AICW SATURDAY NIGHT HEAT; October 25, 1997; Palace of Auburn Hills, Detroit, Michigan. AB: Ladies and gentlemen...are you feeling the HEAT tonight?!!! AB: Please welcome Dan "The Man" Chan, "Supersexy" Juan LaFon, and Dima "The Russian Powerhouse" Lerminskiy!!! Dan: DIMA!!! Have you lost your mind?!! Dima: We have only lost control of the government.....temporarily. Dan: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to AICW Saturday Night Heat we've got a great card for you tonight! And...wait a minute....that's "Camel" Joe Banno, the Godfather, and Frankie Sarracco walking through the crowd! They've gotten in the ring! What the hell do they want? Here comes Reba Kola, she's gonna try to get a word with them. Reba: Excuse me "Camel" Joe Banno, can we get a word with you? Mr. Banno! "Camel" Joe Banno: What the hell do you want?!! De Niro, you took it to far this time baby! Im gonna apologize right now, cause the NEXT time I see you, your ass is mine! No mercy! Reba: So "Camel", your saying it was De Niro's fault that you lost the match with Johnny Smith? "Camel": Your damn right its his fault! Alright, this is it, your gonna hear it here first. There is only room for one of us here. TWO WEEKS FROM TONIGHT, me and you, no DQ, loser leaves the AICW! Reba: What are you saying? Are you going to risk everything? "Camel": What do I have to risk, I'll win baby. No DQ, how can I not win with Frankie and the Godfather here. Nicky, your call, just sign on the dotted line! Reba: There you have it. "Camel" Joe Banno challenges Nicky De Niro to a no DQ, loser leave the AICW match! Will De Niro accept? We'll have to wait and see. Back to you guys. Dan: Thank you Reba! And what a way to start this show! Juan: If we were really lucky, those two Mexican chihuahuas would still be out in the cornfields! Well, at least one's better than two. Dan: Anyways, we have a great card tonight! In our MAIN EVENT, Legion takes on St. Stephen in a FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH! That one has been LONG overdue! Juan: LONG OVERDUE?!!! It's hardly missed. If it were up to me, those nimrods would still be waiting....in the unemployment line! Dan: We'll also see the Crow face off against that LOSER, Mr. Y, in a NO HOLDS BARRED MATCH!! Juan: Match my ass. Last time those two got it on, half the auditorium missed it cause they blinked. Dan: And what about "Outlaw" Scotty Wilson in solo action against "8 Ball" Vic Garibaldi? Dima: They make me laugh! Dan: We've also got great tag team action in the Perfectly Perfect Duo versus the Rising Suns! Plus, the Great Salami meets Havoc, "Too Hot" Johnny Vaught goes up against Body Bag, but let's get to our first match, Damion Sikes up against Barry! Andy Burton: Ladies and gentlemen, this is our opening contest of the evening! Introducing first, from El Paso, Texas, weighing 250 pounds, here is BARRY! Dan: Here comes Barry, the man formerly known as Bandetto! He's really made quite a change in the past few weeks, lets see if he can make a difference in the ring! Juan: If he'd only get a change of underwear every couple of months, maybe I'd actually care who won. Andy Burton: And his opponent...led to the ring by Ali, from New York City, weighing in at 220 pounds, representing Four Souls from Out of Hell, DAMION SIKES!!! Dan: Damion Sikes making his way to the ring, he's pretty cocky for a newcomer! Dima: Everybody who comes in the AICW thinks they are tough...until they meet DIMA! Dan: This should be an exciting match-up! There's the bell and this match is underway! Juan: (getting out her pillow) Wake me when they're done. Dan: These two lock up and Barry gets the upper hand. Barry punching away on Sikes, Sikes back to the ropes, Barry whips him to the other side, Sikes comes back and is met with a chop that sends him down. Damion up by himself, Barry with a hiptoss followed up by a chinlock. Referee James Roma asking Sikes if he wants to give up. I don't think Sikes is finished, not by a long-shot. Juan: How am I supposed to catch up on my beauty sleep if those two jerks keep making so much noise?!! Dan: Sikes fights his way back up to his feet, and now he twists Barry's arm into a hammerlock position! Barry with an elbow to the face makes Sikes release the hold, and now a "donkey kick" by Barry! Juan: OOOOOHHHH!!! Hope that didn't hurt anything important! Dan: Barry with a scoop and a slam on Damion. Now he's going to the top rope! High-risk maneuver here by Barry...flying leg drop MISSES the mark! Dima: Ha! I laugh heartily at this Mexican dog! A Russian would never be so stupid! Juan: Yeah! A Russian would be much dumber! Dan: Now Damion Sikes with a whip into the corner, and follows up with a splash! What is this? The Spartan and the Wolverine are making their way to ringside...and both men have baseball bats! Damion Sikes is looking right at them and they're pointing the bats at him! Barry is recovering. He's slowly getting to his feet. Paul "Bloodbath" Robinson is on the other side of the ring distracting referee James Roma! The Wolverine takes a swing with the bat BUT DAMION SIKES DUCKS!!! The Wolverine just clocked Barry in the head! Barry goes down! He turned his lights right out! Sikes goes for the cover! Roma turns around! ONE.....TWO.......THREE!!! Damion Sikes wins! AB: The winner of this contest at a time of 4 minutes and 34 seconds, DAMION SIKES!!! Dan: Barry is unconscious and he's bleeding from the side of his head! The paramedics are in the ring, they're taking him out on a stretcher! Damion Sikes with a very impressive win here tonight on Heat! Juan: If you call beating a no-talent, simpering wimp with the IQ score of a Chia pet impressive, than I guess I can't argue with you. Dan: Ladies and gentlemen, this past Monday night on War, Argie Otero made the announcement of the participants in the "Run the Gauntlet" competition to crown the first-ever AICW World Television Champion! The championship will be decided on Halloween night at the RCA Dome in Indianapolis, Indiana! We'll have more for you later on in the evening concerning what is shaping up to be one fantastic card! Juan: This will be like a home movie--amatuerish and way too long. Dan: Let's get down to Andy Burton, who is standing by with our next match! AB: This contest is scheduled for one fall. Making his way to the ring, weighing 280 lbs., here is the Great Salami!!! (modest cheers) Dan: The Great Salami getting ready to lock up with this man who will be making his debut tonight. Juan: Where'd they pull this guy from? Don't tell me, let me guess--a loony bin in Never Never Land, right? AB: His opponent, accompanied by Carnage and weighing 350 lbs., one half of the Angels of Darkness, here is HAVOC! Dan: Where is Havoc? He's not coming out! What was that?! The lights just flickered and they just went out! What is that voice? Voice: The time has come...the time is now...all should fear...The Angels are coming THE ANGELS OF DARKNESS!!! Dan: I think that was the Creator, Havoc's manager! Whoa! What's that puff of smoke! The Creator, Carnage, and Havoc are at ringside! This Havoc is a big, big man. He looks to be about 6'6"... Dima: He is as nothing. We Russians are big, tough, and strong like the bull! Back in the Motherland, many of our children are 6'6" when they emerge from the womb! Juan: (making a face) All I have to say is, "More Power to my Russian Sisters!" That CAN'T be comfortable! Dan: What is this? Havoc is threatening to throw chairs into the crowd! Referee Ryan Gentle is trying to prevent him from causing an incident here tonight, but...oh no! Havoc has Ryan Gentle by the shirt! There's no call for this! Dima: This Gentle Ryan is puny. In Mother Russia, our referees can defend themselves. Juan: In Mother Russia, they also compete in Long Distance Spitting contests. So what's your point, Dima? Dan: And here comes the Great Salami from behind with a clothesline! Havoc back to his feet, but Salami takes him down with a bodyslam! Havoc regains his vertical base and charges again, but Salami with an armdrag takedown! Salami picks his opponent back up, and a whip into the corner! Now a Salami chop that reverberates throughout the arena! Crowd: WOOOO!!! Dan: And another! Crowd: WOOOOO!!! Dan: And now Salami brings him out, and an Irish whip into the opposite ropes, and a BIG BOOT! Salami off the ropes, and BOO-YA! THE SALAMI SPLASH! THERE IT IS! Referee in position, 1...2...AND HE GOT 'IM! No...Ryan Gentle said it was only a two! Dima: You Americans cannot count correctly! We Russians are superior mathematicians! By the time a Russian boy or girl reach age of 12, Russian boy or girl able to count to TEN! Juan: Is that with or without removing their shoes? Dan: The Great Salami having words with the referee now about the count...and Havoc with a roll-up! No, wait a minute! Salami follows through and comes out on top! 1...2...3! Salami wins the match! But here comes Carnage! Havoc and Carnage are irate! And they are beating on Salami! Juan: I'm sure what they do in the privacy of their own home is none of our business......but in PUBLIC?!!! Dan: Now that was uncalled for! Ryan Gentle trying to break up the chaos in the ring, but...OH NO! Havoc and Carnage turn their attention to Ryan Gentle! Havoc with a boot to the gut on Gentle!!! Havoc goes up top as Carnage lifts Gentle up! This is sickening! Now a SUPERBOMB ON RYAN GENTLE!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!! THEY JUST SUPERBOMBED THE REFEREE! Somebody get some help out there!!! Dima: You know, this whole situation...it remind me of quote. Back in Mother Russia, we have saying: "Man should never open door to women's outhouse, or crap will most certainly follow." Juan: In France, we have a saying too..."Puny Russian who has a big mouth should try stuffing a salami in it" Dan: Havoc and Carnage are walking back to the dressing room while being showered with garbage! Ryan Gentle is being taken out on a stretcher. His glasses are broken in two. These Angels of Darkness are heartless! What a disgusting display we just saw! Dima: The AICW is not for the weak-stomached! Dan: What is this now, Thripaq Nguyen is making his way down the aisle. What is he up to? This guy isn't straight! Juan: Are you implying he's a closet homosexual? Dan: I meant that he's not sane! What is this, Blackjack Takahashi is on his way to the ring, and he's dragging young John Myers to the ring with him! <"Kokoro" by Kitaro blasts over the sound system.> Dan: John Myers is quite a big guy, but Takahashi is dragging him like yesterday's garbage! Dima: When I was a boy in Russia, there was a garbage dump behind my house! It smelled so bad, but it made me STRONG like the BULL! Juan: I guess you just couldn't get enough of that smell because you carried it with you all the way from the motherland. Dan: Takahashi tries to get Myers to stay in the corner, Myers doesn't want to listen, but Takahashi clobbers him with a roundhouse right and Myers stays put! Nguyen hands Takahashi the microphone! What is going on between these two?!! Blackjack Takahashi: You...John Myers! Why you so fat?! Tell me! Why you so fat?! Three-hundred pound! Fat rike all Amelicans! ROOSE WEIGHT!! Go to....Weight-o Watcha! Tonight, I make example of you for Johnny Payne! Johnny-san, no matter who you choose as your partner, me and De Niro-san will DESTROY YOU!!! Rike-u this! Dan: Takahashi tries to nail Myers with the microphone, but Andy Burton pulled it away and Takahashi is confused! Myers comes out of the corner, and clotheslines Blackjack! But its not phasing him! Takahashi pounds his chest and whips Myers to the ropes, Myers tries to reverse it, but Blackjack just lets go and is yelling at Myers as if he screwed something up! This is strange! Juan: Not as strange as watching this. GOD!!! It's like a carnival freak show--no matter how hard I try, I just can't stop staring!! How fat is that Myers guy?!!! Dan: Takahashi with a headbutt that sends Myers to the mat! Blackjack picks him up and gives him a nasty chop! Crowd: WOOOOOOOO!!!! Dan: And another! Crowd: WOOOOO!! Dan: Two more chops that ricochet through the building! Crowd: WOOOOOO!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!! Dan: Takahashi yells to the crowd and whips Myers to the ropes! Myers comes back and is met by the YAKUZA KICK! Blackjack goes for the pin. Nguyen counts...one....two...three! This impromptu match is over! Dima: Vhat match? Dan: Nguyen calling for the bell, but this one shouldn't count. I think Argie Otero should have something to say about this! Juan: I think she's busy having her tea right now. She won't care about trivial matters like this anyway. Dan: Takahashi is now picking up Myers and he's dragging him back to the dressing room! This is sick! People, we've got to take a break, but when we return, "Too Hot" Johnny Vaught meets Body Bag! Dima: In Russia, we have no body bags, all deceased go out with the morning trash! Juan: Is that what I saw you dragging around last night? I thought you said it was your lunch. Dan: We'll be back!