Dan Chan:  We're back, let's go to our next match, featuring the
infamous Mr. Y....but....first, more footage of Juan LaFon in Cleveland
today!

JL: Not the zoo incident!

<The camera shows us a view inside the Cleveland zoo.  Juan LaFon is
standing outside of the monkey cage and is holding her nose.>

JL: You know....this place stinks...when I get back to New York, I'm
gonna have words with Argie Otero!!  What I wanna know is....why do we
have to show these people the zoo?!!  So you people, and especially you
Otero, listen up!!!  If you want to see anymore of this pathetic,
reeking zoo, you can all get your asses on a plane and
come here for yourself!!!

<Juan turns to leave but at the last minute turns to look at the monkey
in the cage.  It locks eyes with her, then starts screaming while
jumping up and down.>

JL: What the hell do you want, you stupid ape!

<Juan flips off the monkey and, as a result, it goes wild and runs to
the back of the cage.  It picks up some monkey dung from the ground and
begins hurling it at Juan.>

JL: <Covering her face with her hands.> HOLY <beep>!!!  Stop throwing
that <beep> at me!!!

<Juan runs away from the cage and out of the zoo.  She is covered in
crap as the scene fades and we return to the arena.>

DC: Well, Juan, I must say...brown is not your color.

JL: Dan, shut up.  Just...SHUT...UP.

Andy Burton: The following contest is scheduled for one fall.  Currently
in the ring, weighing in at 227 lbs., "Superstar" Steve Dallas!

DC: Steve Dallas ready to lock it up with Mr. Y.

JL: Just as long as the Y-guy doesn't run his mouth!

<Metallica's "Master of Puppets" sounds throughout the arena as Mr. Y
makes his way to the ring.>

DC: And there he is now! Keep in mind, folks, that Commissioner Argie
Otero has limited Mr. Y's time on the microphone to three minutes.

AB: And his opponent, weighing 245 lbs., from Parts Unknown, Mr. Y!

<Mr. Y tries to leap over the ropes, but can't quite make it.  He ends
up tumbling through the ropes.>

DC: Mr. Y seems to be having some trouble getting into the ring...

JL: It figures.

<Mr. Y snatches the microphone away from Andy Burton.  He taps it a few
times, then clears his throat.  He looks around at the crowd, then taps
the microphone again before beginning to rant.>

Mr. Y: Listen up, all you Cleveland people! Who SUCK! <the crowd is dead
with the exception of a few shouts of "Go home!" and "Shut up, you
loser!"> Yeah, you all suck! Like those Cleveland Indians? They're gonna
be swept in five! Yeah, that's right! They'll be swept in five against
those Atlanta Marlins! Yeah! Well, enough about you LOSERS...yeah,
that's right! You're all a bunch of LOSERS! You're LOSERS! And
sure, I may have lost that match to the Crow, but that's only because he
attacked me from behind when I wasn't ready! If I were prepared, I would
have beaten him easily, and slapped on my finishing move right off the
bat! Well, tonight, this LOSER <points to Steve Dallas> that's right,
he's a LOSER! A LOSER!!! I'm gonna make him feel pain all over his body,
when I apply my FINISHING MOVE to him...and yeah, he WILL be finished!
He's gonna feel the pain shooting up his spine and into his neck, he's
gonna feel his arms and legs go numb, and he will know that I AM THE
MASTER! Yeah, that's right, I AM THE MASTER! BOW DOWN TO YOUR MASTER!
When I put this move on him, yeah, I'm gonna put this move on
him...he'll know, and each and every one of you MORONS--yeah, you're
MORONS!--will know what this move is all about! I call it the Y-KNOT,
and why? Well, why not? And when I put this devastating submission move
on this LOSER!! Yeah, he's a LOSER!!! And when I put this move on him,
this move that was BANNED in FOUR HUNDRED COUNTRIES! No, FIVE HUNDRED!
But it was kept in the US, yeah...so I can do it here and not get
suspended! Why? Well...Y-KNOT?!

DC: Wait a minute, someone is coming down to ringside!  Remember, Argie
Otero isn't here to stop Mr. Y!

JL: I hope this guy does something about this.

DC: He's getting in the ring and he's going up to Mr. Y!

Mr. Y: <Looks at the man.> Who are you?!!  What are you doin' here?!!
<Mr. Y pauses.> This is my time, I still have 2 minutes and 53 seconds
left by my count!  <As the man tries to snatch the microphone.> NO!  My
mic!  <Mr. Y clutches the microphone close to
his chest.>

DC: This guy doesn't look to thrilled at this.

Mr. Y: Get lost!  <The man points at Mr. Y's shoes and tells him that
his shoelaces are untied.  Mr. Y looks down to inspect his velcro boots,
then the man grabs the microphone from Mr. Y.>

Man: Just settle down you pencil-neck geek!  My name is Mark McMahon and
I've been sent here by Argie Otero to make sure that you don't abuse the
three-minute rule!  By MY count, you've gone over!  Now shut up, and
THAT'S AN ORDER!!!  The reason I'm working for the AICW is simple.  My
egomaniacal father, Vince, won't let me work for or
wrestle for the WWF!  Now there's a whole story behind this, and I don't
have any three-minute rule, so you can bet I'm gonna take my time in
letting all you HUMANOIDS know what's up!  Now, when I was a kid, I had
all these great ideas for the wrestling business!  I was a boy wonder!
I told my father these ideas, and HE STOLE THEM FROM ME!! I'm the reason
why Hulk Hogan won the belt from the Iron Shiek!  Hell, I came up with
the name, "Hulk Hogan"!!!  But no, did I get any credit?  <Mr. Y is
looking frustrated.> Dad had to go and ruin it all for me!  I came up
with the idea for the "Rock-N-Wrestling" connection!  And do you want to
know who was the mastermind behind
Wrestlemania?  It was ME!!  I INVENTED pay-per-view!  I'm the real
reason all you pencil-neck geeks are watching wrestling on television
and in big arenas like this and not some smoke-filled bingo hall!
Speaking of bingo halls, I'm sick of 90's wrestling!  I'm sick of
"hardcore" wrestling!  You know what was hardcore?  When Earthquake
gave Hogan a TEN on the Richter Scale!  If you name it, I came up with
it!  Akeem was MY idea! <Mark McMahon's face is turning bright red.> I
was gonna make the Junkyard Dog the first BLACK WORLD CHAMPION!!!
Martin X, I feel your pain.  And you Mr. Y, you don't
live up to the likes of Bobby "The Brain", the "Mouth of the South", or
"Rowdy" Roddy Piper!!  I made those men millionaires, and what thanks do
I get......I get disowned!!!  <Mark McMahon breaks down in tears.> Now
get on with the match!  This one's gonna be a
bonafide brouhaha! <Mark McMahon leaves the ring.>

DC: A rather heartfelt soliloquy from Mark McMahon, who is now sitting
at ringside for this match.

JL: Oh, yeah.  Break out the Kleenex.

DC: Well, our match is underway.  Mr. Y is pacing around the ring,
perhaps preparing to lock up with Steve Dallas.

JL: Or maybe he has an inner ear problem.

DC: Mr. Y and Steve Dallas lock up.  Dallas backs the masked man into
the corner, and the referee calls for a break.  Oh! Mr. Y with a thumb
to the eye on the break!

JL: What, did you expect them to break clean?

DC: No, but it still doesn't make it right.  Referee Thripaq Nguyen
admonishing Mr. Y, but Mr. Y having words with Thripaq.  Steve Dallas
recovers from the poke in the eye, and now he attacks Mr. Y with a
series of right hands! Mr. Y drops into the corner with his hands over
his head.

JL: What a wuss! Take your beating like a man, dammit!

DC: Mr. Y back to his feet, and now an attempted roundhouse right is
blocked--and Steve Dallas with an armdrag takedown! Mr. Y grabs the
ropes and pulls himself back up, as Dallas lunges at him--but Mr. Y
leans between the ropes and yells for the referee to back him off!

JL: That was cheap!

DC: Some might call it "smart wrestling"--but then again, this is Mr. Y
we're looking at here, so...you make the call.  Mr. Y now taunting the
fans.  Steve Dallas goes after him again, but Mr. Y back through the
ropes, once again exhibiting his...

JL: Cowardice.

DC: Well, Mr. Y does appear to have a bit of a...yellow streak, if you
will.  Mr. Y looks to the crowd and points to his head.

JL: We know it's empty, thank you!

DC: Steve Dallas turns to question the referee, and Mr. Y seems a bit
unsure of what to do...and now a rather clumsy-looking clip of the knee!
Steve Dallas goes down! And Mr. Y delivers a headbutt to the groin! Now
he's got his arms out in, I guess, a signal for the "Y-Knot."

JL: Either that, or he's calling a touchdown.

DC: Mr. Y is yelling that he's going for the Y-knot, if there was any
doubt.  Not a good strategic maneuver, being as Steve Dallas is still
quite conscious.

JL: Nobody ever accused Mr. Y of being a good strategist, ya know.

DC: Mr. Y twists the legs around...but now he hesitates.  He switches
the position of the legs, and hesitates again! He doesn't seem to be
able to make up his mind!

JL: Maybe he forgot how to apply the damn move!

DC: Well, that may very well be! Now he leans forward and reaches for
Dallas's head, but Steve Dallas rolls him up! 1...2...3!!!  Steve Dallas
wins!

AB: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner: Steve Dallas!!!

<Mr. Y runs out and grabs the microphone.>

Mr. Y: Hold it, hold it! HOLD IT! That wasn't fair! I wasn't ready! Why
does everybody have to do things when I'm not ready?! Okay, okay,
listen...you may have gotten lucky and beaten me, even if it was a FAST
COUNT! Yeah, it was a fast count! Even if you did beat me once, there's
no way in <voice cracks> HELL you can do it again!

DC: Thripaq seems to be letting this match continue! There's the bell,
and the match has been restarted!  Mr. Y back in the ring, and he
tackles Steve Dallas! Now he's pounding away on him! He pulls Dallas up
to his feet, and he's signalling for the Y-knot again! It seems he's
trying to apply an abdominal stretch, or something...he can't seem to
get the hold on! Now Steve Dallas picks him up, and a SIDE SLAM! There's
the count...1...2...3!!!

AB: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this conte...<Mr. Y grabs the
microphone.>

Mr. Y: NO! WAITAMINNIT!!! So you got lucky TWICE! Let's make this a best
of <voice cracks> five match! You know what they say, third time's the
charm! Three's company! And...ummm...whatever else they say!

DC: And Thripaq calls for the bell!

JL: I thought this match was scheduled for ONE fall?

DC: Mr. Y points to Steve Dallas, and now...what is that?

JL: I guess you would call that a "groin chop."

DC: Mr. Y now with another series of odd gestures, and now...I don't
know, I guess a strut of some kind...

JL: It looks like he's doin' the pigeon!

DC: Mr. Y kicks Steve Dallas in the lower abdominals--that may have been
a low blow.  And how he's applying a front facelock, and...it looks like
he may be going for it! Could we see the Y-knot here tonight?

JL: Don't bank on it.

DC: And now Steve Dallas with a NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX! What a move! A
bridge, and...1...2...3!!!  Steve Dallas has won again!!!

<Mr. Y leaps to his feet and begins yelling.  Steve Dallas takes the
microphone.>

Steve Dallas: Best of seven?

Mr. Y: <grabbing the microphone, voice cracking> DAMN RIGHT!

DC: Mr. Y and Steve Dallas prepare to go at it again.  Mr. Y runs at
Steve Dallas, and a rather sloppy-looking dropkick by the masked man.

JL: Now that's talent, man! You can't get that anywhere but here in this
freak show you call the AICW!

DC: And now Mr. Y stumblingly gets back up to his feet, and a boot to
the lower abdominals...or perhaps a low blow, it's hard to tell from
this vantage point...

JL: ANOTHER one? Doesn't this guy know any real wrestling holds? How can
one man be so...bad? How the hell did he get in here?

DC: Mr. Y going for a piledriver, but he can't quite get him up! He's
straining! He's almost got him! The veins in his neck are protruding!

JL: "Protruding"? Where'd you learn a word like that?

DC: And...he's got him up! But NO! He can't hold him! He goes completely
over, and he's flat on his back! But Steve Dallas on top of him, and
Thripaq is counting! 1...2...3!!! This match is over!

JL: Again!

DC: Mr. Y looks like he's about to call for a "best of 9" match, but
Mark McMahon has the microphone!

Mark McMahon: Mr. Y, you are the most pathetic loser I've ever seen
wrestle!  Maybe my father will offer you a job as some kind of wrestling
bunny or something.  How can you want a "best of seven" match?  In the
good ol' 80's, we never had "best of seven"!  It was ONE fall and you're
out!  Not 7, not 5, not 3......ONE!!!  You know, I'm sick of these
"stipulation" matches!  In the 80's, we had three stipulations to choose
from: Steel Cage Match, Loser Leaves Town Match, and a Handicap Match!
We don't need anymore!  You fans think you have this business figured
out, but just when you think you know the answers, I change the
questions!  ...And what'cha gonna do, BROTHER, when Mark-a-mania
runs WILD on you!!!

DC: Ladies and gentlemen, when we come back, the big announcement
concerning the AICW Television Title!!!