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I. General Rules
1. All mistresses must be provably female or a reasonable facsimile.
2. In accordance with the Truth in Advertising statutes, all
males must possess the same equipment without their pants as they appear
to have when fully clothed.
3. All individuals involved must be relatively disease-free.
4. Acceptable methods of contraception must be agreed upon beforehand
and utilized 100% of the time
5. In the case of the first-time, surprise monkey lust attack
in the copy room, all of the above may be ignored
6. Any offspring resultant from the first-time, surprise monkey
lust attack should be named after the office machinery the act was performed
on (i.e., our children Konica and little Xerox)
II. Sex
1. After a sexual event, all bodily parts must be returned
to their original owners unless prior arrangements have been made.
2. During sexual events, lovers may be requested to perform
unfamiliar or distasteful acts. Any requests that are in any way suggestive
of poor taste, sexual discrimination, sexually demeaning, or involving
poor hygiene practices (including the uses of such substances as Jell-O,
cole slaw, mud, baby oil, 30w oil, hot tar, K-Y Jelly, cold cream, and
Aunt Ethel's zesty banana pudding) will, of course, require a more expensive
gift.
3. Personal health and dietary concerns are important,
so please use only low-sodium margarine during sex.
4. Discussion of business-related matters before or after
intimate moments is discouraged. Discussion of business-related matters
during intimate moments is grounds for immediate cancellation of affair
and probably good for a lamp upside the head
5. Calling out spouse's name is permissible once. Calling out
co-worker's name is only permissible if it happens to be the co-worker
you're presently with
III. Decorum
1. Teasing, titillating, and otherwise "coming on" to your lover
in a rude, crude, and demeaning manner during work hours on work premises
where discovery would be embarrassing and possibly dangerous to the continued
employment or marital status of your lover is required.
2. Lover's nicknames are to be reflective of the individual's
appearance and personality, unless the individual is a real woofer. Nicknames
are commonly used for the drama involved, for the mystique and fantasy,
and are, especially in the case of Federal Relocation Protection members,
mandatory. Use of such nicknames at the workplace is careless and irresponsible
and as such, is encouraged (although usage on official documents is just
asking for trouble)
3. Sexual events at the workplace should be avoided unless
a location can be found that is so improbable that no one will believe
it happened
4. Each participant is allowed to tell one (1) confidante
each. The host of a television or radio talk show cannot be considered
one (1) confidante, no matter how low their ratings are.
IV. Disputes
1. No matter how thoroughly pissed off either party gets,
midnight hang-up calls to the other party's spouse are expressly forbidden
2. Lovers who are bickering are discouraged from expressing
arguments, ultimatums or derogatory sexual comments in any ostensibly "private"
places during work hours, as it would be crass and unfair to your co-workers.
Please restrain from any such passionate outbursts until you get back to
the break room so everybody else can watch.
3. Co-worker lovers who break up are required to continue
working together for a minimum of six (6) weeks to allow other co-workers
a suitable length of time to enjoy watching the two of you drive each other
crazy
4. The "MegaLatch Atomo-Nuclear Power Strike Double Knee-Drop
to the Testes/Cervix" is hereby disallowed during spats due to pending
litigation.
Please submit all questions and comments to [email protected]
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