Dan: Welcome back AICW fans! We've got our big main event between Legion and St. Stephen up next. Now, these two men have met once before. That was one of the most explosive matches we've ever seen here in AICW. Tonight they meet again, but this time, in a FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH! What thoughts, if any, do you two clowns have? Dima: I was just thinking, Dan. Is true that a count-out is a "fall?" Dan: Yes, Dima. Dima: Then if match is "falls count anywhere," is it not logical that one can be "counted out" INSIDE the ring? Juan: OOOHHH!! The genius has another mighty brainstorm. Let me get out my umbrella so I don't get hit with the light mist. Dan: Count-out and disqualifications don't count in this match! This should be one hell of a match! Let's get this thing started! Andy Burton: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the MAIN EVENT of the evening! Introducing first, from the Vatican, weighing 234 pounds, ST. STEPHEN! <"YTSE Jam" by Dream Theater plays over the sound system.> Dan: And here comes St. Stephen! He's all business tonight. He gets in the ring to the boos of this crowd and gives them the sign of the cross. Dima: In Mother Russia, if a man gives the sign of the cross, he is shot by the guards. Juan: Is that before of after they hang him up by the nuts? Andy Burton: And his opponent, from Cleveland, Ohio, weighing 260 pounds, LEGION!!! Dan: Legion comes out to a thunderous ovation! He's quite a popular guy even though he may not realize it. Juan: All I know is that he came from Ohio...nothing good EVER came out of the CHEESE state. For example look at the Cleveland Indians and the Green Bay Packers...they'll all a bunch of wusses! Dan: These two men set to lock up, but what is this? Mark McMahon is coming down to ringside! He's grabbed the microphone from Andy Burton and now he's getting in the ring. Juan: Oh, not another one that likes to talk. Where do they get these people? In my superstar capacity, I demand more action and less words! Mark McMahon: Before you two meat-heads put each other in the hospital, I got something to say, so listen up! You people SHUT UP! I'm talkin' here and this concerns YOU! You people make me sick and do you know why? I bet not, because half of you HUMANOIDS probably didn't make it past the third grade! All you care about is seeing two grown men beat the living hell out of each other, plaster each other with steel chairs, and drive each other through tables! See what I mean? You don't even care what kind of storyline or reasoning is involved! You're a bunch of MARKS! A few weeks ago, a guy dies, and you fans disrespect him by interrupting his ten-bell salute! You make me SICK! I oughta show up at all your funerals and spit on your coffins! Would you like that? Would you like me to crack your dead body through a table? How many of you stupid idiots would like that? I rest my case. I'll get the ambulance ready! Dan: Legion and St. Stephen don't seem to care for Mr. McMahon's comments, and they're tearing into each other! Both men, relentless, punching away at each other, bent on destruction! Juan: Ho-Hum, I guess it's just another thing us superstars have to put up with...excessive and unnecessary violence. Because of my FABULOUS personality, everybody wants me on their show. How did I get myself stuck here with you losers? I must have been drunk when I agreed to do this! Dan: Neither man has the upper hand right now as they're both on the ground rolling over each other trying to gain an edge. Legion on top now, St. Stephen trying to block those blows. Wait a minute, Legion grabs referee Thripaq Nguyen's foot! He's trying to...YES...he took Nguyen's shoe and is using it on St. Stephen! He's whacking St. Stephen in the forehead with the sole of the shoe! Nguyen is not happy! How is St. Stephen gonna get himself out of this! Wait a minute! Referee Thripaq Nguyen just superkicked Legion in the back of the head! Legion drops the shoe and St. Stephen shoves him off and gets back on his feet! Legion is down and he's gripping the back of his head. Nguyen is reprimanding him! Dima: He got what he deserved. In Mother Russia, when a man steals another man's shoes, he is sent to Siberia barefoot! Dan: St. Stephen now taking advantage of Legion's predicament. He's stomping him in the back of the head! Legion is absorbing a lot of punishment! St. Stephen peels Legion off of the mat and sends him into the ropes. Legion comes back and St. Stephen with a nice spinning leg lariat and Legion hits the mat hard! St. Stephen drops the elbow on Legion and now his holiness gets up on the second turnbuckle to give the sign of the cross to the crowd! This guy is too much! Juan: What does he expect us to do? Bow down at his feet and worship at his altar? (makes a face) Yuck!!! Organized religion just doesn't sit well with me. Dan: St. Stephen steps down from the ropes and approaches Legion who is getting back on his feet. St. Stephen looks to be setting up Legion for a powerbomb! He goes for the pickup, but Legion blocks it! Legion now backdrops St. Stephen up and over the top ropes! St. Stephen was too close to the ropes that time and his back hit the concrete hard! St. Stephen has the wind knocked out of him, but he's struggling to get to his feet. Meanwhile, Legion is going up to the top rope! He's perched up top, waiting for St. Stephen! St. Stephen turns around, but Legion comes off the top with a FLYING BODY PRESS to the outside! He goes for the cover, but Thripaq Nguyen is slow to get to the outside. He counts. ONE......... TWO........... St. Stephen kicks out! Legion is none too happy about this! He's getting in Nguyen's face! St. Stephen's got a chair he's winding up and he nails Legion from behind with the chair! St. Stephen lays the chair down on the concrete and picks up Legion. He sets up Legion and executes a BRAIN BUSTER on the steel chair! He covers Legion! ONE.... TWO...... Legion kicks out just in time! Nguyen's count was a tad on the fast side. Juan: I didn't notice anything! Are you sure we're both looking to the same match? Dan: St. Stephen picks up Legion now and he whips him hard into the post! Legion staggers backwards and into a St. Stephen GERMAN SUPLEX! But wait, St. Stephen's back hit the chair on the way down! Both men are down! Who's gonna get up first?! It looks like Legion sustained the worst of that blow! St. Stephen is getting up first! Now he's picking up Legion again. He whips him to the guardrail, but Legion reverses it and St. Stephen hits the steel hard and the barricade just came down! St. Stephen is in the crowd! His head is laying against a chair! The fans are scattering! Crowd: ECW! ECW! ECW! ECW! Dan: Only in the AICW! Here comes Legion! He runs towards St. Stephen and tries to drive the knee into Stephen's head! St. Stephen rolls away at the last second and Legion's knee went full force into the side of that steel chair! He's clutching his knee! St. Stephen able to buy some time for himself. He sees that Legion is injured! He's slapping on a figure-four leglock! This should put Legion away! St. Stephen's got it locked in! Legion is screaming in pain and referee Thripaq Nguyen looks like he's trying to convince Legion to submit! Dima: This Legion is an idiot! Dan: Legion reaches behind him and he grabs a chair! He's sitting up, fighting the pain! He rears back and cracks St. Stephen in the head with the chair, forcing him to break the hold! Nguyen tries to grab the chair from Legion, and there's a chair shot for Nguyen! Nguyen is out cold! Legion is limping but he's able to pick up St. Stephen and he's bringing this match into the crowd! The fans are following these two men towards the back! They're over by the hockey boards, punching away at each other! St. Stephen gets the upper hand and he clotheslines Legion into the penalty box! St. Stephen steps up on top of the boards! He's measuring Legion! St. Stephen with a legdrop on Legion IN the penalty box! He covers Legion in what little space there is in there, but there's no referee! He counts for himself! ONE...TWO...THREE! Too bad it doesn't count! Juan: AWWWW...poor baby! (in a taunting voice) Is the baby gonna cry now? Does he want his mammy? Dan: St. Stephen is frustrated! He's going back near ringside, where referee Thripaq Nguyen is trying to collect himself! He picks up Nguyen and forces him over to where Legion is laying. Legion still in that penalty box. St. Stephen standing next to the penalty box, he's telling Nguyen to count. Legion stands up and elbows St. Stephen in the back of the head! St. Stephen never saw it coming! Legion hops out of the penalty box and executes an inverted atomic drop on St. Stephen! Legion now follows that up with a clothesline that sends St. Stephen down. Legion now drops the elbow on his holiness! Legion goes for the cover! Nguyen counts! ONE............ TWO.............. St. Stephen barely able to kick out! This match is taking its toll on both men! Legion picks up Stephen and he's dragging him up the steps! These two, taking shots at each other as they make their way to the exit! Legion with a kick to the midsection! Legion now setting up St. Stephen and he executes a nice suplex on the concrete! These fans are going crazy! Legion is waiting patiently for St. Stephen to get up. His holiness starting to get to his feet. Legion is waiting right behind him and he executes a FULL NELSON! Legion is trying to put St. Stephen away! Nguyen is asking St. Stephen if he wants to submit, but St. Stephen isn't done yet! Legion lets go of the hold and immediately slaps on the Nightmare! St. Stephen is caught in a sleeper! He's blacking out! His knees have given way and Legion has this hold on St. Stephen while they're lying on the concrete! I think St. Stephen is out as Legion lets go and goes for the cover! Here's the count! ONE...... TWO...... THR..NO! St. Stephen kicks out! Legion cannot believe it! Legion peels St. Stephen up off the cold concrete and he's leading him into the exit tunnel! The fans are pouring out of their seats and following these two out into the concession area! They're near a merchandise stand! Legion grabs a Loki action figure and jams it into St. Stephen's forehead! St. Stephen not faring well at this point! Legion throws the figure to the crowd and rolls St. Stephen on top of the table! Legion is getting on the table as well and he sets up St. Stephen and PILEDRIVES St. Stephen through the table!!! The fans are going bezerk! Legion goes for the pin, but Nguyen is trapped somewhere in the crowd! I can't even make him out! Where is...THERE! Nguyen now able to push his way through the fans and he makes the count! ONE... TWO.... NO! A fan just distracted referee Thripaq Nguyen and he broke the count! Legion would've had him! Legion is irate! He picks up St. Stephen and they're shoving their way through the crowd! They're over by a refreshment stand! What is Legion doing! He sets up St. Stephen and OH-NO!!!!! He just hiptossed St. Stephen on top of the hot dog roller! St. Stephen has been badly burned! He's screaming in pain! Legion on top of the counter now! He's got the giant ketchup bottle in his hands! He leaps off the top and drives the bottle into St. Stephen! He covers him! Nguyen trying to get over the counter! He now makes the count! ONE.... TWO...... THR.....NO!!!! St. Stephen is still in this! Legion can't believe it! Legion now picks up St. Stephen and he rolls him over the top of the counter and follows his holiness over the counter as well. Nguyen, lagging behind as usual! Juan: Where are they headed next?...The restrooms. I just hope they don't go into the ladies room, the line is horrendous! Dan: Legion is forcing St. Stephen over towards the men's room! They're going in! The fans are piling in as well! Legion grabs the garbage can and tries to plaster St. Stephen with it, but St. Stephen able to block it! St. Stephen with a kick to the midsection and he grabs the can from Legion! St. Stephen using the garbage can on Legion! Legion goes down hard as St. Stephen throws the can away. St. Stephen grabs Legion as he gets to his feet and he sets him up for a STUN GUN on the sink! Legion went head-first into that sink and St. Stephen going for the pin! Nguyen there to count. ONE...... TWO...... THR....Legion kicks out just before the three! Legion staying in this one! St. Stephen now with the upper hand. He picks up Legion and rams his head into the door of that stall! Legion goes down near that toilet as St. Stephen goes to get that garbage can! Legion now in trouble! St. Stephen drives that can into Legion's head! He's using it like a hammer! Legion pulls St. Stephen closer to him! He's got St. Stephen's head right above the toilet! Legion able to slam the seat down on St. Stephen's head! I can't believe what we are seeing! Legion getting to his feet! St. Stephen getting to his feet! Legion with a kick to the midsection! Legion now setting St. Stephen up on top of the toilet seat! He's setting him up for a NOOOO!!! Legion with a PILEDRIVER!!!! He just executed a piledriver on St. Stephen and drove him right through the porcelain toilet seat! The seat is broken, there's water everywhere and St. Stephen is lacerated across the forehead! Legion now going for the pin! Nguyen counts! ONE.... TWO....... THREE!!!!!!!! Legion is victorious! The fans have erupted for Legion! Legion now flushes the toilet and water is pouring out all over the face of Saint Stephen! There you see the water mixed with St. Stephen's blood, running down into the drains! Andy Burton has the announcement! Andy Burton: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match, at a time of 27:34, LEGION!!! Dan: Guys, I can't believe what we have seen tonight! What a show! Dima: It was........mildly entertaining. Dan: I've never seen such incredible action! Juan: Nor will you ever if you don't get out of the house more, Danny Boy! No matter what you've heard, a cat is not a substitute for a woman---I'm not even going to mention the rubber doll! EWWWWW!!! Dan: SHUT UP! We'll see you fans again for the big Halloween card! Don't you dare miss it! It's going to be one for the ages! Good night!