Dan: We're back and ready for our next contest, lets go to Andy Burton. Juan: I hope this one's more entertaining than the last one. I almost injured myself when I fell out of the chair trying to take a nap! Andy Burton: This contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, accompanied by the Care Taker, from Los Angeles, California, weighing 299 pounds, BODY BAG! Dan: This guy is all business! He's not even acknowleding the fans as he comes to the ring here! Dima: He has no personality! DIMA, on the other hand, is a paragon of society....and STRONG like the bull! Juan: You got that right...you are all bull...bull that is. Andy Burton: And his opponent, led to the ring by Miss Cindy, from New York City, weighing in at 270 pounds, "TOO HOT" JOHNNY VAUGHT!!! Dan: Johnny is very arrogant! He's already getting in some of the faces of these fans! Oh, and he's doing the groin chop! Who does he think he is, Scott Hall? He seems overly confident going into this match. Dima: Dima is NEVER over confident. We Russians always back up our words! If not for your weak President Kennedy, we would still have missiles on Sister Cuba! Reminds me of quote from Premier Krushchev! "WE WILL BURY YOU!" Juan: How ya gonna do that when your country's too poor to even shell out the moola for the coffins? Dan: Vaught not wasting any time in tearing into Body Bag! The bell rings and we are underway! Johnny with an armdrag takedown and look at this...he's posing already! Dima: That is not a pose! Only Russians pose gracefully! Dan: Body Bag up now, he comes back at Vaught but is met with a kick to the midsection! Johnny Vaught nails him with a DDT! Vaught to the ropes for a legdrop, but Body Bag rolls away! Johnny goes down and Body Bag with an elbow drop! Body Bag goes to the second rope! He goes for a splash, but now Vaught moves out of the way! Johnny is up again and nails Body Bag with a dropkick! Vaught gets his second wind! Juan: I'm just glad we're not "downwind" from this guy. He smells worse than a New Jersey landfill. Oh no wait...what am I saying? New Jersey IS a landfill! Dan: Body Bag gets up and Johnny Vaught goes to the ropes and plasters Body Bag with a flying forearm! Body Bag goes down and Johnny goes to the top! He comes off and nails Body Bag with the SEXYSAULT!!! He goes for the pin! Referee Ramon De La Cerveza counts...ONE....TWO......THREE!!!! Vaught wins it! Andy Burton: Here is your winner, at a time of 3 minutes and 12 seconds, "TOO HOT" JOHNNY VAUGHT!!! Dan: Vaught was certainly impressive tonight! Hopefully we'll see more of this young athlete here in the AICW! Juan: I think you need to get some glasses Dan. The only thing impressive about Vaught is his complete lack of imagination when it came to naming his finisher...I mean what kind of screwed up mind would come up with a name like the "SEXYSAULT"??? Dan: Our next match will pit "Outlaw" Scotty Wilson of the Blood Brotherz against "8 Ball" Vic Garibaldi! Any comments about this one? Dima: One is a yankee hick, the other a hairy Italian! They are like mice fighting over piece of cheese! Juan: For once I agree with the Russian dog! These guys probably came straight out of a Jerry Lewis movie. Andy Burton: This contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, led to the ring by James "The Don" Garibaldi, from Little Italy, weighing 245 pounds, "8 BALL" VIC GARIBALDI!!! Dan: Only a few cheers for this newcomer as he makes his way to the ring. Juan: Whoever cheered must have been feeling some real pity for this poor schmuck...If it were up to me, I would have just turned the other way and tried to ignore him. Dan: Get a look at that tattoo on his hand! Andy Burton: And his opponent...led to the ring by The Rascal, from South Central Los Angeles, weighing 333 pounds, one half of the Blood Brotherz, "OUTLAW" SCOTTY WILSON! Dan: He's ignoring these fans! The Blood Brotherz are not too popular here in the AICW! Dima: In Russia, they spray paint "DIMA is GOD" on the subway walls! Juan: "They???" What do you mean "THEY"? I caught you redhanded yesterday with a spraycan in your hand trying to paint "Dima Rulez" in the AICW locker room. Give it up you antisocial pervert! Dan: Wilson in solo action tonight! He's more suited for tag team competition, but this should be a great match nonetheless! Dima: Two mice! Dan: The two men are standing in their respected corners warming up. The bell sounds and they lock up. The Outlaw, the bigger and stronger of the two easily overpowers Vic and forces him to his knees. A headbutt to the face and Garibaldi is down. Outlaw, picking him up and scoop slam! He hooks the leg, 1..................2............... and Vic with the kickout! Dima: Vic looking very puny! I'm not surprised! Dan: Scotty Wilson picking up Vic and sends him to the ropes. He lifts up his leg for the boot to the face, but Vic ducks! Vic comes back and catches Scotty LOW and the big man bending over in pain! And referee Thripaq laughing at Scotty! This guys a mentalcase! Juan: This guy is RICH!! Did you catch a look in his bank book? If I thought I could make that much as a referee, you guys would be seeing me in there right now. Dan: Vic with the Eye Gouge to Wilson. He goes for the big man's legs and takes him down with a single leg takedown. Vic now setting him up, and an elbowdrop to the chest of Wilson. Vic, picking him up and a CHICKEN WING! Wilson in pain, but he's able to get to the ropes and Vic forced to break the hold. Dima: Wilson taking the CHICKEN way out! If it was The Mighty Dima in that hold, I would have just used my super RUSSIAN strength ! Dan: Vic sending Wilson to the ropes, and a clothesline! But the big man still standing! Vic now running to the ropes. He comes back and a beautiful flying clothesline sends The Outlaw to the mat. Vic with the pin, 1.........................2....................KICKOUT! Vic picking the big man up and beautiful STUN GUN SUPLEX. Vic now running to the ropes and DROPS THE BIG LEG! Vic with the pin, 1............................. 2............................. KICKOUT! Juan(looking at her nails): Yeah, yeah, yeah. One, two, kickout...right, I'm SSSSOOOOOOOO impressed! Dan: Vic now picking The Outlaw off the mat. He SLINGSHOTS him into the turnbuckles for the CORNER POCKET and The Outlaw clutching his back in pain. Here is comes!!!!!!!!! THE SHAKEDOWN! A Texas Cloverleaf!! The Outlaw screaming in pain. Thripaq checking for the submission, and HE SUBMITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Andy Burton: The winner of the match, "8 BALL" VIC GARIBALDI! Dan: "8 Ball" with a very impressive debut over "The Outlaw"! Dima: Scotty Wilson is PATHETIC!!! Juan: Is he going to leave the ring already or does the janitor have to mop his sorry butt off the mat?? Dan: Up next we have The Crow against Mr. Y in a NO HOLDS BARRED MATCH! Last time these two met, Mr. Y was busy speaking his mind while the Crow walked up behind him and chokeslammed Mr. Y to get the quick victory. Will we see the same quick victory tonight? Lets go to Andy Burton! Juan: PLEASE, PLEASE make Mr. Y shut up. I can't stand another 20 minutes of non-stop drivel. It almost put me in a coma last time. Andy Burton: Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is a NO HOLDS BARRED MATCH! Introducing first, from Parts Unknown, weighing 245 pounds, MR. Y! <"Master of Puppets" by Metallica thunders throughout the arena..while Mr. Y.....thunders in his boots.> Dan: Here comes Mr. Y, not many people are bowing down are they. Juan: They'd have to get down pretty low to do that. This guy is shorter than Joe Pesci in high heels. Dan: Keep in mind that Mr. Y is limited to only three minutes. Hopefully, the Crow will end Mr. Y's career. Mr. Y will also have business with Mr. X, the newcomer who claims that Mr. Y stole his gimmick. Dima: He should use a "powerhouse Russian under a mask" gimmick! Juan: We should just put those two on a deserted island and let them talk each other to death. They certainly deserve it after doing it to us so many times. Dan: Oh no..he has the microphone. Mr. Y: Alright, you buncha jerks! I got some crap I wanna say! (The fans begin to boo loudly) That's right, CRAP! I got plenty of crap to say! First off, I wanna talk about this Mr. X guy. He comes in here, talking about how I'm ripping him off, how I'm making his gimmick look bad! Well, he's the one ripping ME off! That's right, he's ripping me off! And when I get in the ring with his sorry butt, I'm gonna rip that ugly face offa him! That's right, he's UGLY! And he smells! No, he STINKS! (a mostly full cup of soda hits Mr. Y in the head) OWWWW! HEY! QUIT THROWING (voice cracks) JUNK AT ME!!! Now as I was saying...ummmmm...ummmmmmmmmmm...(shifts nervously) ummmmmmmmmm (voice cracks) OH YEAH! The Crow! That's who I'm facing tonight! Yeah, The Crow! Well lemme tell you somethin', The Crow! I've faced you before, but tonight it's NO HOLDS BARRED! ANYTHING GOES! Do you know what that means? Huh? Do you know what it means? Well, do ya? I'll tell you what it means! It means...it means...yeah, it means I can kick your butt! WORSE than I would've kicked it anyway! And tonight, TONIGHT I will debut my incredible, innovative submission hold, the Y-KNOT! RIGHT HERE TONIGHT! Isn't that (voice cracks) GREAT?! (the fans are thoroughly unimpressed) And tonight I'm gonna beat The Crow's butt! And then I might just have to get that Mr. Y out here...whoops, Mr. X, whatever...get Mr. X out here and beat HIS butt, too! And I... (a timer appears on the jumbotron as the fans begin to count along.) Crowd: TEN! ... NINE! ... EIGHT! ... Mr. Y: What? Huh? NO! (shrieks) My interview time can't be over already! You can't do this! I'm not done yet! (the crowd continues to count along) NOOOOOO!!! Awwwwww, come on! (whining) Just one more minute? I promise I'll make this quick! Crowd: TWO! ... ONE!!! (the fans erupt in cheers as a buzzer sounds) Mr. Y: Awwwwwwwwwww, shucks! (jumps up and down) Dan: This capacity crowd quite enthused at Mr. Y's rousing speech. Juan(standing up and clapping): YEAH!!! WOOOOOHOOOOO!!! Get that microphone away from him! In his hands, it can be a deadly weapon. AB: And his opponent, about to enter the ring, from Parts Unknown, weighing 325 lbs., here is The Crow!!! Dan: The Crow looking for some retribution against Mr. Y for some of the abrasive remarks made against him in recent weeks. This match should be interesting. Dima: Not interesting--PATHETIC. I laugh heartily at these Americans. Take, just as example, this Mr. Y. Mr. Y, he only has one letter for his surname. Back in Mother Russia, the greatness of a man is measured by the length of his last name! Juan: The name, huh? Well, from the length of yours, I'd say you weren't much of a man, isn't that right DIMA??!! Dan: Mr. Y points at The Crow, and he seems pretty eager to get this match underway! Now he's waving his hand around and cupping it next to his ear, much the way a certain superstar of yesteryear used to do, although the reaction produced isn't quite as favorable... Dima: Of course not! He is not Russian! Only Russians can produce such great reaction as did the great Nikolai Volkoff! Dan: Ummm...forget it. Back to the action in the ring...Mr. Y points at the Crow, and looks around at the crowd! Now he's winding up as if to throw a punch! But the Crow bashes him with a hard right hand, sending him down to the canvas! Mr. Y rolls out of the ring, and now he goes for a chair! He's poking it in the Crow's direction in, I guess a threatening manner... Juan: How can you tell? He can barely pick that chair up in the first place. Dan: The Crow walks toward Mr. Y, and Mr. Y still brandishing that chair...The Crow approaching Mr. Y, and--Mr. Y holds the chair up to his face, and cringes behind it! Dima: Spineless American! He is as nothing! Dan: Now the Crow kicks the chair into Mr. Y's head, and Mr. Y goes reeling! Mr. Y stumbles around ringside, and the Crow follows! Mr. Y back into the ring, and the Crow follows...now Mr. Y slaps the Crow in the face! What an insult! And now Mr. Y is covering his face, cowering in terror! The Crow looks around and soaks up the reaction of the crowd! Now the Crow gives him a boot to the midsection, and an DDT takes Mr. Y down! Mr. Y clutching his head, and he rolls out of the ring! Mr. Y: THAT HURT! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?! He's (voice cracks) SHOOTING!! Dan: Mr. Y apparently none too happy with the way the match is progressing... Juan: Unlike everybody else in the auditorium, of course! This is hilarious. We should send it into "America's Funniest Home Videos". It would win grand prize fer sure! Dan: And the Crow follows Mr. Y outside the ring, and Mr. Y runs around, trying desperately to escape! Now Mr. Y drops and rolls underneath the ring! But the Crow walks around to the other side, and as Mr. Y exits he is greeted by the Crow! The Crow lifts Mr. Y, and slams him on the thinly-padded concrete! The Crow now drops an elbow, and Mr. Y is in pain! Dima: You Americans cannot take pain! You Americans are weak! We Russians, we are strong like the bull ! Dan: The Crow lifts Mr. Y to his feet, and CLOTHESLINES him over the barricade, right into the laps of the ringside fans! Juan: And look, they're throwing him right back towards the ring like an undersized fish. Crowd: ECW! ECW! ECW! ECW! Dan: And the fans here chanting "AICW!" We rule the wrestling world, and they all know it! Dima: They should be chanting the name of Dima, the Russian Powerhouse! Dan: The Crow folds a chair and drives it hard into the skull of Mr. Y! Now he SUPLEXES him onto a row of chairs! BOO-YA!!! The Crow brings Mr. Y back to his feet once again, and whips him into the barricade, and the barricade collapses! Mr. Y reaches under the ring for something...what's he got? It looks like a...a canned spam--? Juan: SPAM??!!! What's he gonna do now? Cook the Crow a bad dinner and hope he falls dead from indigestion before he beats him to a pulp? Dima: In Mother Russia, spam was a delicacy! We had to wait in line for many days and many nights in order to get small portion of this, what you Americans call--"spam!" Dan: And now Mr. Y attempting to use the can on the Crow! But the Crow blocks it, and snatches Mr. Y in a belly-to-belly suplex, right on the outside of the ring! Now the Crow going under the ring for something...OH NO! He's got a baseball bat! The fans going wild! Mr. Y up to his knees, and he sees the Crow with the baseball bat! What the--? I think he just fainted! Mr. Y has just passed out! Juan: The little wimp! If you're gonna pass out, at least have the decency to do it AFTER a few smacks to the head first. The fans paid good money to see him beaten and humiliated within an inch of his life! Dan: The Crow lifts Mr. Y's unconscious carcass and tosses it into the ring! Now the Crow climbs back in, and with one foot on Mr. Y's chest, he mockingly makes that "Y" symbol of his for the fans as the ref makes the count! 1...2...3, and it's over! AB: The winner of this contest at a time of 7:04, The Crow! Dima: Never in my life have I seen anything so pathetic! Even in Mother Russia, I would see better fights on the bread line! Juan: Looking at your skinny, 13 year old, prepubescent body, I'd say you lost most of those fights, Dima. Dan: We're going to take a quick break, ladies and gentlemen, and when we return, the Perfectly Perfect Duo take on the Rising Suns! Stay with us! Dima: Or I will crush you !