Dan Chan: Well things have calmed down here sin.. Juan LaFon: SHUT UP! Up next is the Mystery Stud against Salami Boy. Why does everything have to take so much time with you. I mean, what the hell, just get to the point you pretentious loser. God, you're so redundant. Dan Chan: Fine. Have it YOUR way. Andy, announce the freakin' match. Juan LaFon: See! There was no point in saying "freakin." Don't try to be cool when you're not, okay! Dan Chan: Oh, shut up! Andy Burton: Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is scheduled for one fall. Coming down the aisle, weighing 280 pounds, the GREAT SALAMI! Dan Chan: Here comes the Great Salami. He's certainly an impressive specimen. Juan LaFon: A specimen of crap! He's nothing! I don't even know what he's supposed to be! Dan Chan: He's in the ring now. Lets find out who the mystery opponent is. Andy Burton: And now...the mystery opponent. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome weighing 276 pounds and hailing from Atlanta, Georgia, "GOLDEN BOY" JOHNNY SMITH!!! Dan Chan: Oh my! It's the legend himself. This guy has won titles everywhere he's been, and that can mean he has his eyes set on the AICW World Championship! Juan LaFon: He just has to eat this Salami guy and then get the title, right? Dan Chan: The title won't be decided until our first pay-per-view. Juan LaFon: What the hell! I thought we were gonna see a champion crowned tonight! That's it, I'm going home. I'll see you next week. Dan Chan: Wait! Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. LaFon has just left the broadcast booth! She is heading back to the locker room. Oh well, we have a match to worry about. Johnny Smith is standing on the turnbuckle and receives a thunderous ovation! He's certainly one of the fans' favorites. This match about to get underway. OH NO! OH GOD NO! Dima : DIMA is here! Dan Chan: Ladies and gentlemen, Dima "The Russian Powerhouse" Lerminskiy has just taken Juan LaFon's seat. Dima, what are you doing here? Dima: Hah! I bet the ratings just skyrocketed through the roof, because DIMA is here! Dan Chan: Well the bell just rang, Salami and Smith lock up. I guess you're here to stay for the rest of the show Dima. Dima: Damn right! Look at these two American LOSERS! If either one of them decided to face a RUSSIAN, they would most certainly have lost already. Dan Chan: Well Johnny Smith has got Salami in a side headlock right now. Salami is struggling in his grip but the Golden Boy won't let go. Dima: This is pathetic! I would have popped that Salami's head like a balloon! Dan Chan: You're just an interviewer! You're not a wrestler. You don't even have any muscles! You're not even supposed to be out here! Dima: Shut up before you feel the wrath of DIMA! We Russians hide our muscle behind our bones! Dan Chan: Well Salami shoves Smith off and into the ropes. Smith comes back and ducks under a Salami clothesline, Smith comes back and floors Salami with a lariat! Smith stomping away at the Great Salami. Dima: He should call himself the PATHETIC Salami! Dan Chan: Smith now picks up Salami and sets him up for a POWERBOMB!!! Salami is out cold, but Smith is unrelenting. He picks up Salami again and executes a beautiful side Russian leg sweep! Dima: My great-great grandfather invented that move! I must give credit where it is due...Mr. Smith only has an ounce of talent! Dan Chan: I have to disagree. Smith is climbing the ropes. He's not afraid to take a risk. Dima: That's nothing. In Russia, when I was a teenager, I used to go to Lenin's Tomb and spit on the body in front of the KGB agents! Dan Chan: Johnny Smith is perched on the top...he leaps off and connects with a legdrop! Salami is on the brink of defeat. Smith goes for the pin....one......two.....Salami kicks out at two and two thirds! Smith is questioning referee Thripaq Nguyen about a slow count. I for one thought it was slow. Dima: You Americans have no patience! I waited for TWO WEEKS on line at McDonald's in Moscow! I stood out in the rain the whole time just for one of your so-called American "Happy Meals". Dan Chan: Well Smith just picked up Salami and he nails him with an atomic drop. This is it for Salami. Smith walks up behind Salami and nails him with the Goldfinger. He's legendary for this move. Its an Asiatic Spike into the carotid arte...and Salami just gave up! Dima: He is a quitter like all Americans. No Russian in the world would submit to that manuever. Dan Chan: Salami is unconscious! Andy Burton: Ladies and gentlemen...your winner at a time of 3 minutes and 14 seconds..."GOLDEN BOY" JOHNNY SMITH!!! Dan Chan: Johnny Smith will certainly be a force to be reckoned with here in the AICW! Dima: DIMA is the most powerful force in the world! I could crush any American here! Dan Chan: Well its almost time for our main event which will pit Johnny Payne against Ice Cold. These two men are going to collide here tonight. We saw Ice Cold earlier when Martin X put on that disgusting display. Dima: That was pathetic. Everyone knows that Russians are superior! I should come out next week and put on a POWER display by breaking the bench-press record! Dan Chan: Yeah...right. Anyways, Johnny Payne is a worldwide superstar. He is a LEGEND in Japan, having wrestled in many big name promotions and beating many big name stars. He's known as the king of hardcore all over the world. Tonight he faces Ice Cold, who is a former gangbanger from L.A. who has turned his life around. Dima: Hah...he couldn't take the heat and chickened out. Dan Chan: Referee Ramon De La Cerveza will have a tough time controlling this match. Let's go to Andy Burton for the introductions. Andy Burton: Ladies and gentlemen, this is our main event for the evening. Introducing first, from Compton, California, weighing 350 pounds, ICE COLD! Dan Chan: And here comes Ice Cold! The fans are erupting for this guy! Dima: In Mother Russia, they roll out the red carpet for DIMA!!! Dan Chan: Right. Well Ice Cold is up on the apron and he's flexing for the crowd. Look at all the flashes from the cameras. I think Ice Cold is going blind. Dima: We Russians can stare at the sun for hours! You Americans can't even stand a puny camera! Dan Chan: Will you stop! Andy Burton: And his opponent, led to the ring by Alexandra Payne, weighing in at 285 pounds, from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, JOHNNY PAYNE!!! Dan Chan: Listen to this crowd! Johnny Payne is on his way to the ring. This Madison Square Garden crowd is giving him a standing ovation! There you see Johnny pointing to that sign. It says "Johnny Payne RULES!" Dima: DIMA RULES! Dan Chan: Johnny Payne is standing on the turnbuckles. The fans are going crazy! This should be one hell of a ma...uh-oh......Blackjack Takahashi is out here at ringside. He's yelling something in Japanese towards Johnny Payne! OH NO! He just grabbed a sign from a fan! The same sign that Johnny pointed to earlier! He's ripping it to shreds! And now he spits on it! This is disgusting! Johnny Payne has one leg through the ropes. Here comes Argie Otero. She's trying to restrain Blackjack Takahashi and send him to the back! Here comes Johnny...and Blackjack takes off back to the dressing room! Johnny is staring towards the back, but Ice Cold is coming up behind Johnny! I don't think he sees him! Here comes Ice Cold! There's the bell! He floors Payne with a forearm to the back of the neck! He never saw it coming. Dima: You Americans are so easily distracted! We Russians, on the other hand, have nerves of STEEL!!! Dan Chan: Ice Cold is kicking away at Johnny Payne! He picks up Payne and rams his head into the ring apron and follows up with a kick to the midsection. Ice Cold is setting up Johnny Payne and he whips him into the ringsteps! Payne hits them hard and it looks like Payne may have been busted open already! I think Payne has a cut on his back. His back hit the edge of the steel steps. Ice Cold is stomping away on Johnny Payne. Ramon De La Cerveza is trying to get Ice Cold to stop. Ice Cold is reluctant, but he gets back in the ring as Payne is just now getting to his feet. Alexandra helping out her man. Dima: Payne is just like ALL Americans! Hiding behind a woman! Dan Chan: Payne rolls back in the ring. Ice Cold tries to pick up Johnny, but Johnny stuns Ice Cold with a low blow! The ref didn't like that! Johnny ignores him and he whips Ice Cold into the ropes and nails him with a clothesline! Johnny is now stomping on Ice Cold just like Ice Cold did to him earlier! He's returning the favor! Payne picks up Ice Cold and connects with a devastating backbreaker! He's going for the pin....one.....two.....Ice Cold kicks out. He's not finished yet. Dima: If Ice Cold was wrestling a RUSSIAN, he would have lost already. Dan Chan: Well Johnny is setting up Ice and he nails him with a well executed vertical suplex. Payne goes to the ropes...he comes back and drops the leg right across Ice Cold's chest! Payne goes to the outside. He's climbing to the top! He may be looking to put Ice Cold away! Payne comes off with an elbow drop but Ice Cold moves out of the way! Johnny paid the price for going up high. He hit the canvas hard on the way down. Dima: DIMA would've connected! Dan Chan: Ice Cold is up on his feet. He picks up Payne and backs him into the corner. Ice Cold nails him with a chop. They could hear that one in the nose bleeds. Ice Cold whips Payne across the ring into the buckle and follows it in with a clothesline! Ice flexing for the crowd once again. He pulls Johnny up and nails him with a kick to the midsection. Ice Cold sets him up and nails him with a brutal piledriver! Ice goes for the pin...but Alexandra jumps up on the apron. She's distracting the ref! Dima: What a stupid ref! I bet he is hitting the bottle hard again! Too many vodkas on the rocks! Dan Chan: Ice Cold gets in Alexandra's face. She just slapped him! She's one tough woman. Payne comes up behind Ice Cold and plants him with a reverse neckbreaker! Payne rolls Ice Cold over and slaps on a camel clutch. Referee Ramon De La Cerveza checking to see if Ice Cold is going to submit. This is a painful manuever. Dima: Only if a RUSSIAN applies it! I will snap you like a twig! Dan Chan: Ice Cold is trying to power his way out of this! He's gotten to his hands and knees! Payne breaks the hold and sits down hard on Ice Cold's back! Johnny now picking up Ice Cold and he throws him over the top rope and Ice Cold goes flying to the concrete floor! Ice Cold hit the floor hard and he bumped his head on the steel guard-rail! Payne going to the outside. He grabs a steel chair from Andy Burton the ring announcer. He loves weapons and he gives the chair a little kiss before bringing it down upon Ice Cold's back. He lifts the chair above his head again and brings it down on Ice Cold once more. Dima: Did you know that if you hit a Russian with a steel chair, the chair will shatter to pieces? Dan Chan: Johnny Payne has just laid that chair down on the floor. He's setting up Ice Cold. Oh no! He may be setting up Ice Cold for the Payne Piledriver! This move has won him matches all over the world! Yes, he's going for it! He's got Ice Cold set up over that steel chair! Dima: I would shatter both of these guys to pieces! Dan Chan: Payne goes for it and connects! He just drove Ice Cold head first into a steel chair. Ice Cold is knocked out and this should be it! Payne rolls Ice Cold back into the ring. He goes for the pin! One.......two............THREE!!!!! Johnny Payne wins it! Andy Burton: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner at a time of 14 minutes and 7 seconds, JOHNNY PAYNE!!! Dan Chan: Johnny Payne is your winner! He's on his way back to the dressing room, but he's tagging hands with all the fans on the way. Johnny Payne will certainly be a major contender for a title here in the AICW! Dima: Only a RUSSIAN would make a worthy champion! Dan Chan: Ice Cold is still out in the middle of the ring. Referee Ramon De La Cerveza is trying to see if...OH NO!!!! The NUBIAN WARRIORS just came from out of the crowd. They're in the ring and pounding away on Ice Cold. AND HERE COMES MARTIN X!!! Martin X is coming to the ring. We're almost out of time! Martin X is slapping Ice Cold in the Sounds of Blackness!!! That's a deadly Boston crab! We've got to go! We'll see you on Saturday! Don't miss it!