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Kevin groaned softly as he sank into his favorite chair. He was glad to be home. The last few days had been long and emotionally draining. He closed his eyes, his mind again wandering back to the last time he�d seen her�their last conversation. He should have said more�done more. But he honestly never thought that it would come to this. And she�d been the one to walk away from him. Although if she hadn�t, he would have walked himself, this being the final straw. He couldn�t take this anymore. But still, he did love her�very much. And knowing that she had a very serious problem, he should have done something. At least made sure that she would be okay after she left. Maybe she would have still been alive.

***

Kevin smiled with happiness and relief and he pulled his car into the driveway of his home. He was relieved to be home finally. Although he loved being on tour, they had been on the road for months and it was becoming exhausting. It was time for a break.

He was anxious to see his fianc�e Maysa. It had been three weeks since he�d seen her last and he missed her. They�d been together almost four years. The road had been bumpy a lot of the time, but their love for each other had brought them through each obstacle. He always stood by her and supported her when times were bad and she felt that she couldn�t go on and longer. And each time she�d gone into rehab, he�d been right there with her. Supporting her and encouraging her. But finally he had to give her an ultimatum. He hated doing it, but he had to. He was mentally exhausted. He�d given her chance after and chance and he couldn�t take anymore. The last year, things had been going very well for them and he was beginning to think that she might have finally made it.

"Maysa, I�m home." He called as he unlocked the door and stepped inside the home that they shared. He lilted his head, listening for her response as he set his bag done on the floor beside his feet. "Maysa?" He called again when she didn�t answer. Something wasn�t right. She usually met him at the door when he came home and now she was no where in sight. Trying to push back the worry gnawing at him, he quickly rushed through the house, finally finding her in their bedroom.

He froze in his tracks at what he found. She sat on the floor, her back against their bed, her knees bent up to her chest. Her head was bent, resting in her hands, her long hair covering her face. Her shoulders shook from the force of the sobs wracking her body. After an instant he rushed forward, dropping to his knees beside her, his heart aching at seeing her so upset. He drew her into his arms, gently soothing her until she calmed down a bit.

"Baby, what�s wrong? Did something happen?" He asked, pulling back at bit to be able to look at her. His own eyes teared up when she wouldn�t look at him and a heart breaking cry escaped her as she broke down again. "Maysa, talk to me. Please!" He pleaded, needing to know what was going on.

After taking a few deep breaths to calm herself, she slowly lifted her eyes to his. She saw the concern there and hated herself even more. She looked away for a moment, trying to gather the courage that she would need to do this. She had to though. Not for her own sake, but for his. She couldn�t put him through his anymore�.Couldn�t keep lying to him "I have something that I need to tell you�something that I�ve been hiding from you." She told him, her voice choked and wavering. She dropped her eyes again, unable to bear seeing the hurt, anger, and disappointment that she knew she would see in his eyes.

Hearing those words, Kevin felt his heart drop. He knew now what was going on. He was completely in shock though. He hadn�t suspected in the least like he had in the past. She�d his it very well this time. He immediately released his hold on her and stood up. He walked over to the window, staring out, but seeing nothing.

"How long?" He finally asked, his voice tight with his barely controlled emotions.

"The whole time." She answered quietly, but truthfully "The first three months after getting out, it was on and off, but since then it�s been constant." She watched his body go rigid, but he didn�t say anything. Taking a deep breath, she resisted the urge to just run and pressed forward.

"I know that when you gave your ultimatum, you said that it was over if I didn�t stay clean." She paused as she also rose to her feet. Fighting back the tears, she reluctantly took the diamond ring off her finger and laid it on the dresser in front of her. Even if he asked her to stay, she wouldn�t She couldn�t keep hurting him like this. She had to get away from him so he could get on with his life with someone that deserved him. She knew that she sure as hell didn�t. "I�ve found a place. I�ll have all of my things out of here within the week." She let out a shuddering breath as she looked over at him and found his back still to her. He remained silent and that was worse than anything. She knew that she�d really done it this time and that he�d had enough. She didn�t blame him...she disgusted herself.

"I�m sorry that I�ve lied to you all this time. I have no excuse except that I love you so much and you�ve made me so happy. I knew that if I told you sooner, you�d be gone. You�re the one person that�s always been there for me�the one constant in my life. I�m scared to death to be alone." She whispered the last part, her voice choking. She took a step back when Kevin suddenly spun around, his eyes lit with fury.

"You say that you love me so much and that I�ve made you so happy. The why couldn�t you quit? What is lacking here that you have to fulfill with your drugs?" He knew that he should just keep quiet. He had so many emotions rolling through him that he didn�t want to accidentally say something that would hurt her and that he�d regret. Despite everything, he did love her, although at the moment he wasn�t feeling it too much.

Maysa hung her head in shame. She knew that she was weak and she hated it. "I tried Kevin. I�m sorry that I�m not strong enough. There is so much that haunts me and this is the only way that I�ve found to keep the demons quiet."

"What about with me?" He demanded. She�d told him before that he kept her demons quiet.

"It�s when you�re away and I can�t be with you. Which is about ninety five percent of the time. That�s when it gets bad." She tried to explain, hoping that he would understand. She wouldn�t blame him one bit if he didn�t though.

"Obviously my love alone wasn�t enough for you." Kevin said to her, a look of disgust in his eyes as he turned his back to her again. He knew that he really wasn�t being fair to her. He really didn�t know what had happened to her in the past. She didn�t like to talk about it. In fact she refused to talk about it. But right now he was too upset and hurt to think about being fair.

"I�m so sorry that I�ll never be who you want me to be. I�ll never be who I want my self to be. Hell, I don�t even know who I am. I�m so sorry that I�ve hurt you like this, Kevin. It was never my intention. She finished. Turning, she began walking towards the door to leave, but then stopped.

"The time that I�ve been with you has really been the best that I�ve ever had in my life. I�ve never told you this, but I would be dead right now if I hadn�t met you. I was planning to end my life that night. You saved me. You�ve given me so much�shown me what it�s like to truly be loved and to truly feel happiness. I�m sorry that I couldn�t give even half of that back to you. I�m especially sorry that I couldn�t be truthful with you about everything. But the one thing that I never lied to you about was how much I loved you�I still do, more than anything."

"Yeah, you love me more than anything�except you drugs." He muttered, but she heard it�every word. It was like a stab in the heart. That wasn�t the case at all.

"I�m sorry that I�ve wasted you time. I would-" Kevin cut her off before she could finish.

"I�m sorry that I wasted my time too. Four years of my life that I�ll never get back."

***

Once he�d calmed down, Kevin always regretted those parting words. Even more so now knowing that those were the last words that he�d said t her�ever. She left immediately after he�d said that and planned to apologize for his harsh words when he saw her again, but he never saw or heard from her again. She never even came back to the house to get her things. Three days earlier, just two weeks after she�d left, he gotten the phone call that she was gone.

While he�d been at her funeral, he was able to talk to some of her friends and family and had found out some of what she�d been through. It was no wonder that she wouldn�t talk about it. It had to have been hell. He now understood a little bit better why she turned to the drugs for an escape. He wished that he could have been a little more understanding sooner�Kept trying to help her rather than giving her ultimatums and pushing her away.

The guilt that he felt was overwhelming. He wasn�t sure if things would have ever worked out for them, but he did love her. Hell, he�d been ready to marry her�couldn�t wait to marry her. The words that he said to her should have never been the last that she heard from him. He should have never let her just leave that day. He should have at least made sure that she would be okay or tried to find her to make sure that she was okay in the days that followed.

The only thing that even remotely eased his mind was that now she had hopefully found the peace that she longed for when she was alive. Sighing wearily, Kevin got up and went to his bedroom. As he walked in he paused in front of her dresser, seeing their framed engagement portrait sitting on top. He picked it up, looking closer at their smiling faces and bright eyes. It had been such a happy time�so much hope for the future. He truly believed that she had really been clean then. Even if it had only lasted for a short time. He now knew that she had really given it her best shot. Tears filled his eyes as he set the picture back in its place. Unfortunately it just hadn�t been enough.

I have this smile to hide me
And I have this cross to bear
I have your picture that still haunts me like your memory
These things have I

I have these words to lie to me
These stupid songs to share
I have these countless hours to fill the void you left me
These things have I

For all those things I've done
Let you down I just apologize
But sorry's hard somehow
Seems so strange it'd be so easy now

But I've got this faith to blind me
And I've got these dreams we shared
And I have the fear that dreams are all I'll have that's left to me
These things
All these things
These things have I

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