DC: We're back, ladies and gentlemen--and...Mr. Y is still searching for
a microphone.

JL: If he were smart, he'd just ask our friend Andy Burton for his! Duh!

DC: Now Mr. Y's got a steel chair, and he's waving it threateningly at
the afore-mentioned Mr. Burton!

<Mr. Y takes the microphone from Andy Burton and slides into the ring.
He taps the microphone and begins to speak.>

Mr. Y: Alright, now what happened the other night was BOGUS! I was out
here, trying to do some great mic work for all you pieces of trash
<spins clockwise, pointing at all the fans; then he stops and spins
counter-clockwise, pointing at all the fans.> but you weren't giving me
any kind of respect! You threw stuff at me, and you yelled and
screamed, and threw stuff, and just didn't give a damn that the world's
greatest athlete, the Supreme Ruler of the World, Mr. Y <pauses as fans
begin to boo loudly> That's right, MR. Y! I am Mr. Y! I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread, and you didn't give me any kind of respect! I
come out here, and that piece of trash The Crow
comes and beats me! The only reason he beat me is because he attacked me
from behind! That's right, he attacked me from behind! You'd think I
might be a little <voice cracks> frustrated--? FRUSTRATED isn't the
gosh-darn word for it! This is <voice cracks> BULLCRAP! I've been
screwed! That Crow guy and everybody back in that <voice cracks again>
gosh-darn dressing room are all giving me a raw deal! He screws me,
Argie Otero screws me, and I'm <voice cracks yet again> SICK of it!

JL: Argie screws him--?

DC: Not one more word.

Mr. Y: <unfolds the chair and sits down> I'm gonna sit right here...<the
crowd boos loudly and begins to throw rubbish> That's right, I'm gonna
sit my ASS right here until we get somebody out here with some stroke!

DC: Well, we were scheduled to have Money and Power vs. Reign of Terror,
but it looks like that match may be delayed...until we get someone with
some "stroke" out here.

JL: Well this guy might as well be sitting here "stroking"
something...besides his ego!

Mr. Y: Well? I'm waiting!

DC: I don't think Argie Otero will be coming out here just to appease
this guy...

Mr. Y: Now come on! Get her FAT ASS out here! I'm shooting! Yeah, I'm
gonna shoot on her ASS! This is a <voice cracks> SHOOT interview! You
know what? Being as I'm shooting, I might as well go through the roster
and tell all you idiots what I think of all these idiots on the roster!
<pulls out a sheet of paper and unfolds it.> See, this is the
AICW roster! <holds up the sheet of paper> See? The roster! <a white
Keds sneaker hits him in the head> Oh, so <voice cracks> THAT's where it
went! <Mr. Y goes after his shoe and stumblingly puts it back on his
foot.> Ummm...<looks at the roster.> Oh yeah! The roster! Alright, now
let's go through <holds up the paper> THE AICW ROSTER! Yeah!
<reads the paper> Let's start with Blackjack Takahashi.  Where'd this
guy come up with that name? I mean, "Takahashi"? And Blackjack...what is
he, a card dealer from the Vegas section of Korea, or something? <people
continue to boo, shout vulgar and abusive remarks, and throw garbage.>
I'll kick his butt and send him back to Korea, or wherever
he came from! Hong Kong, maybe! Yeah, I'll send him back to China! That
filthy immigrant! I'll kick his Blackjack butt! And then there's "Hot
Stuff" Harry Huckleberry! What's that, a new flavor of breakfast cereal?
He's not such "Hot Stuff"! I'll kick his "Hot Stuff" butt! The Nubian
Warriors? I'm the only real warrior here in the AICW!
I'll send those two guys back to Nubia! And then there's Loki.  Ummm,
he's fat! I'll kick his fat butt! Steve Wannabe...ummm, injured? Yeah,
he's injured! I injured him! I chased him out of the AICW! No, no...wait
a minute! He's not really injured! He's just <voice cracks> SCARED!
Yeah, he's a <voice cracks> CHICKEN! He's afraid of Mr. Y! I
am the Supreme Ruler of the Earth! Bow down to your master! Oh, then
there's the Egyptian Magician! How original! I bet he thinks nobody ever
heard of that name before! Well, here's a shock for the world! Yeah, I'm
shooting here! This guy ripped his name off of...ready for this?--THE
JERKY BOYS! Yeah, that's right, the Jerky Boys! I bet you
didn't think I knew that, right? Well it's true! And I'm gonna take that
cab-driving immigrant by the neck, and I'm gonna JERK his neck, and I'm
just gonna shake him, and shake him, and shake him! Yeah, that's right!
And then I'm gonna...I'm gonna...I'm gonna shake him some more! Until
his face turns red! No, <voice cracks> BLUE! I'm gonna kick his
immigrant butt! He can't even speak English! Who else do we have here?
<looks at the roster as he gets pelted in the head with a full cup of
soda> Chandler Stone? That guy's a <voice cracks> DORK! Yeah, he's a
dork!

JL: Look who's talking, ya nimrod!

Mr. Y: I'll kick his scrawny butt! That chick that manages him, what's
her name...Marlena? No, Erin! That's it! Erin...she's hot! She wants me!
That's right, she wants me! Erin, you know you want me! Ummm...<pauses.
Notices a fan with an Erin T-shirt.  Points to himself> Yeah, she wants
me.  How about this Saint Stephen guy? Yeah, Saint Stephen! He's no
saint! Every <voice cracks> IDIOT knows that you have
to be dead to be a saint! Well, he may not be dead yet, but when I get
done with him, he'll wish he was dead! I'll kick his holy butt! Then
there's <voice cracks> Legion! He's nuts! He's a friggin' loony! He
oughta be locked up! What's he doing wrestling? He's not fit to wrestle!
He oughta be in a rubber room somewhere! He's like...
wasn't there something in the Bible--? Oh yeah, Legion was some guy
possessed by a bunch of demons! Kinda like the Exorcist movies! Those
were pretty scary flicks...I watched those, I was <voice cracks> scarred
for life! He probably watched one of those movies, and that's why he's
so screwed in the head...yeah, then there's the Rising Suns.  Those
guys, I'll beat 'em.  I'll beat 'em both with my hands tied behind my
back! They may call themselves the Rising Suns, but when I get done with
them, they'll be the FALLING Suns! Yeah, that's right...the FALLING
Suns! Yeah, it'll be like a SUNSET! And you know how at a sunset, the
skies are like red and crap? Well, the ring will be red with their
BLOOD! Yeah, that's right! Their BLOOD! And Reign of Terror! The only
reign of terror around here is the reign of Mr. Y! I am the Supreme
Ruler of the Earth, and I rule with an iron fist! <waves his fist around
threateningly> I am MR. Y! <continues to wave his fist around aimlessly>
Bow down to your <voice cracks> MASTER!

DC: And here comes Reign of Terror--they're standing at ringside, a
little unsure of what's going on here...

Mr. Y: <noticing the Reign of Terror> Hold on, hold on a minute...just
wait a minute, I'm not done yet! Just wait your turn, I'll be done soon!
Yeah, I'll be done in just a few more hours.  Just wait! Okay...damn, I
lost my place! Hold on a minute...oh yeah! Reign of Terror! That's
right, Reign of Terror! The only reign of terror around here is
the reign of Mr. Y!

DC: Ummm...this seems familiar...

JL: Whoa, man! Deja vu!

Mr. Y: I am the Supreme Ruler of the Earth, and I rule with an iron
fist! <waves his fist around threateningly> I am MR. Y! <continues to
wave his fist around aimlessly> Bow down to your <voice cracks> MASTER!
Who else is there? Oh yeah...The Great Salami! Now, I would make some
sexual joke, but this is live TV...oh heck, I'm <voice cracks> SHOOTING!
Yeah, this is a SHOOT interview! Great Salami? His "salami" isn't so
great! I've got a three-inch salami! <the crowd erupts into laughter>
That's right, a three-incher! Hey, what's so funny? I've got the damn
biggest <beep> in the world!

DC: Ummm...ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for that...ummm...thank God
for the three-second delay...

Mr. Y: Johnny Smith? This guy calls himself the "Golden Boy", well he
ain't nothin' but a <voice cracks> FAIRY boy! That's right, a fairy boy!

JL: Whoa, man! Deja vu! AGAIN!

Mr. Y: He's a fairy, and I'm gonna kick his fairy butt! Ice Cold? Yo
man, what up with that? Huh? No, really...what up with that? Huh? This
guy's Captain Ebonics! What up with that! <struts around the ring like a
hoodlum> What up with that?! <rapping> My name's Ice Cold, and I'm here
to say, Mr. Y is gonna kick my African-American butt in every single
way! Word to your mother! Wow, I'm pretty good! What up with that?

JL: Vanilla Ice, eat your heart out.

Mr. Y: Johnny Payne? <becoming excited> Yeah! Johnny PAYNE?! I'll show
him PAIN! I am the MASTER OF PAIN! YEAH! BOW DOWN TO YOUR MASTER! See,
I'm the MASTER of Payne! Yeah! There's a subtle pun there, you know! It
probably went over you idiots' heads! "Master of PAIN", "Johnny PAYNE",
get it? GET IT?! Aw, fergit it...you people are <voice
cracks> STUPID! Then there's the Shogun of Harlem.  Gimme a break! Every
<voice cracks> IDIOT knows there are no shoguns in Harlem! There's just
a bunch of African-Americans! Shogun of Harlem, you will bow down to
your MASTER! Then there's Johnny Blaze! Johnny Blaze, you won't go down
in a blaze of glory, you'll just GO DOWN! DOWN TO YOUR
MASTER! Then there's Mr. Y.  Who the hell is that loser? I'll kick his
butt! Mr. Y, you will BOW DOWN TO YOUR MASTER! <Mr. Y catches a glimpse
of himself on the jumbotron monitor with the caption "Mr. Y" underneath
it.> Whoa! I'm Mr. Y! Yeah, that's right...I'm Mr. Y, and I am the
Supreme Ruler of the Earth! Then there's The Crow...yeah, the guy who
<voice cracks> cheated me out of my match this week! Well,
I'll kick his butt next time we meet! In fact, yeah...he challenged me
to accept his little offer for a "no-holds-barred" match? Well guess
what? <shrieking> I ACCEPT! Yeah, that's right! I accept! Listen up, The
Crow! I'm gonna beat your birdy-butt all over the place, because it's NO
HOLDS BARRED! I'm gonna slap on the Y-knot, and you're gonna be <voice
cracks> screaming in pain!

DC: You heard it straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak! He
accepts the Crow's challenge!

Mr. Y: That's right, The Crow! I'll beat your butt! Then there's Martin
X.  He's another one of those African-Americans! I'll beat his
African-American butt! He goes around talking about <voice cracks> white
people! He's got that "flying honkey smasher" of his, and the "sounds of
blackness!" You know what the sounds of blackness are? <pauses> Do you
know what they are? "What up with that! My name's Martin X, what up with
that? Mr. Y's gonna beat my butt with a baseball bat!"

JL: Oh Gaaawd! Not again!

Mr. Y: Who else is there? Nicky De Niro! Some Italian pizza jockey who
thinks he's some mobster, like somethin' out of the Godfather! Some
Marlon Brando type! I'm not scared of the mafia! I'll join the Witness
Protection Program if I gotta! Nicky De Niro, you're gonna be wearing a
pair of cement shoes! BOW DOWN TO YOUR MASTER! Who else? Oh yeah!
El...El Ag...Ag-oo...Agua...Iguana...Agilla...ah, some Mexican! I'll
send him runnin' for the border! That taco-sniffer!

DC: Folks, we have to take a commercial break.  Hopefully, when we come
back, this...Mr. Y will be done with his...um...tirade.

JL: I wouldn't count on it.