The Attic
A record of our old editorials
For the week of November 8, 1999
By: Angel
Welcome to the Jealous Shrew Division
That's it! The WWF seriously needs some new writers - ASAP! I mean, TORI and KANE?!?! Come on! What the HELL is with that?! Kane, you can do better than that little slut, believe me. It's just unthinkable that the WWF is trying to push Tori this way. She just doesn't deserve it, and all she's doing is taking the spotlight away from Kane, while at the same time letting The Rock and Steve Austin have YET ANOTHER title shot ~yawn~. Kane has proven to us time and time again that he has both the athletic ability and crowd appeal to once again become WWF champion (and next time, maybe it will be for more than a day). It's not that I object to Kane having ANY woman as a love interest, but I don't think it's necessary. I did think that Kane and Chyna were kind of cute together (but she was just MEANT to be with Triple H). Just don't put Kane with a slut is all I'm saying. If Stephanie weren't with Test, she would be a good choice. Many of the Brides are rightfully upset about this turn of events. If I say Kane and Tori together romantically on camera, I think I'm going to be seriously ill.
On a brighter note, I'm glad to see the WWF bringing back some of the traditional Servivor Series matches. It makes it unique, and with tweleve Pay-Per-Views a year, they really need something to draw the buyrate for this particular event. I'm looking forward to seeing who will pair up (please god, let the Hardy Boyz team with Edge and Christian) and for getting the chance to show Drucsilla what a REAL Survivor Series match is. She's only started watching wrestling again in the past year, so this should be great.
Now, I know X-Pac is not a favorite among the Brides, mainly for his treatment of Kane, but I have to admit that I LOVE DX. I'm so glad they're back together. They make watching Austin in the main event almost bearable!
For the week of October 25, 1999
By: Drucsilla
STOP THE INSANITY!
Who the hell came up with the *brilliant* Kane and Tori angle? What the f**k is up with that? Ugh. Vomit, vomit, vomit, cough, cough, gag. Kane is far too good to be with dumb-ass Tori. Oh well.
HEY VINCE (Not Russo, the conniving little bastard. I mean McMahon), GET SOME WRITERS! I'M AVAILABLE. Do they really need to go back to old angles (ie: DX)? I mean, I'm happy DX is back together, only Shawn and Chyna should be there too, but anyways, are they doing that because they have to stall till someone has a *gasp* IDEA? Or maybe they did it to give Road Dogg a push. Apparently, he had a big fight with JR when Jeff Jarrett left... Go figure. Anyway... Hmmmm... The WWF has just been teeming with fascinating stories as of late... Oh yeah, Edge and Christian and the Hardy Boyz are so cute together (NOT THAT WAY ANGEL; GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER). I like this whole alliance thing. It's a good thing.
BRING BACK SUNNY! She was the coolest. She was the skankiest. WAYYYYYY better than that WCW-affiliated Ardvark (don't ask), Sable. I hope she considers coming back to the WWF when she's through with ECW. They need cool chicks like her, rather than this lame-ass Tori and Ivory. I hope the WWF will take her back. At this point, I think they could use her.
For the week of October 18, 1999
By: Angel
And the Oscar goes to ...
We've certainly be seeing some heart-wrenching performances from our favorite sports-entertainers as of late: Mick's emotional display with The Rock on Monday when he refused to even watch their tag match, just sitting on the steps with that hurt puppy-dog look on his face, Triple H's convincing performance on Smackdown last week when he came hobbling to the ring, dying of that snake bite (well, it MIGHT have been convincing if it weren't for that horrible $1.99 Halloween make-up kit they used for the "snake bite"), and of course, The Big Show's shameless public display of emotion with his father's diagnosis of terminal cancer (from all reports I've heard, Big Show's father died of cancer years ago. Does any else think that's just a BIT tacky?). All in all , the boys in the WWF are showing us that they're more than just muscle, they have emotional substance (sure, we'll go with that) and some pretty damn good acting ability which, of course, would explain Steve Austin on Nash Bridges, Mick Foley on G vs. E, Shawn Michaels on Pacific Blue (for the record, Sable got on there for her "38 Specials," NOT her acting ability. For anyone that read the parody on Scoopthis.com, remember, Vince never did give her those acting implants. For those of you who haven't read it, it's too long and involved to go into here, but definitely check it out right here. Makes me wonder if there's a soul clause in that no-compete contract that all WWF employees are being required to sign, right Drucsilla?!)
Now, onto some VERY VERY exciting news!!! STAMPEDE WRESTLING IS COMING BACK!!! Drucsilla and I are heading out to Stampede Wrestling on Nov. 2 to make complete asses of ourselves once again, hehe (BRING ON THE HO'S!). Wow, I really need to cut down on the caffene. Anyway, you can DEFINITELY be expecting a sequal to that Stampede review we wrote in August. It's not in The Attic anymore, but if you would like to see that up once again to see how things have changed over the past three months, let me know at [email protected]. I, for one, am very interested in seeing how everyone's characters have developed since going on TV. Poor "Hot Shot" Johnny Devine... I think we traumatized him enough the first time. Oh well, he knows it's all in good fun (that's the great thing about having "connections").
Get well soon Droz. We're still thinking about you, and you know that we're all pulling for you..
For the week of October 11, 1999
By: Drucsilla
Wanted: Sell-Out
I can see it now, in the classified ads: Wanted: White Male, ages 20-40, willing to sell-out on long time colleagues and friends to work for their worst enemy. Must be a creative genius, money hungry, and spineless. Please apply at WCW Wrestling...
I can't beleive Vince went to WCW!!!!! How? Why? Now he's tainted!!!!! I'd expect it from *hmmm* every-day-is-a-funeral-in-my-world-and-I-can't-say 1-800-HI-ITS-ME without-sounding-like-a-total-idiot Kevin Kelly, or maybe "I get my ass kicked alot" Michael Cole, but not VINCE FREAKIN RUSSO! Seeing as every storyline they've had recently has been ripped off us {except that damned Mark Henry line (which I'll get to later)} maybe things won't change too much as long as we keep putting our ideas up (just joking). They had better get some new writers, seriously.
Now, for the Mark Henry storyline. One word: WHY?
Does he think that he could possibly have another angle where people won't look back on the night he admitted he sleeps with his sister?!?!?! Also, we haven't seen much of Jacqueline lately... Could she be his sister? Muhahahaha (evil laugh). I wouldn't doubt it; remember they did that PMS bondage scene awhile back... Hmmmm... Just think about it...
THE HEADBANGERS ARE BACK TOGETHER!!!!! YEEEAH BABEEEEEE! I wonder why they've been putting so much emphasis on the tag teams as of late. Maybe another tourney? Speaking of that, I hope the Hardy Boyz win at the PPV. It would just be too weird if Terri was with Edge and Christian, fighting their way through the crowd in their intro...
Lastly, Droz is getting feeling back in his legs. How lucky is that? Even though he's alive and stuff, I've still been thinking about Owen more lately. I wonder if the Harts are still mad at the WWF, or if now that they're into it they have to follow through...
Where is SHAWN?!?!?!?!
For the week of October 6, 1999
By: Angel
It's just been one of those weeks...
And that's putting it mildly. A death, a serious injury, and two HUGE departures have resulted in a very trying week for the WWF.
First, let me say, rest in peace, Gorilla Monsoon. This great WWF Superstar passed away on the morning of October 6 due to recent complications caused by a heart attack and diabetes. Monsoon was an active member of the WWF until very recently. This wrestler, commentator, and wonderful human being will not soon be forgotten. I'm too young to remember his glory days as a wrestler, but I remember listening to Gorilla and Vince doing commemtary together for many years. Gorilla, your fans will never forget you.
Now, on to another serious issue. Darren Drozdov was severely injured during a European title match against D'Lo Brown at the Smackdown tapings on Tuesday. D'Lo slipped while trying to perform a running power bomb, dropping Droz on his head. Droz underwent surgery yesterday and while the surgeon apparently was unsure if Droz will walk again, it was reported that Droz was optimistic. Our prayers go out to Droz. Even if you never wrestle again, we know you have the strength to recover.
Now, onto the SCREW-JOB OF THE CENTURY! Vince Russo and Ed Ferrera resigned their positions with the WWF to both sign a two year contract with WCW. Where the hell is this going to leave the WWF? Vince was, as far as I know, head of the creative team (in charge of story lines) in addition to being the editor of both WWF and RAW magazines. Yeah, we have Terry Taylor, but remember: the WWF was kicking ass in the ratings when Taylor was with WCW and Vince and Ed were with the WWF. Now the shoe's on the other foot.
Russo claims that he wanted to challenge WCW would present (no shit, with no talent and the fact that it's the CRAPPIEST WRESTLING FEDERATION IN THE HISTORY OF ALL CRAPPY WRESTLING FEDERATIONS, you're damn right it's going to be a challenge). He also hinted at tension with Vince McMahon during a recent interview saying that working with the WWF had become his life, his position with WCW would be a job. I must say I'm very dissappointed with Russo. I'm a journalism major, and my goal was to become a writer just like him. He was my hero, my inspiration for going into journalism. Is this going to change everything? I honestly don't know.
While I can say with great confidence that I would but off my right hand before I become a WCW fan, maybe Russo can improve their extrememly crappy product by:
a) NOT pushing those over 40 guys ,and
b) Throwing Tony Schivone into a deep, dark pit (that, of course, being THE DEEPEST, DARKEST PIT IN THE HISTORY OF DEEP, DARK PITS!!!)
Lets hope things get a little better next week.
For the week of September 27, 1999
By: Angel
I KNEW IT!!!
I just KNEW there was something wrong with the outcome of the IC match at Unforgiven!!! Why didn't Tom Prichard come out and change the results of any of the OTHER matches that were influenced by outside interference? Well, we got our answer on Raw: a classic screw-job by Prichard. At least Chyna gets her rematch at No Mercy on October 17, but it wasn't without a fight. She and Debra had to defeat Jarrett and Prichard in a battle of the sexes. Thing backfired on Prichard when he creamed Chyna out with Jarrett's rigged guiatar, knocking her limp body right onto a fallen Jarrett, giving her the win.
This truly was the night of my favorite women personalities in the WWF. Mae Young and the Fabulous Moolah took on Ivory in a handicap match. Too bad it had to be an evening gown match. Mae and Moolah won, but the rules of the match were that the only way Ivory could win is by stripping BOTH of them down to their bras and panties. Remember, Mae and Moolah are in their late 60's/early 70's. You see, Ivory sort of "half won." Just picture Mae Young... Never mind. You probably don't want to know that it looked like she almost "slipped out." And I had to WATCH that!
As much as the women dominated the evening, the highlight (at least for me) was the twenty minute segment by Mankind and The Rock. Even my mother watched that one! Mick is just such a cutie. Who else could get away with making a "Mr. Rocko" and throwing his partner a birthday party four and a half months late (or seven and a half months early, whichever way you look at it). In any event, it was hillarious, especially when Triple H got his feet caught in the balloons.
I actually got a response from Matthew Mahaney (Kurt on Days of our Lives) to a post I left on a message board. He figures he'd be too small to be a wrestler (he's 6'2", 210 lbs.) but he watches wrestling from time to time. That's something, right?
Oh yeah, one more thing... TOM PRICHARD CAN BURN IN HELL (just his character, not him personally).
For the week of September 20, 1999
By: Angel
History in the making...
This week's Smackdown was nothing short of incredible. It was the night of the specialty matches, and somehow, Triple H came out on top. Now, for those of you who didn't see it, let me explain...
Vince wanted revenge on Triple H for what he has put his family through recently. Well, what Vince wants, Vince gets. Triple H had to wrestle ALL FIVE of his opponents on Sunday: a boiler room brawl with Mankind, a Brahma Bull rope match with the Rock, A chokeslam match with the Big Show, a casket match with the Undertaker (which actually turned out to be a handicapped casket match with Viscera and Midian, but more on that later) and an inferno match with Kane. To remain in the Six Pack Challenge on Sunday, Triple H had to defeat 3 out of 5 of his opponents.
We started off with the chokeslam match which, surprise surprise, Big Show won. Kane lost the inferno match when distracted by a bloody and lifeless X-Pac on the ramp courtesy of the Undertaker (possible reunion???). Now, in an interesting turn of events, the Undertaker actually FORFEITED his place in the Six Pack Challenge (maybe for time of for surgery???), by refusing to wrestle in the casket match. Triple H thought he had that won when he trapped Midian in the casket (which, by the way, COULD NOT be large enough for Viscera) when Shane came out to inform him that in a handicapped casket match, BOTH men had to be trapped in the casket SIMULTANEOUSLY (does the though of two men pressed up against each other in a casket bother anyone else?). Needless to say, Triple H lost. He was 1 for 3.
Now, onto the boiler room brawl. This is where it starts to get interesting. Mankind was about to jump off of something or other about fifteen feet high when he hesitated, only to be pushed off by someone wielding a pole! Triple H won and moved on to his match with the Rock. Now remember, we still have the scab referees (except for one that crossed the picket line), so the British Bulldog asked Vince if he could referee the match, as well as take the Undertaker's place in the Six Pack Challenge, as Vince had promised him a title shot some time ago. Vince agreed, and the stage was set. The match was underway and it looked like the Rock was going to open up another spot for Sunday, when in the classic heel turn, Davey finished off The Rock for Triple H and gave him the 3 out of 5 victories he needed to get his title shot on Sunday.
So, who pushed Mankind? Could it be Davey, helping to give Triple H the edge he needed? What about Chyna, who is another obvious choice? Then there's the Rock, who might have been upset enough about their title loss to turn on his partner? (Oh yeah, THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS ARE BACK IN BUSINESS!!!!!) Or will this be just like that old raised suitcase thing where no one ever finds out? Maybe G-TV will catch something for us.
Well, that's all you need to know going into Unforgiven on Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I love the WWF's spontanaity, but they make it VERY difficult to get our predictions up more than a couple of days before the PPV.
Now, on a COMPLETELY unrelated topic, how many of you watch Days of Our Lives? Is Kurt (Matthew Mahaney) sexy, or what?! Not a bad actor either. AND, he used to play college football. Now, we ALL know that a good number of the WWF's wrestlers are ex-college football players. Who knows?! Maybe after his run with Days is over, we could convince him to lend that wonderful body of his to the world of sports entertainment, hehe.
For the week of September 13, 1999
By: Angel
VINCE IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!
(and other ramblings)
If you can't tell, I'm ecstatic about Vince returning to WWF television. He is one of my favorite WWF personalities, and things just weren't the same without him. Hopefully, we'll see more of him in the coming weeks.
First we had feuds involving ring announcers, and now it looks as though we may have a storyline involving the referees on our hands, judging from the segment shot in the locker room on Raw. What's next? Camera Man Mike vs. Bill the Sound Guy in the match of the millennium?
Does anybody really find tag teams like the Undertaker and the Big Show entertaining? These guys just don't have the coordination (both physically and as a team) to give an exciting performance. Why doesn't the WWF drop these huge, singles competitors from tag team action and focus more on teams such as the Hardy Boyz and the team of Edge and Christian? These two teams perform EXTREMELY well together and I look forward to seeing these guys in tag team championhip action in the near future.
While we're on the subject of Edge and Christian, why haven't they won the tag team belts yet?
Now, going back to the Undertaker... It is obvious that he is in a great amount of pain. As much as I love to watch him, it's just not worth it. I hope he realizes that his health is the most important thing to his fans and, although we will miss him, he needs to take some time off to heal all of those accumulated injuries.
Hey Shamrock - have you got a volume control on those tights?!
I'm SOOOO glad Luna's back - she's one of my favorite woman wrestlers of all time. What made her departure even worse was that it was caused by the "Blond Bytch". God, am I glad that she's gone!
Another recent returnee (is that even a word?) to WWF action is Davey Boy Smith, "The British Bulldog". He too is one of my favorite wrestlers and I am very glad that he has decided to return. Not only that, but that he overcame the odds when so many people had doubts about his recovery. We're so proud of you, Davey!
Well, that's it for now (do you really want to hear more of this?). Until next time...