms down the aisle to a tremendous eruption of jeers.) Dan: It's Mr. Y! What does he want? Why is he here? Lord Awesome: Who knows? Who really cares? I guess we're gonna find out in a minute here, Danny boy, whether we want to or not... Mr. Y: (taking the microphone, voice cracking) Well! (crowd boos) If it ain't ol' Punnnnxsutawney (voice cracks) Phil! The groundhog that gets all the attention! Don't you people realize who I am?! (crowd begins a "loser!" chant) I'm (voice cracks) MR. Y! I am the Supreme Ruler of the (voice cracks) Earth! And I'm just ALL THAT! Yeah, that's right! I'm DA (voice cracks) BOMB! Dan: Rather interesting terminology by Mr. Y... Lord Awesome: Maybe he should call himself Y-dawgg... Mr. Y: See, this (voice cracks) GROUNDHOG...yeah, that's right! He's a groundhog! That's all he is, just a (voice cracks) GROUNDHOG! He ain't nothin' but a lowly, smelly, dirt-crawlin' (shrieks as the microphone gives feedback) GROUNDHOG! And that's why I'm coming out here right now to challenge (voice cracks) YOU, Punksukitawny Phil, to a match RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW on (voice cracking) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!! (gasps for breath) Yeah! So, do you have the GUTS! That's right, you don't have the GUTS to face me! (points his finger in the groundhog's face; the groundhog bites him, and Mr. Y shakes his hand out in pain, shrieking) Dan: HE BIT HIM! PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL JUST BIT MR. Y!!! Lord Awesome: Is this gonna be our main event at the next pay-per-view now? Dan: Phil just jumped out of the mayor's arms, and now he's tearing into Mr. Y!!! I don't believe this!!! It's chaos! The Mayor, both bodyguards, security, AICW staffers--the locker room's emptying out! They're all trying to separate Phil from Mr. Y! Lord Awesome: I've seen wrestlers lose to football players, I've seen wrestlers lose to movie actors, hell I've even seen respectable men lose to women--but this has got to be a first! This guy just took a dive for a groundhog! Dan: If this is any indication, tonight should be a wild night indeed! Look at Mr. Y, he's irate!! Ladies and gentlemen, tonight you'll see Stephon T. Davis against the Firm's own Gino "Knuckles" Valentini! You will see "Pretty Boy" Troy Walcott defend the Television title against another member of the Firm, "The Convict" Oswald Bates! And in our main event, the NEW AICW World Champion, "Hard Line" Byron Brady, will be making his first title defense against the angry black man, Martin X! What a show we've got lined up for you! Let's take you down to Andy at ringside! (DING DING DING) Andy Burton: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Des Moines, Iowa, weighing 190 pounds, here is "Hot Stuff" HARRY HUCKLEBERRY! Dan: And here comes Hot Stuff! I'm telling you Mr. Awesome, that man can't be 190 pounds! Lord Awesome: Hey, the weight might be spread out! He could be 190 pounds worth of Jell-O, for all we know! Oh, and Dan--? Don't call me MISTER Awesome!! Dan: Huckleberry arguing with a female fan at ringside. She won't give him her phone number and I wouldn't either! Lord Awesome: Good for you, Danny boy! I was starting to have my doubts about you... Andy: And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by his manager, Angel, from Chicago Illinois, weighing 255 pounds, THE SAINT! Dan: Every time I see this man in action, he always impresses me! So quick, so strong! It's like he's anointed to wrestle! Lord Awesome: Not likely! Champions come from hard work and dedication, not because some voice from the blue said so! Dan: The Saint and Angel are in the ring. Angel reading those bible scriptures as The Saint places his hands in a cross formation. Harry Huckleberry turns around and HOLY MOSES! He just mooned the holy couple! Lord Awesome: Well, if he's trying to blind his opponent for the early advantage, it's working! Dan: Angel stepping out of the ring looking very appalled as the bell rings to start this match. The Saint and Huckleberry coming to the center of the ring and now they lock up. Huckleberry overpowering The Saint and now he knees him in the midsection. Huckleberry lays a few punches to the ribs of The Saint and The Saint holds his ribs in pain. Harry Huckleberry grabbing him and BOO-YA! DDT to the mat! And this is the most offense I've seen out of Huckleberry in months! Lord Awesome: I hear he's been training. He's in the best shape of his life right now. Not that that's saying too much... Dan: Huckleberry shaking his groove thing and he non-chalantly covers The Saint........one..........two...........easy kickout by The Saint! Huckleberry picking the holy man up and now he grabs The Saint by his neck. But The Saint catches him off guard with a headbutt. The Saint grabs him and takes him down with an armdrag takedown. The Saint holds on and applies an armbar. Huckleberry banging on the mat and The Saint releases the hold. The Saint now grabbing his legs and now he's applying pressure to that calf area. Huckleberry screaming out in pain, but he's not submitting. Lord Awesome: Nice submission style by this Saint guy. He's wearing the bigger guy out. Hell, why strain yourself when you can have the other guy suckin' wind? Dan: The Saint releases the hold. The Saint getting up and now he pulls Huckleberry up by the hair. He executes a powerful chop to the throat and Huckleberry clutching his throat in pain. The Saint now grabbing Huckleberry and he lifts him up and CHOKE SLAMS him to the mat! The Saint not one of the biggest men in professional wrestling, but he slammed Huckleberry with AUTHORITY! Lord Awesome: This Huckleberry guy must be a big marshmallow or somethin'... Dan: The Saint with the cover...........one............two........... kickout by Huckleberry! The Saint taking Huckleberry and he sends him flying to the outside of the ring. And look at Angel! She is practically screaming Bible verses in the face of Hot Stuff. Harry, trying to get to his feet. The Saint, just waiting there like a preadator! Harry is up and here comes The Saint and BOO-YA! The Saint leaping right through the ropes and nailing Hot Stuff with a flying clothesline! Lord Awesome: The Saint flew through those ropes with near-angelic grace! Dan: Referee Paul Kaplan beginning to count both men out as The Saint gets up. Huckleberry still down on the ground. The Saint climbing back into the ring and now he's climbing up to the top ropes! The Saint making the sign of the cross and now he jumps off and DOUBLE AX-HANDLE TO HUCKLEBERRY! Huckleberry goes crashing to the ground once again and The Saint in full control of this match. Lord Awesome: I wouldn't have expected anything less. I've heard a lot of good things about this guy, and I expect big things from him... Dan: The Saint picking up Hot Stuff and he sends him back into the ring. The Saint climbing into the ring. He climbs back into the ring and he stands over the beaten Huckleberry. The Saint now picking Huckleberry off the mat. He grabs him by the tights and lifts him up in the air. The Saint holding him up for a few seconds and BOO-YA! Beautifully executed vertical suplex by The Saint! Lord Awesome: I'll admit, I'm amazed at the power of this guy! Like you said, he's definitely not a jacked-up musclehead but he's no weakling, either! Dan: Huckleberry seems out of it now! The Saint picking him up again off the mat and now he slaps on a sleeperhold! He calls that move The Last Rites! Huckleberry fading fast, but The Saint has him right in the center of the ring. Huckleberry looks like he's out! Referee Paul Kaplan lifting up the arm.....one......lifts up the arm again......two.......and again......THREE! It's all over! (DING DING DING) Andy: The winner of the match.......THE SAINT! Dan: The Saint with another victory in the AICW! Lord Awesome: He certainly looked impressive against Harry Huckleberry. The question is, can he hang with the big boys? Dan: I'm sure the Saint wants his piece of the competition, and I'm sure he'll get his opportunities before long here in the AICW! Ladies and gentlemen, we have to take a commercial break, but when we return, former Television Champion Stephon T. Davis takes on Gino "Knuckles" Valentini! What a matchup that will be! Stay with us!